Is there something wrong with me here?

[pacopaco]

My girfriend cheated on me three years ago. we got back together last year around this time with NC all of 2007. that's a whole year of not having her in my life.

She slept with her boss. She still works there, and her boss has made her job a living nightmare.

My problem is this. When I got with her last year, I told her that there were things that still hurt, and that we would need to work through together. The problem is this: I asked her a few weeks ago, after she got a text message who it was. she got defensive nad said I wasinvading her privacy, and that this isn't how to build trust, by screening calls and what not. I told her that if I couldn't ask that, then what could I ask?

The texting is some dude at work that she has been friends with since she began empoloyment there. She claims nothing ever happened with him, and I believe that. Still, how am I hurting you by asking?

Anyway, last week they started going to a yoga class after work. It upset me that she didn't even tell me about the yoga class. She said the guy is OK, and that she wants me to meet him too, so that I don't have to take her word for it.

In short, we had a big fight about it. My problem is that I feel that she isn't owning up to what she did. She says her life at work is a living hell now because of her boss, but I don't think that makes it up to me.

I called her a liar. last night I sent her a text, she responded saying that she didn't want to speak to me anymore.

I'm not typically a jealous guy, and I feel that this sort of refusal to be open with me is kind of like lying. The feeling of irrationality and fear, just like t hree years ago feels the same, and i feel that, truly, it isn't me acting weird, it's her...again. is there something wrong with me here?

[testcase]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I just don't think you ever fully forgave her. I mean she cheated on you, you were going on with your life, she came back. It seems you never really completely forgave her and even though you wanted to work through things the trust wasn't there... which is a huge part of any relationship. I'd say just keep moving on, as tough as it may be. With someone new you give them a clean slate and the benefit of the doubt. You are not giving this to your ex because of the past.

[PixelPusher]

The problem with being cheated on is that it undermines all trust and increases jealousy and doubt. That's why it's so tough for the one cheated upon to REALLY forgive and move on.

 

From your girlfriend's side.... she cheated on you so she needs to bend over backwards to prove she is trustworthy again. Hiding texts, getting defensive, and going to yoga classes with men from work is flat-out wrong. She HAS NO PRIVACY until you can trust again... her life needs to be an open book, period. Her work life is hell? Well, too bad. Cheating with a co-worker tends to do that. If I were in your place, I wouldn't be dishing out too much pity. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it. If she doesn't like it, then find another job.

 

From your end... you have to walk a fine line between holding it over her head and being controlling, and keeping just enough tabs on her to regain your trust. It is a VERY hard line to walk. And like TestCase mentioned... you probably never fully moved on and forgave her during your time apart. When my xwife cheated on me, I knew I could never really forget what happened, and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life making both of us miserable by being suspicious. So I left.

 

But in all honesty, if she's defensive, there is something wrong. Calling her a liar may not have been the best way to approach it, but I DO think you are justified in being suspicious. She doesn't want to talk to you anymore? Despite your hurt, I think that is a blessing in disguise.

[pacopaco]

you know, thanks for that. I have thought about that fine line to walk. I may have not been able to do it. I guess I really did want to see her bend over backwards to regain my trust. She hasn't. I also was conflicted thinking to myself that because this is "new" relationshp, that I should act differently. Oh yeah, she erased me as a facebook friend too, ha!

[scarybaha]

no, its not you. you have every right to question her after what she did. She is turning it around on you like it is your fault she cheated on you because you asked her who texted her. Its time to move on to somebody else. Make some ground rules and if she likes it she will stay and abide, if she doesn't then she can move on.Put the ball in her court .

[pacopaco]

no, its not you. you have every right to question her after what she did. She is turning it around on you like it is your fault she cheated on you because you asked her who texted her. Its time to move on to somebody else. Make some ground rules and if she likes it she will stay and abide, if she doesn't then she can move on.Put the ball in her court .

 

 

I feel very much like I've turned into this jealous type guy. I kept a journal of my breakup with her from 2006. I read it last night, nd a lot of the same feelings are in there. I do feel like she's turned it all around on me, like I'm a jerk, and a bad guy. Why is this? My belief is that because she's still working there, and she sees her screw up everyday, she hasn't moved on. I moved on that whole year we weren't together, which is why I thought I could do it again with her. I guess the ball is in her court, because she isn't speaking to me.

[pushforward]

I'm sorry for your pain, but you have to understand that she made a mistake and clearly isn't working or showing any effort to make your relationship work. Although, you really haven't forgiven her completely, you are justified in the way you feel because she had hurt you in the past and your emotions are telling you something today. You should listen to them.

 

Is she really worth all the pain she's putting you through? You may not be the jealous type, but when you're with her, all your insecurities from the damage she caused comes out. You two need to talk this out or you should cut your losses now and not drag this on for another few years.

 

What is your goal? Do you deserve this type of treatment?

