Epic fail number... Oh forget it, I lost count!!

[CynicalGuitarist]

Well, after 2 months of being unemployed, Wal Mart (somehow; because the lady interviewing me was a beautiful Chinese woman, I epic failed the interview by stuttering and failing to answer the questions correctly) hires me as a cart attendant. I'm literally epically bad at everything I attempt, work at, or dedicate myself to, and this was no exception. All I did was anger the cars driving in the parking lot. I even almost hit a couple. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE ghasp HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE my mind and body. I'm a disgrace; I've been given an opportunity in this crap economy to make at least some sort of money, and I fail that too. I can't even do the simplest of all the most braindead minute jobs out there. I'm not even freakishly smart like other people who can't do mind numbing minimum wage work out there. All I know is words, and that's not even impressive; I hate it. I don't wanna be a writer; I hate goddamn writing. I hate being complimented on my writing skills 'cause I don't wanna be confined to some sort of repressed life like that; sitting inside all damn day writing page after page after page ad nausea stuck with a wife I'm not attracted to, kids that are as manically depressed, unfulfilled, and misanthropic as I am, and a minivan in some crapshack in suburbia, while I look out the window or go to the grocery and watch everyone else live life with smiles on their faces.

 

I've been thinking about the cliche office slogan "Is this good for the company?" lately and the metaphysical meanings behind it. I've been wondering if my own life has any good for "the company". I'm damn sure the guy who came up with it was a Freemason. If I died, I know it'd be better for "the company" which is life 'cause there'd be more resources for all the more deserving people of the world and one less person doing nothing but adding to the massive overpopulation problem of the world. This is why I don't talk to women much and try to avoid them as much as possible (well, besides family); they're better off not knowing about my insane, unstable waste of an existence and futile search for happiness. I just wish I were normal; succeeding in school, succeeding at work, completely numb to the right side of my brain, and completely happy like I'm supposed to be like 93 percent of the population is. Why me? Why do I have to be the guy who wants to sing his pains and woes and happiness out in a prog/art band but has extreme stage fright? Why do I have to be the suffering bohemian artist whose well-being falters once dealing with permanence and inching towards quiet desperation? Why do I have to try and repress my anger and hurt and sadness and other emotions and force myself to be happy just to get people off my back? I wish I could "uncreate" this problem like all the self-help books say I can and be "unreasonably happy" (direct quote from one of them). I'm tired of all the lies in them like "do the best you can and everything will work out!" "You are a god and you can create your own reality!" "Love is the only true emotion out there". Unfortunately, life is built on hatred, social darwinism and selfishness; I hate those things, but that's reality. A lot of very powerful people make their living at the expense of other people, and there's absolutely nothing anybody can do about it. The truth never set me free, all it did was depress the life out of me. I feel sick to my stomach with my own disgusting putrid puny body and mind. I believe in reincarnation, and I always wonder what kind of crimes I committed in my past lives to make me who I am today.

 

This is too depressing; I wish I could smoke a massive amount of marijuana and make myself numb to reality for a few hours but Wal Mart drug tests. I don't think I can even watch any Charlie Brown or Ernest movies/shows. They hit too close to home. Even the movie Lucas... I couldn't even watch it all the way through 'cause it hits me hard. The little guy succeeding and becoming the underdog... I realized that's just in the Movies and Manga and Anime.

 

Almost all of the only dreams I remember are of the world coming to an end or seeing people who have died (i.e. my dad and a friend of mine who committed suicide) each on separate occasions. I can't even lucid dream or astral project on will and I have an EXTREME interest in it! ARGH! EPIC FREAKIN FAIL! I just wish I could project to the astral and cut the gray cord attached to my head; supposedly, this will get me stuck in the astral and kill me in my sleep.

 

I'm gonna try my best to sleep in a few hours; hopefully, I'll never ever wake up ever again.

[waveseer]

Have you ever considered writing? You are very good at it.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Have you ever considered writing? You are very good at it.

 

Again, I HATE being told that; writing is the LAST thing I'd ever wanna do with my life, right next to being a manager for some fast food place. I'd rather kill myself than be some depressed hermit writer.

 

Just because one is GOOD at something doesn't mean they ENJOY it; that's why I almost want to cry for the poor American Idol rejects. They have/had dreams, but get depressed (understandably) when they don't match their abilities.

[waveseer]

Again, I HATE being told that; writing is the LAST thing I'd ever wanna do with my life, right next to being a manager for some fast food place. I'd rather kill myself than be some depressed hermit writer.

