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this is why staying friends is not a good idea

LAYAAN

By LAYAAN
in Dating Advice

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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

Posted
Posted

this guy n I met through EH. talked a couple of times, I wasn't attracted to his photos, I still decided to give it a try. Seemed educated, decent man, but I knew that it wasn't gonna work out. So, I politely said that I don't see any prospects n wished him good luck. Now, he said that we should still stay friends and was very much interested in staying friends. I told him "if you are attracted, I would not recommend staying friends. It won't work." But he still insisted. I saw him only as a friend. So, we used to talk once in a while.

 

Not too long ago, he started pushing the whole meeting n more-than-friends thing again and I said that "I have too much going on n I have to meet my parents before taking any marriage decision with anyone that I meet. Considering the pressure that I'm under, I am not able to think about anyone in terms of marriage. I've also closed my EH account and have decided to play it (if at all) only through arranged marriage route currently. I won't be able to think about you for the reasons we have already discussed." So, we stopped talking for 3-4 months.

 

Recently, he (mass) emailed for some volunteering work he does and I replied "so how are you doing, blah, blah" I called him and we talked like friends and he shared his dating experiences with some women, so we talked about that. Suddenly, he said "when can I come to meet you? You know why I want to meet you." I said "I thought we dealt with this issue long back and I have made myself clear to you. I am open to meeting you as a friend on my trip back from Florida. I'm going to see a man, we met a year ago and this is through arranged marriage, my parents know his family. That is the only man I'm currently considering. You know I'm off EH."

He got so mad "You were doing all this behind my back. Last time we talked, I thought you had feelings for me but were more interested in focusing on your work. So I kept quiet. Put the phone down. Don't ever call me."

I said "Why are you acting strange? When did I tell you that I have feelings for you? You built something on your own and are now holding me responsible for that? You tell me if its fair. I told you that I was not looking through EH. My parents suggested this guy, I'm giving it a shot and I'm not answerable to you even if I join EH back. You have to understand that things change."

Him "You are raising your voice at me. Put the phone down. Don't ever call me again. If you don't hang up, I'll have to hang up on you."

And he hung up on me.

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alli Collaborator

alli

Posted
Posted

Did you ever meet him in person? Sounds kind of pushy & he likes to reformat the past to what he wants to believe. Good thing you didn't take this guy any further.

 

You're getting an arranged marriage? Or you only date guys once your parents have met and approved of them?

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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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Well, I'll try to answer this to the best of my understanding of myself.

 

I'm not looking for a traditional arranged marriage where you have little/no say in who you get married to. I was on EH to try it out and I noticed that I was most comfortable with men who were looking with an intention of getting married BUT were not on a mission. A lot of men on EH seemed to be on a mission, so it didn't work out. Also, even with Indian men I met through EH, I was fielding a lot of finance-related Qs very early. So, currently, I'm off EH, but open to meeting men through referrals and arranged marriage. I want to date a man to observe him, evaluate him for marriage relationship but I'm not into this western form of dating (sleeping early on, moving in, bf/gf, not interested in that). But I want my parents to see and approve of the man that I decide to marry. There is a strange sense of peace involved in that for me.

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WendyO Apprentice

WendyO

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I think this guy had every right to be upset. You sent him a lot of mixed messages.

 

You met on a dating site, he wanted to meet you, you rejected him. Then months later, when he sends out a mass email, you emailed him back and called him. That gave him the idea the door was still open to meet you and pursue dating because you were suddenly pursuing him. If you weren't interested in him, then there was no reason to contact him back.

 

I'd be pissed at you, too if you called me after blowing me off to tell me all about some other guy you were pursuing an arranged marriage with.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

Posted
Posted

This is not an example of "staying friends" - he wasn't your friend to begin with. He wanted to meet you in person to see if you should date and you rejected him. You didn't have a solid friendship prior to dating, nor did you date in person and develop a friendship that you then wanted to keep going. while I definitely have friends I have never met in person, they were always platonic friends.

 

I will add that I've had good experiences with staying in touch with one man I originally contacted through an on line dating site - we ended up not meeting because I did not want to get involved in an LDR. We did stay in touch and developed a friendship -- we are still in touch on and off after over 4 years.

 

If I had not stayed friendly with my husband after we stopped dating many years ago (we were friendly acquaintances - a few emails a year to keep each other in the loop on our lives but not too personal at all) I doubt that we would have decided to meet up for dinner a few years ago, which re-sparked our interest.

 

I also agree that you gave this guy mixed messages about your interest in meeting him in person.

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grymoire Community Regular

grymoire

Posted
Posted
why are you speechless gry?

 

Plz don't take this as an offense but I am just telling what I feel. I am speechless because I feel that it is almost impossible to satisfy you Tinu. Everything is according to what you want. You are completely focused on your own wants and needs. You say you do not want to do western style dating but yet you are so quick to say that the guys are on a mission if they wanted marriage. Its difficult to understand what exactly you want.

 

Even if you met the perfect guy tomorrow I seriously doubt if you would say "he is a great guy, i totally like him". Because it is not easy for any guy out there to satisfy you. And even if he did he still has to be approved by your parents... wow man.....

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grymoire Community Regular

grymoire

Posted
Posted
I know I'm messed up. I've realized that I'm single b'coz of my attitude issues. I really need to get some clarity on that, otherwise I'll be single for the rest of my life.

 

Yes, I guess you really need to work on your issues. Any guy is going to run to the hills if he is judged on so many levels, even if the girl is a smoking hot bombshell.

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grymoire Community Regular

grymoire

Posted
Posted
I know I'm messed up. I've realized that I'm single b'coz of my attitude issues. I really need to get some clarity on that, otherwise I'll be single for the rest of my life.

 

Yes, I guess you really need to work on your issues. Any guy is going to run to the hills if he is judged on so many levels, even if the girl is a smoking hot bombshell.

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OziJack Newbie

OziJack

Posted
Posted
Yes, I guess you really need to work on your issues. Any guy is going to run to the hills if he is judged on so many levels, even if the girl is a smoking hot bombshell.

 

Yes she needs to realize that she is on that pedestal because she climbed up there all by herself.

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