buba Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 Will try....it's really hard. I realized that I lost desire to be around people lately. I turned down plenty of invitations. Someone said" I prefer books to people"....it's me lately. since my ex husband left almost 4 years ago, I had nothing but bad luck in relationships. Sad. I really want to get that zest for life back....start being around people, smile again... sounds like depression to me... Link to comment
loulee Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Will try....it's really hard. I realized that I lost desire to be around people lately. I turned down plenty of invitations. Someone said" I prefer books to people"....it's me lately. since my ex husband left almost 4 years ago, I had nothing but bad luck in relationships. Sad. I really want to get that zest for life back....start being around people, smile again... sounds like depression to me... You need to stop and think about just you..Your self esteem and sense of self worth are very low plus you are anxious and depressed ..You are not ready for a relationship period at the moment..i would suggest you see a psychologist and discover more about yourself than you are probably even aware of or in self denial over.. You need to realise what you deserve and want in life. I think your fear of being alone and/or rejected has made you feel needy..this is normal under you circumstances over the last 4 years.. it is also a reason why people undersell themselves and make poor decisions and re enter relationships that are really not the right ones for them..IGNORE any further contact from him...this will be his karma!!..if he has regrets then let him live with them!! Be strong...remember you are the most important person here ..just you..take this time and rediscover yourself ..get healthy on the inside...you currently are not.....it may take some months...until you can be perfectly happy on your own...this is when you will be ready for another relationship.....i have suggested the psychologist because mine has done wonders for me after a relationship break up. She has made me understand MYSELF better..things i was in denial about...that lead me to make poor choices....i am in the healing stages too and it hurts a lot however Im doing my best and am determined to heal properly this time before i re enter another relationship or even consider one, ......just try and start refocusing on what you really need not what you think youve lost....good luck to you..you deserve better than this...its all about you remember this....and waiting for a phone call is not how it should be should it?? Link to comment
buba Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I have been seing a psychologyst for a while now... It does help me understand my pattern. I need to get out of the house more.... I am really fed up with relationships, may be afraid that it's going to end up in disaster... I am actually really busy working on my doctoral dissertation and it helps to do research...I also work... But when I am done...I refuse to get out of the house and socialize. My evenings are really sad... Link to comment
canali Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 if he texts messages you tell him to get really really close to his computer screen and low and behold he can see your index 1 finger salute as your reply! I can't stand players! (but have been one in my much younger years...and it came back to bite me in the butt too) Link to comment
buba Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Last night at 11.15 he called and asked if I wanted to see him... Ha! I said it was too late and I am getting up early.... Why can't I just tell him to $$$$$ck off? I just can't. Those calls at night are just plain booty calls... Link to comment
buba Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 Well, it's wednesday and he called as promised...pretty early ... I agreed to see him tonight. I guess, I am just lonely... I know it's wrong. We are not together any longer. It's just sex. I am not calling or texting him myself though... He tried to see me a few times and I refused... I figured, may be I can use him just like he uses me? I am probably fooling myself. As long as I am not going to miss him when he is gone....I am actually learning not to miss him as much. But I do miss his company. I really do.... So, it's pretty messed up, isn't it? Link to comment
Samedy Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Messed up, but understandable.. As long as you understand that you are just going to be hurting worse for going through with it. Link to comment
buba Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 I am sure that I will be hurting, but i also am not ready to move on...date, get out there. the best part of our relationship was always that physical chemistry...I think that he misses it as well. We can't have a future together, it was clear from the start. different cultural background( he is from a religious family). One day he will marry someone from his culture...I am not the one. He tried to leave me for someone of his own culture...it didn't work out. Well, it's a mess. I am looking for excuses to be with him tonight...I never had a sexual relationship with exes...it's new to me. Has anyone stayed friends(with benefits) with their exes? Link to comment
iknowhowtolove Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 im going through like the same thing. we arent together but i have been talking and having sex with him. i feel bad about it. i think you shouldnt do this, you will only end up hurt. you're basically telling him that you're ok with only being friends with benefits. he'll never appreciate you and he will never respect you or want to be with you again if you do this. if he is going to your house today then instead of doing things with him just talk to him. talk to him about the relationship and tell him about how bad he hurt you. make him talk to you and tell you if sex is all he wants from you. look really pretty and make him want you but dont do it with him. that will drive him crazy. let him see what he lost. if you do it with him then he will never appreciate you. Link to comment
createhappiness Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 not to be harsh but how is seeing him for sex going to make you feel better in the long term? a night w/ the ex i fear will push you further into depression and continue the cycle of pain. you have to be truly honest w/ yourself and if you still have feelings for him then it's going to make you feel like a used piece of meat and much worse days/weeks after you meet up w/ him. do you really want to do this to yourself? or would you rather feel proud of yourself that you put your foot down, act like a strong independent woman and said no to your ex while standing up for yourself? saying no can only give you more self-respect and even perhaps make your ex respect you more. sorry if i sound harsh, but sometimes you need to hear it - just giving you tough love i know exactly what you're going through, i made the same mistake, but i just want you to look out for your heart. you say you are not ready to move on and date and that is totally understandable. but at some point you need to start making the right choices in life so that you can heal. i really think if you say no to him, you will feel empowered and that is what you need right now, to be control of your own life. it's a huge self-esteem booster! Link to comment
