Still Very Emtional and Lonely for her....

[Paddy084]

Hi All.....I'm not really sure what kind of advice or answers I'm looking for but I would really appreciate some advice on on my current situation.

 

My story anyway......My girlfriend of 8.5 years broke up with me 5 weeks ago. We are both in our mid twenties and she told me she loves me but is not in love with me and wasnt sure if she could see us together in the distance future. I told her at the time that maybe if I give her a bit of space and time to clear her head for a while and see what happens, she kind of agreed but for now the break up is still going to be offical.

 

Prior to the break up I had been out of work for a few months and she was working part time, so we were always very tight on money for nights out etc and it really stopped and restricted us from doing things together such as a weekend away, dinner out and so on (I also at the time had no car). We weren't living together, both of us lived with our parents, but seen eachother every night. It was quite dull and boring, cause I would just call to hers and all we would end up doing is eating dinner and then watching the television.

 

We are only a few months back from travelling the world together for a year, so obviously at this point in our relationship we were living together. As you would imagine money was always tight travelling and when we had to stop off in one country and work for a few months we were really restricted to going out just the one night a week, the other nights of the week was much like home, dinner and then watch television. So eventually we had enough money to head off travelling for another month in a van with her, myself and four other lads. It was two weeks into this trip that she expressed her fears that she wasnt sure how she felt about me anymore, but after a long day and a long chat she decided to give it a chance and some time. About two months after this conversation we arrived home together. I was aware that I needed to work on our relationship, I wanted to spoil her and bring back the fun, laughter and romance into our relationship, but with no money, car or independance really I wasnt able to do all I wanted to win her love back and it just seeped back into the boring dull routine as I beacame not the most pleasant or exciting person to be around due to feeling a little depressed about my lack of independance.

 

So about three months home from travelling she called things. I was and still am devastated. She meant everything to me. I havent even received a text from her since. Since the break up I have sent her two letters. The first was me basically telling her that I accept and respect her decesion and telling her where I felt things went wrong. I apologised for ever hurting or upsetting her in our relationship and wished her all the happeness in the future and only sorry I couldnt give it to her. The second letter I sent her was with a book and two tickets to a concert that I knew she wanted to go to. The book was one I seen in a shop and basically the title of it was the very reason she broke up with me. I explained to her that I bought it to maybe give me closure and I sent it to her to maybe answer any questions that maybe she herself didnt have answers to. I told her from reading the book I felt that the relationship is salvagable and it is possible to relight the flame of passion and romance. I told her that I hated not been able to speak to her and that someday soon I would love to meet up with her not even to just talk about 'us' but just to kind of catch up. I never begged or pleaded with her to come back, I just simply told her that I do miss her. I never got any kind of reply to either letter.

 

Im not navie, I know from her not contacting me that it doesnt look good and alot of you would just tell me to move on, but I really love her. Ive been out a few times with our mutual friends since the break and every time I'm with them I get very emtional and need to leave. I do be thinking stupid things when obviuosly the drink is flowing and I'm with our mutual friends. Whenever I'm with my own friends, yes I talk alot about her but feel like I can enjoy my night out without any fears of tears running down my face at any stage in the night.

 

What can I do to get her back in my life. I have gone strict NC from day one of our breakup apart from the two letters, and I know its supposed to be about building yourself again but I still havent heard anything from her. And I do feel alot better compared to the first and second week of the break up as I kind of have my independane back now as I have myself a car and a new job starting in a weeks time but there is obviously one piece missing and I still really love her and want her back with me. But what can I do? Should I contact her? I'm just very lonely and want her back. Any advice would be really appreciated.

 

Thanks all.

[jasav1]

8.5 years, broke up and she hasn't contacted you at all? That's really, really tough mate. I thought my girlfriend of 4 years, breaking up with me for similar reasons - needing to clear her head, felt something was 'missing' was bad, but if I tried to contact her, I know she would reply, heck if I wanted to meet up we would too etc.

 

I don't really know what to say, I can't believe she is being so cold. I'm sure there are a lot of people on here that will be able to give you some sound advice.

[longdist]

I was down this road myself. I think NC (highly advocated on this forum) is about the only thing you can do for now. She may have the grass is greener syndrome, thinking that something else/someone else is out there. It's pretty common during a quarter life crisis (mid 20s). You have to let her go fish around because otherwise she'll always wonder and hold resentment against you. She may find that no one can match her memory of you or she may find someone else. You have to let her go for now and don't get your hopes up. You have to seriously let her go until you know you'll be fine without her, which will happen. I know it sucks and I know you want to talk to her. Keep up with the NC, it helps. I eventually healed. You'll need to heal before you ever talk again because otherwise you won't come off as the fun person you are. During the process you can keep in mind that she will remember you and you have the advantage over any other guy b/c of that memory.. if it helps you keep NC.

 

Keep in mind that I don't have my ex back, and that you should be careful with advice that is given. At the same time you're probably going to think based on your emotions for the next few months. So your decsions are probably not going to be sound.

[longdist]

8.5 years, broke up and she hasn't contacted you at all? That's really, really tough mate. I thought my girlfriend of 4 years, breaking up with me for similar reasons - needing to clear her head, felt something was 'missing' was bad, but if I tried to contact her, I know she would reply, heck if I wanted to meet up we would too etc.

