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Please help me get over my ex bf of 4 years :(


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Hello everyone, my name is Ana and this is my first post here. I decided to come here because I'm not sure what to do anymore...

 

The story:

 

-We met five years ago at the fireworks, after that, we were inseparable. I loved him like crazy, and he loved me back just as much.

 

-We were perfect for each other in many ways, but we had our fights just as any couple does.

 

-I had never loved anyone or trusted anyone as much as I did him. He has the most loyal and trustworthy heart in the world. We were best friends by far. I had never had such a good friend as him. He treated me like a princess. He had his faults, but they were minor.

 

-Then it happened. At four wonderful years of being together, we both made a mutual agreement that the relationship had run its course. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do.

 

-I had a list of reasons for why we had to break up, and was convinced that we were not right for each other.

 

-That doesn't mean the breakup was painless. In fact, it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever done. I cried for weeks... would start thinking we shouldn't have broken up, cry some more... wish that we would get back together... etc.

 

-This was in August 2008. It is now April 2009, and I am still not over him... and I can't figure out why!

 

-After we broke up, I dated a couple of guys, nothing serious. And for a while it seemed like I was getting over him slowly but surely. I stopped thinking about him as much, and completely stopped crying over him.

 

-Meanwhile, we had remained very good friends. We would talk often, and go for lunch often. (We got to the same university so we would see each other on campus). We had decided that it would be dumb to not be friends, since we had been best friends for 4 years...

 

-Then in early 2009, I would start to think I had made a very bad decision splitting up with him... and I would have periods when I would cry.

 

-And then in March 2009 it happened... he called me to tell me that he had a gf (his first one since we had broken up).... right away my heart was broken into a million pieces all over again...

 

-... why am I still not over him... he has some faults that I didn't think I could live with at the time we broke up... am I just lonely? I don't mean to sound arrogant, but there are guys that want to date me right now, but they're just guys... they're not him. I would never trust them like I trusted him...

 

-I've gone out plenty since August 2009, partied, met tons of new people (this is the usual remedy for broken hearts)... but I'm not over him.

 

-I cried today...

 

-After he told me about his new gf, I started having dreams where we would get back together, and every single time I'd wake up only to get my heart broken.. again...

 

-I know that even if we got back together, some of his faults would still bother me... so why am I still crying?

 

-Please help me...

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Hi Ana, welcome to ENA

 

Sounds to me like you may have forgotten the reasons you broke up with him in the first place. You had your reasons then, are they no longer valid for some reason?

 

Obviously, it's too late (at least at this point) to reconcile. Keep in mind that it takes a lot of time for some people to get over those feelings of loss. Some people get over it quickly, others not so much. It's different for everybody.

 

Just keep living your life, try not to dwell on the past, and try to remember why you made the choice you did.

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Thank you Sn0man for your reply

 

Whenever I get these feelings and outbursts of emotion the first thing I do is think about why we broke up. In a nutshell"

 

...he was still a boy and not yet a man who understood that relationships take work. He simply expected things to solve themselves. I was almost his mother - I brought up issues when they needed to be talked about/resolved, I made plans most of the time, whenever we went on vacation I always took control of the situation (because he didn't make an effort to, not because I forced it). And another thing is that he was a 'no' man. He was very quick to say 'no' to a lot of new experiences, or even simple things that the majority of people would take the time to consider before rejecting so quickly. I won't go into detail. Etc.

 

So I am definitely aware of the reasons why we broke up, and I know these things would bother me if we got back together. They bothered me for 4 years until I had decided I had had enough.

 

Am I subconsciously convincing myself that these things wouldn't bother me if we got back together? Or that they are minor things that I made a mountain out of a molehill over?

 

I'm a very rational person, so it would not make sense for me to miss him, yet be aware of the fact that these things would bother me if we got back together.

 

It just doesn't make sense to me...

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I'd say that about sums it up. We often rationalize other peoples behavior to suit our own needs, even if that behavior doesn't jive with us.

 

The way I think of it is this: Consider love an addictive drug. When you lose that drug, you go into withdrawls. Depending on how addicted to it you were, it could take a long time to get past the feelings of needing it. But once it dawns on you that this 'drug' is bad for you, you'll realize that you shouldn't want it anymore. Soon after, you'll start to want it less and less, until finally you no longer think about it.

 

The hardest part is the realization part - realizing that what you crave isn't good for you. You've written all the things about this relationship that didn't work for you, and people generally don't change. So neither would the things about your relationship that you didn't like.

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I believe you must be a rational person. I wouldn't be able to split up with a guy whom I love and keep just friends for more than half year till he gets a gf...

