Ammy Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Hi guys, So I was chatting with this guy from an online "Speeddating" site. We were on msn and FB (I know you guys have warned against this, but for me, it gives me a good indication of their personality and multiple pics - so they can't deceive you as much). We had mentioned meeting up but during the week I am away at school, so we just chatted Tues night. We ended up chatting for 2 hours, even went on webcam (not in the dodgy, sleazy way). A lot of flirting... etc etc. I have to admit I didn't look my best on webcam - end of a long tiring day, minimal make-up, minimal sleep, straggly unwashed hair... but I got caught up in the moment and went on the wecam anyway. Anyway we chatted some more... but then it was time to go to bed, and he logged off. Over the next 2 days we had an ongoing FB message thread, although I initiated it, he was responding... So I thought, bite the bullet and arrange something because he's always a bit last minute / vague. I said "if you're genuine about meeting up, how about drinks this weekend?" - that was last night (thurs)... today (friday) he didn't respond, although I know he has been on FB (he commented on his own status) and every other morning I have a response first thing... It's now midday... I guess he doesn't want to, and the easy way out is to not respond. Totally shatters my ego. The only thing that has changed since the time he asked me whether I wanted to meet up is he saw me on webcam.. Would a guy judge from that and no want to meet up anymore? Anyway I guess we can't answer that... but again I feel like giving up. Would it be worthwhile actually just asking him what made him change his mind? I know I might look foolish, but perhaps I might get some insight into why... I mean he is a pretty open guy when we chat... He might tell me? Ammy Link to comment
Dubb Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Didn't he talk to you 2 more times? Could be he just met someone he feels is more a match. He should of told you tho instead of leaving you hang. I think all online daters should keep that in mind. If you're exchanging a bunch of messages and decide the person is not for you, just tell them. Honestly Ammy, I can't figure out why you have so much trouble. I know at least 10 guys that would date you in a heartbeat. Could I suggest you give online dating a break and maybe pick up a new hobby that involves meeting new people? Link to comment
ladyblue07 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 You never know what happened. Are you *sure* he didn't overlook your invitation? Or maybe he thinks that you aren't very into him because you didn't want to meet first. Link to comment
hers Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I say give him 2 more days to respond and if he doesn't, move on. No need to ask him what happenend. He doesn't really owe you explanation. I knwo it's easier to ask for one but really, I think it serves no purpose (unless he tells you you came on too strong or seemed clingy or something). I hate the disappearing act, but it's a hint really. I can't believe I just gave such bad advice that I myself would scoff at. Sorry Link to comment
WendyO Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I think you turned him off not because of your looks (you're very pretty) but because you chased him so hard. You initiated contact, you asked him out on a date. Most guys don't like it when women come on so strong. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Hi guys, So I was chatting with this guy from an online "Speeddating" site. We were on msn and FB (I know you guys have warned against this, but for me, it gives me a good indication of their personality and multiple pics - so they can't deceive you as much). Sweetie. As many many people have told you, this is a huge part of the problem. IM'ing with someone and being on FB with them only gives you the ILLUSION that you somehow know them. And it also builds up all these unrealistic expectations, so that when things don't work out, you feel crushed. Look, if you want something to actually BE different, you have to BEGIN it differently. You are stubbornly sticking to what you always do- long IM'ing sessions, web-camming, Facebook, all before even meeting face to face, and each one of these situations ends up with you disappointed. Link to comment
ay0_x Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 About the webcam... YES a guy would judge from that. Not a guy you'd want to date, but a guy would judge nonetheless. I've internet dated heaps, and part of it is that when there's webcam, if you're interested in the guy, its better to look "good" for cam. I've had guys go on webcam and I've been like * * * and kinda wanted to back off. It's not nice, and all sorts of things (bad lighting, long day @ work etc) can affect it but people are just too dang busy and WANT-IT-NOW to consider these things. Link to comment
SweetJade Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Personally I've been following your posts. I think maybe you should give online dating a break for awhile. I mean would it really hurt not to look for someone for awhile? Just focus on being happy by yourself and just focus on living your life. That GUY will come along and you won't even have to meet them on the internet. Please don't feel like your ego is bruised you'll find the right guy. I don't understand what's wrong, you seem like a beautiful intelligent young lady.. Link to comment
WendyO Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Also I don't get how your ego can be affected at all from being rejected by someone you never met. Don't invest so much! Make contact, and then if they ask you out, great. If not, move on. All this chatting and webcamming before meeting is silly. It creates fantasy. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Could I suggest you give online dating a break and maybe pick up a new hobby that involves meeting new people? I agree with this. From your posts it seems that you rely way too much on the internet, not just for meeting people, but for getting to know them. I would say to either give the online stuff a break, or at the very least use it to only make the initial contact and stop chatting/facebooking, etc. Just meet up as soon as you can. Think of all the time you spend doing the internet stuff, and put that energy into some real life ways to meet guys. Link to comment
hers Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Ammy, it really does come down to the IMing and webcam and Facebook stuff. You're too available to them in cyber land, so they can be very lazy in geTting out of cyber land and into the real world. Try a different appraoch to start, just to experiment. See the difference it makes. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Why are you continuing to focus so much on on line communication as opposed to a few emails at most, one or two brief phone calls and then meeting in person? Also i would have been put off by the "if you're genuine" or the words to that effect - why start off so negative and transparent about past baggage (even if you didn't have baggage, that's the impression). For some reason you continue to focus on the actions of complete strangers (for dating purposes) as well as communicating with these strangers on line instead of making plans to meet. If you're going to feel "shattered" in this type of situation, then meeting men through on line dating - and going on any first dates -- is probably not a good idea before you choose to develop a thicker skin and take an approach that minimizes attachment before you even meet (and before you're more of an item - after a few months of dating at least). Link to comment
