purpleduckie Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I've been thinking about relationships and wondering if I want one for myself. After some thinking, I realize it's not that I don't want a relationship, but I don't want a relationship with just ANY guy, or an 'ok' guy. It would have to be with a seriously amazing guy. I've been covertly looking but no such luck yet. I like romance and I like liking guys, I like to flirt with them, go on dates and basically have fun. There is one guy that i find seriously irresistible. Unfortunately, I don't think I like him for more than his looks. I very much doubt he'd be compatible with me in the long terms, but if he asked me out, it would be hard to say no. He's seriously the hottest guy I've ever laid eyes on. His smile makes me melttttttttt. Soo, this brings me to my question... Is it okay to date someone/start to date someone knowing that you do not want a serious relationship with them? obviously you wouldn't trick or deceive them in anyway. But how would you tell them -if you do at all? do you OWE it to them to explain yourself if the exclusivity subject never come up? do you then wait for them to bring up exclusivity issue and THEN explain that you do not find them compatible for a long term serious relationship (but too hot to pass up...)? OR do you tell this to them on the first few dates? how WOULD you tell them? Is it okay just to tell them a line, like too busy for a relationship? P.S. Would it upset you/how would you react if your date tells you this? Link to comment
melrich Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Is it okay to date someone/start to date someone knowing that you do not want a serious relationship with them? I think it is. I mean until you have been with someone for a month or two how can you possibly know if you want it to be serious? Flings, short term relationships, couple of dates, longer term relationships...they're all the things we go through before we find "the one". Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I think it is. I mean until you have been with someone for a month or two how can you possibly know if you want it to be serious? Flings, short term relationships, couple of dates, longer term relationships...they're all the things we go through before we find "the one". I know, because I'm generally very intuitive about people and I know if someone and I click or not. Not saying that I'd be completely closed off to the idea. BUT I pretty much know that I'm not into him that way. Am I then responsible, as a decent human being, to disclose this information by the first few dates? Link to comment
melrich Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Am I then responsible, as a decent human being, to disclose this information by the first few dates? I don't think so. I mean that is what dating is all about. The goal doesn't have to be marriage...it can just be some short term fun. Link to comment
Blanco Nino Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Are you asking if you should just eff the hot guy? Link to comment
lady00 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I think dating someone you know you do not want to be in a serious relationship with is different from dating someone you're not sure you want to be in a serious relationship with because you don't know them well enough yet. Neither is wrong or bad, but they are distinct questions. So, I actually think what the OP is talking about and what Melrich is talking about are two different things. I think on the first issue--to each his own. You have no obligation to inform someone that you do not want to be in a serious relationship with them unless they ask directly. I personally do not continue dating someone once I realize I don't want a serious relationship with them, but that's just me. It's not something that interests me (dating just for fun if I don't see it going further) but I think everyone should do what makes them happy. Also, although there is no obligation to inform the other person, I try to put myself in their shoes and I realize that despite the fact that this is all par for the course and totally fair game in dating, I would not love to be the person on the other end of it, especially if I began to develop feelings if the other person knew from day 1 that they did not see things going anywhere with me. Link to comment
servedcold Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 If there's some possible room for something to grow, sure nothing wrong with it, but if you have entirely foreclosed the chance of a relationship with someone, unless they are expressly on the same page, you shouldn't waste their precious time. Link to comment
Yanet Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Chances are he'll want to sleep with you too, if you're attractive enough for his standards. You don't go into a relationship with the intent of something serious and lasting, you should have the mindset that it'll be fun and see where it goes. If he's not really serious about you then you'll probably get a FWB situation out of it, if he is he might ask you two to do more relationship based stuff - like cooking dinner together. He might even ask where you think the relationship is heading! But I doubt it, guys tend not to initiate the conversations about the emotional side of the relationship. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 it's fine to date someone knowing you do not want a serious relationship with them, as long as you are honest about it. you're not really obligated to tell them you don't want anything serious unless they ask, but i think it would be considerate to mention early on that you're not looking for anything serious, so they don't start wondering 'where is this going?" and start hoping it will become something serious. Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 If there's some possible room for something to grow, sure nothing wrong with it, but if you have entirely foreclosed the chance of a relationship with someone, unless they are expressly on the same page, you shouldn't waste their precious time. but how would i know if they're on the same page? is it too blunt to ask straight up? Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Chances are he'll want to sleep with you too, if you're attractive enough for his standards. You don't go into a relationship with the intent of something serious and lasting, you should have the mindset that it'll be fun and see where it goes. If he's not really serious about you then you'll probably get a FWB situation out of it, if he is he might ask you two to do more relationship based stuff - like cooking dinner together. He might even ask where you think the relationship is heading! But I doubt it, guys tend not to initiate the conversations about the emotional side of the relationship. i actually would like an FWB but i don't like how most of them end up being really disrespectful. i'm fine with casual sex, but i'm concerned about the person i do it with disrespecting me. i just like hanging out with guys i like. i don't want anything to come of it because none of them are really LTR material. all my ex's have been the "okay, i really like him... but he's not LTR material... but oh well" then i get bored of them + feel like a jerk. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I dont go on a date looking for a relationship, first I want to see if I can relate to the person and I want to find some things about them, so I get a sense of them as a person. I like to make it clear that I am just looking for something casual and I am not looking to get into anything serious. Some people will get offended by that but others will understand. Be clear with what your intentions are up front and it will make dating much easier. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I dont go on a date looking for a relationship, first I want to see if I can relate to the person and I want to find some things about them, so I get a sense of them as a person. I like to make it clear that I am just looking for something casual and I am not looking to get into anything serious. Some people will get offended by that but others will understand. Be clear with what your intentions are up front and it will make dating much easier. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 If I knew I wanted nothing serious with the person (and it wasn't a situation of being on vacation where it's probably assumed that it's not serious) I would tell him only if he told me that his general goal was to find a serious relationship or if he made comments about seeing potential with me. Otherwise I wouldn't feel an obligation -- I might hint or say that I was not looking for anything serious (why bring up the "with you?" that's unnecessarily hurtful) depending on what he said and the context. On the other side of things, I always assumed that a man who asked me out on a date was not looking for anything serious with me until he told me otherwise or until I brought up the subject. I expected a truthful answer if I brought it up (which I almost never had to do). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 If I knew I wanted nothing serious with the person (and it wasn't a situation of being on vacation where it's probably assumed that it's not serious) I would tell him only if he told me that his general goal was to find a serious relationship or if he made comments about seeing potential with me. Otherwise I wouldn't feel an obligation -- I might hint or say that I was not looking for anything serious (why bring up the "with you?" that's unnecessarily hurtful) depending on what he said and the context. On the other side of things, I always assumed that a man who asked me out on a date was not looking for anything serious with me until he told me otherwise or until I brought up the subject. I expected a truthful answer if I brought it up (which I almost never had to do). Link to comment
Growl1971 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 What are you looking for exactly? It's perfectly alright to have a short term fling, if you're upfront about it. That way everyone knows that this isn't going to be a long term deal...that's fine. But what concerns me is WHY would you go into a relationship with such low expectations? You say you want something in particular...can we ask what that is? Look, I know you, probably like most people, have this image of the 'perfect guy/girl' in your head...let help you out...no one is perfect...and neither are YOU. True love doesn't happen by bumping into someone on the street, and saying...'wow, you're my soulmate, the one i've been looking for!'... it's a nice hollywood movie, but far from reality. This guy you're so into physically...that's great that he's got 'that' part down for you. But what about just taking it slow to get to know each other, that means NO sex, and see if you are compatible. You might find that you are, you also might find that you're so incompatible that his looks don't matter and you don't want to sleep with him even for a short term thing! So, yes, if you just want to screw him...go for it, but don't play with his head...THAT would be cruel. If you're upfront about it, it's only between you and the person in the mirror you have to live with. Link to comment
Growl1971 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 What are you looking for exactly? It's perfectly alright to have a short term fling, if you're upfront about it. That way everyone knows that this isn't going to be a long term deal...that's fine. But what concerns me is WHY would you go into a relationship with such low expectations? You say you want something in particular...can we ask what that is? Look, I know you, probably like most people, have this image of the 'perfect guy/girl' in your head...let help you out...no one is perfect...and neither are YOU. True love doesn't happen by bumping into someone on the street, and saying...'wow, you're my soulmate, the one i've been looking for!'... it's a nice hollywood movie, but far from reality. This guy you're so into physically...that's great that he's got 'that' part down for you. But what about just taking it slow to get to know each other, that means NO sex, and see if you are compatible. You might find that you are, you also might find that you're so incompatible that his looks don't matter and you don't want to sleep with him even for a short term thing! So, yes, if you just want to screw him...go for it, but don't play with his head...THAT would be cruel. If you're upfront about it, it's only between you and the person in the mirror you have to live with. Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 ... i don't know what im' looking for, but (i know this is very holywood cliche) i will know when i meet him. it's not that 'he's not perfect'. the guy i'm talking about *IS* perfect. too good for me, perfect. as perfect as he is, he's not for me. there's an element missing. i can't explain it. i just can't see myself with him. i just know that he's not it. i'm not going into relationships with low expectations. these aren't relationships. they're just for fun. low because i don't like break ups, they hurt and i know they're inevitable because these guys aren't right for me. this thread is about just that, not screwing with people's head. i wouldn't want that done to me.. but i don't know how i'd even break it to people or if i have to at all until they say something regarding exclusivity. Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 I dont go on a date looking for a relationship, first I want to see if I can relate to the person and I want to find some things about them, so I get a sense of them as a person. I like to make it clear that I am just looking for something casual and I am not looking to get into anything serious. Some people will get offended by that but others will understand. Be clear with what your intentions are up front and it will make dating much easier. what do you say to these people? Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 If I knew I wanted nothing serious with the person (and it wasn't a situation of being on vacation where it's probably assumed that it's not serious) I would tell him only if he told me that his general goal was to find a serious relationship or if he made comments about seeing potential with me. Otherwise I wouldn't feel an obligation -- I might hint or say that I was not looking for anything serious (why bring up the "with you?" that's unnecessarily hurtful) depending on what he said and the context. On the other side of things, I always assumed that a man who asked me out on a date was not looking for anything serious with me until he told me otherwise or until I brought up the subject. I expected a truthful answer if I brought it up (which I almost never had to do). i wouldn't say "with you" specifically, lol, you're right. it would be cruel. at the same time, i don't want to say "im not looking for a relationship" because i AM looking and so what if i do meet the guy i want a relationship with while seeing this person?? sticky situation! they'd swear me off or something. haha. i doo not want drama. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 what do you say to these people? Well you can take the direct approach or the indirect approach. The direct approach would be to mention that you are happy with the way your life is at the moment and that you arent looking for anything serious. That is a pretty safe statement to make. Notice how it focuses on what you are looking for and not that this other person may be lacking something that you want. The indirect approach would be to wait it out, as the issue of a relationship is bound to come up eventually and just address it at that time that you dont want anything serious. Typically if you wait and never initiate the conversation about a relationship then the other person gets the idea that you arent looking for anything serious. Link to comment
servedcold Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 but how would i know if they're on the same page? is it too blunt to ask straight up? I'd be pretty peeved if a woman had completely foreclosed the possibility of forming a relationship with me from the start, yet accepted dates and my spent time and money in arranging dates, regardless of whether sex was involved. Why waste their time? It is the very definition of "using" someone. IMO, if you are totally sure you don't want a relationship with a particular person, regardless of what they say or don't say about exclusivity, you have a positive duty to tell them you do not see anything ever developing with them. Posters keep talking about "getting to know" someone before making a decision about relationships, which is perfectly reasonable, BUT not at all the same thing as knowing 100% that you don't want a relationship with a particular person and continuing to accept their attention and efforts. Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Well you can take the direct approach or the indirect approach. The direct approach would be to mention that you are happy with the way your life is at the moment and that you arent looking for anything serious. That is a pretty safe statement to make. Notice how it focuses on what you are looking for and not that this other person may be lacking something that you want. The indirect approach would be to wait it out, as the issue of a relationship is bound to come up eventually and just address it at that time that you dont want anything serious. Typically if you wait and never initiate the conversation about a relationship then the other person gets the idea that you arent looking for anything serious. sounds easy enough. my issue now is that when a girl says "im not looking for anything serious" guy usually thinks "sex... with no string attached. sweet!" but i don't wanna have sex with them either. i just wanna hang out with someone i'm attracted to, because it's fun having crushes and stuff. ... is it just unrealistic? heh.. Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 I'd be pretty peeved if a woman had completely foreclosed the possibility of forming a relationship with me from the start, yet accepted dates and my spent time and money in arranging dates, regardless of whether sex was involved. Why waste their time? It is the very definition of "using" someone. IMO, if you are totally sure you don't want a relationship with a particular person, regardless of what they say or don't say about exclusivity, you have a positive duty to tell them you do not see anything ever developing with them. Posters keep talking about "getting to know" someone before making a decision about relationships, which is perfectly reasonable, BUT not at all the same thing as knowing 100% that you don't want a relationship with a particular person and continuing to accept their attention and efforts. you're right, most people would not be happy about that. i would not do anything like that. i don't want to be using anyone. that's why i'd want them to know exactly what they're getting into... a bit of light hearted fun. just girl guy hanging out, no efforts necessary (no effort preferred!)... he wouldn't be spending his money on me. i'm a more 50/50 kinda girl anyway. if the sparks fly then sparks fly, if they don't then they don't. i just like having crushes on guys. i would act on it, but i don't want to lead them onto thinking there's a possibility for relationships because there isn't. Link to comment
servedcold Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 The way you suggest is the way to approach it, not as a deep, heavy, long boring talk or somesuch, but just a casual comment letting them know that you may be interested in fun, but not a relationship with them. Then they can make their own decision about how to proceed, and who knows, you both may feel exactly the same and can have a fling or something similar. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.