buba Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 I really appreciate your advice... i am aware that I am fooling myself by making excuses. It's no fun to be a doormat...a booty call... i will try to talk to him about my feelings. i am not sure it's the right thing to do,but I will try...In fact, he is not even that good looking or in a great shape,heh... i don't think that girls would be all over him...He is probably the worst looking guy i ever had! Well, to me he was always attractive...my girlfriend never understood what I found in him... i must of given him a lot of credit because he was kind and loving...and then he betrayed me! to be honest...i am not a narcissist, but i am way better looking than him. My ex husband was really hotttt...I sort of stopped looking for the physical beauty after our divorce, because he was really abusive and immature. he had nothing else going for him... I sort of learned to appreciate the inner beauty, and it's a wonderful thing... Well, I am sort of making excuses again....he wasn't the one to have the inner beauty after all... Link to comment
buba Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 he just texted that he is really sorry but he is running an hour late! he is in the middle of something and it's already after 9pm here.... Damn! i wish i could just tell him to ###k off, but I spend time putting myself together, got dressed up, make up and all.... it's messed up...oh, well... Link to comment
Samedy Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Tell him you have other plans now. If anything it will feel empowered. If he can cancel and call things off with you, why can't you with him? No offense, but from how you've described things, it really feels like he is leading you around on a leash. You're worth more than that. Link to comment
buba Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 Samedy, trust me....I know. And you are absolutely right. My mind clearly understands that it's wrong, but my heart doesn't follow. I am sure, some of you can relate... I am going to talk to him...tell him that I am not going to be his booty call in the middle of the night. God, I wish I had the strength....I guess I don't respect myself. Link to comment
buba Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 Thank god for this forum....it's been an hour and 20 min. He is still not here. I am sitting here , laughing at myself.... I should be crying... I am going to let him have it tonight if he shows up! No way, I am spending the night with him! But I will tell him to ###k off! Link to comment
createhappiness Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Samedy, trust me....I know. And you are absolutely right. My mind clearly understands that it's wrong, but my heart doesn't follow. I am sure, some of you can relate... I am going to talk to him...tell him that I am not going to be his booty call in the middle of the night. God, I wish I had the strength....I guess I don't respect myself. buba, i urge you to say no to this guy. do NOT let him take advantage of you and allow him to come over. put your foot down and stand up for yourself. i guarantee tomorrow you will feel very proud of yourself for doing it, rather than having come over as he pleases, use you, and leave you feeling worthless and alone again. find that fire deep inside your gut that is going to finally stand up for your well-being and say enough is enough. it's time to make that change, girlfriend! Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 if he texts messages you tell him to get really really close to his computer screen and low and behold he can see your index 1 finger salute as your reply! I like this you really shouldn't talk to him, he'll just hurt you. Link to comment
buba Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 I just can't say no to him.... And,yes, it hurts me the next day,because he doesn't give a damn. he doesn't call to see if I am ok...I don't call or text either... I just try to stay busy with things and keep my hopes high that one day I will meet the real person who will care about me... I am trying not to dwell in questions...why doesnt he call????? I know the answer. he doesn't care and he wants to be single and see other people... I had no future with him in the first place. even when we were together every day,it was doomed. So.... i am not proud for my actions(letting him have access to my body once in a while and not hearing from him for weeks...) I just can't say no to him....I really do still care. And our chemistry is very strong(doesn't happened that often)... But I will continue my NC(on my part)....and if he calls and I am in a mood to see him...I will. It's so hard to do. It's like being someone else. I really want to talk to him and see him like we used to, travel like we used to.... Now, i am just a booty call. I know, it sucks and I am not proud of myself...looking for excuses to be with him. Pathetic. Link to comment
buba Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 I got out tonight...was around other people... i don't wait for the phone to ring... I kinda hate him for coming back into my life after 5 weeks of NC... It was really working. I was getting much better. I told him to stay out of my life and never bother calling me again,when he said that he was with another girl... he waited 5 weeks and here I am... I secretly hate him, but I can't say "NO" to him. We used to be together every day...really close. How do I find the strength to tell him off again? God, I am so lost....I need to end this...I am struggling every day, it bothers the hell out of me... sometimes I think that I can just use him like he uses me. I think that I can be his friend(with benefits). But I end up hurt and depressed...And it means that it won't work. what is there to do? Link to comment
SexinmyCity Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Don't punish yourself for too long! Just learn from it, move on, and don't answer the phone again. You're gonna be okay! Link to comment
buba Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 Don't ever answer the phone? Just ignore his calls? It's really hard to do....I really want to try though. Do you think it's the only way to heal? What if he wants to come back and start over? Link to comment
buba Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 Don't you think I should at least ask him about getting back together like we used to or else? Link to comment
buba Posted April 26, 2009 Author Share Posted April 26, 2009 he called today and I didn't pick up the phone....he called 3 more times and i picked up and told him that i was busy tonight....he asked me if I can see him after i was done....i said "NO"... It was hard. but, I guess, it's a start... feels good actually...to get control back. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 Don't you think I should at least ask him about getting back together like we used to or else? No because he is using you inspite of the fact that he knows you are hurting. an utlimatum is not gonna work. he has no respect for you and yuo asking him that is just gonna show just how you have little dignity and respect for yourself whenevr you accet to see him and have sex with him. I know it may sound harsh , and i mean no disrespect. my question is, how can you ask him to be back like you were before, when he is making it clear he doesn,t want that and still pursues you for sex? you deserve better than that, he doesn't want to be with you and he is too self-absorbed / selfish / I-don't-know-what, to leave you alone and respect you as an ex gf who is hurting and confused. I'm sorry you are hurting. I thinkk it's better if you erase him from your life completelly. Let him deal with his emptiness in a better way than by using you and disregarding your feelings. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 he called today and I didn't pick up the phone....he called 3 more times and i picked up and told him that i was busy tonight....he asked me if I can see him after i was done....i said "NO"... It was hard. but, I guess, it's a start... feels good actually...to get control back. congradulations!!! keep it up. I can relate to your story. I know it's difficult. but, he isn't your answer in life. Link to comment
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