ay0_x Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I just noticed you're in Australia. Could I suggest oasisactive? There's ALWAYS a shortage of attractive females on there, and there's heaps of guys. Your DP on here is very attractive and you'd get added a fair deal. EDIT: And like everyone else has said, if you talk on IM for half an hour, exchange numbers. If you can talk on thep hone for half an hour, arrange to meet up! You could talk to them online for 6 months and then meet up and STILL have it suck. You have to rush it. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I just noticed you're in Australia. Could I suggest oasisactive? There's ALWAYS a shortage of attractive females on there, and there's heaps of guys. Your DP on here is very attractive and you'd get added a fair deal. Somehow I don't think adding another site to the repertoire will help. Link to comment
ay0_x Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Somehow I don't think adding another site to the repertoire will help. It's just a suggestion. Link to comment
bostonbruins24 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 That is very true! You want to move the situation to reality as quickly as you can ,away from the computer,a couple of phone calls and a meet up in person.Otherwise it just might be a game. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I think you have to realize that he might not like what he saw or he might not like the fact that you were forward and asked him to go out. I dont think that you need to question him about why he changed his mind and does not want to go out with you. Instead I would not want to invest any more time on this guy and move on, from it. You need to teach yourself not to dwell on this issue. If he doesnt like the way you look, then you oh well. Just leave the situation like it is and move on. Link to comment
Ammy Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks everyone. I know I come accross desperate, that's because I am. I know I SHOULD stop trying, stop looking, focus on myself etc... But I can't seem to do it. I have done that for most of my life, and it got me nowhere. Oh yeah I'm successful careerwise, I have good social networks... but that isn't enough. I know I sound pathetic, I know I am frustrating as hell (even to myself). I just can't take it anymore though... Link to comment
servedcold Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Have never done webcam, and never would with a new person, because the angles on those things can be very unflattering. As others have said, you don't know this guy, he could be running to the dating sites straight out of a relationship and still involved with an ex. He could be married, etc. As far as the ego being bruised, you really can't think of the profiles as real people until you meet them. Think of them as records in a database, impersonal yes, but that's really the only way to look at it and keep your self-esteem intact. I don't think you should take a break. At least twice, my worst internet experiences were followed closely by some real success. Keep plugging. As the sales trainer says, "Every no gets you one step closer to the yes." Link to comment
ellandroader Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Keep your chin up Ammy...I have been rejected because I was a bit plump, couldnt understand my accent, hadnt been to college, wasn't Catholic and my personal favourite...I dared to speak up once in a while. Just a few reasons... Point is that a lot of people are shallow. The internet makes it easier to treat dating like a cattle market. It does not reflect personally on you. I will take the minority side here and defend your feelings on your ego because I am like you - I wear my heart on the sleeve and invest, it's just how we are and it isn't easy to shake that habit off. I agree though...do not spend any more time with this one, and perhaps take a step back for a few days. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I'm probably going opposite to the flow here. Yes, I've had men ask me if they can see me on a webcam and in many instances I've suggested that men see me on a webcam before deciding to travel a few hours to meet me in person. My opinion is that its a great idea. If you are not attracted to a person, why bother meeting them? Now, you will ask "well what is a photo for?" correct, thats what I think too. If your photo is a correct representation of how you look, a webcam is not needed. But many times I guess people put photos that don't truly represent them, so a webcam is the way to go. Alright, I have had men take 1 look at me on a cam and turn it off the next second. Honestly, I like it. It saves me time and agony. Yes, getting turned down hurts, certainly, no doubt about that. But its much better than getting turned down in person. Everyone has a certain idea/concept of how their partner should look like, if you don't look like that, they don't want to give you a chance. Fine. Move on to the next one. On the other hand, I'll tell you something, very few people look good on a webcam. Simple and plain truth. After getting turned down on a webcam, I put some effort into how I can look presentable on a webcam, what kinda make up I can wear that would look natural, where can I place the source of light so that it falls on my face a certain way that doesn't accentuate my bad features. I made some adjustments and know what to do now. If people ask me "can I see you on a webcam right now?" I say "sure, but please give me a few min. to set up my cam." I quickly go wash my face, arrange my hair, I know where to put powder, quickly apply lip gloss, dress doesn't matter b'coz they see your face and some shoulders. It has worked for me. Trust me, I'm not smashing hot, but after I started this, its always been successful. Link to comment
hers Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Ammy, why are you so desperate? What's your rush? Are you on a deadline? Link to comment
live.ur.life Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 There are too many fish in the sea to be shattered over this guy. Take this as a learning experience and move on honey! You don't need em anyways! You're not missing anything...He probably only has a pickle! lol Link to comment
Ammy Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Ammy, why are you so desperate? What's your rush? Are you on a deadline? Because I'm craving some sort of love, affection etc... I guess most people don't get it... even on here where there are many people unlucky in love, I don't think there are many just like me, who have NEVER had a relationship... I think when you have never had that affection, and you're 26 years old, it's a very different story. Link to comment
Ammy Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Yeah I've done webcam once or twice before... and the other guys always commented positively. I do think I pretty much look like my pics in real life... so who knows? That night I felt a bit drab... but still... I guess the right person would see past a bit of tiredness and lack of make-up... We can't be made up all the time... I guess I don't want a guy who is so shallow, right??... I don't know.... Link to comment
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