BoddenProBowler06 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 EVERY TIME I have gone out with my guy friends (which is rare) my girlfriend texts me the entire night complaining about how she's pissed she has nothing to do, how she can't talk to me before bed, how I better not be drinking, etc. The other night it was unbearable. I told her I had got there and said I'd be there for a little bit because I really didn't know anyone. But then I got to talking to some of the guys and stayed a little longer than I expected. 2 hours passed and I headed home. I texted her that I was leaving, and she goes off about how I need to make up my mind because I said I was going to leave early but so much time had passed. She went on and on about me doing this. Personally, I didn't know it was such a big deal. So subsequently, she ruined another night of fun for me by making it into an argument. Then the next day she acts like nothing happened. She doesn't even acknowledge it. It's so god damn annoying. Sometimes I will even leave parties I'm at because I get so fed up with her that I don't even care about partying anymore. It just makes me want to go insane. When she goes out with friends, I let her. I don't hound her. I just tell her to have fun and text me when she gets home. I don't get why she can't do the same thing for me. It's almost to the point where I don't want to tell her that I'm going out because maybe she'd leave me alone for once. I've gone out ONCE with my friends in the last 2 months. I almost avoid going out because I hate when she gets like this. I don't know if I can handle this anymore. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 talk to her and tell her it's not cool. you need alone time with your friends. if she doesn't knock it off, she needs to go. Link to comment
bmwm3 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I had a gf like this when i was 20.. i felt like i was a prisoner.. i tried talking with her reasoning with her and nothing worked.. and i ended up breaking up with her, because i couldnt take it anymore.. best thing i did. hopefully she learned something from it and didnt repeat in her next rel... all you can do is talk with her, lay out everything.. either she will change or you have to put up with it.. or you move on... Link to comment
BoddenProBowler06 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I have talked to her and she says she does it because she cares about me so much. I told her it was fine that she cared but I'm a grown man and can make my own decisions. She understood for about a week before doing the same stuff again. I don't think she will ever change. Aside from this, I do love her to death. But it's hard to take. Link to comment
steelcitymstro Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Definitely not okay. Call her hypocrisy to her attention--why is it okay for her to go out but not you? Does she try to control other aspects of your life? A relationship has to be a two-way street of compromise. If it's important to you to hang out with your friends (and it certainly doesn't sound like you're ignoring her in the process), then she needs to recognize that, respect it and not make you feel guilty for it. If she can't do that, I'd say it's a relationship deal-breaker--a girlfriend who tries to control when you can hang with your friends will become a fiancee who thinks the world revolves around her and a wife who steers your marriage toward her wants and needs only. Nip this in the bud and send a clear message to her that she doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore than you get to tell her what to do. If she doesn't get the message, move on. In the meantime, when you go out, don't answer your phone or texts....you shouldn't feel guilty and even though she'll try to convince you otherwise, she'll survive.... Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I have talked to her and she says she does it because she cares about me so much. I told her it was fine that she cared but I'm a grown man and can make my own decisions. She understood for about a week before doing the same stuff again. I don't think she will ever change. Aside from this, I do love her to death. But it's hard to take. wrong, she does it because shes insecure and controlling. unless you have done something to compromise her trust in you, this is her issue, not yours. Link to comment
sosilver Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Talk to her, let her know. I used to be that way, where I would ask my bf to text me if he was going out and call on the way back. He never told me it bugged him, instead he just resented me and got distant, and needless to say it caused a lot of arguments. I was pretty controlling, I realised later. The only thing that can help avoid things from getting worse is communication. She might be insecure, if thats the case, reassure her... She has to understand that this is stifling you...and that you are fed up! Link to comment
BoddenProBowler06 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Definitely not okay. Call her hypocrisy to her attention--why is it okay for her to go out but not you? Does she try to control other aspects of your life? She does try to control me in other ways, but I don't let her. She's a very manipulative person. If she wants something bad, she will try to find a way to get it. She ALWAYS tries to make me feel guilty and make me out to be the bad guy. It's quite annoying, and I don't even know if she realizes she does it half the time. Talk to her, let her know. I used to be that way, where I would ask my bf to text me if he was going out and call on the way back. He never told me it bugged him, instead he just resented me and got distant, and needless to say it caused a lot of arguments. I was pretty controlling, I realised later. The only thing that can help avoid things from getting worse is communication. She might be insecure, if thats the case, reassure her... She has to understand that this is stifling you...and that you are fed up! She is very insecure. She needs constant reassurance that I'm okay and that the relationship is okay. If I don't text her for maybe more than 4 hours at a time, she asks me if something's wrong. wrong, she does it because shes insecure and controlling. unless you have done something to compromise her trust in you, this is her issue, not yours. I've never done anything to make her lose trust in me. I've pretty much been there for her every time she has needed me to be. Link to comment
