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I had an affair, But went back to my wife...HELP ME!


dmwv

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Hello to all of you, I am brand new to this site, I had been searching for help and I hope I have come to the right place.

 

I apoplogize now for the lenght of the post but I need help coping!

 

Ok Here it goes, I am a 35 year old male and have been married for 9 years, several years ago my wife and my sexual relationship began to slip away, I still wanted to be with her but she did not, I have come to discover that it was me who had pushed her away sexually by being moody and made stupid financial decisions, I am currently in counseling for the above, I want to say that I do love my wife she is a great mother and partner to me however as stated my sex life was not what I wanted so like many I began talking to a female who is 25 years old and was the so called "girl of my dreams" sexually, she is gourgeous and as you all figured I began a sexual relationship with her, for 3 months I had the best sex of my life, within the 2nd month of my affair this girl started asking me if I was considering leaving my wife and I had been considering it even before the affair began, I eventually began spending every minute I could with my mistress, going to hotels, her home even taking my daughter and her and her daughter to a circus, and so on, I felt that I was falling for her and in the mean time I began to try to push my wife away by not speaking to her and not trying anymore. all at the same time my mistress was on me to leave my wife, and I didnt so she told me it was over, I was relieved when she said this but after only a few days I could not get my mistress out of my head, i kept telling myself and I knoew deep down that this was all sexually driven!!!

 

I eventually told my wife that i wanted to separate this was last wednesday! I left my home and went to my parents and all last weekend started to began what i thought was my new life to be with my mistress, i did have a great time when I was with my mistress but when I would leave her and go to my marital home to get my daughter I saw the hurt that I have caused my wife and I missed being in my life with her and at my home, I then went out with friends and confessed to them what I had been doing, they talked to me and made me realize that what i was doing was wrong and that I would most likely regret my affair if I divorced my wife for this younger girl.

 

I listened to my friends and broke off the affair, my mistress told me that she was done with me and wanted nothing to do with me and that she hoped that I was happy with my decision and not to come crying back to her if my marriage ultimitley failed in the future...... I then went home to my wife and told her that after soul searching that I wanted to be home with my family, we had a long talk about the problems in our marriage and both agreed to work on it, I feel like a huge weight was lifted from me by being home where I should be with my family, I did not tell my wife of the affair and do not plan too because I know that I made the right decision to go home and want to make my marriage work.

 

I do need advice though on how to get this affair out of my head, I have not spoke to my mistress since I broke it off with her however I still think of her daily due to the strong feelings that I had for her sexually, I am scheduled to return to my counselor in 2 weeks to speak with him about my affair, but that is 2 weeks away, if anyone out there has been in this situation please please tell me how you coped with this type of situation.

 

Thank You all

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The biggest mistake you are making right now is to not tell her about the affair. You are downplaying the severity of your and your wifes problems.

 

If it only happened ONCE..just 1 time of * * * * * * * thinking..one mistake..one slip. I might not say anything either if you are truly working on your issues and are sincere in making things right. and it never happened again.

 

But you have had a consistent deceitful sexual affair..and not just sex..you had a relationship with the girl. That is big. You are depriving your wife of making a choice to be in your life.

 

Let me tell you the reason why you are still hung up on the mistress....(i dont like this word either..because even though 'the other woman" knew that you were married, she was not a mistress in her eyes).

 

You would not be so hung up on her if she was not still your secret. If your wife knew about it...i will bet you that your mistress is not the 1st thing on your mind..

 

You are actually choosing her to be there..

 

You have chosen the easy way out by not confronting your wife with your sexual needs, by not saying to her..in her face..that if you dont work on your problems together..you are goin to look elsewhere. Why were you so afraid of her?

 

I am sorry i cant be more blunt than this. You are actually in a very very sad situation and i feel for all of you (and mostly your wife). However you both carry responsibilities in this matter. You will have to come clean on this..because it will haunt you for the rest of your marriage..

 

But you probably know that your marriage is completely over once you tell her right?..and thats probably why you have come here.

 

The truth will set you free..

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I doubt anything good would come out of telling the truth in this already troubled marriage. Maybe tell her in the future when the relationship is stronger..

It is easy for someone outside to say that the truth should be told, because people put themselves in your wife shoes.

But if you want the marriage to work and you want your children to not have to go through a divorce, I would keep it a secret for now.

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If you were really repentant of your affair then you wouldnt be thinking about your mistress. I know of people who have had one off sex and then regretted it.These people have gone back to their family and kept their secret.They realise their mistake too late .

In your case it was a relationship...you have to look in your heart where you want to be ..where you want to go..good luck..sort your mind soul out first.

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Magic toilet: coming from a guy i presume...;-)

 

The thing is..i dont think his marriage will get stronger ....

 

A marriage is a partnership...and he is totally leaving her out of the decisionmaking.

 

Its is wrong..but you will deal with your own consequences..

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I would (as a married woman) love to tell you how I think you're selfish, piggish....etc....

 

But that's just my anger talking. The fact is, I had an affair with someone over 9 years ago while in my last marriage. The fact it was after a separation really does not matter. Te fact he was verbally abusive to me and my child, and physically abusive to my child is not an excuse. The fact I think HE was also having an affair is not an excuse, either. I guess we are all human after all...and we all make mistakes. That is what you made. A huge huge mistake. (So did I, by the way). You also have NO IDEA (not even the slightest clue) how horrible, unattractive, and unlovable you made your wife feel. It will take YEARS for her to heal.

