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Men paying, how far does it go?


Sn0man

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Let's say that you met a lady and took her out on a date. On the first date, the guy pays. On the second date, the guy pays. On the third date, the guy pays. Then the guy invites the girl over to his house for dinner, and she shows up empty handed.

 

This is kinda what happened to me lately. I don't mind paying at all, even expect that I will, but it's nice when the woman at least makes some sort of gesture or offers to pay. I'll decline of course and pay myself, but it at least shows a willingness on her part to be fair.

 

And what about inviting someone over for dinner? Personally, when I get invited to someone's home for dinner, I at least bring a bottle of wine. It's just common courtesy.

 

This girl I speak of has made no attempts at offering to pay on dates, and when she came over for dinner she brought nothing then drank all my wine and smoked all my cigarettes!

 

I'm a little offended - would you be?

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It doesn't sound too classy, but some women are brought up with the idea a man should wait on them hand and foot (some men are brought up with this concept also).

 

Have your tried taking her on a date the doesn't require money? Like a hike or a walk somewhere, even a bike ride? It doesn't really solve the problem but it would help see other aspects of her personality without this bothering you.

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This girl I speak of has made no attempts at offering to pay on dates, and when she came over for dinner she brought nothing then drank all my wine and smoked all my cigarettes!

 

I'm a little offended - would you be?

 

Yes, I would be. I can't imagine not at least bringing over a bottle of wine, dessert, something. Is she very gracious in thanking you or does she not even acknowledge your generosity?

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If a guy invited me over for dinner, even if I couldn't afford to buy something for him i'd atleast offer to come early and help him prepare the food or i'd offer to make up some desserts or something.. something to atleast show my appreciation and willingness. I agree with the others this girl is taking advantage of you to see how much you will do.

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Maybe I'm just a poor mannered individual, but I would never have thought to bring something if someone asked me over for dinner. I will always offer to pay for my share when we are out, but I've never brought wine or dessert or anything. Mostly because I don't drink wine or eat dessert. Is this bad?

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It doesn't sound too classy, but some women are brought up with the idea a man should wait on them hand and foot (some men are brought up with this concept also).

 

Have your tried taking her on a date the doesn't require money? Like a hike or a walk somewhere, even a bike ride? It doesn't really solve the problem but it would help see other aspects of her personality without this bothering you.

Yeah, we went for a walk on the beach where she told me her roommate problems and how she wansn't going to return her roommates damage deposit.

 

Kinda a red flag, eh? Odd that it's all coming together just now, as this happened last week. Maybe I won't see her anymore.

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Ok, call me crazy but if a guy invited me over for dinner I wouldn't really bring something along. Maybe it's my age? I dunno.

I'd however DEFINITLY offer to pay around the second or third date. I once paid for a first date with a guy just to make a good impression (- I just don't want guys thinking I'm going out with them for a free meal).

If I'm not so much into a guy I don't offer to pay. And also if a guy seems to be freely opening his wallet- in an eager way which makes me think he can really afford it or is so well off he doesn't mind paying at all. So something you could do is not take your dates to expensive places. It makes it seem like you do that all the time and have no problem shelling out cash for dates. Just my experience and opinion.

 

Since you paid so many times it can be hard changing the pattern. I think she should really have common courtesy to pay on her own.

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Maybe I'm just a poor mannered individual, but I would never have thought to bring something if someone asked me over for dinner. I will always offer to pay for my share when we are out, but I've never brought wine or dessert or anything. Mostly because I don't drink wine or eat dessert. Is this bad?
I can't say whether it is bad or not because it depends on the social circles in which you move but speaking for myself I have never gone to dinner at someone's house without taking something - wine, dessert, flowers or whatever.
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Yes, I would be. I can't imagine not at least bringing over a bottle of wine, dessert, something. Is she very gracious in thanking you or does she not even acknowledge your generosity?

She did thank me for paying the first time. Didn't say anything the second time.

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I can't say whether it is bad or not because it depends on the social circles in which you move but speaking for myself I have never gone to dinner at someone's house without taking something - wine, dessert, flowers or whatever.

Neither have I. I think not to do so would be increadibly rude.

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I can't say whether it is bad or not because it depends on the social circles in which you move but speaking for myself I have never gone to dinner at someone's house without taking something - wine, dessert, flowers or whatever.

 

Interesting...I'll keep this in mind for next time it comes up. I feel terrible now.

 

SnOman- Is it possible that she just doesn't realize she's taking advantage of you? As someone else said, some girls do expect the guy to pay every time.

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And what about inviting someone over for dinner? Personally, when I get invited to someone's home for dinner, I at least bring a bottle of wine. It's just common courtesy.

 

Or dessert.. or something....

 

It's tacky that she did not bring anything.

 

If she is a "traditional" woman and wants her man to "pay" then she should also be consistent with her traditionalism and be a woman that likes to bake- so she should bring something! She shouldn't cherry pick which traditonal gender roles she wants to keep (i.e. only the ones that benefit her)

 

Did you ask her when she will be cooking YOU dinner?

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Interesting...I'll keep this in mind for next time it comes up. I feel terrible now.
Don't feel terrible - it may not be the norm where you are. Traditions and customs vary and it may be that people in your area would be offended if you did take something.
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i know that american mentality is 50/50. however, i come from a culture where the man pretty much always pays. my ex-boyfriend paid for our dates all the time. however, that is not to say this went unappreciated.

i'd always give him gifts, or buy him shirts/sweaters, just because. i'd help him clean the house. i'd also come early in the morning and make him breakfast. i always drove to his house.

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my psychology professor told the class that a lot of people have a misconception on what love is. that love is give and receive. according to him, this is wrong. because if you give, and are waiting to receive, and never receive, then did you really ever love. love is when you do things and don't expect anything much in return. but most, if not, all, people don't believe in this. they are centered out of love. and you can disagree with me all you want, but this man has more than 14 something years of education in psychology.

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i'm not saying it's necessarily right because if my husband asked me to loan give 20k and then, i'd

never see anythi

ng back in return, i'd be pretty upset. love isn't necessarily love in the full sense

. most people are centered out of love. including

you. and me.

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Or dessert.. or something....

 

It's tacky that she did not bring anything.

 

If she is a "traditional" woman and wants her man to "pay" then she should also be consistent with her traditionalism and be a woman that likes to bake- so she should bring something! She shouldn't cherry pick which traditonal gender roles she wants to keep (i.e. only the ones that benefit her)

Did you ask her when she will be cooking YOU dinner?

lol, I should have asked!

 

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's been pretty one sided when it comes to dating this woman. I can't say i'm very impressed with her.

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I would think that if you already took her out and paid 3 times, she should have made you dinner that time, or at least did something nice to show appreciation. (I'm not talking something sexual either- but just something that shows common consideration/appreciation)

 

The relationship has to be reciprocal to work out.

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I would stop going on money costing dates. Do things that don't cost you a dime and see how long she sticks around.

 

I'm also with the group that says they've never brought something to dinner nor have I been raised to do that.....I'll keep that in mind. Probably just my age group and cultural.

 

I do find it very rude that she hasn't offered to pay...nor at LEAST said thank you.

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I don't know if I'd definitely say she is taking advantage - that implies conscious manipulation - but she is at least very ungracious and has bad manners ... enough to write her off, in my opinion.

I tend to agree with this assessment.

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She could be poor and not know how to cook. But she should at least say "thank you"

 

Give her some sort of test- see how she reacts to a date that does not require you spending money. Or wait and see if she will ask you on a date or ask you over to dinner or show some sort of nice gesture.

 

If she fails the test(s) then move on.

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