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Little Confused Need some Help


Cheeks18
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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So I have been with my High school Sweetheart for 4 years, as just about everyone does we had problems along the way some big some small but always got resolved and we moved on to be a better couple.

 

So most recently I haven't been feeling the love between us, I blame it on the fact that I started staying over at her house everynight, I would sleep on the couch and she would sleep on the love seat, I would go there straight after work everyday and at the beginning it was great I would always be excited to see her and run in the door and go give her a big hug and kiss. Then she started to get annoyed with it, she would push me away and be like I am tired or I am busy with my Homework, Like she didn't have time to be excited to see me. So this led to problems with sex, she would never want to and always make excuses and push me away about. Dont want to get into detail but I just got so pushed away by her I feel like I fell out of Love in a way??

 

So I started expressing this to her, took her awhile to realize a little to long, so she started trying hard to change back and stuff but then I wasn't feeling it, it felt sort of fake to me you know what I mean?

 

So I told her straight up I think we are just becoming friends and we need to take a break, maybe I will miss you in a more relationship way and we could get back together???? It upset her very much at first but she is starting to actually like it so we decided the other day that the break is over and we decided friends is the route to go, Now I am feeling like I really miss us being together but I don't want stuff to go back to the way it was, I am just worried when I am ready try the dating thing with her again she wont want it, I know she would be all about it right now, but I genuinely think we need time apart to find ourselves again, I am just worried that I will lose her in this friends process???

 

Thoughts questions would be helpful.

Thanks

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Sounds very similar to what I'm going through.

 

I felt that me and my ex were just becoming 'friends' and we took each others time for granted and we didn't appreciate each other when we saw each other because we'd see each other every day and spend countless hours with one another. The time spent though wasn't hard, it was enjoyable and easy, we get on really well. We'd kiss, hug and snuggle but this all became less and less. I was going to dump her because I didn't feel the love anymore but I carried on with the relationship keeping these insecurities to myself and then I started to realise how much I actually loved this girl.

 

Roll on a couple of months.

 

The girlfriend has identical problems. She starts feeling that something is 'missing' and we have turned more into 'friends'. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we have taken each other for granted, we both haven't really appreciated what we have in one another and what could be seen as a relationship turning into a friendship, lies something we both feel right now - affection. She dumped me but hasn't truly let go, she has rang me crying saying how much of an idiot she is and has even said she has wanted to get back together but she needs to be 100% sure before she does that. She needs this time and we won't get back together for many months, if ever. It was her first real relationship, we're both 22 and were together for 4 years.

 

I think she needs to go find herself now, figure things out for herself. What does she want from life? What other guys are out there? I think she wants to have a couple of flings, a little bit of 'fun' with other guys without the burden of a commitment. She wants to go out with her girls, get drunk and flirt with whoever the heck she wants and not have 'me' in the back of her mind. This all makes her sound bad, and she isn't, she's just young and this is something she needs to do. It probably won't even be as bad as I make it sound but you know what, there's only so much of that you can do mate! She has a year left at university, whilst I'm leaving this summer. Eventually, she's going to have enough of going out and flirting etc because she's a very homely girl and going out, drinking etc isn't really her thing and she'll miss the companionship of me, just like your girlfriend probably will. Our downfall will be whether they meet new 'fantastic' guys in whom they feel offer a 'better' and 'happier' future than we do. I'm not sure she will to be honest, because I'm not sure I will. We have/had the most incredible bond, it's going to be hard to top. Yes, some guy will come into her life and it will be exciting for the first 6 months, heck 1 year, but surely she's going to come to the same problems she had with me? Routine? Or is she simply going to settle for what she has now? She probably will.

 

Reasons such as the reason you and your girlfriend have broken up and exactly the same for me and my girlfriend are reasons, in my opinion, that don't show a 'lack of love', they show a 'lack of maturity' by one of the partners. She's young and she needs to sniff out the market, see what else could be out there. It's human nature, it's not her fault, her gut has taken control and it's something she has to do.

 

If it's meant to be, it probably will be. Unfortunately, it may take months/years for her to mature and realise she let something really special go. But for now, it's something she has to do and you have to honor her wishes, as hard as it is. I wish I could fast forward time but you can't. I'm sure she will regret it, I'm sure your girlfriend will too. Just know this - you were her first love, she'll never forget that. You had 4 years together. It's going to be really tough for any guy to match that, and eventually, with that guy, she will reach the same point, she going to break up with him too? Or is she going to work to make it better? Unfortunately for us, it will probably be the latter because she's older and wiser, and has more experience in how these things work.

 

I've gone off on one a bit there, not even sure how much will apply to you, but your situation sounded similar to me so I just thought I'd lay it all out there!

 

Chin up.

