New here .... not sure what to do. Should I just walk away? (Warning: This is long!)

[capricorn1969]

My guy and I (both 40) have been dating for almost 8 months now. We are not exclusive. When we initially got together, it was supposed to be just something "for now". Neither one of us was looking for a serious relationship. I was just out of a 6 month relationship and he just flat out said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. (FWIW, he and I have known each other for a few years)

 

It was great at first. All the fun without all of the complications of a relationship. Right after Thanksgiving I started to feel myself develop feelings for him. I was getting that same vibe from him as well. We kept things just as they were with neither one of us bringing up "the talk". I was happy and he seemed happy so I figured just let things happen naturally.

 

Fast forward a few months and here I am in a state of "uh oh, what do I do now?"

 

Over the last few months he has said "ILY" more than once (maybe 2-3 times), most recently the weekend before Easter. I've not said it back because each time he has said it, I give him the "What did you just say?" comment and he gets all embarrassed and changes the subject. Our chemistry is ridiculous. No one has ever made me feel the way he does. We are intimate but we've never slept together. He's never pressured me.

 

We both have children. My child is 14 and lives with me full time and goes to his fathers on alternate weekends. His 2 kids are younger (both under 10) and he has them one week on and one week off. While we live close to each other, we typically only see each other on Saturday night during his "off" weekends and then usually once or twice the following week when he does not have his kids. I've not met them nor has he met mine.

 

I'm sorry this is long. Thank you for hanging in there. I'm finally about to get to my point.

 

Last Thursday night I was over his house and we were getting ready to go out to dinner. We were just standing there kissing when something came out of my mouth ... I said, "You're kissing differently." I don't know why I said it. I don't even think I meant it. And even if I did mean it, we are not exclusive so he could be seeing a different girl every night of the week and I wouldn't be able to say anything about it. He quickly looked confused and I said I was only joking. We had dinner and the night was fine.

 

On the Monday morning after Easter I woke up at 430am from a horrible dream. I had dreamt that he and a girl I went to high school with had also been seeing each other for the same amount of time as he and I had. I care about this man so the thought of him with another woman doesn't sit well with me. I woke up on the verge of tears and had to wait a few seconds before I realized that it was just a dream. I sent him a text that said I had an awful dream and I wish he was there next to me. Later that morning he called me, but I was on the phone. We finally spoke and he said all the right things, "dont worry, it was just a dream", etc. I was fine after that. Later that morning I sent him a text asking him if he wanted to watch a Tivo'd show this Saturday (tomorrow). He usually plans our dates, but I do initiate from time to time. Is this the wrong way to do things? I just thought that since we have known each other for a while, it would be ok? He did not respond to my text. On Wednesday I still had not heard from him so I sent him another note inquiring about Saturday. Then I made what I thought was a funny/sarcastic comment about how he didn't have any more points left. (It's an inside joke between us). A short while later he called me, but I was walking out the door to meet a friend and I told him I would call him back. I called him back and proceeds to tell me that I have absolutely stressed him out this week. "You're making me feel like I did something wrong when I didn't!" "You're acting like a jealous girlfriend, but you're not." "Why did you send a text saying I didn't have any points left?" I was really surprised about all of this. I had NO IDEA that I was making him feel this way. I was stunned and said the points reference was just a joke. Then I apologized if I had stressed him out, but it was not my intention.

 

We got off the phone and I sat there just speechless. Later that night I called him because I wanted to talk just for a minute. He did not answer so I did something that you all are probably going to want to kill me for. I wrote out a single paragraph telling him that I was sorry for making him feel stressed out and that it was not my intention to do so and then I went and put it on his windshield. YIKES!

 

The next morning (yesterday) he did not acknowledge the note, but he did send me a text wishing me good luck on a job interview I had. I responded to thank him and that was that.

 

What is going on here? How did we go from 2 weeks ago to him being totally gaga over me (I left out a lot of stuff, but the Saturday before Easter was one of our best nights together because he was saying the absolute sweetest things to me) to all of a sudden him feeling like I'm a jealous girlfriend? I've not acted any differently that I have during our time together.

 

Perhaps I let myself get lured by his "I love you's" and his "I miss you's" and his "You're trying to make it so I can't live without you, aren't you?" comments.

 

What do I do at this point? I've obviously gone and made other plans with a girlfriend for tomorrow night, but I really feel like he and I are "done" even though the words were never spoken. I've also feel like I've royally screwed up here. Is there anything I can do?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

[mentee]

he loves you but has a fear of relationships .. have you guys discussed relationships in general? do you know what his feelings are about that and why he may hesitate? he seems very sensitive to "jealous girlfriends" .. did he have an insecure, controlling, manipulative ex? he might have something PTSD-like from a previous bad relationship ...

[DN]

He has said "I love you" two or three times and essentially you blew him off.

 

That is why he is acting as he is. He thinks you don't care for him that way but is getting seriously mixed messages from you.

[capricorn1969]

No, no. He knows EXACTLY how I feel about him. Trust me. It has nothing to do with him feeling blown off.

 

When we met a few years ago, he was just divorced so he wasn't looking for anything serious. We VERY casually dated on and off for a while, but I ended up meeting someone. Before I gave myself to this other person, I let him know ... gave him a chance to perhaps start something with me and he said it wasn't something he felt he could do. So I went and dated this other person. A few months into that relationship and he came back into my life stronger than ever. Calling, texting, emailing ... telling me to break up with my current guy and go out with him. I did not do that and it went on for months. This guy and I did eventually break up, but it had nothing to do with him. Right away he and I started spending time together again, but as soon as he did, he started saying, once again, that he didn't want anything serious. At the time, it was ok with me because I was still going through the motions of a break up, but he knew that having a boyfriend was something I absolutely wanted.

 

He knew I absolutely adored him. Our whole "relationship" was based on his terms. Whenever I would bring up stuff about being a couple, etc. he would get all nervous and fumbly. It was a subject that he CLEARLY did not like.

[DN]

He knew I absolutely adored him

How did he know? If someone says they love you and you don't respond how are they supposed to know you love them back - sorry, that just doesn't make sense to me.

[capricorn1969]

I wish I could explain it better. All I can say is that there is not a doubt in my mind that he didn't know how I felt about him. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

 

 

P.S. I love your profile picture!