IMAbadman Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 I personally find it odd that people try to be friends with there EX’s shortly after the break-up. They’ll foolishly accept friendship offers from their Dumper like an extended olive branch; a peace offering, something that’ll always keep them connected. Heck the Dumpee will even request it with the same blind ambition. So why is this odd? Well I’d venture a guess > 95% of the time they’re only kidding themselves that they want nothing more than friendship with their EX. One or the other in their tormented, heartbroken minds is plotting and planning the reconciliation with their EX. How it’s going to be, what they’ll do, where they’ll go, all the greatness and grandeur… In actuality they’re playing a fool and getting chumped. Their EX has them pulling weeds in the garden and buying their drinks at the pub. If the EX gets a little horney well nothing like some EX sex to scratch that itch, of course you’d be shunned for suggesting something like that… why you’re “just a friend”. Of course their EX loves this song and dance they’ll perform relentlessly for their amusement… they get attention, it’s comfortable, it’s familiar, and it serves their self-gratification. Your feelings, your comfort, your wants and needs…? You don’t have any. “You… you’re such a good friend.” Then comes the day when the EX meets and starts dating a new mate. Oops… all you’re plotting and planning took a dump. What happened?!? You try to rationalize the situation… “it’s a rebound, yeah it’s just a rebound.” “They’ll see the light… I’m much better…” Sooner or later your thoughts get the best of you. You begin making comments, sabotage ensues, THEN… you blow a gasket, stress out, and poo-poo hits the fan. You confront your EX and express your hurt and anger with the situation… “you said we’d get back together by being friends first?!?” “You lied to me!!” “How can you do this?!?” Why did you do this to me?!?” “I said I only wanted to be friends.” You just extended your hurt and pain for several extra months. You’re still alone. More than likely feeling used, humiliated, and embarrassed. Your pride, confidence, and self-worth shot to hell. You hate your EX with a repulsion that would demean that of oil and water. Odds are there will never be a reconciling ever happening there again. Don’t get me wrong people. Sure… sometimes being friends with your EX works out. There’s always success stories, something that slips by the norm. You know what, that’s great for those people that can do this or their break-up situation allows for it. But trust me, you’ve got better odds on a Baccarat table than trying to be friends with your EX shortly after a break-up. After a break-up give yourself a break, step back. Cut it clean and breathe some fresh air into your life for 6 months or so. Date, have fun, find yourself. Then, maybe… see where you’re at. See if you really think and feel a friendship is worth it at that time. Stepping back and allowing the issues, emotions, and pain dye down will ultimately give you the best chance for future reconciliation and/or a friendship worthy of your participation. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 It's not always like this. Sometimes dumpers stay friends with the dumpees because they feel sorry for them and for dumping them. And the dumpee takes it because he/she is glad to have the dumper in their lives in any way, shape or form. I've seen this happen. Yeah, dumpers can be cruel a lot of times, but sometimes they do have compassion too. But then I've never been a dumper though. Link to comment
CocoButter Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 HA HA...this made me laugh....reading the part about sex...does ring true....when they want sex its ok....but if u want it...."we r just friends" everything is on their terms...anyone who is thinking of being friends dont...ive wasted almost 2 years trying to be friends....im still in pain and if i cut him off two years ago...i would have been over him. my friend told me good advice....better to cut if off and feel really hurt and have peace of mind later...instead of trying to fix something u have no control over and continue to hurt.. DONT DO IT....DONT BE FRIENDS WITH THE EX Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 It's not always like this. Sometimes dumpers stay friends with the dumpees because they feel sorry for them and for dumping them. And the dumpee takes it because he/she is glad to have the dumper in their lives in any way, shape or form. I've seen this happen. Yeah, dumpers can be cruel a lot of times, but sometimes they do have compassion too. But then I've never been a dumper though. I wrote this from the perspective of a person that gets involved/accepts this type of friendship offer. I didn't mean to imply anyone was being cruel or calous. I'm just commenting on my personal experiences and the reoccuring events/stories that I read here. In fact I often believe as you stated, "they feel sorry for you". Unfortunately the Dumpee tends to snap that type of "friendship" offer up because they think it's a way to get'em back. The rest of the events and situations (using and being hurt) just naturally ensue without really anyone’s conscious efforts. I for one don't need or want pity from the person that just broke my heart. Personally, I want to leave with the impression that I’m proud, strong, and WILL go on without them. Link to comment
