How does one attain "Redemption"?

[ellandroader]

I don't mean redemption in terms of avenging somebody or anything like that. I mean within yourself. When you know you did your best in a relationship and gave it a good honest go, didn't do a lot wrong but the other person just either couldn't or wouldn't respond to that.

 

And at the end, you are left seeking answers that you will never get, knowing she has her head in the sand and you are left feeling sick sometimes and still hurting every now and then and wondering if it was you?

 

I guess I am very self conscious and tend to take responsibility even when I shouldn't. Nonetheless, I just feel a bit dodgy today taking into account the emotions and so on and am struggling to get past this as I was very clear and straight with her.

 

Can anyone relate? Any words?

[coldplay.]

For me it comes from the natural grieving process, people are going to say you just need to 'accept' it and that 'its not your fault' and they are right, but being in a state of mind and position to do so isnt a do or do not process.

 

Youve just gotta live your life, redemption will come, acceptance will come. Its one of those things that only time can fix i suppose.

[lostandhurt]

Acceptance is what you seek not redemption. If you have been brutally honest with yourself and indeed did try your best to make it work then you have nothing to regret at all. You, or no one for that matter can make someone else love, like, admire, care for or have deep feelings for another unless they want to.

A terrible thing happened to me and my life a year ago and I have learned a lot since then. Intellectually I knew what happened but acceptance took what seemed like forever to come. I couldn't believe it was all happening the way it was going down. It still seems like some cruel joke but I do know deep down that is is real and I need to continue with my life.

This is a step along the path of healing. You may not be moving very fast down the path but you are moving and that is the most important thing.

 

Lost

[ellandroader]

Thank you both, and I understand what you are saying. I know full well that it has to come from within too. I just find it hard to accept how it ended, and how she treated me because I really didn't do anything to deserve it.

 

I have been brutally honest with myself and know what I did right, and wrong. I put myself through all of that in a bid to come out a better person for it all.

 

Lost - it does seem like a cruel joke, you are right.

[WomanWriter]

Maybe we will gain perspective in time. Do you ever think of a person who upset you in middle or elementary school and now look back and feel like it was silly, kid stuff? I do sometimes. I had this "best friend" in 8th grade who used to be very snotty towards me. I thought the world of him. When we stopped talking, I thought it was so unfair. But now I look back and laugh. He turned into a very pathetic, sad person so all I can do is feel sorry for him. Here I thought he was God's gift to friendship, but in perspective, I did not understand that I took him way too seriously.

 

I think we are taking our exes too seriously too. It's really hard not to though! It DOES seem super unfair to us that we felt like we were good partners and they just didn't appreciate what they had. I try not to analyze it too much anymore but sometimes I wonder if my ex hates me or resents me for supposedly cause him to "lose himself" in our relationship. I honestly think, "What if he saw me as a needy leech?" And it makes me feel very nervous about taking up people's time now. I notice that my behavior towards a lot of people in my life has become distant because I'm afraid of smothering them.

 

But looking at the relationship more objectively, I HONESTLY don't feel like I smothered him at all. I put up with seeing him only a couple hours a week, didn't phone him too much, didn't pressure him to pay attention when he had other obligations, didn't nag him. So I really feel resentful, like he's accusing me of snatching his identity when I didn't... and am not even that kind of person! I feel angry!

 

He projected his issues onto ME and made me look like some kind of life-sucking monster! If you met me, you would laugh. I am the least pushy of people I know. I feel very insulted like, "How dare you see me this way in your head?! You should know after all these years that I have been nothing but respectful of your wishes!"

 

And I wonder what he tells his friends and family...do they think I'm some life-sucking leech? LOL Me, of all people?! Wow. His brother divorced someone who met that discription but I was the complete opposite of her. Is he projecting his brother's divorce onto me?

 

Well here I go again analyzing!

 

Anyhow, I'll stop now but I can definitely relate to the feelings of injustice. Wanting to set things straight in their mind, for the record, but not wanting to be petty and open a can of worms either. It's like we are trying to be the "bigger" person by just giving them their space and leaving things alone but feel like things are not completely resolved.

 

We can't control their perceptions of us and I think that's what hurts the most. Like we don't want to have any bad feelings about THEM but we're scared they are going to have bad (or just indifferent) feelings about US. Unrequited love sucks!

[canali]

Yes I think you mean both acceptance and closure....then you may also have to possibly accept that you will not get the closure you need to heal as quickly as you'd like...happens a lot!

 

So keep on focusing on the good and noble efforts you attempted and be patient knowing the above and that for you closure may come later rather tha sooner...check out Judith Beck as she has written some articles on that subject..she had some articles on oprahs website under the subject of uncertainty I think...take care.

[ellandroader]

Anyhow, I'll stop now but I can definitely relate to the feelings of injustice. Wanting to set things straight in their mind, for the record, but not wanting to be petty and open a can of worms either. It's like we are trying to be the "bigger" person by just giving them their space and leaving things alone but feel like things are not completely resolved.

 

We can't control their perceptions of us and I think that's what hurts the most. Like we don't want to have any bad feelings about THEM but we're scared they are going to have bad (or just indifferent) feelings about US. Unrequited love sucks!

 

Yes WW it just doesn't seem fair that we will never know exactly what is going on. The fact that they won't tell us the truth is almost like their petty way of retaining some power too, that little bit of pride that tells them not to give in or whatever. It's frustrating to no end...

 

Yes I think you mean both acceptance and closure....then you may also have to possibly accept that you will not get the closure you need to heal as quickly as you'd like...happens a lot!

 

So keep on focusing on the good and noble efforts you attempted and be patient knowing the above and that for you closure may come later rather tha sooner...check out Judith Beck as she has written some articles on that subject..she had some articles on oprahs website under the subject of uncertainty I think...take care.

 

Thanks for the info Canali. I shall look for those articles. With redemption, I just want to fill that hole I have, and get back what was there before, if that makes sense. I sometimes think I will stumble just because I find it hard to let go when I don't know all the answers and especially when I know I did not treat her, or any girl for that matter, badly.

[canali]

You are right... don't over analyze to death our gig ...do the self assessment and let go of the "if only ..." and focus unstead on "next time..." ...it

USAlso about "chemistry" folks and maybe logically looking at it the formula was only 70% (or whatever) there..now its a simple matter of funding a better and more durable and sustaining formulaic match...happy lab lessons lol!