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sunnyv

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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

Hi, I was with my girlfriend for a year and a half when she broke up with me in November of 2008 because she was unhappy with herself, overweight, didn't know what her goals were, didn't know if she liked her job. I took the breakup pretty hard but i gave her space and did nc. We took about 2 months apart of not talking. In March we started talking again. We recently hung out twice, went and saw a movie once and then went out to dinner on the other time. It was great. However I was talking to her on the phone last night and she said she didnt want me to get my expectations up that every week we would hang out. I am fine with this.

 

 

Then she asked me, are you dating anyone? I responded back I have been going out. Then she said but yeah are you actually going on dates. I said no, not yet i haven't found anyone that interests me enough to go out on a date. I asked her if she had been out on a date and she said the same thing. Then she went into how she can't wait to go out on a bunch of dates and hopes to date multiple people at once so she can figure out what she wants. She then said I hope you are not waiting for me to come back.

 

I responded I am not waiting for you to come back. I am doing my own thing And she said good, cause i may not come back for like 2 years to you.

 

What the hell????

 

Has anyone experienced this before?

 

This is so hard and i had a really bad day, after i hung up i could not get any sleep and i just feel awful today.

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I think the best thing for you here is a period of NC and stick to it. You need time to get over her and the BU first before you start seeing each other as you are now.

 

I can't help but think that she said that for some kind of reaction from you. Weird how she said that she hopes you are not waiting for her to come back then adds that she might come back in two years, giving you more reason to wait about. This is what she wants I think. Don't let her mess with you like this. Go NC, sort yourself out. If she realises that she may be loosing you for good she might come to her senses.

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you know my sister said the exact same thing to me today when i asked her about this. she said it was weird how she said she hopes i am not waiting for her to come back but then added in that she may come back in two years. its like she wants me to wait in a way, secretly hopes i will or wants to get a reaction out of me other than the one i gave. i agree completely. its just hard. i hate cutting off all contact with her, it breaks my heart and is really hard to do.

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I know it is hard but I think you have to do it as it is the best thing for you right now. The alternative is putting yourself through this. What is she does start dating someone else? How will you feel then?

 

I do think she wants you to wait for her. She may even intend to come back at some point but putting yourself through this now isn't going to make that any more likely.

 

I also think you best chances of getting her back are to actually show her that you intend to move on and that she may lose you.

 

If you don't feel you can do complete NC then keep the contact to a low minimum. I will add though that everyone is capable of NC.

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i agree with you. i think i am going to do lc. i have to do it, i see what you are saying. the only way for her to possibly ever come back is for me to show her that i intend to move on. How do you suggest I do this best? I am not the type to rub something in someone's face but how do I do this the best?

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You don't have to rub anything in her face. The best way to show her is to actually take steps to do it. Go out with your friends more often. Keep yourself busy. Keep the contact to a minium. If you are the one initiating most of the contact, don't do it as much. If you are the one who always asks her to do something, don't ask her as much. If she asks you out to do something, say you are busy and schedule another time for it.

 

Just generally act less interested and I am sure she will soon feel you slipping away.

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that is good advice. because i am the one that usually sends her a text before she goes to work to wish her a safe night at work, she is a first responder. i don't hang out with her friends so she probably won't know if i go out, so what would your recommendations be on that?

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Doesn't matter if she knows or not, the point is that you will be doing it and hopefully you will enjoy it. When you do talk to her and she asks what you have been up to you can always drop it into the conversation.

 

Does she ever ask you to go out or is it always you?

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that is very good advice.

 

yes she asked me out the last time to go see a movie with her. that was last week.

 

this week on her days off she sent a text message on her first day off telling me what she was doing and then on the second day off i called her and we talked on the phone. that is when she mentioned she didn't want to feel pressured that we have to hang out on every single one of her days off.

 

i agreed and told her that was not my intentions.

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Well that is good to hear then. It seems like she wants all the control. She wants to see you when she wants to. Don't make yourself too available for her all the time. Take some of the control back. Make her see you have a life outside of her and you are getting on with things.

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i agree. i think right now she is thinking that i am just sitting around doing nothing waiting for her to come back. which for the most part is true, i don't go out that much, i work monday through friday so its too hard to go out during the weeknights, on the weekends sometimes i go out with my sister on a saturday night. i think you are right though.

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oh another thing she is a control freak, she wants all the control you hit it on the head. as a first responder she is used to being in control and using control. she always had to have the control in our relationship.

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Yes and this is what she is doing now too. She is basically telling you to make sure you move on because she doesn't want you waiting around for her then in the nesxt sentence she is hinting that she will be coming back. You MUST not let her think you are waiting around for her because if she is actually thinking she will be coming back this just gives her more reason to take her time with it. She knows right now you are not going anywhere. She has you on a string.

 

What do you mean by first responder?

