Boyfriend "cheating"?

[Mrs]

Hi,

 

I joined this site because I've been too afraid to ask my friends about this. They all generally know me as a very self-assured and unafraid person. However I feel like I've been totally thrown a curveball by life and it has me really scared and totally questioning myself.

 

I'll just jump right into it because I know that this is going to be a really long story....

 

I met a guy online (For the sake of coherency I'll refer to him as T.H.) and we talked over the phone, every day, 5 hours at a time, for two months before I agreed to meet him. Even before I met T.H. in person I knew that I was developing very strong feelings for him, but at the time a relationship was the last thing that I wanted. (This is because, frankly, I was a mental shipwreck back then and shouldn't have been dating anyone.) However, we met and really clicked, just like we had over the phone, so I agreed to see him whenever he came to my town to visit.

 

... A couple months later I was living with T.H. in his apartment in Charlotte and we were officially dating.... I know that's extremely fast but it's been over a year since I moved in with him and I honestly don't regret anything about our relationship or how we met. I'm in love with him and, if anything, he forced me to pull my head out of the sand and helped me put my life back together.

 

But here's the problem.... I don't trust him.

 

When we were speaking over the phone, when we first met, we told each other everything about our pasts. I told T.H. about how badly I had messed up my career and he told me about his "Ex's"..... (I'll refer to them as Sarah, Beth and Mary)

 

A few months prior to us talking to each other T.H. had gotten out of a four year relationship with his girlfriend, Beth. He told me that they met when he was barely out of high school and, even though he knew that they had nothing in common and their personalities clashed, he asked her to move in with him because she had money and he was young, stupid and starving.

 

Three years passed and one day T.H. decided that he wanted to go to college. When he visited the school to apply, he found out that his parents owed a crap-load of back-taxes to the IRS. Since, at the time, he was under 25 years old this meant that he would be getting no monetary help from the government at all... So he called up Beth and pretty much said, "I want to go to college and I can't unless I'm married. So, uh.... Do you want to get married?" Beth said yes and they were officially engaged. (romantic, huh?)

 

Soon after, T.H. started doubting himself and decided that college probably wasn't a good idea (especially if it meant that he had to marry Beth). So he dropped his college plans, but he didn't drop Beth.... The engagement was still officially "on", even though his plans had changed and she never got a ring.

 

Fast-forward to a year later, four days before the wedding. Beth had gotten the license, the dress, the church.... everything.... When they get a call that T.H.'s father died. So they drove down to Florida for the funeral and to rescue his mother, who had been living in squalor trying to pay for her husbands hospice.

 

So with T.H.'s incredible sense of timing.... he breaks off the engagement AT THE FUNERAL! He and Beth get into a shouting match in the church and his family throws them out.

 

T.H. and Beth leave for home after the funeral, taking T.H.'s mother along to live with them in their tiny 2 bedroom apartment in Charlotte (The same one that I eventually moved into with him... Some of Beth's things had been left and I had to them out). The two were still a couple even though he broke their engagement (T.H. told me that through the entire engagement he had a feeling of impending doom and had tried to break up with Beth several times and she "wouldn't let him"...a few months before the wedding date he impulsively had packed a suitcase and left her and Beth took him back when he lost his job, ran out of money, and had nowhere to sleep.)

 

T.H. and Beth struggled as a couple for three more months until he decided that the relationship was over once and for all. (This is where the details of his story always got a little fuzzy) According to him they continued to live together for months after they broke up and he was even still SLEEPING with Beth occasionally. Though they really didn't speak to each other, Beth had the belief that he would come to his senses sooner or later and told him as much repeatedly. However, T.H. clearly had other plans. He was talking to a few "old friends", Sarah and Mary, on his cell phone for hours every night.