[PixelPusher]

I feel very much like I've turned into this jealous type guy. I kept a journal of my breakup with her from 2006. I read it last night, nd a lot of the same feelings are in there. I do feel like she's turned it all around on me, like I'm a jerk, and a bad guy. Why is this? My belief is that because she's still working there, and she sees her screw up everyday, she hasn't moved on. I moved on that whole year we weren't together, which is why I thought I could do it again with her. I guess the ball is in her court, because she isn't speaking to me.

 

Because by making YOU the bad guy, it reduces her guilt and in a small way, justifies her behavior. She may never move on, if she doesn't decide for herself. The fact that she is willingly keeping herself in that situation leads me to believe she doesn't feel any remorse for her actions, nor is taking any steps to make her life better.

 

Has she done anything to help YOU trust her again?

 

Again, I think this is a prime situation for you to move on with your life. You may have spent that year making yourself a better person, but it takes two to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound to me like she has done anything for herself (or for you) to rebuild this relationship.

[konstantine]

Truthfully, unless you are both able to forgive, put it in the past and move forward, you shouldn't be together. While I don't know what she is truly up to, maybe she is feeling like she has to tiptoe around and keep you from completely knowing things because she is scared to make you mad. Even if she is doing nothing wrong, it doesn't look good. At this point, you are always going to question her every move, she is going to feel like she has to walk on eggshells, and neither of you will be happy.

[twiceinoneyear]

I don't think you're in the wrong here. The way I see it, is if there was nothing going on, she would've had no reason to hide the yoga class / text messages from you. I have a lot of male friends but I was always very upfront with my ex about them (ex: John Doe and I walked to the mall at lunch today or Joe Smith and I are playing racquetball tomorrow night).

 

Unfortunately, my ex wasn't always so forthcoming. I found out about things either by stumbling upon them or via Facebook, etc. There was a time that he told me he had to help his mom move some furniture on Wednesday night (which made sense at the time because she's just an itty bitty thing and she loves to shop lol). A few days later a girl posted a message on his Facebook wall saying that she had a great time on their beer and wings date Wednesday. Now, if he had said, "I'm hanging out with one of my old co-workers on Wednesday" I would've said, "Great, have fun, lock the door behind ya when you get home!" But because he told me a blatant lie, I was immediately suspicious and still am to this day.

 

I think that as humans we can forgive betrayal but we can never truly forget. It would take years (or just a saint) to be able to fully trust someone again after they've betrayed your trust by doing something like cheating. Its unrealistic for her to expect that you're going to take everything she says as gospel, and its unrealistic for you to think that you should.

 

If you get back together, make her aware (and yourself as well) that rebuilding trust takes TIME. If you don't reconcile, remember that you deserve someone who is going to be honest, faithful and trustworthy.

 

Good luck & stay strong.

[twiceinoneyear]

Exactly, I agree. Either way I think you've both been cut too deep by this one.

 

Truthfully, unless you are both able to forgive, put it in the past and move forward, you shouldn't be together. While I don't know what she is truly up to, maybe she is feeling like she has to tiptoe around and keep you from completely knowing things because she is scared to make you mad. Even if she is doing nothing wrong, it doesn't look good. At this point, you are always going to question her every move, she is going to feel like she has to walk on eggshells, and neither of you will be happy.

[pacopaco]

Because by making YOU the bad guy, it reduces her guilt and in a small way, justifies her behavior. She may never move on, if she doesn't decide for herself. The fact that she is willingly keeping herself in that situation leads me to believe she doesn't feel any remorse for her actions, nor is taking any steps to make her life better.

 

Has she done anything to help YOU trust her again?

 

Again, I think this is a prime situation for you to move on with your life. You may have spent that year making yourself a better person, but it takes two to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound to me like she has done anything for herself (or for you) to rebuild this relationship.

 

 

I don't think she has moved on. I went through the pain. there was no otehr solution for me. I found that I couldn't go around it or over it. She still at the same job, with the same boss. there was even some other married man she slept with too, who is no longer there. By then I was out of the picture, though. Truly, I think she's in the same place, literally, mentally and emotionally.

 

has she done anything to regain my trust, you ask? after a year, I don't think so. I don't feel it. She has apologized, and said that cheating on me is her one big regret, but this is usually like extracting a confession after a fight. that or we're having drinks and she's tipsy. it never just comes out, is what I mean.

[pacopaco]

Truthfully, unless you are both able to forgive, put it in the past and move forward, you shouldn't be together. While I don't know what she is truly up to, maybe she is feeling like she has to tiptoe around and keep you from completely knowing things because she is scared to make you mad. Even if she is doing nothing wrong, it doesn't look good. At this point, you are always going to question her every move, she is going to feel like she has to walk on eggshells, and neither of you will be happy.

 

 

it's true. She claims to be doing nothing wrong, and she claims to have to walk on eggshells. this is all too bad.