rebelfac Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Good post She left me and we have a 12 year old daughter. She moved in with a guy 6 months ago and is very happy. He has the advantage of being new and is showering her with affection and I didn't give her nearly enough. She had no time to miss me and would have missed our conversations. We had a lot of fun when we saw each other for the first two months after she left until I found out she was seeing him the whole time. She told me they are getting morre serious and the affection I was showing when we were together had to come to an end. She was the perfect wife for twelve years and I messed it up and really took her for granted. Life is too short to hate and I do want to be a small part of her life and I don't think that will change when I find someone special. It is on her terms as the new guy will get mad and jealous but He hasn't known her for 14 years so I can care less what he thinks. He is good to my daughter which made me jealous a month ago but I can't do too much about it or I will be viewed once again as the bad guy as selective memory will happen again. Link to comment
Aeryn Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Great post. My most recent ex broke up with me and said, "We can still be just as good of friends..." At first I was very opposed to this idea, how could he want to be just a friend after two years of being in love? However, I thought about it over night, and thought to myself that maybe if I stay his friend, we can get closer and reconcile. So I tried that for one day, and realized it wasn't going to work, and I was not going to stick around and try being an ex's friend when he said he needed his "space" from me, and didn't see any kind of future with me. If he didn't see a future with me as boyfriend/girlfriend, then I'm sure as hell not going to be in his future as a friend. A previous ex (from nearly 4 years ago)...we broke up due to long-distance, so it was a little different. At first we wanted nothing to do with each other. We went quite a while (months, up to over a year) without speaking, but we are friends now. Despite the fact that it's still long distance, we're friends. And I plan to go visit him as soon as I get the time and money. It's not too hard being his friend, because I know we broke up for a good enough reason...and we both still love each other, but only as friends! Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 Wow... I thought there would be dozens of souls that would speak up to this topic. Good or bad experiences. Being friends with the EX is generally the first question asked... followed by how to do "No Contact". Come on everyone... share your "friendship" stories. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 I am usually the dumpee and most of the time I try to stay friends with the ex's. I've never really had a breakup where the ex was out to destroy me or completely disappear from my life. It's not easy to be friends with the ex, but with me, I'd rather keep them as friends then to lose them completely. But then, I've never been the dumper. Maybe if I was the dumper, I would think differently. Link to comment
Cat76 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Wow... I thought there would be dozens of souls that would speak up to this topic. Good or bad experiences. Being friends with the EX is generally the first question asked... followed by how to do "No Contact". Come on everyone... share your "friendship" stories. Ok, I've got one My first love and ex (we were together for 4 and a half years). He ended it with me and promised me that he hadn't met someone else. I was always suspicious of a girl he worked with and he broke up with me after the company weekend, that he and she were both at. I should add that he did start seeing this girl apparently a month after we split up (but you will see below that wasn't quite the case). We said we would be friends as our social group was the same, so I couldn't avoid him. Although they were good about sharing time with us both and whenever he was there, she wasn't (she didn't like me, what a surprise). Anyway a few months down the line, I find out from one of our mutual friends that something did happen at the company weekend. Luckily by then I was over him. But a few months later I was at his house (he shared with 3 of our mutual friends). Me and the mutual friends were having a bit of a party and he was out with the new GF. He came back quite late and we were still partying and it was all fine and then everybody else went to bed apart from him and me. I'm not sure how, but we ended up playing strip poker and getting a bit frisky. I was so shocked with the events of the evening that I walked home at 3.30 on the morning and I didn't contacted him or that social group for a long long long time. It was always awkward and weird being around him and sometimes it was hard for our friends. I could be friends with him now, but I'm not sure we have much in common. But so soon after the break - it's not a good idea. Actually not a great story, but it has a few reasons why you should just delete the ex from your head and your life. Link to comment
and again Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 My ex wants us to be friends, but i cant se the way we can do it, i know she loves me and fancies me, but is to messed up right now and maybe forever for a relationship, i miss talking to her daily so many things i want to share, but cant do it with out the phisical side, hope that doesnt sound selfish. The last thing i txt`d her was " cant do the txting thing, only txt if you are in trouble or have reconsidered anything" She replied i undrestand that think the world of you, hope if you ever need anything you will call, and that i can call you if i ever need a true friend, i will never go with anyone else not interested" Finding it hard to keep nc this time as no hate involved, but think i need to let her be happy within herself if any thing is to ever happen in the future Link to comment
