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Most confusing relationship ever, will I ever get her back? Will we ever be able to be happy?


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It's been a few months since I've posted about the break up on here. I actually moved to the Healing After Breaking Up forum for a while then to the Dating forum. But I'm back. Again.


It's been 3.5 months since we've been broken up. We were together for a little over two years and for the last few months we were living together. Our relationship has been off an on during those times with a 2 other break ups occurring before this. The first break up lasting 3 months and the break up after that lasting a little over a month.


During this last break up we've been NC for most of the time, we talked and ended up having sex during the week of her birthday (she contacted me) and then we went a month without speaking again and most recently ended up talking again yesterday.


Both times she has spoken with me it's the same thing. She says she loves me, she can't get over me, she still thinks about me all the time, but she is not ready to be with me again, that she fears that things would just end up being the same all over again and I agree with her that at this time if we ended up getting back together that things might be good for a little while but that eventually she'd just break up with me again.


We both have lots of growing up to do and I've finally come to the conclusion that we can't do it together. This is the conclusion she came to a long time ago when she first originally broke up with me.


There is another guy in the picture. The thing is, is that I don't think that he is what is standing in the way of me and her being happy. Sure, he has been her fall to guy every time we break up, but she has never committed to him, I think he's a distraction for her and she told me herself the other that that she'll imagine that it's me that is next to her sleeping "but it's not you, it's someone else and I don't want someone else"


She'll still tell me that I'm the only person she's ever wanted to have babies with, buy a house with and grow up with, and when she thinks about growing up that I'm the only person she can see herself growing up with.


Then she'll turn around and say that things are too damaged for us to work out. Or that our friends and family would never accept us as a couple and we are doomed to never be happy together.


Or she'll say that she wants US to happen, just not now, not yet, that there is too much hurt and she needs time to heal from our past relationship before we can start a new one.


The other guy knows about me obviously, but he has no idea that she is talking to me or that we've had sex recently.


Yesterday, the most recent time we hung out, we talked, we cried, we eat and had a good time. Everything was going good. She slept in my bed and she made me promise not to have sex with her, that she wasn't ready for that yet. Well, I was just planning on going to sleep when she starts moving my hands accross her body and her face and she turns around from us spooning to facing me. We end up drying humping, making out and eventually she ends up masturbating and telling me to talk dirty to her. I could of had sex with her, but I promised not to. Then at the end when she was finishing the deed I went down on her as she was orgasming, I probably only touched her down there for a total of like 10-15 seconds. She was fine until she recovered from the orgasm and then she was pissed at me for not respecting her or her body.


I don't know what I did wrong, I only had good intentions as I wasn't expecting anything in return at all. She told me something to the effect that she didn't want to feel like a * * * * * every time we hung out. Maybe she feels guilty about her own actions (doing stuff with the other guy possibly and then doing stuff with me the next day) and is projecting those feelings onto me?


We slept, cuddled off and on through the night.


She left in the morning, wearing the shirt I gave her to sleep in and all she said was "Goodbye, I'll see you later"


No hug, no kiss, nothing.


I don't know if I pushed her away last night, or if she is just super confused and doesn't know what she wants.


I've tried to date, I've gone on dates during this last alone time, I've slept with another girl, made out with other girls, but none if it compares to her at all. Nothing comes close.


I'm terribly addicted to her and all I want is to have her back sooner or later. I don't know when the next time we will talk is or the next time we will see each other. I made a comment about not seeing her until June 1 2010 (a stupid date that we jokingly set up to get back together, we even shook on it) and she told me not to be stupid, that of course we will see each other much sooner than that.


I don't know if its possible to get this girl back and actually keep her.


I feel like we obviously love each other but that there's always been something in the way, and maybe we do need time. But I don't know how much longer I can remain in this purgatory.

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