Dating Widowed Mom

[looking4]

Hi,

 

I have been dating a woman for little over 3 months. I'm 47, divorced 14 years, 1 daughter who is 18 in college.

 

She is 41, has two kids, boy 8, girl 3. The girl was born 3 weeks after the father died of a heart attack at 38 years old.

 

So we have been dating a little over 2 months. Going very slow, but we do like each other. I have met her kids 4 times (each time was an invite by her) in the last month. Kids and I get along great.

 

Yesterday, we met for lunch with her daughter. Very nice, very "family like".

 

Today, Mom is backing off a bit, saying how she wants less time that we spend with kids, a bit more alone time (which is hard to find as she is full 100% time parent). Babysitter is always her Mom, who lives down the block. So, can't just "call" someone to watch the kids. She is going back to saying, that she is not looking for a commitment at this point, not looking for a father for her children, and I am doing my best not to react but to just listen to her, just pointing out that each time I have met the kids, it was by her invite, not my request, and that even though it may feel early for her, this is not abnormal meeting children within 1-2 months of what has been an exclusive realtionship so far. Mom said that when we did a little "shopping after lunch, (the 3 of us), looking at how we intereact together, she was so wishing her husband was there, and that her daughter is never going to get to be with her father like that.

 

I am Mom's first dating expereince after her husband's death. She was just hit the "jackpot". (actually our first conversation was that my child grown, and I was not looking for someone with young children.... Now I see myself falling back into that parent role sooo easily).

 

I know she is scared. I know this is bring up memories and dreams that will never come to pass. The is so much I want to tell her. Every time she says that she is not looking for a father for her children, I want to tell her that she should be, and I am willing to be that person. That her son and daughter deserve to grow up having a father to cherish them, and that it doesn't have to be their biological father.

 

Is there anything I can say to her? Do I just hold it all in for now, because sharing this with her may just scare her off?

[yellowcal]

It's hard being a single parent, I can't imagine how hard it must me being a single WIDOWED parent. Truthfully you need to step back a little bit and not be looking to be a father to her kids, give her time. If she says she doesn't want to jump the gun this quickly then you need to respect that. She has young children she needs to look after and think about, it isn't just her. I respect her for trying to keep your relationship separate from the kids because it gets extremely confusing for kids their age when someone comes into their life and then there is a chance you two won't work out and theres another guy out of their life. You two have only been together 2 months it seems you may be rushing it alot more than she is comfortable with.

[looking4]

As I said, each time the kids and I met was always at her invite. I've never requested to be with them, but have let her know I like them, and don't mind being with them. And when with them, I am very careful (even more than her) not to show any PDA's in front of them, which I know she appreciates.

 

Although, I can see how easily I can fall into a "father" role when being with them. (I have noticed that we are both "nurturer's"). Partly, she wanted "us" to all meet, to see how we got along, and she said she was "baffled" and how well we did.

[yellowcal]

As I said, each time the kids and I met was always at her invite. I've never requested to be with them, but have let her know I like them, and don't mind being with them. And when with them, I am very careful (even more than her) not to show any PDA's in front of them, which I know she appreciates.

 

Although, I can see how easily I can fall into a "father" role when being with them. (I have noticed that we are both "nurturer's"). Partly, she wanted "us" to all meet, to see how we got along, and she said she was "baffled" and how well we did.

 

Every time she says that she is not looking for a father for her children, I want to tell her that she should be, and I am willing to be that person.

 

This is what I was referring to when I say maybe you shouldn't be looking to be their father figure. What she did was fine, up to her discretion but I applaud her for taking the right steps and keeping her relationship separate from them. It's okay to do things as a "family" every once in awhile but only 2 months in it is kind of soon to be around her kids full time.

 

But I also applaud you for being willing to accept that she has children, not many men do that. Just give her time and respect her wishes, if she feels it is best that you two do more things alone than involving her children then it's probably best. For now. For most people 2 months is extremely early to be involving children, especially children as young as her kids are. They get confused way too easily.

 

When I was dating in the past, I dated a guy for 4 months before my son even met him and then when they actually did meet it was just a friendly thing , no holding hands or nothing with my son around. I did that as a precaution and needless to say i'm glad I did because we ended up breaking up not even a month later.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I am a Widower and can tell you first hand, you will never quite understand the complexity in what seems to be the smallest things. The best advice I can give you is to be VERY PATIENT. Let her know you want things to develop naturally and at whatever pace best suits her needs. Let her know that you have no intentions of trying to replace the kids father, but you could certainly see how easy it would be to love and care for them as if they were your own. She may be having feelings of guilt when seeing you interact with them, I know I did. Reassure her that you want their father to remain a part of their life and you would encourage them to keep that memory alive.

 

She will probably go hot and cold quite a bit. I would immediately detach myself from anyone I was getting close to. If you are a patient and understanding man, this could work.

[amipushy]

I'm a widow and I agree with Kaiser.

 

You are already imagining yourself as the man and father figure in her and her childrens lives while she is only just coming out of hibernation. If you keep this pace up she will withdraw completely and shut you out, possibly for good.

 

When she tells you she is not looking for a father to her children, believe her. She doesn't sound like she is emotionally ready or capable at this time for deep romantic love but just wants some company and someone to be 'there' for her.

 

If you care for her then just walk beside her and be that someone. Be the best thing thats happened to her since he died.

[KG]

Looking,

As a widower, I can tell what she may be going through. You are filling a void in her life, which is great. She must have really liked you to allow you into her life.

 

Then she invites you to meet her kids...naturally. But when she she you and the kids together, she's reminded of what they will be missing, their father, so she remembers too. Again, natural.

 

She's getting mixed emotional messages, kind of "pushmepullyou." I'd say go slow, don't lose this woman, but give her the time and space to proceed at her speed. She is grieving, and also grieving for her kids.

 

My best wishes to you. I hope it all sorts out.

KG