Need some help in regards to my family

[mrmaximum]

Here is the deal; this may sound stupid but please hear me out. If you where a person who wanted to take advantage of other people, what would you say? What would you do if you wanted to put up the front of changing your colours but only wanted to change your game? I think I may be to close to the situation to think rationally and I would like some outside perspective.

 

That is the basic concept with more details to follow, I'm thinking of being a charachter witness to someone, but my gut says that they may not deserve it, however, I won't be the one to pay the price, my step kids will. ANY INPUT AT ALL IS APPRECIATED.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Daligal83]

I think that's too vague to give any good advice. But it sounds like there's a custody issue going on and you need to say that someone is an appropriate caregiver when they are not? Don't lie about that kind of stuff. First of all it's illegal to lie on the stand. Second of all you need to give honest information so that the service providers and legal teams involved can make the best decision possible for the children.

[mrmaximum]

Here is the deal. My step kids father has just recently straighted up his act after nearly 7 years of misdeeds. However, he has been arrested (again) just recently and he is having a hearing this coming monday about being deported to his native country. I had considered speaking on his behalf, but my wife is considering that we shouldn't get involved.

 

Recently (after his claiming to have turned over a new leaf) he was caught with $5,000 in cash on his person (which was recently stolen from the bar that he frequents), one of his acquaintances was shot and is currently in critical care in a hospital in the city in which he lives. And when I spoke to him (on my wife's behest) he gave me what I thought was a song and dance about how he will be better off in his native Guyana. He had stated that he will be able so give us more money that way (he owes back CS to my wife).

 

The main thing is that my step kids will be more than crest fallen when they realize what is going on, however, to quote my wife Kimby777, "there are far too many coincidences for him to be innocent."

 

What do you think? I can take Monday off and testify in his defence, but am I wasting my time? Am I just going to get myself and my wife tangled in his mess? The kids need their father and I really haven't seen them this happy in a long time. What do I do?

[Daligal83]

He's saying himself that he wants to go back to Guyana...so why would you testify on his behalf to stay? Has he asked you to?

 

It's up to him to decide if he's going to try to stay here or not. And by what looks like committing that crime, he's pretty much putting himself before his children. And if he does stay, he'll continue to do so. That will hurt the kids even more.

 

I honestly think you should stay out of it, even though you have great intentions. You seem like a great stepdad. You have to go with your gut though and do what you think is right.

[mrmaximum]

That is what I had thought but I had to make sure. I'm to close to the situation and I know that it would really hurt the kids to know that their dad has gone so far away. No he hasn't asked me to speak, but I did consider it. The kids have their Dad back in their lives after 7 years of lies and half truths. My wife was with him for 8 years and he was nothing but a rapscallion for all of them.

 

He seemed like he was on the up and up this time, but my wife considered that maybe he didn't learn his lesson, maybe all he did was change his tactics. It is possible, my wife had considered that yes, he is finally paying his overdue CS, but WHERE is he getting the money from?? He doesn't have the greatest job in the world right now (because of his past) but I mean, he owes A LOT of CS. Things aren't adding up and to be honest, this is a man who rooked his mother and got her into over 5 digits of debt.

 

I don't want a wolf in sheeps clothing arounf my family, but can I really rid my step kids of the one man who means the most to them?

 

Thank you for taking the time to assist me, this means a lot to me. cheers

[live.ur.life]

The first thing that came to my mind when you talked about him being in a bar is that he is probably an alcoholic. I don't think you should take time off of work for him. You are the one supporting HIS children on YOUR income and to take time off on his behalf would just be naive. Of course he is talking about changing and going back home to get a job to send more money and blah, blah, blah...MONEY talks & he will tell you what you want to hear.

 

I don't know this mans history of paying his child support, only you know that information.

 

Do you think he is being truthful? Or does he want you to bail him out of this and flee the country and never hear from him again or receive any support for the kids.

[live.ur.life]

It'd be wise to take everything that an alcoholic says with a grain of salt.

[Daligal83]

You're welcome I hope everything works out for the best. Your stepkids are lucky to have you.

