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Messaged me on my birthday...should I read into this?


artsman1
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What...
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What To Do?

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Ok, I can't post URLs so basically: broke up with my girlfriend month and a half ago due to depression and I couldn't be in a relationship anymore. She was pretty heartbroken, but accepted (we work together). 2 weeks later, asked her out to lunch, she accepted on the condition we went as friends. Find out that she's dating another guy. Cancel lunch, saying it wasn't a good time and I just couldn't go, she says all right. After that, month of LC to get to where we are now (no longer working together, but still frequenting the same parties. Here's the full story: enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=279911

 

Now, fast forward: she's dating her new guy (who I'm still convinced is a rebound, it's been about a month now). We were at a party together with her and rebound guy last week; I didn't chat her up at all, but acted normal and "owned the room" so to speak in that I was the center of attention and rebound guy just kind of stood there and drank, I ignored him. They were super clingy and stayed together the whole night, and I just played it cool. However, I noticed that if we had a moment, we would still lock eyes like we did back when we started dating. I also noticed a couple times when I was talking that she'd be very pensive and staring off into space.

 

Fast forward 1 week, I haven't talked to her at all or seen her since the party. But it was bugging me today that she hadn't messaged me on my birthday because I thought she would, unless she actually was angry at me and thought I was ignoring her. I had been thinking that she was thinking that I was being a * * * * because I wasn't talking to her even though I broke up with her (which hasn't been my intent...it's just been too hard to talk to her, it stirs memories). So I had considered sending her an email asking to meet so I could tell her that I wished her the best of luck with her new guy and that I just wanted her to be happy (which I really do).

 

However, then I get home tonight, and she actually DID send me a message on facebook tonight wishing me a happy birthday and good luck on my exams. Now, I don't know if I should read anything else into this. Our mutual friends have said that she just wants to be friends and that only 2 weeks after our breakup, she's already completely invested in this other guy, but I'm still convinced it is a rebound and that there are still feelings there. I know people can tell their friends one thing even though they`re completely thinking another. However, I made the mistake of showing my continued interest too early I think by asking her out to lunch after 2.5 weeks of being broken. So now a month has passed since that, we haven't really talked...could she be losing interest in the rebound? One thing that might be telling is that on Facebook, he has it up as being in a relationship with her while she has nothing up...

 

I don't know, maybe I'm looking into things too much, but we had said that we both thought it could work out in the future when we broke up. Anyways, any advice would be appreciated....should I respond? I think I will at least be courteous and say thanks, good luck on exams too, I'll talk to you soon (she said that as well)? I know that ignoring it would not be good, but I don't want to respond right away either to show her I'm too eager.

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Yeah, I figure that's a good plan, I will do that tomorrow. Any other advice? Would anyone agree that that the next time I talk to her or see her, I should encourage the rebound relationship to show that I'm confident and not intimidated by it? I was also thinking of telling her that after we have our couple year end parties, that I would be going no contact for a while because I needed to move on since she had moved on. Is that a good idea?

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I think you just have to be patient and wait for the rebound relationship to crumble, because it will. She hasn't dealt with your break up and at some point she will have to.

 

Just play it cool mate. I'm currently not contacting my ex girlfriend and it's the hardest thing in the world, because they are your best friend too at the end of the day. I know she needs this space and for me to disappear for her to truly appreciate what she has in me. If she doesn't, I've gone no contact and I've worked on myself and become stronger, win win situation really.

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Well, I messaged her back just with something brief...didn't realize that her facebook page did have her in a relationship with the other guy. Meh, trying not to think about it. As you said, I'm going to play it cool and let the rebound fizzle out. The problem is, that could be a while, as she's the kind of girl who holds onto a relationship even when she's deeply unhappy with it...so I could see the rebound fizzling and her staying with the guy anyways. But whatever, I've got the whole summer to improve myself and then I will see her again in the fall and she will see the new and improved me, or I will meet someone better along the way!

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  • 3 weeks later...

All right, there's been further developments in my story. So after the birthday message, we had our final year end party...her and rebound guy were together the entire night, basically all over each other right in front of me, to the point where other people were asking me if they were together...I had to begrudgingly answer yes. Anyways, tried to ignore them all night and they left together. Didn't really talk for another week.

 

Then I broke LC and messaged her to go for coffee this last week. She somewhat enthusiastically replied, and we met for coffee. Caught up with each other about what had been going on with school, our families, summer plans, and whatnot, it was pretty positive and civil. Then there was an awkward silence between us and she says, "So....we're cool?"

 

I told her that we were cool, and that I wished her the best with her new relationship, and that when I said that I only wanted her to be happy, I meant it. But then, as we were walking back to our car, I told her that while we were cool, I still wasn't over it, so I would have to be out of touch for most, if not all, of the summer. She seemed a little shocked by this, but said that she understood, and I said it was important for both of us to move on.

