Anyone else not have many friends? Just left to dwell?

[Nikki88]

I think part of my problem is that I don't know a lot of people. My family is in another state....the friends that I have all either have kids or are married. No goes out and does things anymore because they can't afford it or have other obligations.

 

So, that leaves me to sit home every night and do nothing but think about my break up and feel depressed. I am shy and have anxiety so I am not one to go out and do things on my own. It's hard for me to make friends because of this. I am not really sure what my options are but I am going crazy sitting here by myself every night after work and on weekends.

 

Can anyone relate? Any suggestions?

 

TIA,

Nikki

[LemonCheesecak]

I can definitely relate. I went from having a huge circle of friends who were always willing to do stuff to having only a close few, more or less overnight. Like you said, all my friends either have obligations with their current girlfriends/boyfriends, or have worked their way into a new circle of people and almost act as if they're too good for us, have no money, the list goes on and on. As a result I've been spending most of my time since the breakup alone, online, listening to music etc.

 

But in the last month or so I've been making a real effort to get in touch with older friends I slipped out of close contact with and its worked out really positively! People are actually inviting me to nights out etc now. I'm also trying to spend my time alone constructively through writing music, getting back into shape, studying (haha see how low a priority that takes etc.

 

Just know you're not the only one. This is often a topic of discussion between me and my best friend! It just seems to have come from nowhere and has been amplified all the more by a breakup.

[ellandroader]

Hey there,

 

I am in the same boat as you entirely. I have very few quality friends and none of them live here in this state. I am from overseas so they reside back home, where the time difference makes it harder to talk on top. I too have Social Anxiety/Phobia which I have been addressing, but yeah, the last couple of months in particular have been very difficult as I don't have those people to help keep me distracted.

 

With your shyness/anxiety, have you undertaken any measures to address it? This would help you first and foremost. I did that and then got the confidence to go out and restart my life again, to an extent anyhow.

[Nikki88]

Thank you for replying. I am in therapy and I am on meds for my anxiety, but it's a long road. I have struggled with it for so many years that it's kind of embedded in my brain. A good example is I went to the gym the other day by myself...this was huge for me. But after about 20 minutes the anxiety overtook me and I had to leave. I know it's a start, but it still upsets me that I couldn't get through a work out.

 

I would love to just go to a coffee shop and read but I am too worried about what people would think seeing me sitting there alone, ya know? I have this fear of livin the rest of my life alone and it's scary!

 

It's really comforting to hear there are people in the same boat. My close friends are out of state as well. I would LOVE to go back but I share a child with my x (not the most recent) and I can't go back home without leaving my son behind....he is my world, I could never dream of that. The days are have him are so wonderful. But we have 50/50 custody and the days with out him are so lonely.

[journeynow]

Nikki,

 

I know how hard it can be. (I used to be shy and anxious, but have begun to grow out of it, since making an extremely outgoing friend.) Can you suggest a "girls night out" to your married friends? Include people you don't know well, they may be in the same boat as you? Or ask your friends with children to join you for a walk, or picnic at the park, or go bowling, so that they can have fun and get out without stressing about childcare? Don't get discouraged if they say no, try again another time. Go to all the free or inexpensive things happening in your area, take classes or workshops, just as an experiment for yourself to explore new territory. Consider everyone potential friends, and imagine the fun you'll have when meet and find common interests. Good luck, and don't get discouraged.

[WomanWriter]

I have a couple good friends but am finding I don't have much in common with them anymore. My best friend is married and likes spending time with her husband (who wouldn't?) and my other good friend is a party girl (I'm not).

 

Also, with the married friend, I'm finding I just don't click with her the same way anymore. She is not very personal (which is weird since she claims I'm her best friend). We've never shared really deep things. I've probably shared more with you on here than I have with her because she likes to make jokes out of things.

 

My ex was the best friend I ever had. I have to say he was a great comfort, took me seriously (too seriously, unfortunately), and liked to analyze things unlike my best female friend.

 

I have a hard time meeting new people in "real life." When I'm around people, I get along great, but it's hard to just go talk to someone out of the blue.

[journeynow]

It's not quite the same as what you are asking about, but for awhile I attended an anxiety/phobia support group, and it was friendly and supportive. Folks shared tips that helped them through tough spells, and we could joke about it with each other and feel relaxed about our difficulties. You might check into your local hospitals to see if support groups of various kinds meet there.

[canali]

I feel the loneliness too and often lately KNOW that a LARGE part of my health and ongoing strength will be in making a better social support network....it is KEY KEY KEY...think about it HONESTLY: alot of us overinvest

in our relationship so when it goes * * * * up we're devastated...I've heard from a gal friend that it is common for many women to ditch their friends upon finding a guy (what to ''rescue'' you from your loneliness?...sheesh!)...

 

I'm not denying loneliness is real and hard (especially when we need it most)

but we have to MAKE SOME EFFORT to GET OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE, don't think so much before a social gig and ''just do it!''....the more you get out there the easier it becomes and the more our ''fears'' we realize are just that: fearful THOUGHTS and not reality.

 

link removed has lots of activities ...have you tried them?

[journeynow]

I've been wondering about link removed. I don't know anyone who has tried it and I was wondering how safe would it be to meet someone online to go hiking or canoeing with, which is what I want to do more of. Probably would be safer for indoor activities in public areas...

[canali]

you don't meet someone on line...it's as huge as anything...lots of people just like you (wanting to make more friends/freshly separated) wanting to meet and have some social company...it's huge here in vancouver bc where i live

 

also what helped me were susan jeffers' two good books:

'feel the fear and do it anyway' and 'embracing uncertainty'' good to have around when you're in a 'rut' or need to move outside of your comfort zone and realize it's a GOOD THING.

 

actually it on a meetup gig that I met my ex.

I had at the time been dating heavily on plenty of fish (around 20-30 dates...was lucky nice people but nothing as per a click)...then joined meetup to just meet people and have fun being casual...met my ex on a very rainy hike with about 20 people...went to a pub afterwords, had fun, some talk...then I called her up and the rest was history for the next 22 months...

 

I've been wondering about link removed. I don't know anyone who has tried it and I was wondering how safe would it be to meet someone online to go hiking or canoeing with, which is what I want to do more of. Probably would be safer for indoor activities in public areas...

[Struggling23]

I did then my ex fiancee made me give them up because I wasnt spending more time with her yes I was a idiot. Then when she cheated and left I was alone until i reconnected with a childhood friend we started to date she duped me now im back all alone shrugs.

[Aeryn]

I can relate. Gosh, back in high school things were great...I had plenty of friends. I had people to go to lunch with every single day, girlfriends to talk to on the phone each night, etc.

 

Around graduation time/right after graduation, things began going downhill. All of my friends either 1) moved; 2) had a child; 3) got married; 4) a combination of all of those.

 

My three best girlfriends... one is a newly-wed with a baby on the way, and she must ask her husbands permission to do anything, which he rarely gives her his acceptance. The other works full-time, because she is now a single mom to two boys, so she has no time whatsoever. The other, she's a single mom to a girl...her and the ex-hubby finalized their divorce recently, we rarely have time for each other, and when we do get together I just find that I have NOTHING in common with her anymore.

 

I had a cousin who I was best friends with, but she got mad at me for no apparent reason...and I haven't spoke to her in over a year now.

 

Family...my family is very much male-dominated, and most of my family is older, so I don't have many people in the family I can talk to on a regular basis.

 

 

I really am alone. I'm shy, but I've come out of my shell A LOT over the past couple of years. Since the split, I've been trying my best to get a group of friends...I've met a few people I get along with, but they just aren't the type I can talk to or do things with. They are a bore.