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Ah I see

 

Um well I have been dumped twice by the same person and he has come back twice so I guess you could say it has. I didn't have the decisions to make that you seem to have though. For the most part we were strict NC even though we agreed to be friends at the time. What made NC a little easier for me was that I knew that if I were to contact him that he would respond. I didn't really want to be friends or to have any contact really. I just wanted to move on if I couldn't be with him and so I chose NC.

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so are you still with him now?

 

how did he come back to you each time?

 

Yeah still with him now and have been since about December.

 

First time we bumped into each other at a club. Got talking and we were kinda back together instantly really.

 

Second time he emailed me after 2 months of NC. It was a nice email. We got talking via text. Started going out as friends for a little while and then got back together again.

 

This is why I usually say on here that when people get back together it just kind of happens on it's own really. There is no master plan that can be followed. It just happens or it doesn't. That is the way I look at it really.

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i think you are right because when you try to plan it out it never really works. that is great that nc worked for you. i am really happy to hear that.

 

she tells me that if she finds out i am the love of her life she will come running to me. but again, i can't wait for that? I mean i need to move on or at least move on to the point where i am not sitting at home and waiting.

 

i have done some really good things in the past 5 months, i have lost almost 50 lbs, and i have applied for jobs down south where i have always wanted to live. i always stayed up north because of her.

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I didn't really do NC to get him back. I did it for my own sanity. I tried LC and lasted a week before I snapped and couldn't take anymore. I had given up on any hope of getting back together early on. It was the hoping that drove me nuts. However, I do think that NC is the best way to get someone back, if there is a way. If you don't do or say anything you can't do anything wrong.

 

It is great that you have started to do things for yourself. You cannot sit around waiting. You have a life to live. Whether she comes back or not you have to make the best of you life, you only get one. Either way, one day you will be over this and happy again, it just takes time.

 

Hope is the hardest thing to let go of. It keeps you going day to day but it is also so destructive. Just do things for yourself as you have been doing. Tell yourself there is nothing you can do to change the situation and take each day as it comes. It will definitely get better.

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thank you very much. i agree with you. hope has always been inspiration for me. i always hoped she would come back but you are right it is this same hope that eats at me and destroys me especially at night or early morning. i really hope it gets better regardless. I just feel "stuck" right now. even though i have improved myself and started taking different work out classes and doing different things, i feel "stuck". i don't want to wait for her but i don't want to give up. i don't want to regret anything but then again, it is really her that would do the regretting. i put my heart out there for her during the break up, she knows how i felt when she asked for space. i gave her the space but before i left i told her how i felt so i would have no regrets.

 

i really hope i end up happy one day again.

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Aww. I went though the "stuck" phase too. I would go around in cycles. I would think of things to get my hopes up, then it would hit me that he wasn't coming back and would put me on a massive downer. I know the feeling of not wanting to give up. I think that is the fear of letting go. The thought of letting go used to terrify me because it made everything seem so final. But really, what other choice do we have in these situations? When we finally realise that there is nothing we can do, that the decision lies with them then I think we do begin to let go. It is something that just happens though when we are ready. I was also the same. I used to hate going to bed in fear of waking up in the morning. Mornings were always the worst for me.

 

I never thought I would recover. I don't even think I am fully recovered from it now.

 

At least though you can rest assured that you said all you had to say and like you said have no regrets.

 

You have already made a lot of progress, it might not feel like it but you have. Look at how you were at the beginning to how you are now and see the difference. You just don't notice it at the time because it is such a slow painful process.

 

But when you finally do start to let go it's odd. For me if was something that just seemed to click into place and I started to feel better. It started with waking up and him not being the first thing on my mind. I was finally able to actually have fun without him. It will happen for you too.

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oh my gosh the mornings are the worst. sometimes i wake up 2 hours before i need to and can't get back to bed. i toss and turn. then when it is time to finally get out of bed, i don't want to get out of bed, i just want to lay there. i think of how she used to be sleeping next to me, i picture her face and part of me just wants to scream. i usually smash my pillow to hide my frustration.

 

thank you very much for pointing out my progress you are right, its hard to see because i get caught in this "stuck" phase where i get happy when she texts me, sad when she doesn't, curious as to who she is out with, what she is doing, why she is forgetting about me.

 

its awful. its a viscious cycle.

 

i would love to get to the part where i can wake up and not wish she was there next to me.

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thank you very much for pointing out my progress you are right, its hard to see because i get caught in this "stuck" phase where i get happy when she texts me, sad when she doesn't, curious as to who she is out with, what she is doing, why she is forgetting about me.

 

This is why NC is good for healing. If you have no contact you don't wonder as much about why they haven't answered, what they are doing and who they are doing it with. The contact will pick you up for a little while but when that wears off you start to feel worse again, if not worse than how you were already feelings. It's like being addicted to a drug.

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i agree. when i talk to her and find out she is going out or she mentions something it is like this massive downer and these are the nights i don't get any sleep and feel really bad in the morning as to where my whole next day is shot. when i dont talk to her or just text her a short text i don't feel as bad.

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