To see or not to see~help me make the right choice please!

[dstein]

Hi everyone. I am conflicted and I trust you all so I am asking for feedback. I have recently been in communication with my ex again, via email. I feel like I'm in deja-vu! Here's what happened 2 months ago:

 

 

 

Long story short, we were together 4 years, he moved out 11/30/08, I haven't seen him since mid-December in person. We've had spotty LC, the last run was about 4-5 weeks NC. I've had some of his things here since he left. There is a 3rd party (still, I believe) that lives overseas-they saw each other over a month ago and she has since gone home. No idea what is going on there.

 

Anyway, we were discussing logistical crap, and he mentioned it didn't "feel great" that I hadn't answered a question a week or so prior regarding my kids...WHAT?!? He gutted me, by the way! I said email was hard and disjointed, that I thought he was just being nice, blah blah and that I wasn't really sure how to have communication with him anyway. This was part of his response:

 

 

“I don't know how to communicate either or what I'm supposed to do either. It sucks. I'm trying to move forward and right now I don't know how to do that if we have much contact. Regarding my things, I could come get them. Could I come early this week? If you want to be there, I'd like to see you.”

 

Can you say mixed messages? Ok, so, contact is not good but you would like to see me? I had initially agreed, but now I'm rethinking. The fact of the matter is, it's wishy washy and until he says I WANT TO SEE YOU (even if he's not sure why) then I shouldn't agree, right? What do you guys think?

 

Remember, I post in GETTING BACK TOGETHER because I still love him. I'm healing and moving on the best I can over here.

 

THANK YOU!

[caro33]

I would really like to be all glowing about his desire to resume things with you, but having read this and the link you posted to your other thread, I am afraid that I don't think he wants to get back together, not in the sense you want. He still feels a special bond with you and he wants to feel good about himself as a good guy, but he's reasonably clear that he thinks the relationship - while easy to fall back into - does not meet his longer term/other needs.

 

It would seem that you guys have unfinished business in that getting stuff back admin sense and I think this needs to be wrapped up as soon as possible so that it's off the table as a means of holding on or of being misled. My suggestion is to have him collect his things as soon as you are able to have them for him, and for you to not be home. No further chats, nothing. Not unless he contacts you with no other reason, not unless he means it.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is tough, it's such a struggle. But it's not been that long for you, and the hurt will reduce. Not much help now I know.

[dstein]

Thanks. I think he may be feeling down right now, and knows on some level that I care deeply about him and how he's doing. His business is going belly up and Tuesday is 2 years since his father passed away suddenly. I know he isn't in the best place right now. He isn't even honest-he HAS moved on, he's not TRYING~he has been in a thing with someone else!!! I am clear that he isn't interested in a reconcilliation, I have just been trying to figure out if it's "time" to see him, if you know what I mean. Part of me hopes that it would let me know I'm done, but I think it is more like ripping off a scab.

 

I will have to see him in June regardless; we have mutual friends getting married. I mentioned his stuff to him eons ago. I think you are right-unless he decides he would like to see me for good reason, like making amends for some behavior or something real, I should avoid contact. He is probably seeking some validation/warm fuzzies/ego thing from me right now and he needs to get that from someone he didn't dump.

[caro33]

I think you are right, and you have your head straight with this. I would avoid seeing him if I was you. Hell, it's been over 7 years since my previous major relationship ended a bit like yours sounded (but there was no contact whatsoever), and here I am happily married, and know the ex was wrong for me, but I still would not want to see the ex, my heart would pound. I saw him on public transport once a few years ago and I couldn't breathe - and that's when I was well and truly "over" him.

 

I think that some people just have such a major impact on your life that it's fair enough to not be indifferent about seeing them again. They will always reflect that loss/pain/bad stuff you experienced, and that scab never truly goes away. All you can do is let it heal as best as you can and avoid the situations that bring it all back.