lauramed Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Did the "friend" thing for more months than I even want to think about. The result is that I hurt just as much now as when we first broke up...maybe even more. It was the biggest mistake that I could have made and thought the entire time that just seeing and being with me would make him realize just what a huge mistake he made. I know that he didn't do it to hurt me however I'm now in such a bad place finally realizing that it's time to let go and move on. Just very sad this week. So, I think it's impossible to be a "friend" with somone when you want so much more from them. Link to comment
Struggling23 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 being friends is a joke. I got that crap from my as fiancé, funny when I called her she was always busy or had to go, funny I could never see her, funny it's been 8 months and I haven't heard a peep from my so called good friend. With my recent ex I got offered friendship again, this time I'm smarter I told her yeah sure because I don't want her to feel guilt dumping me but I'm I her friend nope. What I don't know what I don't hear what I can't see can't hurt me and that's why I refuse to stay friends. Plus come on once they start to date you think their new bf or gf will be ok with them communicating with their previous ex? Better to cut it now then let the disease spread. Take your friendship and shove it I won't be downgraded. Plus it's weird as hell, my friend is friends with his ex but she's always there, he's scared to talk to other women or hang out with them because he feels guilty sen though she dumped him And it's been 5 months. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 Did the "friend" thing for more months than I even want to think about. The result is that I hurt just as much now as when we first broke up...maybe even more. It was the biggest mistake that I could have made and thought the entire time that just seeing and being with me would make him realize just what a huge mistake he made. I know that he didn't do it to hurt me however I'm now in such a bad place finally realizing that it's time to let go and move on. Just very sad this week. So, I think it's impossible to be a "friend" with somone when you want so much more from them. Hang in the hun it'll get better. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 being friends is a joke. I got that crap from my as fiancé, funny when I called her she was always busy or had to go, funny I could never see her, funny it's been 8 months and I haven't heard a peep from my so called good friend. With my recent ex I got offered friendship again, this time I'm smarter I told her yeah sure because I don't want her to feel guilt dumping me but I'm I her friend nope. What I don't know what I don't hear what I can't see can't hurt me and that's why I refuse to stay friends. Plus come on once they start to date you think their new bf or gf will be ok with them communicating with their previous ex? Better to cut it now then let the disease spread. Take your friendship and shove it I won't be downgraded Dude we so have to PARTY sometime!!! Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 My experience with being friends with the ex wasnt so good.He looked for contact right after the break up but as soon as I cuted the sex talk he lost the interest.Made me fell used and hurt so I wouldnt recomend it. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 ...but, but, I want to be one of those special cases. ENA is giving me an education, that's for sure. I guess we all have the tendency to think we are unique among the masses. I have never felt that my husband and I are typical in anything, which is why this break has been so hard for me to accept. Thank you for your post IMAbadman. Something I said to another person who was thinking the same thing... that their relationship was so unique, their break-up was different, and so on... Sorry. 9-10 times they follow the same path. You're fooling only yourself if you think you're strong and happy. You're also only fooling yourself if you think you've addressed the problems that caused the break-up in fact I'd venture to say your just scratching the surface. Right now the only thing you are sure about is that you're hurt, scared, and alone. There's a cycle you go through when confronted with a loss, I'm guessing you are probably in the denial phase. You'd do anything to get her back, right? Well then... You need to give her time and space. Take the advice of the hundreds of people on ENA, let her go for right now. You need to step back and let her breath and think. She needs to miss you. She needs to feel this loss also. At this point she is more than likely just angry and hurt yet. Yeah... I know... your love is different though, there's never been a love/relationship like you two had, and she'd want you to start hounding her about how you metamorphosed in the last 15-20 days completely changing your life for the better. She also needs to know how much you love her and how sorry you are and if she comes back things will be different. You’re not the first to think this way… it’s a process everyone goes through. So really think about your next actions. We’re only trying to help. Ciao. Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Ah, you are right IMAbadman. And wise. It's a stage of grief, too, bargaining. Ultimately, that is what we are dealing with here, grief. It is not a linear process, and includes denial, anger, ..... I forget the rest, I'm not there yet. Link to comment