 

Sometimes T.H. tells me that he only spoke to them when Beth was sleeping, other times he told me that Beth knew all about it and didn't care, that she had even placed a personals ad which I think doesn't make sense if she thought they were going to get back together... but anyway... T.H. decided that he wanted to drive down to Florida to visit Sarah and Mary but at the time he was struggling to support his mother and his sister (who left her fiancé as well and joined the 3 of them in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment). So, he went to Beth.... He told her that there was a big real estate convention in Florida that he HAD to go to for his job but he was totally broke. Beth, forever being the push-over, loaned him $300 and he took the cash and his car and went off on his merry way.

 

... Well T.H. visited both girls (neither of which knew about the other) and what he told me was that he decided that neither of them were good "girlfriend material", I'm sure only after he slept with both of them. So he drove back home, paid Beth back her money. Eventually Beth found out what he did. (I have no idea how, he tells me that he told her, himself but I don't think I trust him on that.) They had a huge fight and she threw him out.... so he went back to Florida to stay with some relatives.

 

According to T.H. he was extremely depressed and developed a drinking problem that got so bad his Uncle told him that he had two choices: either stop drinking, or leave. So he got up in the middle of the night, stole a bottle of something from his uncles liquor cabinet, grabbed a razor, drove out to a closed factory parking lot and tried to kill himself. A security guard found him and called an ambulance.

 

T.H. was kept for psych treatment in the hospital for a few days before he got released. His uncle had come to visit him in the hospital and told him that T.H. was no longer welcome in his home, so he got back in his car and headed for Charlotte. He arrived in the middle of the night, Beth had no idea that he was coming, so after the inevitable screaming match Beth packed most of her things and left for a friends house. T.H. tells me that was the last time that he saw her.

 

One person whom he has kept in contact with is Mary... though he swore up and down that they don't email or talk on the phone at all since he left FL.

 

However I woke up in the middle of the night and he was on the computer, on Facebook.... emailing her. He doesn't know that I know his Facebook password (he uses the same password for everything and I've checked his email for him before)... So I checked his Facebook inbox and there they all were.... emails to Mary telling her that he missed her, he has so many regrets, and that he's sorry that she is dating someone else now (even though she was dating someone when he "visited" her). These emails have been going on during our ENTIRE relationship. Though, to his credit, there were months between emails and the language was not overly flirty, mostly just lamenting on "the one that got away".

 

I discovered this correspondence about a month ago... and I've been checking his Facebook every day. Two weeks ago Mary asked him to call her and he told her that he couldn't because his *girlfriend* had already told him that she would leave him if she found out that he was talking to her. Which is true, I did tell him that right when we first started dating.... before I knew about all of this crap going on on Facebook.

 

Also, I don't know whether it's me being paranoid, but when he told Mary that I would leave him he referred to me by name. This is weird since it was the first time that he had mentioned me to her in all of the messages I've read (and I've read them ALL)... This makes me think that they've either spoken on the phone or instant messaged each other in addition to the emails I found.

 

Here's my dilemma... What the holy heck do I do now? ... I've let this drag on for way too long... and in July I plan on visiting my parents for my fathers birthday. I'll be gone for 3 days leaving him totally alone to do as he will.

 

... but, like I said, I don't TRUST him....

 

I don't want to break up with T.H. because I love him to an obscene degree.... but how can I confront him? First of all, I don't want to because he has a quick temper and I risk him leaving me just in a fit of rage. (I know that he will freak out about how I invaded his privacy) Secondly, he's been sneaking around, that's clear, but am I any better since I've been spying on them? I really don't think I have the moral high ground.

 

I really don't want to be his next Beth. He swears up and down that I'm nothing like her. ... "Beth was a mouse and you have self respect. That's why I love you. You'd have no problem with telling me off if I ever wronged you."

 

I'm more of a mouse than he thinks.... I know that I can forgive T.H. for emailing Mary, but I wont be able to live with much more than emails. I'm afraid that if I don't stop him and it gets worse I'm going to end up just packing and leaving when he is at work one day. But there's another part of me that thinks if he does it to me once he will do it again and again... so even though reading their letters makes me so angry that I shake, I want to see if he will stop it himself. I want to see if he loves me at least that much.

