I feel so stupid doing this! NC

[Dante09]

I want her in my world, how can this be irreconcialable? I haven't replied to her last text from two weeks ago, she hasn't tried to contact me since. All I want is to just talk with her - not neccessarily about the breakup - just as two people, should I call her tonight?

[CallingAllAngels]

If you want her back, yes. Otherwise, how will she know?

[dhjjessel]

if nothing can have changed since you broke up, then either it was an argument that got too far, or you have to expect that it will happen again if you make it easy for her to do that to you

[IMAbadman]

I can't agree that you should be contacting her. Nor do I agree with the logic, "If you want her back, yes. Otherwise, how will she know?"

 

You two already spoke, you met up, you confessed your love and desires. She wanted space and time. She suggested that maybe she should be alone. She offered you friendship. (Gulp!)

 

I think pushing for contact will drive her farther away, maybe sensed as desperation. Don't even get me started on the "let's be friends" BS as this shouldn’t even be an option if you want a relationship with her.

 

In my opinion she should be contacting you. If her contact is just friendly BS, ignore it or respond back sporadically to it. Should she want to meet this you should take up readily.

 

I guess it all comes down to what you what. If it’s a relationship… well then you can’t start playing the friendship card.

[Brownstone322]

You two already spoke, you met up, you confessed your love and desires. She wanted space and time. She suggested that maybe she should be alone. She offered you friendship. (Gulp!)

Did all that actually happen? Was that in another thread?

 

If so, then, yeah, they definitely need time apart. As far as who eventually contacts who, I don't think that's nearly the big deal people make it out to be, as long as there's been a sufficient period of separation for contemplation and clearing of heads.

[IMAbadman]

Did all that actually happen? Was that in another thread?

 

If so, then, yeah, they definitely need time apart. As far as who eventually contacts who, I don't think that's nearly the big deal people make it out to be, as long as there's been a sufficient period of separation for contemplation and clearing of heads.

 

Yes, I read it in another one of his threads.

 

 

[eidetz]

Dante, don't call her. I was - and still am - in the exact same situation and I really feel your pain. It gets better as time goes by, but you need to be strong right now. It's just so hard for us because we got so used to having the ex around us and somebody to talk to at any time. Please listen to the advice everybody else gives you here. I sure wish I would've done a better job with that. I caved a few times and tried to contact my ex every two weeks or so after we split (- I had a very hard time because I also ran into her at bars once two weeks after the break-up and then again 4 weeks after the break-up... and everytime my heart just dropped to the floor and I just wanted to hug her and never let go). I always texted her after I had run into her and told her how much I still missed her. She now doesn't talk to me anymore at all and I wish I would've gone NC right after the split... Please really listen to everybody's advice here as many people have gone through similar situations and have learned a great deal from their experiences. I would definitely do things differently now that I learned the hard way. I didn't think my texts were clingy or needy, but she did and now I can't believe she won't talk to me at all. It hurts that much more. Be strong and please don't give her any power over you by contacting her. - Even if it's just to talk about things unrelated to the break-up...

[Brownstone322]

Yes, I read it in another one of his threads.

 

]

Oh, I see.

 

That breakup hardly looks fatal, not based on the information there, but it does call for the standard period of separation and reflection.

 

Give her time and space, give her time to feel the void of your absence, blah blah blah. You can contact her eventually (she doesn't have to contact you), but definitely not yet.

[Dante09]

Still NC, toughing it out. I thought of her pretty face this weekend. She's off on holiday to portugal in two weeks and her ex bf out there keeps telling her how he can't wait. Still, stay away, no calls/txts anything?

[rebelfac]

Hello everyone!

 

I am sure Dante appreciates the correct wisdom and logic for his situation and I am sure it's correct in most similar situations. It seems like my situation would be an exception. My wife left me 6 months ago and moved her and my daughter in with another guy. I go back and add up all of my mistakes including showing very little affection and I can clearly see why she is choosing him over me. The one thing she would definitely miss is our communication. It's no where near enough though to want me back compared to what she is getting from him. It seems that he learned from his recent previous marriage and I learned tremendously as well. If she was able to experience the new me (and I really have changed considerably) and I fullfilled all of the voids/needs that I wasn't providing , I think she would choose me down the road. She was the perfect wife BTW, I so took her for granted and don't blame her for leaving ( not the cheating part). We are still communicating and it's not just because of our daughter. She definitely craves instant messaging me from work.