sosilver Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 She does try to control me in other ways, but I don't let her. She's a very manipulative person. If she wants something bad, she will try to find a way to get it. She ALWAYS tries to make me feel guilty and make me out to be the bad guy. It's quite annoying, and I don't even know if she realizes she does it half the time. She is very insecure. She needs constant reassurance that I'm okay and that the relationship is okay. If I don't text her for maybe more than 4 hours at a time, she asks me if something's wrong. I've never done anything to make her lose trust in me. I've pretty much been there for her every time she has needed me to be. This is what is spoiling her. Anytime she needs you, you are there. She needs to be more independent of you and get into doing her own thing. What about her own friends? She cant blame you and get mad because you are going out and she is home. Have you asked her to come out with you? You have to talk to her... Link to comment
BoddenProBowler06 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 This is what is spoiling her. Anytime she needs you, you are there. She needs to be more independent of you and get into doing her own thing. What about her own friends? She cant blame you and get mad because you are going out and she is home. Have you asked her to come out with you? She really doesn't have many friends. Just a lot of acquaintances. Most of the time she makes plans with them and they end up cancelling on her, so of course we just end up hanging out together. I've asked her to come out with my friends before and she just doesn't seem very interested. She also insults them quite a bit. I remember I asked her if she wanted to come once and she replied: "Why? So we can sit around and watch your friends smoke pot and drink?" It really pissed me off. Link to comment
velvette Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I'm in the same boat as your girlfriend. used to be anyway. so people do change. but she has to want to change herself! it was after reading up a lot of relationship guides and stuff on the net, where I realized what I was actually doing. I didn't MEAN to be controlling, though it came off that way. my boyfriend would stay out to play games, I'd ask him to call me if he's staying out past 12, then he'd forget and come home at 5 am. which made ME have to stay up and wait till 5, because I didn't have closure and his cell didn't work. you must be prompt and reliable. if you tell her you're gonna be gone from this to this time, then you must be reliable! or at least call her to let her know you'll take longer than you think. it's just common courtesy. another reason I resented my boyfriend's outings was because he never took me out on dates due to being 'busy'/'not in the mood'. but he always had time to play with his friends? and also, he actually told me I was the most important person in his life/his life revolved around my happiness/etc cheesy stuff, and when his actions didn't match his words it made me see him as unreliable. I dunno what you've told her, but just make her happy, (ok, you've been out with your friends once in 2 months, but how many times have you taken her out? not just dinner/movies/normal stuff, but actually fun stuff?) and she shouldn't have a reason to complain. talk to her. ask her what her side of the story is. I'm sure she's not crazy or controlling on purpose. Link to comment
steelcitymstro Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 She does try to control me in other ways, but I don't let her. She's a very manipulative person. If she wants something bad, she will try to find a way to get it. She ALWAYS tries to make me feel guilty and make me out to be the bad guy. It's quite annoying, and I don't even know if she realizes she does it half the time. . I don't know what else to tell you....this alone would be enough for me to say that it's not the kind of person I'd want to be with. Like I've said, you think she's manipulative NOW? What makes you think she'll try to control you less as time goes on? Link to comment
velvette Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 ^maturity and growing confidence in the relationship? I know I've really matured in these past few months, or at least have a better thought process now in regards to relationships. not without effort, though definitely not impossible. Link to comment
steelcitymstro Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 velvette, I don't mean to imply that people can't change because they certainly can, but it's as you said in your first post, she has to want to change herself. The OP has said they've tried to work this problem time and again and she doesn't last longer than a week without jumping down his throat. A lot of people like the feeling of controlling someone else (whether intentionally or unintentionally) and from the information that the OP has posted, I would guess that the g/f likes controlling him more than she likes her relationship. I definitely see where you're coming from--I'm just not sure if I agree that your situation was similar enough to the OP's to draw a connection. You show a willingness for self-improvement, while the OP's girlfriend does not IMHO. Link to comment