 

If you read all of this, thank of for doing that much.... I know it was extremely long and probably didn't make much sense, but I wanted to tell it all because I haven't spoke to anyone about this and it's truly killing me. I cry whenever I think about it.

 

Besides, I know that advice is better when the adviser knows the entire story, not just the abridged version.

[stranded247]

After reading your story twice over there is only one thing I can say: Get out this relationship as fast as you can!! Yes I know you're in love with him to an obscene degree which will make it seem immensely hard. I know everytime you consider leaving him you probably change your mind because you love him so much. But seriously, this guy is the most untrustworthy sounding person. How can you be with someone who used a woman so badly and so obviously. The way you described it made him sound like he had very little guilt. He sounds like a user and a womanizer and if I'm honest I don't believe for a minute that he regards you as different to betty. And the fact that he felt he could treat betty like that just because she was a 'mouse' and had no 'self-respect' is appaling. And she's not the first woman he's treated badly. What he is doing behind your back with this other woman sounds like that start of something very bad. He clearly has a lot of problems. I cannot see how a man like this, regardless of how much you love him or he claims to love you, would do anyone any good. And if I'm honest his actions don't show much love towards you or any other women. Seriously, I'm sorry my reply has been so gloomy but there is nothing positive about this situation. He sounds like a very toxic man, I'm sure if you leave him and are away from him you will begin to see this for yourself.

[winchester3]

You could ask him if he still talks to any of his old girls and see if he lies or tells you the truth. That could help you judge his character. Personally if it bugs me that much, i wouldnt let it sit for long. Affirmative action needs to be taken.

[Goldilocks]

Wow I am unsure of what to say because this is such a crap situation. It’s easy to say you knew how he was or that you should leave because you deserve better but life is not that simple not when you’re in love with someone.

 

I know plenty of people who keep in touch with there ex as security/ backup in case there current relationship does not work out. This could be what he is doing no? Because so far he is not breaking the line you set because he doesn’t want to lose you, which means he wants you.

 

I'd suggest confessing to sneaking around, it’s going to bite, he's going to be mad but at least then you can air out what you’re struggling with. Otherwise it’s just going to continue to hurt you.

[Casey13]

I read through your very long post and have to say that I cant find a single reason why you would want to be with someone who played girls, used them for money, offered to marry a girl just so he doesnt have to pay for school, dumped her just before the wedding and after she invested much time and money into it, lied to girls, doesnt have a stable life style and tried to kill himself not to mention the drinking problem. I wouldnt trust a person like that to any degree either. Although chemistry is there and you may have fallen for his looks/personality it sure seems like hes bottom of the food chain when it comes to life management. This is him and he will probably email these girls again so you just have to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with him for it.

[Scorpion Fury]

lmao you're worried about HIM leaving YOU?

 

*shakes head*

 

he is a big steaming pile of douche. please use your head here. What to do is obvious

[Mrs]

He has always been very remorseful when he speaks about what he did to Beth. He claims that he lost everything because of his actions and that he is a different person.

 

When I was snooping I found an email that he sent her a few weeks after we started talking together. He apologized for everything that he had done to her over the years.

 

If she sent a reply it was deleted.

[Mrs]

You could ask him if he still talks to any of his old girls and see if he lies or tells you the truth. That could help you judge his character. Personally if it bugs me that much, i wouldnt let it sit for long. Affirmative action needs to be taken.

 

I have asked him. He claims that he hasn't spoken to Mary since before he met me.

[Scorpion Fury]

He has always been very remorseful when he speaks about what he did to Beth. He claims that he lost everything because of his actions and that he is a different person.

 

When I was snooping I found an email that he sent her a few weeks after we started talking together. He apologized for everything that he had done to her over the years.

