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Conflicted. What do I really feel?


catfish1199

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She broke with me 6 months ago after 7 years, one of engagement. I have plenty of posts about what Ive been going through if you are interested.

 

I just dont know what I really feel. I know she has a new BF. I am seeing a couple of girls right now too. One one hand, I feel like since I love her to death, that I want her to be happy no matter what and that I can be her friend one day, and who knows, maybe grow closer. After all, we shared so much for so long. On the other hand, I think about the fact that she dumped me. She was willing to throw it all away without really putting any effort into making things better. I feel bitter, but at the same time I feel like I want to be in her life again someday.

 

Im really having a hard time sorting this out. She called last week, I didnt answer, and I havent called back. I dont think I have any reason to talk to her since she has a BF now. Maybe she wants to give me back some of my paperwork, but I dont want to talk to her while she is involved with someone, no matter what it is about. Is that weird?

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I'm pretty much in your shoes too, man. You can find my thread a few pages back I'm sure. Seven years too. Lived with her for five. I know she's moved on too, but with someone who is basically twelve years younger than her, and it is all crazy. I haven't moved on at all. I'm still really bitter, and feel the exact same way as you. I can't believe she threw away 7 years for a kid and a party lifestyle. Its so fickle and short term.

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do you think you'd like to be with someone who doesn't feel completely in love with you?

 

No, of course not. But I think about how intense we were, and how late in the relationship it remained. When we werent thinking about other stresses, and we were just goofing off and consumed by each other. We both seemed like we had everything in each other and everything else would work itself out. Unless she was tricking herself into feeling happy, our pure moments were there right up until the end.

 

I feel like we can have that again one day. But I also have feelings of never returning that call I got last week, and never talking to her again. We started our parting amicably. No fighting or cruel words either way. Now that she is involved, I dont know if I can talk to her in the same caring voice. I so much want to talk to her, and seem like I wish her the best no matter what and be uplifting, but I dont know if I can talk to her the same, and maybe she will sniff out my bitterness. That is if I figure out if I even want to talk to her again. Grrrrrr.

 

Is it normal to be pulled in two directions like this even though I havent had a real conversation with her in almost 2.5 months? (We have texted a couple times and she called and I didnt answer.)

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I know exactly how you feel.....I alternate from moments where all I feel is the love/connection we used to have and just want to talk to her......then thoughts of her being with someone else creep in and I feel bitter and just want to cut her off completely. In a sense I feel like if I was to talk to her the same as when we were together she might pity me as she'd perceive that I hadn't/refused to move on and was clinging to the past/false hope.

 

I have to speak to her most days as we work together but I never initiate and I always bring the conversation back to work if she tries to deviate to 'friendly chat'

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You're on the right track in feeling that you don't want to talk to her now shes involved with someone else. It'd be way better for you to cut all ties, and give up any ideas of one day getting back together, because she's already let you know she doesn't consider you to be the one.

 

Look, it doesn't matter how happy you two were, or how great the relationship seemed to be. People can have confused and mixed feelings. It doesn't mean it was really LOVE.

Its entirely possible to feel affectionate and loving towards someone some of the time, but to realize, or to discover, that you're not actually IN LOVE. Its nobody's fault, and is not a reflection on you, its just the way things are. What I mean is, don't kid yourself that it was really true love, and she'll realize it one day and come back. Face the reality now, and move on with your self respect intact. That will stand you in good stead for the next relationship you enter.

 

If we hang onto a 'lost love', chase after them, can't let go, etc, it really messes with our minds, and after a few times it can damage our capacity for a good relationship.

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Oh honey, sorry to hear you are still going through this, but you have to look to your principles - SHE is with someone and YOU are seeing two other people.

 

Unless you are both free this will go nowhere. She is probably just checking out what is going on in your life - curious or a bit jealous - but has no right to do so as you have both moved on with others.

 

If you want to sit her down and have a serious conversation about this, fine, otherwise leave it and don't set yourself up for more heartbreak.

 

Take care.

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