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Needing direction


capsaicin

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Hi, new member here.

 

I'm in my late 20s, it feels like the big 3-0 is drawing closer every day. Yet I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never kissed, never held hands with a girl, never been shown interest by a girl. Needless to say I am a virgin as well, though that in itself doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I've had absolute zero experience with women beyond the purely platonic.

 

My life is actually good.

I have a good, but not spectacular job.

I make good, but not spectacular money.

I recently purchased a small, but nice condo in a great neighborhood.

I drive a good, but not spectacular car from a luxury make.

I'm no model, but I think I look good enough - I don't have any problems with my physical appearance.

I'm certainly not overweight.

I am short (5'6"), but I don't really give that much worry.

 

In fact, I'd say the only thing in my life that frustrates me and depresses me is my situation with women.

 

I did the whole club & bar thing for about two years. The only thing that has netted me is the discovery that I have herculean alcohol tolerance and a lot of money down the drain spent at clubs. Not once did I get anywhere with a girl during that time. I have since sworn off that whole scene, and drinking for that matter - I'm a complete teetotaler now.

 

I admit I am on the shyer side. I'm certainly no social butterfly. I also admit my personality isn't the most interesting. I want to improve my personality, but I don't know how. I'm not even sure if that's possible.

 

I don't know how to flirt, or otherwise communicate in a sexual way with women. Oh, I've read the how-to guides, but actually putting it into practice feels like trying to wag my tail (that I don't have - you get the idea).

 

Any suggestions on what I should do? For what it's worth, I've pretty much tried most of the usual suggestions.

 

I'll post more later.

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i get the impression that you really struggle with confidence. the way you reference the good parts of your life as 'not spectacular'. honestly...i used to feel this way about everything in my life. in reality...everything WAS spectacular. it came down to my behavioral patterns. basically i've been 'programmed' in my perspectives and my reactions. of course...it's very difficult to see your actions for what they are when you've always seen them in the same light (why change the way you are when you've always been that way...and don't really see anything wrong?). in simple terms...it's like habit. i started to realize these things within myself as a result of emotional trauma. i guess it came about as a result of serious reflection. i've learned that although i was somewhat content...i was never truly happy. it could be likened to a mild form of depression...not enough to draw attention to the fact...but just enough to keep me unhappy. since coming to some realizations...i've been doing some reading on cognitive therapy. there's a lot of material online...and some GREAT books out there. recognition of your behaviors and patterns ---> positive changes in how you react and deal with the world.

 

it's something to think about anyway. it's amazing how engrained our behaviors become. definitely something we can change if we become conscious of it.

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I would not describe myself as overflowing with confidence, but I don't think I have low self esteem either. As I said above, I think my life (and myself) is great in pretty much every respect for my curious inability to attract women.

 

I don't go for any particular type of girl. I find I am most attracted to girls I have known for at least a little - enough that I know what her personality is like. They may not be the most physically attractive, but I tend to fall for their personalities. Obviously there has to be a certain physical component too.

 

I've done my share of approaching random partygoing strangers during my clubbing days as well.

 

Another problem I see is that there just doesn't seem to be any single girls. Every girl seems to have a boyfriend. And their friends too. In my various social circles, nearly every girl has a boyfriend (or is married). In contrast, I'd say more than half the guys are single. This doesn't bode well in the scenario a new single girl enters the circle, as there is a hell of competition.

 

As for my personality:

 

- I am not the most talkative person initially, but generally don't have problems with conversation once a little common ground has been established. However, I do find difficulty in finding commonality with many girls out there. That said, I am not the greatest conversationalist either.

 

- Humor is a big weak spot. I'm not the funniest guy. I'm not good at telling jokes or otherwise being funny. That's not to say I don't have a sense of humor, but it is somewhat arcane, only really comes out in a few circumstances.

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Another problem I see is that there just doesn't seem to be any single girls. Every girl seems to have a boyfriend. And their friends too. In my various social circles, nearly every girl has a boyfriend (or is married). In contrast, I'd say more than half the guys are single. This doesn't bode well in the scenario a new single girl enters the circle, as there is a hell of competition.

 

that's true. It sucks. I hate this society.

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move to the NYC metro area then, or any other area where there is a high female to male ratio. you won't be having anymore problems. lol!

 

I already do live in NYC (or close enough). NYC does not have a high female ratio. I think someone debunked that myth, showing that while there is indeed a high female ratio, the majority of single females were of age 40-60+, and that the overwhelming number of females in their 20s and 30s were not single.

 

What are your hobbies or interests? What do you do for fun?

 

At present I don't have any real "hobbies". Maybe the closest thing is mountain biking.

 

My three biggest interests are cars, the stock and forex markets (the economy in general), and computer programming (which is also my job). I'm also a big foodie, and love to explore new restaurants. I would eat out more often, but man-dates are getting very, very old.

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I already do live in NYC (or close enough).

 

i guess it's where you mostly hang out then. for me, i work in midtown, so i see a LOT of young professional women. even if 1 out of 10 women are single in that area, that's still a crap load of single young women.

 

hey man, you sound just like me (except for the humor part, that comes natural to me), so i wish you the best!

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You probably already thought of trying to join a club or something because that was going to be my suggestion. But I suppose there probably isn't many car clubs around where you meet women. Maybe try to join other social circles? Or try a singles cruise? I don't know.

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Yes, I've tried the join clubs and take classes suggestions. It did not get me anywhere except additional money spent on tuition.

 

How do I join other social circles?

 

I think part of my problem comes from the fact that I was a commuter during college, thus failed to take advantage of a lot of social opportunities that a college environment naturally creates.

 

Outside of school, it seems opportunities to meet new people a lot fewer.

 

I recognize the fact that a lot of my interests tend to be male-dominated.

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you join new social circles by meeting new people. so if you joined clubs or took classes or whatever, how could you not have met new people? that part astounds me. i do understand you're shy, but still...

 

join clubs and classes that forces you to interact with people, i guess. book clubs, church or other spiritual clubs, sports and physical activity clubs. writers' clubs, film clubs. art clubs.

 

ever go to moma by yourself? on a good day, there's just a crap load of women walking around by themselves. and since the art there is pretty cool and sometimes interactive, there's just a lot of opportunity to interact with people.

 

you say you like food, and something about man-dates? just go by yourself.

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hey man, you sound just like me (except for the humor part, that comes natural to me), so i wish you the best!

 

Heh we can say that a lot on eNA (haha just as the sub-title text says).

But yeah same here. Mid 20's, absolutely zero experience, can't complain about the rest of my life.

 

I think part of my problem comes from the fact that I was a commuter during college, thus failed to take advantage of a lot of social opportunities that a college environment naturally creates.

 

Outside of school, it seems opportunities to meet new people a lot fewer.

 

This thought keeps coming back to annoy me. I went to a full/normal Uni, so lots of people, lots of associations/clubs. But back then I was the kid who was quite happy to be a loner really. Would go to class, then go home. Didn't hang out with the mates after, not interested in "committing time" to an activity, etc. ("why join a club when I can do it myself at any time I want").

 

So now in the 9~5 part of life, having basically all the school/Uni friends drop-off, and waking up to how dire and pathetic things are, it really hurts how things just seem impossible. Heck even with 2nd-time around not joining clubs/groups, you still have the natural gatherings of classes, lectures, etc.

 

But as usual I've gone of whinging again. I suppose it needs to be asked how are you at the cold-approach - outside of bars/clubs? How often would you get any potential signs of interest - like your potential chances even for a conversation?

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