i could use some help

[sportsfan2007]

Hey everyone,

 

I was with this woman for a few months and it just ended yesterday.. I could use an outside perspective.

 

We had met and there was this crazy initial physical chemistry right away. She was a 38 year old divorced mother of 2 kids. Everyone told me not to get involved but I did. As I said before, things got super hot and heavy right away.

 

Things had progressed really fast between us. I started spending way too many nights at her house and it became a routine sadly. I was practically living there. We were so caught up in the moment that we failed to take a step back... we never really dated. We went out the first night and waited 3 days until the 2nd date and after that it was nigght after night after night.

 

On the 2nd date she told me she was already falling for me and asked me not to hurt her. Everyone tells me now that was time to run but It really didnt bother me. She said she saw me with her forever

 

To make a long story short...... things changed. I was spending so much time at her house that she became aggravated with my little quirks in her house. To her defense, it was her house but I got upset when she yelled at me for little things like leaving a dish on the sink or things like that. It was like she became aggravated with my every little move. One day i was leaving the gym and my blood sugar was really low and i was pacing back and forth aimlessly in her kitchen and she got mad.

 

We had talked about why our aggravations were taking place. We both realized we were spending way too much time together and we werent giving eachother the opportunity to miss eachother and cherish our times together.

She said I wasnt the same guy who showed her passion. We agreed we werent gonna spend so much time together but here was my issues.. I felt for some odd reason that I could not trust her and so whenver she asked not to see me, I questioned IF she loved me anymore and that was a really bad mistake.

 

The problem was this.. She was recently divorced in November and she had a little past of one night stands right before me literally. She said she needed them bc after her ex husband cheated on her she felt worthless and she needed that validation from a man even it was just for a half hour. She was honest with alot of stories about her past. How she slept with a random pilot in Nashville back in october when they went out dancing one night. She drank too much and ended up taking him back to her hotel with alot of different guys anbd she slept with the one guy. I was like Jesus. The stories mounted, shes 38 and she slept with a 23 year old in the back of her trailblazer one night just because he showed her attention. She told me it a self esteem booster. She even slept wth a friend on the golf course last year bc i guess he owned the course and he was going through the same thing with a bad marriage and they connected that way. What scares me is this summer thes going to the same course where that same guy is gonna be there and she knew I was uncomfortable with it.

 

Its not that she did anything in particular to make me not trust her.. it was her personality and her past. She is a major flirt and flirts with guys. She needs that validation cuz she didnt think she felt sexy. She also drinks alot. One night she drove home when I was waiting for her and she was completely hammered.. on her toilet all night. You combine that with the fact that shes had a history of letting things happen when shes drunk and I was worred.

 

When I look back on it I became super protective and maybe a little possessive of her as the relationship ended. I should have been able to go a night without seeing her but honestly I always wondered what she could be doing that night. I began overanazlyzing everything. She still talks to the same guy she had a one night stand with right before me. She says they are still just friends. She knows it bothers me but never really cared. Shes also good friends with a man who cheated on his wife and that wife accused her husband of having an affair with my ex. I just felt there was too much to handle here.

 

With the summer coming up, she said I wasnt gonna see her much. She feels that she needed space now. The things she loved about me doing for her like leaving notes in her house saying i loved her... she thought I was a total sweetheart. Now she feels like its too much. She told me shes not 100% ready for a relationship. She wants a boyfriend but she also wants to be able to do what she wants and not have to report to her boyfriend.

 

We went really fast really quick. I thought I was just going with the flow after she said she was falling for me soo soon. She told me last night her emotions were so intense so quickly that she feels we arent compatible. She feels all we have is sex.

 

 

Yesterday she tell me if I want a 2nd chance we have to start all over again and that means dating. I have to be ok with seeing her maybe once a week wioth her kids when she made time for me left and right before. She said I probably wont me spending any nights over like I once cherished. She said I have to prove to her that Im changing and we are gonna go really slow. I asked her if that means exclusive dating and she couldnt answer that. She wants to be able to do whatever she wants and still date me from time to time. Is it really worth it?

 

I can honestly say that shes gonna go back down that one night stand path and that hurts me after the bond I thought we formed. She said a few nioghts ago that sometimes its easier just to be single she could have her needs filled and not get invloved. I can see it now, a night where we go out to the movies and after Im so used to sepnding the night with her thats no longer available. I can only imagine whhat her plans are after that. Tht would crush me

[IMAbadman]

Man that's a tough one. From your story it seems like everything is about her and her needs. Are you sure you really want to stick this one out? You even say that you, "honestly say that shes gonna go back down that one night stand path and that hurts me after the bond I thought we formed."

 

Have you just thought about cutting your losses and move on? Even just walking away and let her come to you.

[nem69]

I can honestly say that shes gonna go back down that one night stand path and that hurts me after the bond I thought we formed. She said a few nioghts ago that sometimes its easier just to be single she could have her needs filled and not get invloved. I can see it now, a night where we go out to the movies and after Im so used to sepnding the night with her thats no longer available. I can only imagine whhat her plans are after that. Tht would crush me

 

She is still giving you the chance. She is not saying she wants one night stands again. You just got to accept that t=you will have to go sllow and cautious with her.

[free2Bme]

But when he asked her if they would be dating exclusively she couldn't answer that.

 

Sorry, but sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You two got together pretty soon after her breakup, seems like she wants some time to be free and do what she wants when she wants, and with whoever she wants.

 

That's not what you want, you should be strong and finish it, rather than hanging around waiting for her, while she does god knows what behind your back, and you end up more hurt than you are now.

[servedcold]

Walk. She hasn't had time to realize what she had with you, getting right back in there on her terms isn't going to fix things, and you are correct, in all likelihood, she will start up with the ONS again. If you get pissed at this, she will tell you to take a hike.

 

She is taking out her aggression against her ex on you as a surrogate man. I have been exactly there, and it happens. Spending less time with her is not going to fix this. She has to come to terms with that aggression on her own with you totally absent from her life. Ironically, when she misbehaves and acts out with you over silly things, she is working out her aggression and losing respect for you simultaneously.

 

Rule of thumb with divorcees, never date them until it has been a solid year after the divorce, and maybe not even then, depends on the person. They are an emotional wreck, and not suitable for a relationship. This one is trying to self-medicate with casual sex, which will not work for her, and will make her more and more bitter. Don't be around to take that heat.

 

If you can make yourself happy with crumbs and having her call you over for sex from time to time, by all means do that (if you want an eventual relationship, don't do this just fade out), but don't date her at all, and above all, pursue other options. Once you have other options, are dating other women, you may find she does an about-face, and starts treating you better, but until then, it's all her ballgame. Also, if you do go the booty call route, NEVER sleep over, no matter how much she seems to want you to. Always have somewhere you have to be early the next day. Best wishes.