If it comforts you, I'll let you know that my ex never once contacted me after going on a break, which turned to a breakup, even after we decided we should remain friends. This is when I went NC. A friendship can't be one-sided. My relationship was getting close to 5 years. Just remember she is also having a tough time getting over you and that is probably the reason she isn't talking to you. At the same time if you start talking, you will probably only drive her away... trust me. Her NC will make yours easier. Again, it sucks and seems cold, but she probably is just trying to get over you.

[Aeryn]

I'd have to agree with the previous posters. Despite how wrong and horrible it may seem and feel, NC is definitely the best way to go. You have to let her go. 8.5 years is a long time, especially for someone in their mid-twenties.

 

Keeping in strict NC will produce two possible outcomes:

(1). You will get over her in time, and learn to move on with your life.

(2). She will realize what she lost, and there could be a possibility of reconciliation.

 

Until then, I would definitely just put it in my head that Option #1 is the answer. That she is done with you, and you need to move on with your life. If she happens to come back around, great! But don't count on it.

 

My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago, as well. Actually, today is the actual 5 week mark of the breakup. He gave me numerous excuses on why he was ending things, but I will go with the excuse that he used the most: He saw no future with me. This was only a near two-year long relationship, and it hurt me like hell. I had trouble accepting it, and didn't accept it at first. I begged, pleaded, bargained, etc for the first couple of weeks. Now I look back and I wish I hadn't. It's been five weeks, and I've accepted it. I've accepted that he's done with me, that he doesn't want a relationship with me, and he doesn't love me like he once did. It still hurts, and deep down I still want another shot at things, but I'm certain I will never have that chance. I have to let him go, and I have to move on with my life, which is what I'm doing.

 

Your situation requires the same. Let her go, and move on with your life. And even though you still have strong feelings for her, don't worry about how she feels or thinks at this point. Just be sort of nonchalant to her feelings, and focus on yourself.

 

And like you, my ex hasn't contacted me either--except yesterday, he sent me an email telling me Happy Birthday. But I always initiated any contact we had during the first couple of weeks, and he would respond. I'm done with it though. I will not contact him anymore, and I will not be his friend. Ever. If he wants to be with me, he can find me and let me know, and we'll see what happens. Until then, I'm doing what I need to do for me, and he can screw himself.

[and again]

My ex and me who were together 6 yrs, lived together engaged etc when we were just a bit younger than you, only spoke once after our break up, it was hard but honestly now i only look back with fond memories, no heartach at all

my most recent ex split with me went 3 months nc, thought she had forgoten about me, then she contacts me, as i was getting better she was getting worse. Dont know where we stand at the momment, but i daid waste a good part of those 3 months down when she would have contacted me either way.

So what im really saying is try not to dwell to much and enjoy yourself as much as you can because it makes no diffrence in the end , what will happen will happen, i know mate easier said than done. Good luck.

[36baba]

Dear all,

 

 

I loved a girl in my school days 10 yrs ago and i still love her and she too,but thing is she was married another guy and having a baby also but that guy is not good and she doesnt like to live with him and wat can i do for this she like to come with me

 

 

please help me

i really love her doesnt matter that she married before

[Paddy084]

Hi guys, thanks for advice. I know I should really stick with the no contact and at the start I decided to do NC in the hope that she would maybe miss me and get in touch, but this obviously hasnt happened. All of you and friends and family are just telling me to leave things as they are now, but its just my gut telling me that if I completely leave things it will haunt me for years that after such a wonderful 8.5 years I never at least tried properly to talk to her and see if there ever is a chance to reconcile.

 

When we were only two years together, we were still in our teens and she finished things for a little while then too for basically the same reasons as now. I think it was deffenitely grass is greener syndrome at that time. The difference between my reactions now and then to the break up is this time ive just gone straight into NC, whereas before I did all the usual begging pleading and so on. We still got to see eachother alot then through meetings with mutual friends. We had been split for about three months unitl one day she was at a party in my house and over heard a friend tell me that she wanted to set me up with one of her friends. The ex heard this and ran straight out of the room, I went after her and after a chat we were back together till now anyway. Suppose i'm saying I kept in the picture then and always tried to win her back and eventually I got what I had longed for. Now that I'm alot more mature I feel or felt anyway that I should just give her space, but doing this isnt obviously giving me what I want....last time I done the oppisite to what everyone on here advices and I won her back, even if we were kids then.

I know she has a family party on tonight and for some reason I just really want to send her a text and tell her that I'm off the drink tonight and if she or any or her family wants a lift anywhere at any stage tonight to just give me a call.......my head is just so messed up, in some ways as stupid as it sounds I kind of wish she was giving me mixed feelings instead of none at all. I just really miss her.

[Aeryn]

Paddy,

 

I know you hurt. Many of us here are going through the pain that you're going through.

 

But like you said, you won her back before by begging and pleading, but you two were kids! Since then, you have both probably done a lot of growing up and maturing, and perhaps her perceptions on what she wants is changing.

 

The best way to go is to continue being mature about things. She needs her space. And as much as you love her and want her, true love requires respect and understanding. So you have to respect her decision and leave things be.

 

That, in my opinion, is how you can really show her that you love and care for her. Begging and pleading will tell her that you're just simply needy and can't move on with your life--which was fine at one point, when you were kids; but you're mature adults now, so it's not feasible.

 

When and if she wants to try working things out with you, she will come around. After 8.5 years together, she has to know--or should know--that you have some very strong feelings for her.

 

Stick to NC. Do not send her a text tonight, because you will most likely be putting yourself back. Go out tonight...go see a movie, hang out with friends, do something! But leaver her alone.