 

If she sent a reply it was deleted.

 

he is lying and emailing other women telling them he misses them.

[Mrs]

Wow I am unsure of what to say because this is such a crap situation. It’s easy to say you knew how he was or that you should leave because you deserve better but life is not that simple not when you’re in love with someone.

 

I know plenty of people who keep in touch with there ex as security/ backup in case there current relationship does not work out. This could be what he is doing no? Because so far he is not breaking the line you set because he doesn’t want to lose you, which means he wants you.

 

I'd suggest confessing to sneaking around, it’s going to bite, he's going to be mad but at least then you can air out what you’re struggling with. Otherwise it’s just going to continue to hurt you.

 

Thank you for understanding the position that I'm in right now. T.H. told me about all of this from the very start and I truly believe that he is ashamed of what he did to Beth.

 

I'm afraid that if I was totally wrong about his change of character and he is using me like he did Beth, the reason that he is talking to Mary is exactly what you stated.... He is either keeping her around just in case I don't work out or he is feeling her out again, to see if he can start something.

 

I guess I'm going to have to tell him what I did, eventually, anyway. If I tell him now I'll either give myself a chance at catching him before this goes too far, or He'll leave me... which is what would have eventually happened anyway

[Ac143]

Wow, I can't find ONE reason why I would stay with someone like this. Is he cheating? I think so....maybe not physcially but he is definitely cheating emotionally. Im sorry you found this out but there is a reason you snooped & it was probably your gut telling you something is wrong with him & the relationship.

 

I would confront him & if he leaves from a fit of rage....then thank goodness! BUT to answer your questions yes he's cheating & yes he is treating you like he treated Beth. Sorry

[Mrs]

I even briefly considered emailing Beth to get her side of things and to see if T.H. really has changed by comparison.... but thats crazy person territory.

[Miss Firecracker]

I disagree with your boyfriend. I think you have zero self respect. This is the saddest story I've seen in a very long time.

[PsychGirly]

He lies. He's very dependent in nature. He feeds off other people to survive. He's going behind your back talking to ex-lovers. He's suicidal.

 

Why are you in love with him again?

 

This is where you need to put your emotions aside & think rationally.

 

You sound like a very smart, stable, & balanced woman. You keep stating that you CAN'T TRUST HIM, which means you have very logical reasons not to.

 

This can potentially become a very dangerous situation. The sooner you get out, the better.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that you need to ask yourself..."Is this a person that I can trust to consider spending the rest of my life with?"

[agent1607307371]

I agree with everything already posted.

 

He's not only told you what kind of guy he is, he's got you on side about it too.

 

He's good.

[keenan]

Good God, woman. I feel like I just read a soap opera script! I don't mean to make light of your pain, but...this guy is such a waste of space that his ONLY redeeming quality is that two very nice women have loved him dearly. Honestly, I think you and Beth need to team up and find a way to dispose of him so that he doesn't cause harm to other unsuspecting nice girls. Then the two of you can become roommates and watch out for one another in the future.

[velvette]

what DO you like about this guy?! he is not worthy of any relationship, you should thank god if he leaves you. otherwise get up and leave yourself. he's a user without responsibility or consequence. plus he lies with two faces. he tells you mary is not girlfriend material, but he tells her that she's 'the one who got away'??

 

right now, make a list of alll his qualities. good vs bad. see, objectively, how lame he is! you're smart and analytical, you can get out from this crap relationship!

[laisla]

I even briefly considered emailing Beth to get her side of things and to see if T.H. really has changed by comparison.... but thats crazy person territory.

 

Mrs....you have seen the proof that he has not changed. he is e-mailing and flirting with others and lies to you about it. there is no question about it.

 

you snooping was justified. you were suspicious and his past behaviour was a red flag to it all. snooping is NOWHERE near as bad as what he is doing to you. don't let him guilt trip you into it. he is in the wrong.

 

stand up for yourself. you can do it.