cl76 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Something I said to another person who was thinking the same thing... that their relationship was so unique, their break-up was different, and so on... Sorry. 9-10 times they follow the same path. Haha that was me!!!! Yeh stuff crawling back to the ex. I've been dating other people now, I feel pretty good Definitely shove your "friendship to escape from guilt" clause where the sun don't shine. Link to comment
Struggling23 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 IF one thing my ex fiance cheating on me and leaving me, is how to handle a breakup, this time I didn't beg, didn't say but what about just last week you said you love me and you were talking about kids, didn't mention how I was the best boyfriend she ever had, didn't plead my case, when she said were different before I would say but I'll change bla bla, this time I just said alright if that's what you think. "can we still be friends, I want you in my life" "sure" I haven't messaged her since and I won't, as I always say I don't need your sympathy or thinking of me, so if me saying I'll be your friend relieves your guilt then sure go right ahead. I was on that but my relationship is different bandwagon back in teh day but nope not anyore, most breakups as mentioned by that poster are the same, usually the person detaches emotionally, you get less text messages, there more busy, they don't call you so much, they have plans that come up when your suppose to meet, the I love you's are in short demand, then they drop the bomb on you. We all think hey I've been with this person for so long and talked to them every day, they will come back the next day or the day after I ean how can they stop texting or phoning me while I keep checking my phone every second for contact, because there already gone. I did the begging and pleading with my cheating ex, and I lost all my dignity and self respect, they drag you through the mud, giving you bread crumbs like "who knows what the future holds", "I still love you", "i'm not interested in dating at the moment" oh and the classic "he/she is just a friend you have nothing to worry about", or the major one that keeps you stringing along "every day I think about us and wonder if I made the right decision". Back in the day all these lines kept me strung along as "friends" eating the bread crumbs from the floor like a pathetic little doormat dog, it's so funny this time I got the exact same lines, the exact same detaching, except now I do nothing, I will not chase, I will not plead. This time I left gracefully, just sent a letter telling her thanks for being there when I needed someone to talk to and showing me I could love and care for someone deeply again, and to her parents for being extremely nice to me and I was on my way. Will she contact me again? Shrugs I don't know, I haven't heard a peep from my ex fiancee and that was 8 months ago and we were together for 3 years, I was only with this girl for 4 months so I'm not holding my breath. The point I would like to say there is nothing you can do to change someone's mind only they can, being "friends" when you still have emotions for them is only hurting you. Link to comment
longdist Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I agree, friendship right after the breakup is a horrible idea. I tried it for a couple weeks and quickly realized how great being a friend with your ex is. NC is by far the way to go after a breakup. It's been 4 months for me and met up w/ the ex (long story). Guess I'm at another crossroads NC or friends. I'm seeing other girls, and guess I don't feel that romantic need w/ my possible friend anymore. Yes, I'd still take her back... so question if this friendship will really do any good. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Wow. Great stories everyone. My hopes are that someone put in the To Be or Not to Be Friendship reads this thread and is able to get a better understanding of what others have experienced. Keep'em coming! Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Reconsidering the possibility of being "friends" with him. If he bailed on the marriage without explanation he could easily bail on the friendship without warning. He couldn't be here for one, which already allowed him space and freedom, so how can he be here for the other? If he's willing to invest in a friendship, why not a marriage into our golden years? How can he say he'll always be a part of my life, that he'll "be there" for me, when his choices and decisions have moved him consistently and progressively away? What kind of friendship is that, if there could be no trust, nothing to rely upon? Ow, it hurts doubly to think friendship with him may be an illusion. Am I being childish? Do I have unreasonable expectations? Why am I such a fool? I don't want to be bitter.... I couldn't agree with you more. I've always thought of marriage as the ultimate friendship myself. Although who am I to say... I've never been married. There's the trust issue that he walked out of your relationship why would he not just walk out on the "friendship" when he felt so inclined. Yeah... why wouldn't he. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I feel for you. It's a travesty people can be so careless with another’s heart. Hang in there hun. Link to comment
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