And he did it again...

[monkeybane]

I've posted once before about this very same situation. My husband has been spending long hours on the computer playing WOW (world of warcraft) on a nightly basis. He has once again bought pot, and tried to lie to me when I confronted him about it. At first he blatantly told me no, that he didn't have any. Then he tried to tell me that his contact GAVE him some. I looked up our account and he had made an $80 withdrawal from our account yesterday that he didn't tell me about. So when I asked him why he withdrew the money he tells me that he just wants to have cash on him. I asked to see his bag and his wallet, and sure enough! There's no money in his wallet and a bag that's worth, oh, about eighty bucks. He hasn't been helping around the house again, or with the kids. I had to take our oldest into the walk in yesterday morning and he was aggravated because he had to come home.

 

We just had this happen not even two months ago. I am finally starting to feel better after medicinal adjustments and LOTS of sleep, thank goodness! We were finally starting to get along great, just within this past week, and now we're back to square one. ](*,) And then he tells me that he just wanted to "hide it" from me. How are you supposed to trust someone that does that?

 

I knew deep down inside that this was going to happen. That the moment I gave in and was starting to act like my old self, that when he thought everything would be ok, he would go right back to acting like a teenager. I am so sick an tired of fighting with him just to get him to help out. He won't even take out the trash on his own, pick up after himself, or after the kids. He just tells me that it's not his mess. Ya, four kids are not his mess!

 

This time I don't think I want to try to work it out. This has happened too many times now and each time it's a little bit worse. Thankfully, this time I don't feel uber stressed about it. My increase in sleep and exercise has really helped with that, I think!

 

I also wan to mention that he's been more aggravated and aggressive lately, too. There was one point last week that I actually though he was going to do something to me, and it was over me * * * * * ing at him about helping with the kids and not being so mean to them. He is still seeing his doctor, but not being very consistent on his medication.

 

Anyhow, sorry again about the long post. I'm just wondering that, if I leave, that will be the right thing to do, right? Grrrr - I'm just ready to get on with my life! ](*,)

[steelcitymstro]

I'm just wondering that, if I leave, that will be the right thing to do, right? Grrrr - I'm just ready to get on with my life! ](*,)

 

When people ask questions like this, they're looking for validation for what they already know you're going to do. So if you are going to leave him, then yes, it's the right thing to do because you have good reasons for wanting to leave. If that's not the case, then you need to take an additional step if you want to keep your marriage together, such as counseling, planned time away from each other, etc.

[lostandhurt]

Divorce is a very big step. If you think you want to start a divorce to snap him out of this and take things seriously, I wouldn't. Your children should have a father and you should have a loving considerate husband. It sounds like he is neither. He is being very selfish and basically just wants the trappings of marriage while he does as he wishes.

 

Teaching him how to be a man is not your job. Trying to save your marriage IS for now though. A marriage counselor may be able to get through to him and get him to understand just how selfish he is being. Your husband has chosen to behave this way and even justifies it. If it wasn't "W.O.W." it would be something else.

If you try couples therapy and it doesn't help then you can end your marriage with no regrets and be able to help your children make their way through what will be a very terrible time in their lives.

 

I wish you the very best

 

Lost

[monkeybane]

Steele - You are completely right. There's just so much holding me back from doing it right now - our children, he carries my health insurance and I've been very sick for quite some time - we own a business together, I am 1000's of miles away from any of my family and most of my friends. I really feel that if I make that decision, that everything and everyone will be against me and that I will have no support. And now that I've said it, it doesn't sound terrible. He is refusing to let it happen, though, even though he's got to be aware that our relationship is in dire trouble. Thanks for your opinion.

[monkeybane]

And thank you too, lost&hurt. We have actually already been through marriage counseling, which didn't work. We both now have our own psychiatrists, which mine has helped me in a tremendous way.

 

You are right - divorce is a huge step, and an expensive one. I don't want to hurt the kids, but they're no better off in a household like this one anyways. I know I also shouldn't worry about what his family is going to think if I decide on divorce. He is refusing to stay somewhere else right now, so I'm going to be staying at a friends after he gets home from work. I'm trusting him to take care of our children like they need to be taken care of.

 

Maybe me staying somewhere else will snap him out of it, but it hasn't worked thus far.

[IMAbadman]

Before you write the guy off have you considered counseling? This sounds like the classic Walk Out Wife scenario. You feel he’s not listening to, he’s not taking what your saying serious, you’re now at a point were you’ve given up and looking to exit.

 

Please… try counseling first. What can it hurt?

[steelcitymstro]

And thank you too, lost&hurt. We have actually already been through marriage counseling, which didn't work. We both now have our own psychiatrists, which mine has helped me in a tremendous way.

 

You are right - divorce is a huge step, and an expensive one. I don't want to hurt the kids, but they're no better off in a household like this one anyways. I know I also shouldn't worry about what his family is going to think if I decide on divorce. He is refusing to stay somewhere else right now, so I'm going to be staying at a friends after he gets home from work. I'm trusting him to take care of our children like they need to be taken care of.

 

Maybe me staying somewhere else will snap him out of it, but it hasn't worked thus far.

