Confused, What Now???

[loozal]

My ex girlfriend and I have been broken up for three months, and our relationship was probably over even before that? We were together off and on for over 10 years, and alot of damage was done by both of us. However, I must admit most of the damage was due to my selfishness, lack of commitment, and disregard for her feelings. My ex started dating another man about three months ago. She was still seeing me too, but she finally broke things off for good at the end of February. I did the NC thing for a month, until 2 weeks ago I ran into her with her new BF.

She has been calling me ever since. She told me that she doesn't know if she is happy, that her new relationship is okay she guesses? In the last 2 weeks we have met up three times, and talked just about everyday. Yesterday we spent the whole day together, and practically did everything except actually have sex. She cries to me and says she still loves me, and that she thinks about me every day. She says she still loves me. She says she wants to be back with me, but that she promised herself that she would never go back to me again after the last time. She says she is confused, but she doesn't want to give me false hope? She can't trust that we will work, and that she is afraid I will throw this guy in her face down the road. She admitted that she probably will never love this new guy, and that he even told her that he sensed it. Today, she was really short with me.

I honestly want her back unconditionally. I realize what an amazing woman she is, and I needed this hard life lesson. I deserve the suffering that I have endured these past few months, however I can't play second fiddle any longer. How do I regain her trust? Is it best to go back to NC?

[arwen]

Hey loozal,

 

I think it's risky to stay in this sort of gray area too long. As long as she is with another man, it's a bad idea to let things go further than friendship. If both of you feel that there is a future for you, this should be communicated (not: hinted at).

 

There is no recipe to gain back trust once it's lost. However, a permanent change of behavior and an obvious attitude of commitment will go a long way.

 

I'd tell her how you feel the next time you meet. Tell her what will be different this time. But do yourself a favor and don't start anything with her as long as she is also involved with the other guy.

[Sn0man]

She's with someone else and you shouldn't be putting yourself through the torment of trying to 'win her back' while she's busy trying to win some other guy over.

 

You need to step back, analyze your situation, get control of your feelings.

 

Once you've done that, you're in a better position to make decisions about your future based on rational decision making processes, rather than relying on the desparation most people feel when they've lost something they crave.

 

When you actually take the time to look outside of your feelings, you will see that 'wanting her back unconditionally' is unrealistic, and not in your best interest.

 

You need time off.