 

There must be a lively social group of writers somewhere who love to laugh. Are you told you have writing talent often?

[CynicalGuitarist]

There must be a lively social group of writers somewhere who love to laugh. Are you told you have writing talent often?

 

Yes, and I hate it more than anyone can ever imagine; I feel like people are trying to confine me to what THEY think I should do; some depressing, anti-social occupation (well, let's just say it's not what I want to do. If that's what anyone wants out of life, and makes them happy, they should go for it) like that. I hate reading books too (well, except Manga and books about learning Japanese) and can't even read one all the way through cause of my extreme lack of any attention span. I want to be a singer more than anything else in life; in fact, I don't even care about popping my cherry anymore. I just want to sing, but people just want me confined to a prison of quiet desperation.

 

Screw it, I'm gonna kill myself within 2-3 years; happiness is too unobtainable and fleeting for me. All I need is a fool-proof method (well, if one exists).

[waveseer]

Yes, and I hate it more than anyone can ever imagine; I feel like people are trying to confine me to what THEY think I should do; some depressing, anti-social occupation (well, let's just say it's not what I want to do. If that's what anyone wants out of life, and makes them happy, they should go for it) like that. I hate reading books too (well, except Manga and books about learning Japanese) and can't even read one all the way through cause of my stupidity. I want to be a singer more than anything else in life; in fact, I don't even care about popping my cherry anymore. I just want to sing, but people just want me confined to a prison of quiet desperation.

 

Screw it, I'm gonna kill myself within 2-3 years; happiness is too unobtainable and fleeting for me.

 

Have you ever tried writing lyrics?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm so sorry you feel down - give yourself a break though, huh? I imagine most CEOs, heads of state, scientists, philosophers etc etc would absolutely SUCK at being a cart attendant, you know...it's not a sign of anything at all.

 

I have to say though, this line stood out for me:

I can't even lucid dream or astral project on will

 

I know you're not trying to be funny, but this made me laugh - I have never heard of anyone beating up on themselves for this. Seriously: Albert Einstein: "Well, discovering the theory of relativity was all veyr well, but I still cannot lucid dream! I am a failure..."

 

You're only 21, you're feeling down - give yourself a break today, go and do something you really enjoy and chill out. We'll figure it all out later!

[CynicalGuitarist]

Have you ever tried writing lyrics?

 

I do, but I'm very self-conscious about them; I've learned most people are pompous, cruel, and extremely judgmental, so I never post them anywhere. When it comes to music, for now all I have is a piece of paper posted in my muscle memory and visions and sounds nobody else seems to understand.

 

You should count your lucky stars that you have extricated yourself from the Devil Mart.

 

I don't think you should feel bad for "failing" at Walmart, I think you have succeeded from getting stuck in a place that was designed to be a dead end job. Not to mention, it's Devil Mart for Pete's sake, now if you failed at like Boeing engineering something maybe I could understand you more.

 

besides, the only failure is not to try at all...what you consider "failure" is just an experience that is offering lesson(s) that you could learn about yourself, the world and other people. The real failure is not to learn the lessons offered through your Walmart experience. And by learned lessons, I mean the positive meaning that are coming out of it, like I like this, I don't like this, I don't want to be such a horrible person like Walmart Corporation is and so on...

 

Honestly, I could care less about Waul Mort itself; I've watched and read a lot about their sketchiness. I just feel like it's just one more damn thing I epic fail at (the list is extensive). I can't do stupid simple things that almost frikkin everyone else does with ease. Plus, in this economy, I should thank MY lucky stars I even HAVE a job. I'm like a male Usagi (Sailor Moon's real name to those who don't watch anime) when it comes to the work world, and a complete moran when it comes to school. I feel disconnected to everyone and everything; it leaves a really bitter soul hurt. I can't even watch the first part of Full Metal Jacket anymore; I keep reminding myself of Private Pyle with all my failures and inability to "get with the program".

 

I just don't know how many more failures my emotions and mind can take; maybe I have Aspergers syndrome or something.

[supp11]

using the word "epic" is so played out like velcro sneakers and hannah montana. im willing to bet that if you STOPPED using "epic fail" or any usage of "epic", you would get farther in life. good luck on your journey

[CynicalGuitarist]

using the word "epic" is so played out like velcro sneakers and hannah montana. im willing to bet that if you STOPPED using "epic fail" or any usage of "epic", you would get farther in life. good luck on your journey

 

I don't care. I like that word; it can be both ironic AND literal!

 

And what's wrong with velcro kicks, and where on earth does Hannah Montana tie into all this?