MTG w/ EX

[longdist]

I'm meeting with my ex tomorrow. We were in a 4-1/2 year relationship (mostly long distance), broke up 4 months ago, and basically have been NC for 2 months. Anyhow, I'm in her town for business and have planned to meet up with her. I made the request.

 

So, I am considering 2 options right now. I am thinking about going full out for the meetup, including buying flowers (I was never very romantic, but she always appreciated any effort). Otherwise, I'm thinking about taking it easy, not making a move and just feel things out. I was pretty well over things, but now that I'm in her town, some old feelings are coming back. Does anyone have advice, especially anyone that has tried meeting up with an ex after 4+ months of not seeing each other? This will be our first meeting since the breakup, which occurred over the phone.

[baffled]

I would definitely take it easy. NO FLOWERS! Don't even bring up the relationship unless she does.

[4dogs]

Dont go overboard. It may backfire badly.

[Cnstnt Evolutn]

yeah i always hear the best to do when you reconnect with them and meet up you should treat it as you are just meeting them ALL over again. be cool playful and as though youre getting to know her all over again.

[toughlife86]

no flowers, just take it easy ..no relationship talk...good luck

[Rob1000]

NO FLOWERS! Don't tell her everything about what you've been doing either. Give her just a taste. She'll enjoy a bit of mystery!!

[Brownstone322]

Echoing the others: KEEP IT LIGHT!

 

Be casual, be relaxed, be confident, be funny. (Not sayin' it's easy, but it's the ticket.) Let her see the guy she fell in love with the first time, and give her a chance to fall for you again.

 

Play your cards right, and you'll get plenty of chances to bring flowers later.

[longdist]

Kept it light. Everything went as I figured it would go. We were talking as if nothing happened. Unfortunately, I don't think the situation helped advance things at all and I think feelings of missing her are going to pour on, after I have been living well without the feelings. At the end I asked if she wanted to be friends (we had been NC for 2 months... not really friendly), and she said "yes, I hope you do too, since you live in ___ and I live in ____" (or something to that effect, it was kind of a blur to me). So I wasn't sure how to interprut that, but will assume there is no interpretation, other than that she isn't interested in more. I never brought up the relationship, other than that, basically to see if she wanted to start talking again.

 

So I guess the question comes up now. Do, I go back to NC and try to suppress any feelings again, or do I try a little LC as friends. The later, if you know my story, may be necessary for any future relationship with my ex. I don't think NC will help things with her, just help me get over things.

[Brownstone322]

I have a question that speaks to the foundation of the issue. Why do you live so far apart? Is it possible for you to make a bold move and relocate from ______ to ______? Has this possibility come up before? Is it possible that the physical distance is what wore her down?

[longdist]

When I graduated, I chose to work on a PhD, when she chose to get a full time job. She found a great job, and I found a great school, with the problem being that they were accross the country from each other.

 

After the breakup, I offered to move.. obviously not the right time for the offer. Part of the problem was, that she told me she actually felt fear b/c I was graduating soon and would be moving close. I wasn't sure how to interprut that. When I got a MS, I had the opportunity to move, and she wanted me to, but I didn't want to move for someone, since I always thought that sort of thing was the wrong reasons for making life decisions (I think differently now). Distance definitely wore her down. There is no question in my mind that this destroyed our relationship. Over 4 years, we continued to build walls against each other because it is emotionally draining to have a LDR. Relationships can't last with walls.

 

So now, I am looking at becoming a friend in the hopes that i can bring her walls back down. I will likely move by her within the year (I'll graduate and have good job opportunities there).

[Brownstone322]

When I got a MS, I had the opportunity to move, and she wanted me to, but I didn't want to move for someone, since I always thought that sort of thing was the wrong reasons for making life decisions (I think differently now).

I used to be a cold, reasoned hard-ass too. But if being close to the person you love isn't a good reason for life decisions, what is?

 

I will likely move by her within the year (I'll graduate and have good job opportunities there).

Go for it. Time might work miracles. I'm finishing an MS in a couple weeks, so congrats on your achievement! (On the other hand, it feels empty without her, yes?)

[longdist]

I used to be a cold, reasoned hard-ass too. But if being close to the person you love isn't a good reason for life decisions, what is?

I agree. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20. Foresight can be blindness. Sometimes, we don't always know what is important in life. I have to say I've generally been miserable since I made the decision, not just b/c of the ex. Seems like I broke fate there. At this point, I don't think there is really any going back.

 

 

Go for it. Time might work miracles. I'm finishing an MS in a couple weeks, so congrats on your achievement! (On the other hand, it feels empty without her, yes?)

Yeah, at the same time my visit to her city was strange/hard knowing that I was visiting for a different reason than the purpose I have had for the past 4 years. So I'm worried that if I get a job there, w/o her in my life, that I won't be happy.

 

It certainly feels empty without her. I feel like there is a hole in my soul, to quote Aerosmith. Yes, I can get along w/o her, but there is certain a piece of me missing now and my accomplishments don't seem as substantial.

[aglaia]

hang in there longdist... things will work out one way or another

[longdist]

Alright, so I tried playing as the friend, based on my meeting with the ex. I sent her a couple instant messages yesterday at different times, pertaining to something she would have found interesting and would merit a return comment. The messages were mundane and shouldn't have thrown up any red flags. She was obviously online. I got no answer.

 

Should I just assume she isn't interested in being friends, even though our last conversation solidified that we would try to be friends now? If so, then what the heck, she is the one that broke up with me; she shouldn't feel any pain or ill feelings by talking to me. I guess it's back to NC.

[kayamoyan]

hi longdist,

 

instant messenger can be unreliable, perhaps wait awhile then send an email instead? If still no response then I guess that would be your answer.

 

Wishing you the best of luck, keep us posted

[longdist]

To give an update... She finally did return contact more than a day later, after being online for another couple hours. I guess I don't understand the point of waiting, especially since the messages only warranted a one sentence response. It seems silly that she would play any games at this point. So we're going to try to carry on as friends. I asked her if she really wanted to be friends, since apparently she seemed forced (she took more than a day for the response just described). Her responses generally seemed cold and uninterested, so I am beginning to be deterred away from the whole friendship idea, b/c she is definitely making it weirder than it needs to be (it's weird to begin with). I see advantages and disadvantages to being friends. The advantage is that I can show her I'm not the person I seemed to be prior to the breakup (long story, would have to look at previous posts). The disadvantages are that it could hurt at times, I may be zoned as a friend and not reconsidered for more, or the friendship could drive her to another guy, or further to a guy she may already be seeing (I don't ask). Right now I plan to go with the flow and see how it goes. I feel bipolar in my decision on this because sometimes I feel great about the decision and feel apathetic toward pursuing a more serious relationship, and at other times I feel like this may hurt too much and that I still have feelings for my ex. I guess I feel like she may always be a part of me, but the question is if that will get in the way of being friends.