 

Being in NC won't at all be close to ever getting her to change her mind or miss me enough. It seems in my situation that the only way I have a chance is to stay in contact ( not just to only talk about our daughter) but perhaps make it more limited. Am I still seeing this incorrectly? Others might be thinking the same thing and that is how will the ex ever know how much better the dumpee became if it remains NC?

[Dante09]

This is what I am struggling with right now, rebelfac. I know I sound confused, but it feels like instincts and emotions are often conflicting.

 

The wisdom often expressed is to do the opposite of what you feel you want to do.

 

What do others think?

[IMAbadman]

You know rebelfac everyone feels their situation is the exception to the norm. I read about it every time I’m on this site. Yes, every person is unique and break-ups differ but the actions and subsequent fallout generally follow the same path.

 

Let’s look at this from a third party perspective;

 

Sure your EX loves the instant messaging. Builds up her ego knowing you’re out there as her back-up man should the relationship with the guy she’s sleeping with now go sour. Helps to relieve her guilt for dumping you, destroying your family, taking your daughter away from you, AND not to mention all the times she has been cheating on you. She realizes that as long as these crumbs are tossed to you daily you won’t be out there looking for another special person in your life. Someone that will actually love you like you wish to be loved. Tad self-centered wouldn’t you say?

 

So let me ask you rebelfac, what do you get out of this? You get to secretly exchange love messages? Are you guys going on dates? Having any sex? Are you spending any quality time together? Is there anything tangible what so ever that makes you or this pseudo relationship feel real? Ultimately, isn’t this all the same BS that she was doing with someone else just before she dumped you and walked out with your child? Old habits are hard to change my friend.

 

Your EX still sees you when you pick up your daughter. I can assure you that you won’t convince her that you made these change by telling her you did so. Nor will she see these changes in text messages. She has to make a concise decision that she WANTS to be with you and WANTS to work on the relationship. She made a different choice.

 

Right now you are the father of her child, her 2nd choice (back-up plan), and worst yet trying to be her FRIEND. I say worst because being her friend is more than likely not going to rebuild your relationship. You are encouraging and giving acceptance to her current and previous actions that secrete affairs and cheating are acceptable behaviors.

 

I feel for you. Believe me I do. Though you may find my words harsh I hope you find the reality in your situation. It’s very hard to think and make logical decisions when one is so emotionally involved. I urge you to step back and look at your situation clearly and objectively. Then ask yourself what is it that you want and what is it that you deserve?

[melanie6929]

I know it's hard, but she isn't responding for a reason. If she wanted to talk to you she would have. She may just need this time to get back on track, doesn't mean she is gonna never talk to you again. Let her come to you. Make her miss you, if you talk to her, she's not gonna get the chance to miss you and it will make it easier for HER to move on, if you are making the effort to contact her.

 

I'm going through the same thing, just hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and NC is the best way to go about things, it could really help in the long run, if you let it.

[Dante09]

I know it's hard, but she isn't responding for a reason. If she wanted to talk to you she would have. She may just need this time to get back on track, doesn't mean she is gonna never talk to you again. Let her come to you. Make her miss you, if you talk to her, she's not gonna get the chance to miss you and it will make it easier for HER to move on, if you are making the effort to contact her.

 

I'm going through the same thing, just hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and NC is the best way to go about things, it could really help in the long run, if you let it.

 

This is really true, whether I like it or not. It is a month today since we split on the phone (I know!), and nearly a month since we last spoke via text. Have thought today about all the times we laughed and shared our times and affection, wishing I could just arrange an evening's stroll in the spring air with her. Shouldn't even go there, I guess. Why did this have to happen when I needed more support than normal. It was temporary until I found my feet again within the economy. I wish we could just talk. I felt I've been rude as I didn't explain my need for some NC, I just never replied to her last msg. SHe must have thought 'how rude'. Can her feelings for me and memories of us just have vanished? How do I go about reconciling?