 

Long story short, there are rules if you want to A) Not screw up your kids for life. B) Make the relationship work with ANY woman (mistress or wife). C) Be happy and not die of a heart attack from the stres of your problems with committment.

 

I know, because throughout the last nine years I have researched researched researched to help MYSELF, and can pass on the experiential wisdom to you.

 

I also stayed single for 4 of those years to work on myself. That is so important, really. I did keep in contact with the guy I had the affair with during that time. It was long distance, and we casually dating in the meantime.

 

The rules that I vow to never break:

 

-Never go outside of a marriage to try to fix something in a current marriage (all marriages have these issues. The "problems" you write of are actually very very normal issues. Sex always wavers at some point esp. after kids). It would happen (most likely) even with mistress after kids and time.

 

-Never ever put yourself in a situation to have an affair (emotional or sexual). Avoid bars, hanging out w co workers after work...etc....

 

-There is no excuse for having an affair. It's your problem. PERIOD! I don't care if your spouse tried to KILL you, at that point the dumbest thing to do to YOURSELF and the mistress is to start a mess of an emotional roller coaster at that point. We all need to be healthy before starting another rel. ESP after a marriage with kids.

 

-You should wait wait wait years after a divorce before ever starting another rel. or the chances are SEVERELY stacked against you that it won't work at all. Then not only did you lose your wife and kids...you lost your mistress and you're left with yourself and your bad relationship habits and lack of ability to committ. As a matter of fact, it's around a 75% failure rate of a SECOND marriage with kids (without infidelity). It goes up even more if you started the relationship with an affair.

 

-Lets look at your mistress. For crying out loud, if she did it WITH you, chances are she will do it TO you. How high of quality could this girl be? A married man with children? A) She has NO self respect...and that's psycho and scary. If she doesn't value herself more than trying to be with a married man...she's got issues. period. Watch out! B) She lacks morals. Do you really want someone like that around your kids? C) She uses sex to nab a man? A married man? What other qualities does this pocket of sunshine have? Any at at all? you didn't mention any.

 

It's a good thing I type fast. I hope I have helped. I know I have been blantantly honest, but I think it's best to cut to the chase. Good luck with everything.

 

I have to honestly write that I think people (like us) who don't keep ourselves in serious check...can end up very alone and very unhappy. That is...if we don't learn to be emotionally intimate with our spouse, and pick a good person from the beginning.

Please don't make your life and YOUR CHILDREN'S lives more difficult. I hope you can work things out with your wife and cut things off with the mistress. It's a no-win otherwise.

 

 

 

-

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First, you need to re-read what you read here and recognize that you need to reach down deep within yourself and find some compassion for other people and quit using them as pawns to satisfy your passing fancies.

 

You are making it very clear that you were basically using your mistress for sex, and being colossoly selfish to take your wife's child out with your mistress and her child like you're a happy little family, when it was all a charade to get yourself some hot sex.

 

Also recognize that your wife most likely has already figured out you had an affair if you were doing things like taking your daughter on rendevous and being totally cold to her.

 

So you need to get your feet on the ground and recognize that the world doesn't revolve around your every whim, and spend the two weeks thinking about regardless of any sex drive you have, it is a terrible thing to use the people in your life the way you've been using your wife, mistress, and even your child if you are taking her on adulterous rendevous to please your mistress.

 

I honestly think you need to tell your wife about the affair, and let her choose whether she wants to be with someone who would behave this way. And you need to go to your counselor to address learning ways to develop empathy and connection with other people to relate to them as people with needs, not just pawns to satisfy your own whims.

 

The issue isn't whether you should have this woman or that woman, but how to learn to relate to other people with empathy and self control such that you don't destroy your most intimate emotional connections. Recognize that your craving for this other woman is just self indulgence, and you are not a child who gets to indulge every passing craving. Spend these two weeks reminding yourself you don't get to have everything you want, and you need to learn to suck it up and be an adult.

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You can't forget the woman or the affair "just like that". It happened and you are bound to have memories, good and bad, you can't control what you think but you can control how you deal with what you think.

 

Tell yourself that you have made a decision and that decision is final. The affair is over, finished. And it was the right choice (you know deep inside it is). Life lies ahead, not behind you. Reaffirm this over and over in your mind.

 

Accept these thoughts as something that will remain with you for quite some time, it is IMPOSSIBLE to stop thinking about them and the more that you try not, to the more they will stick. Remember that. So don't try not to think them, think them. But just let them play in the background and get on with your day

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even taking my daughter and her and her daughter to a circus

 

Are you sure your wife doesn't know about the affair? I mean, couldn't your daughter have said something about the company at the circus, and didn't your wife wonder who you were with? If your friends know, isn't it likely that it would get back to your wife in time?

 

There is nothing in your original post which really gives a clue as to your wife's take on all this...

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  • 3 years later...

Accept these thoughts as something that will remain with you for quite some time, it is IMPOSSIBLE to stop thinking about them and the more that you try not, to the more they will stick. Remember that. So don't try not to think them, think them. But just let them play in the background and get on with your day

 

What an old post, but how applicable to my current situation! I wonder how things went for you ..

 

I just ended an affair of more than 5 years and I can barely can go on with my life. Thoughts about my OW keep hunting me and I just want them to stop!

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