Goldilocks Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 oh wow thats extreme! You clearly need to have a talk about boundaries and her control issues. You dont start an argument with your significant other for spending some time with friends, esp if its not that often. Link to comment
velvette Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I was not willing to self-improve because I didn't blame myself. it was only after googling stuff, not as a means to improve myself, but to fix the problems in our relationship (which I blamed on my bf at the time!) when I came accross this site/al turtle's guide/etc. if one feels blamed, which his gf will definitely feel, they try to deflect the blame on anyone but themselves. I think it's eerily parallel, especially this: She ALWAYS tries to make me feel guilty and make me out to be the bad guy. It's quite annoying, and I don't even know if she realizes she does it half the time. oh man, guilty as charged! the thing is, I thought I was justified, and I believed that my bf WAS the bad guy. it's really difficult to see things any other way, since all I have is my perspective and all he had was his! in my case, I was the person who changed first, but my boyfriend just as easily could have changed. like al turtle said, it takes two to break a relationship, but you only need one to lead it into greatness! it was only after I started taking responsibility for the relationship troubles, whether or not I believed it was my fault, when things started getting better. my bf could've done the same, really. it doesn't matter who starts, because nobody is ever clearly right/wrong. both parties need changing, it's just a question of who. and if OP changes and his gf still doesn't, at least he's become a more mature person out of it all, and his future gfs would really appreciate that! OP can start by being more reliable (going back when he says he would, or calling to notify her *ahead of time* that he'd be late), make her happier (take her out to museums/parks/musicals whatever, and surprise her with random gifts) to reassure her, etc! there's so much anyone can do in any relationship to make it better. even if the consensus is that she needs changing, he can still change. like, my bf never took me out on dates/wasn't punctual with returning home so I felt I was justified in being mad whenever he went out with friends (time he could be spending on me, I was thinking)/staying late at school. but if I blamed him and expected change from him, this relationship would be doomed. it worked out because I took charge, stopped asking him for dates/didn't get mad when he wasn't punctual, so then he started being nicer to me/letting me know better estimates of when he'd be home by. he could also have also fixed things by being nicer to me/letting me know when he'd be home, but I can only control my own actions, not his. just as OP can only control his actions, not his gf's. to make her change, he has to change. really depends on how badly he wants this relationship to work though! Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 She obviously is very insecure. Have you done anything to make her feel that way? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Right now, you are in the mindset that this is driving you crazy, but that you love her. To be honest, you'll let her go when you are absolutely fed up. Given that you have tried to talk to her about this, I think the best thing that you could do for her is to break up with her and indicate that months of this with no improvement drove the love away. I don't think I would have learned what I learned without having someone walk away from my own past needy/insecure behavior. I frankly don't think she really takes you seriously. She doesn't realize, yet, that there is a consequence to such control. She does not know that you are not a pushover ... that you won't take this forever. Link to comment
sosilver Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 For my relationship, time apart helped alot, thats is if you dont want to break up. Of course being the way I was back then (like your gf), I was acting like its the worst thing that could happen. He did spoil me in the beginning of the relationship and I was taking things for granted. I didnt expect him to come back and I realised my faults. I was forced to make changes in my thinking and I guess that is what it took for me to grow up. And when he came back, I was mature and independent of him. So the positive is that people can change! I am not sure how your gf will react to this suggestion...Velvette has some great insight. There are things both partners need to work on. It really does depend on how much you want this to work. Link to comment
KrisAnn Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I don't think it's controlling to ask a significant other to text or whatever if they're gonna go out, and I ESPECIALLY don't think it's controlling to ask them to call when they're leaving. To me, that's just being polite to the other half. I personally feel much better knowing my fiance is safe - and when I ask him to call when he's leaving, it's so I know when to expect him (in case something were to happen on the way home). However, I DO think it is controlling to continuously call/text the ENTIRE TIME he's out. That's just plain obnoxious, and rude. This chick sounds unbearably insecure, and that is completely her problem, not yours. If you've talked to her about how you feel and she still continues to act that way, I say it's time to end the relationship. I'm never one to say "dump them" right off the bat, but you can talk only so much before you realize that none of your words are getting through. Link to comment
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