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Dealing with husband's need for attention


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We have been married for 17 years. One teenage son. I am totally frustrated in my marriage. It is hard for me to see outside of what is happening between my husband and myself. Any insight will be appreciated.

 

We have seen a few marriage counselors throughout our marriage. We have an active sex life.

 

My husband turns 50 today. For his gift, I bought him a $500 firefighter helmet (he is a lieutenant with the fire department). I made a mistake and bought the wrong helmet.

 

Because it was the wrong helmet, he has accused me of not caring, stating "it is sad" I care so little about him and his career. He accused me of not "being involved" with our family. He accused me of spending more time with my friends than our family. He said I do not care about his job or his success in his job.

 

I asked him if he could give me specific examples of how he would like me to change - to show him that I do care.

 

He responded by adding additional comments alluding to me I am not making enough time for him - nor my son.

 

Husband: After not passing the testing for lieutenant at least four times, he recently passed and was promoted to a lieutenant position with the fire department. This was a huge deal for him, as he had failed to attain this so many times prior. I am very proud of him. He has worked hard for this. Not passing affected his self esteem, which has always been a little lacking.

 

He is an educated, skilled and talented person with many interests, however his ego is extremely fragile. If I don't recognize and make a big deal out of everything he does (for example, the fact that he mowed the lawn, emptied the dishwasher, etc.), he will become upset and develop hurt feelings. This happens all of the time, with every task he takes on.

 

Tiny things can set him off and cause him to literally "hate" a person forever. He knows no forgiveness. Once he decides he hates a person, who had previously been a good friend to both of us, there is no chance he will ever get over it - and no chance for me to continue a relationship.

 

He has to be right all of the time. He usually is - and makes it known. He is not an abusive person, not verbally nor physically.

 

He has taken over the job of helping our son with his school work. He sends emails to his teachers, at least weekly, and has met with the principal and his teachers no less than five times since the beginning of the school year.

 

He does not like the way I have our son's hair cut, so he has put himself "in charge" of our sons hair. I can no longer take him in for hair cuts.

 

Me: I hold a full time job in a stressful environment. In the midst of changing employers to reduce the number of days I spend in the office. Also have a side business which keeps me busy. I have many friends and like to spend time with them. I consider my husband my best friend, although he, of course, does not like to do the things my girlfriends and I enjoy doing.

 

I am frustrated. I come from a family background where we did not praise one another constantly for everything we did. Admittedly, it would have been nice, but not having this experience makes it harder for me to remember to do this for my husband.

 

I need some feedback on the issues I have presented. My marriage is important to me and I love my husband. We are solid, except for this issue. What is it I can do to make him happy - or is he being unreasonable?

 

Thanks for your help!

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I think it is reasonable for him to expect thank-yous...men need to feel admired and appreciated, just as women do, and it helps to verbalize that on a consistent basis. Aside from that I think he's acting a bit spoiled to flip out over you buying the wrong helmet when it was a simple honest mistake. And I also think it is controlling for him to fault your parenting skills (that is what it sounds like--although maybe I'm reading too much into that) and then take things over rather than working with you to co-parent your child (again, maybe I'm reading too much into it).

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That's a good point. Maybe one evening a week, but usually in front of the TV. Maybe we can use this time talking

 

thats not alot really... and its a stretch to call that 'quality time' too...

did you ever mention this in couseling?

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I think you need to sit down together and have a big talk, get it all out, tell him how you feel as well.

 

Set aside evenings to have a meal together, I read somewhere the forumla to a perfect marriage (probably baloney) Is having two date nights a month, sex three times a week, saying I love you at least once a day and making sure to spend time together without the TV or distractions.

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That's a good point. Maybe one evening a week, but usually in front of the TV. Maybe we can use this time talking

Nowhere near enough to give each other the undivided attention that couples need to strengthen, deepen and reinvigorate their relationship. It doesn't have to be talking all the time about the relationship but sharing time, events, outside interests, etc. And develop some joint interests so that you can do them together.

 

It seems to me that at the moment you are living two solitudes in the same house.

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Yes - I see how this is important. With me in in the middle of changing jobs and actually working for two employers (in addition to my own business) - it is taking a toll on me. Things will get better when I transition into one job.

 

You are very helpful! Thank you so much!

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Yes - I see how this is important. With me in in the middle of changing jobs and actually working for two employers (in addition to my own business) - it is taking a toll on me. Things will get better when I transition into one job.

 

You are very helpful! Thank you so much!

Trying to schedule may help - block out some time. It doesn't have to be rigid but it does help to keep things on track.

 

BTW - compliments cost nothing!!

 

I also think you need to talk to him about both of you making parenting decisions together. He should not be vetoing your decisions or making them unilaterally himself. Parenting is best done when you can agree and then present a united front to your children.

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Yes - I see how this is important. With me in in the middle of changing jobs and actually working for two employers (in addition to my own business) - it is taking a toll on me. Things will get better when I transition into one job.

 

I think it's fine if the busyness is temporary and makes it hard to find alone time (people go through periods like this--like when law grads are studying for the bar--and couples just need to temporarily adjust to that)...just make sure you increase the amount of quality time spent together once it becomes possible do do that again and make sure you're communicating with him about making that temporary adjustment and plans to increase time spent together...don't let this turn into a long-term pattern.

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I am involved in most all of our parenting decisions. He talks to be before he has an interaction with a teacher or administrator at my son's school. He includes me in most everything - he is the one who actually does the communicating, as he is free and off more weekdays than I am. He also has better advanced match (algebra), etc., skills than I, so it is natural that he help our son with this type of homework. Obviously he is doing a good job of this as our son has a straight A average.

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Really no evenings.. I am usually at home every evening, except when my husband is working at the fire department. However, even then, I am home.

 

He gets irritated when I work at my home business (jewelry designer) when I am at home with him (evenings and weekends). I do my work in our dining room, which is on the main floor of our house - within hearing and speaking distance of him, at most times.

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