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Thanks alot that makes alot of sense and is a great help, you for sure aren't lieing when you say we are going through the same kinda stuff. The only difference is you have a heck of a grasp on the situation and you seem totally cool with everything. thats really awesome wish I had those thoughts, are you going out and having fun as well?? I feel like my ex and I are both looking to go out and have some fun and find who we are again, So it isn't intirely her in our situation.

 

Do you still talk to her often and see her every once and awhile? or did you completely cut her off?

 

But honestly thanks so much for the reply and awesome explanation.

I have this saying I have had for some time and it totally reminds me of this situation.

 

"I wish I met her 5 years from now" when her and I are both out of our fun stage of life I want to be with her for sure for the rest of my life and I think she feels the same way. Right now we enjoy talking so much more now that there is no pressure of relationship it feels really good.

 

SuzyQ, yes I totally see us together in the future and spending our lives together.

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I'm not in control at all mate, I'm devastated! Lol. I haven't seen her for 3 weeks now, went NC for a couple of weeks but she got in touch and we had a nice chat on the phone, but I've realised that I've got to stop this, I can't be her friend in that way, it makes it all so much easier for her.

 

It's a tough one. I don't think she's going to realise anytime soon about us, or wanting me back, so I think, what's the harm in being her friend? Not in a major way, but if she contacts me (I never go out of my way to contact her now) then I feel as if I should contact her back and be civil. I don't think that's us moving in to the 'friends zone' because we aren't hanging out and the texts aren't ever about anything serious, just normally a, 'how are you doing jasav1?' - my reply - 'I'm fine thanks, hope you're doing well.' By talking to her like that, she knows I'm not ignoring her out of spite, but it also shows her I respect her enough to text back, but we're not best friends or close, it's civil. We didn't have a bad break up, it's a time thing like you said. That's why I think in a situation like ours, limited contact (LC) is probably better, but don't go out of your way to contact her, let her contact you.

 

I get great satisfaction when she contacts me because I know it's due to her missing me. I am considering going completely NC though, I feel like I could do it now and not feel as if I should text back. I know that contradicts everything I've said, but this is a weird break up situation. In ways, I probably am giving her that 'fix' that she needs. Put yourself in her shoes - 'Oh he text me back, he doesn't hate me - she gets on with her day no problem. If you don't text back, she starts to wonder where you have gone, of course she will. She will know you're ignoring her, because that's what you're doing. But I think you need to inform them that you are thinking that's the best way to go first. That's what I've done. My ex knows I'm going NC because it's too hard and I've told her it's all on her now if she wants anything from me. I've been kind to her the last day by texting her back, but I'm going to stop that now, and she will accept it. We've had an okay break up, a lot of heartache and sadness, but no anger. We've both accepted it now and she knows I don't hate her because I've been civil since. But now is the time for me to disappear. I don't want to be just friends, and she knows that. There's nothing more I can say now. We'll see what happens in time.

 

My girlfriend said exactly the same thing to me - 'I genuinely believe if we had met later things would be different.' - Well, go live your life, and if it's meant to be it will be. You may meet her again in 4 or 5 years, she may be single, and in that time you've both lived, both grown up and both matured. You may be able to hit it off again, you may not. It's all in time my friend, it will all work itself out.

 

I realise there are a lot of contradictions in there, but it's just me shouting out my thoughts to be honest.

 

My own situation: I'm gonna go full NC now, even if she does text me etc. She's had her break up and she knows I don't hate her. I've warned her that this is what I need to do so she'll be expecting it. She will feel the full loss of me now. It's not in the hope that she realises what she has lost, but it's also to help me move on. I'd like to meet a new 'girl' and go on a few dates, I think I'm ready to have a bit of fun now, in the same way that she is. I don't want anything serious. I know I'm going to miss my girlfriend incredibly and her company but I can't just mope around and hope she comes back, I've got to get on with my life. This was her decision - if she regrets it in time, then I'll deal with it. Right now, it's game over, time to take this game out of the computer and play another one.

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All I can say is I am proud of you and I know for a fact that she will be missing the Heck out of you if you go full NC, but get it done and try and move on but as you know and I know we will never forget them and have a crazy hard time finding anyone that compares to them.

 

I get the same satisfaction too from her contaction me, she will throw me an email every morning and we will BS back and forth, and end it on have a great day!! I have no problem right now with this because just talking to her gets me through the day, and I have been putting myself out there already with other women and that always makes ya feel good to, so I would suggest to go meet someone new and just have a good time but dont let it get serious. I almost know for a fact if some new women pushes the relationship card, I will put up the stop sign. Summer is around the corner so it should be all good for some fun with friends.

 

So today I am going over to her house to gather up the rest of my stuff that I have left there, I am not really to excited about it I know for a fact that it will be an upsetting expirence.

 

Keep your chin up Bro, and hold true to yourself with the NC!!!!!!!!!

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