WHat if both parties feel they are the "dumpee?"

[Joshb]

Ok this is rather tricky and confusing..Ill start off saying im not getting much advice of support so far in this community Also i really like the concept of "what the dumper feels" and the reversed psych...However this applies for the dumper and dumpee.

We both feel like the dumpee, as in she feels i broke up with her by my actions a month ago when i was "emotionally checked out" (confused) Meanwhile i feel she is the dumper by me saying im confused need space(she ended it) and wouldnt take me back after few weeks of giving space, flowers, hanging out, trying everything.

Now she "seemed" to be feeling relieved, the single thing, doing as she wants, the space, freedom, doing whatever. I took that as ok she is feeling the dumper symptoms, and she might come back around. I jsut thought maybe since she been preparing for a month for this, she just already ahead of it emotionally and feeling the "relief, of im not hurting as much now, im checking out" so maybe the "dumper" thing wont apply to her in sense of relief now, true feelings processing at a later date?

Now my question is this effects my approach, i want her back, i tried pursueing, but due to her being upset, and hurt (angry) bitter, due to my actions and talking to another girl online for 2 weeks, she wants to move on not be hurt..dont blame her. We been very civil, and she has never ignored me. She wants the friends thing. I started NC again 4 days ago, and she called today(did not answer or reply yet) Mind you this is the first time she has contacted me on her own since the break up. Now im afraid that she wont have the dumper feelings like i thought she might, and with the no contact she might feel as the dumpee and move on as i will. She said she not happy, but relaxed more and enjoying herself, thinks its right choice overall.

Why did she call, was it because after agreeing to give friends a shot, i vanished off the map? She does feeling guilty for letting me go and hurting me, which is why i think she wants the friends thing(though she does care) we had a really strong friendship besides being lovers(why it ended on civil terms) Im gonna email her tonight saying i cant be friends, and best we dont talk. this might backfire if she feels like the dumpee as well. Reason i relate her to the dumper is she ended it when i was confused(for good reason) and was upset and wouldnt take me back.

I dont know if she just saying this cause she highly upset, she def is hurt to. You would llook at her and think she doing good, but really she just i think covering up the hurt, she constantly talking on the phone now(not trying to be alone) going out with friends lot, trying to get her life together. Thats her way. I thought she was just in relief part of the dumper (idea) but now she might just actually being feeling hurt and the dumpee. So how does this work? If i go no contact, instead of her missing me once it sinks in, she might take the dumpee road as i am, and try and get over it. Why do you think she called today? Best if i do no contact and tell her friends wont work? Any chance at this working? this is speculation, it just at first seemed like she had dumper symptoms, and would finally process feeling later..maybe she is now? im sooooo confused, i really need serious advice(i could be wrong) i do feel like she is the dumper though, and she def feels guilty for letting go and not taking me back. So do i do no contact, write a email to be civil sionce i didnt answer the call(1st time she contacted me since break up), or do i do LC, and let her intiate it like today? That could be dangerous as well seeing i did agree to try friends before going NC out the blue past few days. Also i did some begging at first and she thinks i need to find myself(i do) and lot of my issues helped bring the relationship to an end, she says i need self respect because she even told me week ago if she took me back, she wouldnt treat me well due to being angry and resenting, due to my actions of being incosiderate and not honest. So she proabbly sees me as weak and hurt right now. She doesnt want to hurt me though. Not answering today, shows im standing on my own feet, and i really want to work on myself. I dont want her to think ill always be here, and a pushover, so thats why im not sure on the LC neither. So any ideas?

[Xplode]

yeah i have plenty considering my story is simliar, yet minor differences.

 

we mutually broke up.. then i wanted back.. she wanted "space" i chased.. helped nothing at all..

 

all i can say is. that if its going to work out.. you need to let it. you way to close to the situation.

 

i have been a month no contact with my ex. and i have learned more about myself and her now.. than i ever did in the relationship... so ask yourself... do you want her as she is.. or an idolised version of her? like i did.

 

say to her. lets give it a month no contact, and see where we are both at... it will be hard. she may go with someone else to "numb" the pain. u may do the same. but you learn so much.

 

all the best.. its really hard when you feel no control over the situation. PM me if u want to chat further.

[Joshb]

yea im super confused, thanks for replying, havent been getting many replies on my previous threads I think ill type out an email explaning that tonight.

Part of me feels like since i basically caused the relationship to be over and want her back i should be chasing after her, showing her i lover her want her back...well i did that, wasnt working, seemed to be pushing her away. I think mainly because i still wasnt respecting her(needs) and she was angry, upset, amongst other feelings. She has said she doesnt see a future right now, maybe go our own separate ways romantically. I think is she confused, so arent you supposed to get her while she still thinking? Also because shes upset she probably saying this, though she might really mean it. she hasnt ignored me and know she cares, her family even loves me. I know she feels guilty, and conflicted. I guess time is the only answer. thanks

[SpeedingCars]

It seems like you two are a big mess of confusion.... huge communication issues. You already laid it out to her that you want her back, yes? Well, she knows this.

 

So now the ball is in HER court. Don't let her be so indecisive especially when she's handling your heart. i would say give her space... when u give her space, you're giving your relationship room to breathe and possibly grow. you should use this time as well to clear your head.

[Joshb]

thanks, you yea absolutely right. Since did not answer/return her phone call after my few days of NC, i sent her an email last night explaining, ive thought on it and friends route is not the best one for me right now, for my intentions would not be that friendly, i told her not to feel guilty for a choice she felt was right, we can still be civil, and wished her the best and to better herself. hope that was ok??

I was getting through the stage, and was in the mind set to just moving on, NC, doing me, until that phone call which all the sudden,,you guess it...made me want her back. But im glad i sent the email(she hasnt responded, oh well) so im a try to get back into that mindset.

[Pixiedoc]

I think you're right. The more you pursue her, the more she seems to back away. When YOU back away, she contacts you. It's classic of someone wanting to keep their safety net, having you hang on, in whatever capacity, whilst they actually get over you.

 

Your idea of NC and definitely not friends is the most constructive one and will give both of you time and space to heal/think.

 

Take care.