 

I think this post shows that you've thought this through....Your point about the kids being no better off in a "household like this" is very well taken. To me, it sounds like you *know* you want out, but feel stuck. Your family and friends are very far away and on a very basic level, you need him to provide things that you cannot provide on your own (like the health care issue, watching the kids when you can't, etc). This, along with his refusal to move out, and along with his attitude that he should be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants to do it all leads me to believe that he's a control freak and likes having you under his thumb. However, as intimidating as it is to go it alone, I don't know if these are good enough reasons to stay with him.

 

I would start rallying support from your family and friends--just because they are far away doesn't mean that they won't be there for you when you need them. They may be able and willing to help you in ways that you haven't considered--you very well may have a family member or a friend who will put up you and your kids, or loan money (which can sometimes get sticky, but you have to do what you have to do), or who knows what else. Basically, you have to set up a support system so that, if/when you leave, you're never truly alone in the decisions you have to make.

 

Easier said than done, but I would try to let yourself be empowered in the thought that you're doing a good thing for yourself and your kids rather than being intimidated that you can't do it (not that any of this is a "good thing" for your kids, but you have a very good case for the fact that the kids need a better environment than what they currently have).

[lavenderdove]

This is not a walk away wife situation if he is refusing to act like a parent/husband, playing games and buying drugs. He is the problem, not her.

 

Since you have already tried counseling and he refuses to change or take his meds or take responsbility for being a parent, it makes perfect sense that at some point you can/should say to yourself enough is enough. I'd start talking to your own counselor about whether it is right for you to consider divorce. It might be time.

[IMAbadman]

I'm not condeming anyone, him or her. I hate to see people divorce.

 

I just think every possibility should be tried first and then, if all else fails, approach divorce.

[monkeybane]

I agree - I don't think divorce is the answer, either. And this isn't about me just walking out because I'm pissed that he won't take out the trash. Yes, I've tried talking to him numerous times, and we have tried marriage counseling. There's a lot more to this story that I spoke about in my other post. I'll find the link and post it here.

[IMAbadman]

Well hun you did and are doing the right things then. Maybe it is time to take it to the next step. I feel for you. It's a shame that this guy just doesn't understand what he's about to lose.

 

You've heard that expression, can't see the forest for the trees? This is like he, can't see the family for the pot smoke.

 

Hope he really enjoyed that video game and that blunt.

[monkeybane]

LOL - I hope so, too. And it's not just the pot - honestly, if he could balance his responsibilities with his personal life, I wouldn't really care. Here is the link to the last (and my first) post that I put on this website. If interested, it explains a little more of my sitch.

 

 

 

Thanks guys.

](*,)

[monkeybane]

Maybe I should add that, after reading some of the other posts, our sex life is not suffering. I suppose if we have anything left for each other, we do still have passion (usually when I provoke it, but he's not far behind). But I feel that, beyond that, our relationship has not grown and matured in the five years that we've been together, and neither has he. A different part of my frustration.

[lostandhurt]

Well I think you basically have very few options left. Perhaps a legal seperation would be a good start. Men can be very dense at times so it may take a something like this to get him to grow a pair and man up. You sound more like his mom than his wife anyways. The drugs around kids is unacceptable in my opinion. Be careful about leaving the family home because in some states it is considered abondoment. It really sounds like he should be the one to leave. All he needs is a internet connection and a lighter for his life as it is now.

Plan it out well and get your family involved. They can be more help than you could ever imagine.

 

Lost

[chigal28]

Steele - You are completely right. There's just so much holding me back from doing it right now - our children, he carries my health insurance and I've been very sick for quite some time - we own a business together, I am 1000's of miles away from any of my family and most of my friends. I really feel that if I make that decision, that everything and everyone will be against me and that I will have no support. And now that I've said it, it doesn't sound terrible. He is refusing to let it happen, though, even though he's got to be aware that our relationship is in dire trouble. Thanks for your opinion.

 

He might not be aware how dire it is from your point of view. My two cents--lay it out for him. Tell him that if things continue as they are, you will not be able to stay in the relationship. Then if he doesn't make an honest effort to improve, he knows the consequences.

[monkeybane]

Thanks chigal - I have laid it out plain and simple for him - more than once now. His response is always "I understand". I really don't think that he does, and that is in part my fault for not having the follow through.

[chigal28]

MB, you're right--it's one thing for him to say "I understand," and another to actually GET what it means for the other person and do what needs to be done.

 

However, for you, follow-through in this case certainly can't be easy. It's not like saying "I really AM going to go to the gym today." You're talking about a relationship that you've invested in and built over time. When he makes a small effort, it must feel like there's hope--like things can and will change...and by the time things fall back into their old patterns, you're frustrated and tired.

 

Perhaps you could suggest a trial separation...and if that doesn't have any effect on him, then you might have your answer...though not one you want. I'm so sorry.

[spinstermanquee]

My first husband used to smoke up and then gobble ice cream until he barfed. He was a circuit court judge - lest anyone think there are class issue involved

 

We went to counseling and basically, the upshot of it all was, if he smoked when I married him then I had no expectation of him stopping afterward.

 

Aye. My bad. I thought if someone valued family like he did then they would adjust their behavior to accommodate family and family values. What a dummy I was!

 

Well anyhow long story short 20 years later he still has issues, and got unseated and disbarred for smoking either meth or crack, who knows.

 

Substance abuse issues continue with or without you.

 

Good luck in finding the right answer for you and your family...