[mrmaximum]

The first thing that came to my mind when you talked about him being in a bar is that he is probably an alcoholic. I don't think you should take time off of work for him. You are the one supporting HIS children on YOUR income and to take time off on his behalf would just be naive. Of course he is talking about changing and going back home to get a job to send more money and blah, blah, blah...MONEY talks & he will tell you what you want to hear.

I don't know this mans history of paying his child support, only you know that information.

 

That is what I thought myself. When I spoke to him earlier it seemed a little too good to be true. How IF he got deported, things would end up being SO amazing for him. Then it made me and my wife consider the past and wonder if he had indeed really learned from his mistakes. Maybe we are being taken for a ride. As for addictions, he has been using drugs since he was 14, he is now 40 so maybe he is still using, that I cannot verify. We had a superbowl party and invited him (the kids where happier than pigs in poo that day) and he seemed clean and sober that day to me.

 

Do you think he is being truthful? Or does he want you to bail him out of this and flee the country and never hear from him again or receive any support for the kids.

 

That I'm not sure about. This man is a master manipulator and I cannot match wits with him. If he was truly on the up and up, I have no qualms with taking the day off and testifying about his character, but if I am only spininng my wheels, I do not see the need to waste my time.

 

Thank you so much for your reply

[melrich]

Personally I do not think it is your responsibility. If the kids lose contact with their father it is his doing, not yours. I wouldn't be compromising myself for someone like this.

[live.ur.life]

No prob...He is lucky that you are around taking care of his kids for him. Those kids are lucky to have you and don't you ever forget that. He may be their father, but from what I have learned in the past five minutes, you are their dad. The one who supports them and sees them everyday.

 

If you think that this will help your kids in the future, then help. The last thing you want on your conscious is that you could've helped him, but you didn't know what to believe.

 

i think that, just by the kind of man you are and how you express yourself, you will help him because that's what kind of person you are. I think that you should just go ahead and do it. (Changing my mind -- for the kids sake). A day off work won't hurt ( I hope) and if he does get deported rather than going to jail, at least your kids will be able to see him in another country (escorted by you and their mom) and not behind bars.

[jenny_mcs]

 

 

That I'm not sure about. This man is a master manipulator and I cannot match wits with him. If he was truly on the up and up, I have no qualms with taking the day off and testifying about his character, but if I am only spininng my wheels, I do not see the need to waste my time.

 

 

I give you a lot of credit for thinking about how this will effect your stepkids, but in the end, he is responsible for himself, and as much as you & your wife might long for him to clean up and be there for the kids, only HE can make that change. You know that expression- you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?"-- meaning you can try and help someone and do everything in your power to aid them, but in the end they have to do something for themselves. Since he hasn't specifically asked you to testify, I wouldn't. Good luck, I'm glad your stepkids have you in their life.

[mrmaximum]

Thank you so much for the quick replies, they have been helpful and are greatly apprcieated. He called again last night and wanted to speak to my step daughter. We heard her in the livingroom (our bedroom is on the first floor) as she was speaking to him. She got upset and hung up on him, storming upstairs to her room. He called back and commenced talking to her, this may not be fair or right, but my wife picked up aother handset and eavesdropped on their conversation.

 

He was promising the sun, the moon, and the stars. He was talking about living in a mansion back in guyana, and about all the contacts he has there. I was appalled and my wife was p!$$ed!! He wants to come over today and speak to the kids one last time, we have agreed as long as we are home when he does it. I really wonder what he is going to say, and I get so upset for these kids that they may be let down again.

 

Thanks again for your imput.

[Daligal83]

This man is very sad. I used to work in foster care and I'd see things like that all the time. And all the kids want is the love and acceptance of both parents and will continue to try to get it, no matter what the parent does. We had the occasional kid who didn't want to go home, but it was rare. A lot of those parents didn't deserve their children.

 

I would suggest that when he comes over, you stay in the same room or in the room next door. And encourage your children that if they need or want to talk about it, they can without judgment about him. Make it more about how the children feel than about how he is messing up.