[sunnyv]

hi dante

 

i am doing the same thing. we broke up 5 months ago but we started talking again about a month ago. we even hung out twice. what i do is do lc. sometimes i text, sometimes i don't. i think this works better. the only thing that sucks is that you have to be strong during it and realize that this puts you in the friend zone and you have to be willing to accept that. for me its better to be her friend than to have nothing. its your call, its your life. nc isn't for everybody and not for every situation. i recommend lc but thats just me

[Raoul]

NC is definitely counterintuitive. But it has advantages for both sides. The one who left cannot make real comparisons to a former partner without some time, space and reflection. The one left needs time to reflect too and to work, on themselves - emotionally, mentally, physically and perhaps spiritually.

 

My wife left in the Fall of '08 after I discovered an affair that she would not end. She was trying to have the illusion of a family and her new guy. I could not do that. So the divorce began and is ongoing. I do not want this but cannot (will not?) have this as I see it as corrosive and unrealistic to everyone (especially our three children). It has been awful on every level.

 

But this doesn't mean that I won't attempt to create pleasant moments between us when we must discuss the children or the messy legal process. It did take time for me to get to this perspective because I was (and remain) so distraught about the affair, the breakup and its continuing effects as well as because her interactions with me have been so dysfunctional (she yells, acts out and has been generally crazy). The best I can do is to give her room to respond as an adult when we must interact. There is a lot of "fake it 'til you make it" from me, but I am trying.

 

Each interaction is fraught with risk and she often goes off. But I create the opportunity for her to see that we can interact as adults facing a crisis. I do this by limiting my contact with her to family and matters only and being friendly as these come up. If anything else is to be discussed, I rely on her to initiate it.

 

That may never happen. Reconciliation may be impossible so far as she is concered. And with all that's happened, maybe it would fail. I would try, but only if she wanted to try. Each time I've tried, the effort dissolves into a mess.

 

So NC helps us both I think. Maybe not to reconcile but (perhaps) to get to a place where she's safe to integrate who she is now enough to be a good Mom for our kids.

 

So give her space. She cannot gain perspective if you're always there. Use the time you were investing in her to build yourself. You both need this.

 

Good luck,

Raoul

[Dante09]

I'm crushed. Notice some new photos of her and her new boy. I deleted her from fb to no avail. He's younger than her so I suppose she's got someone she can push about now.

 

It hurts to see her looking good. It hurts to see her happy. It hurts to see him drapped over her.

 

She didn't remember to say hi for my birthday.

 

Not that I expected her to.

 

These last few weeks have been so tough being unemployed and getting rejection from so many places. I want to congratulate her on a good job. I hate that I ever gave my love away to her.

 

I feel like I just died inside.

 

I kinda want to die.

[AmandaB]

I posted this on the other thread as well concerning this issue.

 

Don't do anything drastic. I know it hurts, my fiance left me after 6 years of a relationship and 8 as friends saying he doesnt love me anymore and that was only 2 weeks ago. Im still in a lot of pain. I dont even know if he cheated on me but some cozy pics of him and some chick showed up. FYI, he just got back from spending 3 years in law school 2,000 miles away. I sat here being faithfull and supportive to him while he had some stupid chick sitting on his lap. Bitter? yes probably.

 

I would just sit back right now and believe in faith. I know thats hard to do, im not a very spiritual person myself. Just live your life. Everything happens for a reason. And on the job thing, I just spent the last year temping and never knowing how long a job would last. I was making very little money. The only thing I could do was keep trying and hope that someone would hire me on. Well about a month ago I did get hired on at a fantastic company. the other places I worked were nothing in comparison. It just goes to show that everything happens for a reason, although you might not see it right away. I sure not seeing it now with this recent breakup. I have no idea why this happened but sooner or later I wll find out. Sounds painfull waiting, yes. Try to keep as busy as you can. I know its hard to get out of bed but its better than laying around wondering about everything.

[Raoul]

Amanda's right. Its very hard for a while. But hang in there and don't adopt permanent solutions to temporary issues in the bargain. It does get better, if slowly at first. You will feel stalled, lost, hurt and generally bummed out all at once and all the time. With that much going on, you get numb. I think that's why you feel like your insides died. I certainly felt that way. I was 24 years married, 3 kids 'the full catastrophe' as "The Fiddler on the Roof" said.

 

After a while (its different for each of us), you'll begin to feel the stirring of the rest of your life beginning. You need to go through some Hell to get there. Tell yourself it'll be worth it, because it will.

 

Don't let your thoughts take you. Let them hang in the air like clouds. But remember that you're the sky.

 

Peace & strength,

Raoul