 

Then I said, "Well, you moved on relatively fast, I still haven't moved on, so I need this time away." She replied, "Well, it wasn't that I moved on fast....it was just that you said some things...like there was no feelings left." I explained to her that this was due to the depression I was going through and that they were still there, and that I didn't want to break up, but I felt like I had to in order to be fair to her because I knew I was being distant. I told her that even though it didn't matter anymore, if she wanted to read about depression's effect on relationships, it might help her understand, and she immediately was like, "No I'll read about it." Somewhere in there she also told me that I was a good guy...not sure if that's good or not. She also said, "Don't drop completely out of touch...me and my previous boyfriend don't talk and I don't want that with you." I said, "I might have to for a while."

 

Then as we were about to depart, she said, "Friends?" I said I wasn't sure since we'd be out of touch for a while, but I still gave her a hug and said that I wished her all the best. Then we had another going-away party that night and barely talked. Her new guy came and picked her up, and she didn't even say goodbye and was avoiding my eye contact...I'm not sure what to make of that.

 

I think I handled this as best as I could and left on good terms. Now I'm basically going to drop out of her life for a while, which should be easy enough for at least the next while since she's going to Europe for a month. Does everyone think I handled this right? I don't want to be a jerk because I know that I was the dumper, though the breakup was relatively mutual even though I instigated since I told her that I needed to work things through by myself and didn't want to involve her any more than I had. Anyways, can anyone comment on how I handled this? Man, I never should have given her the "let's just be friends" line, though I didn't think there were any feelings left at the time when I was depressed....I hope I'm not forever friend-zoned.

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Imagine if a woman (she, for instance) told you that she wanted to end the relationship and that you didn't have any feelings left for her.

 

You let her go, you haven't told her you made a mistake and want her back, and yet you're acting like the dumpee. Think about it from her perspective. What would woo you back if the roles were reversed? You don't dump someone and then think about playing hard to get. You admit you made a mistake, and try to recify it, and if it doesn't work (like if she's with another person), then you do what you need to do to move on.

 

You broke up with her, you've told her there are still feelings there, but that's completely different than saying 'I'm sorry. I was wrong. I want you. I will do what I can to rebuild your trust". If you really want her, those are the kinds of sentiments you might need to say before you go and "drop out" of her life completely. But if you really want her to move on and be happy, then you're doing the right thing.

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Yeah, hypatia, I really appreciated your message and I think that you're right; I never made that clear to her. I sent her a facebook message (because I won't see her again before she leaves) basically saying that I made a mistake, I was wrong and I regretted it. I said that I wished we were still back together, that I do want to be with her, and I thought we had something special, but I also made clear that I know she had moved on and if it really was for good, then I would be out of contact for a bit so I could move on too but that I understood and respected that, and just wanted the best for her and for her to be happy. I left it at that, so now she knows where I stand and I'll leave the next move up to her, if there is one.

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Well done, artsman. It take courage, and a kind of strength to say that (say you were wrong, be straightfoward about what you want), and she'll respect you for that.

 

But, you do need to let her go if you don't get a positive reply. Now at least you can walk away knowing you told her you regret it, and that you told her exactly what you wanted. Good for you!

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Yeah, I think this was a good way to handle it. I didn't beg or plead for her to come back and I didn't show that I felt jealous or anything. I just laid out how I felt, said I regretted it, and left it at that. Now I guess I just have to wait...no response yet. Maybe I won't get one, but she seems like the kind of girl who would respond and wouldn't leave me hanging.

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Still no answer....ahhh...and I know for a fact she's been on FBook today because she's posted other stuff. That's the only crappy part about sending it as a message; you never know if an answer is coming. Oh well, I guess she's gone tomorrow so I'll just have to not worry about it and let time take its course. At least it probably made her think of me...hopefully in a good way.

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You know you delivered it. I dont think you really want an answer soon, because I think it would be a no. No way in hell would anyone just say yes immediately to that after being dumped. If you get an answer after some thought her part I think its more likely to be a yes not that it is guaranteed in any way. I would just assume its a maybe and get on with your life while she thinks about it.

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Thanks dude (or "thedude" ) I realize exactly what you said, that obviously right now she's with her new guy and the answer would be no, which is why I'm going NC now and getting on with things. However, I'm sure that this message did get her thinking because I know what she's like, even though she didn't respond. Actually, as you said, maybe the fact that she didn't respond with an immediate No is a good sign. I will no longer contact her unless she contacts me first. In this case, she would also have to dump her rebound, which I could see taking several months, so I am just going to move on for now and enjoy my summer, date other people if the possibility arises, work on myself, etc.

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  • 2 weeks later...

All right, I've been NC now for almost 2 weeks with her since she's been overseas, so it hasn't been too difficult. Been working on myself, went on a date, and am actually pretty much over it, which I think is a good spot to be in. My problem is now, her birthday is coming up in a couple weeks; should I break NC to message her on it? I kind of think I should...she messaged me for my birthday and we're still on relatively good terms, so I was thinking of just sending a short message saying that I wished her a happy birthday and I hope she was doing well and then continue NC.

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