 

I think you are still in love with him, but I believe you made the right decision. Since both you and your ex didn't grow anymore in this relationship (I guess), it's better to end it, for you and for him.

 

You will be fine. Now you are in shock because of the news from him, that's normal. I experienced that before. It was killing me, but 3 months later, I calmed down.

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Anna :

 

From reading only your initial post and not the follow up you sound way too wrapped up in that guy...and you talk in such ideals.

 

First take him off that pedestal ok!...you have made him into something he is not nor probably ever was...I also agree with the poster above: make a list of his flaws and post copies wher you can see them whenever you start to get nostalgic.

 

Second look at what you wrote under my reply. Sheesh ! A pretty unbalanced and unflattering perspective towards other guys ...I wonder how THEY would feel after reading you dissed them are "just guys"??

 

What the heck does that mean: "just guys"?

 

(And I know what you mean: that he doesn't match up to your ex.) Do you have any idea how much healing and love you are cutting off by such an attitude?

 

Of course your NEXT lover will NOT be like your ex...and that's a good thing!

 

Who the heck wants to drive the same car or always eat the same food or always wear the same clothes EVERY day?! Your new lover is supposed to be different to keep you growing Anna ...to affect parts of your heart your mind your body and your spirit differently than did your ex...IMO its the way the universe works.

 

So stretch open your mind & toss out those narrow filters ...open up your heart and at least just try to enjoy the different personalities of these other dudes...

 

...if you reframe your encounters some of these guys you may find that if not as a lover then they may have the potential to become good friends... and good friends are something all of us can never have enough of especially as we get older.

 

Peace!

 

" I don't mean to sound arrogant, but there are guys that want to date me right now, but they're just guys... they're not him. I would never trust them like I trusted him...

 

-I've gone out plenty since August 2009, partied, met tons of new people (this is the usual remedy for broken hearts)... but I'm not over him.

 

-I cried today...

 

-After he told me about his new gf, I started having dreams where we would get back together, and every single time I'd wake up only to get my heart broken.. again...

 

-I know that even if we got back together, some of his faults would still bother me... so why am I still crying?

 

-Please help me...

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I'd say that about sums it up.

 

Thanks again for your response Sn0man. Sometimes it helps to hear others say it or agree with your analysis for it to hit home. I haven't actually talked to anyone about this in such detail before...

 

Another thing I haven't mentioned is that I don't think I ever had a proper closure or grieving period. It hurt so much initially that I immersed myself in my work, and then jumped into the dating pool to distract my heart. Big mistake... I won't be doing that again.

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Dear Girl wants EX,

 

I believe you are right. I am definitely still in love with him. When we broke up we even told each other that we still loved each other... we just knew that at that moment our relationship had nowhere to go.

 

And yea it's been hard being friends with him at times (mostly in the 1st month or two after we broke up, and now more recently). Since he told me he has a gf, I turn down some of his offers for lunch and hanging out because it hurts to see him sometimes...

 

 

You will be fine. Now you are in shock because of the news from him, that's normal. I experienced that before. It was killing me, but 3 months later, I calmed down.

 

Thank you very much for that quote right there. It helps to hear that you got over hearing your ex got a new gf. I'm hoping I'll "calm down" soon too hehe.

 

Thanks again for your reply!

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Thanks for your reply canali.

 

 

What the heck does that mean: "just guys"?

 

 

I guess I didn't word myself properly. That was me being a silly girl. What I should have said was - they were nowhere near what I look for in a long term, serious relationship mate (loyal, witty, educated, motivated, had the same odd sense of humour as me... etc).

 

They have been just people I was seeing. While we had fun times, there was no long term potential.

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Ok that is cool per the miscommunication.

 

That said however why not start being more selective with whom you spend your time then? Why are you wasting your time (and theirs) with guys who don't offer you what you need...even as friends?

 

Thanks for your reply canali.

 

 

 

I guess I didn't word myself properly. That was me being a silly girl. What I should have said was - they were nowhere near what I look for in a long term, serious relationship mate (loyal, witty, educated, motivated, had the same odd sense of humour as me... etc).

 

They have been just people I was seeing. While we had fun times, there was no long term potential.

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why not start being more selective with whom you spend your time then?

 

I think at first I was simply trying to distract myself (aka: anyone would do).

 

And then later on, I didn't want to feel lonely so I took what I could get haha. And at one point I thought I had found someone special, but he turned out to be quite self-absorbed. Oh well...

 

But yes, that is definitely a goal of mine from now on. I'm just a really odd person, so it's hard for me to find people that are odd enough for me Everyone seems too normal hehe.

 

Thanks again!!

 

 

***(You guys have all significantly improved my night. The tears have stopped! The eyes are feeling dry and irritated though lol)

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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