My boyfriend went soft during sex this weekend...

[jh1581]

After waiting for a while, my bf and I started being intimate and have been for about a month and a half. At first, the sex was pretty quick (~15 minutes..which to me, isn't THAT quick) which was to be expected because we had waited a while and had lots of chemistry. Plus, he hadn't been in a relationship for a really long time and thus hadn't had sex in a while. He did mention that he usually can last a long time, which after the first couple of times, he did.

 

A little background info about him: He's an officer in the military, 28 years old, really into fitness, works out about 6 days a week, is in GREAT shape, and eats a very very healthy diet. Since we've been intimate, he often wants to know if I like it when he lasts long, which position do I like the best, etc.....basically just wanting to know how to satisfy me. He injured his arm in January, had surgery on it, and just recently has been able to lift weights again with his upper body after not doing so since the injury. He's taking an intense language course right now and has his final oral test in 2 weeks.

 

This past Friday, we had a couple of drinks at home (he had whiskey on the rocks) then had sex a little later that night. After about 40 minutes, he lost his erection. We both attributed it to his having a couple of drinks. I gave him oral which resulted in his having an orgasm.

 

We had sex again later in the weekend. After going for about 25 minutes, he lost his erection again. I tried to bring him to orgasm so he could "finish" by giving him oral since the sex wasn't doing it. I could tell he was enjoying it, but after getting hard again, he went soft about 5 minutes later. I could tell he was frustrated and he said this time, he lost it because he was thinking about it too hard.

 

I asked him if maybe it was me. He said that it definitely wasn't. That he felt bad because he didn't want me thinking that I wasn't attractive to him or that I didn't turn him on because that definitely wasn't the case. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him. I tried to make him feel better and told him that nothing was wrong with him.

 

He said that it fluctuates with him because sometimes, he just can't orgasm. He said that he thinks it has something to do with testosterone levels and the fact that he's working out his upper body again. He said once, when he got back from one of his deployments from overseas, he couldn't reach orgasm for about a month.

 

I know he's been under stress lately, but I'm a little concerned. He said it could be because of working out his upper body after not doing it in so long (he's continued to work out his lower body and abs), but from what I've researched, working out and eating right usually makes a man have MORE stamina and improves his ability to sustain an erection.

 

He's only 28, but could he have erectile dysfunction? I know personally what it's to feel pressure when it comes to orgasms during sex so I don't want him to feel that way. I was thinking maybe just not having sex for a while to take the pressure off and focus on enjoying each other in aother ways for a while.

 

Has this happened to anyone else? What do you all think I should do? And any thoughts on possible causes?

 

Thanks!

J

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's probably not either of you. 40 minutes followed by a 25 minute session? That's a long time.

 

Him going soft is to be expected. Don't worry.

[yumicecream]

Porn addiction.

[vermilion]

It was the alcohol that did it. That and stress too probably. Don't worry so much.

[live.ur.life]

tried to bring him to orgasm so he could "finish" by giving him oral since the sex wasn't doing it. I could tell he was enjoying it, but after getting hard again, he went soft about 5 minutes later. I could tell he was frustrated and he said this time, he lost it because he was thinking about it too hard.

 

Just because he didn't have an orgasm, doesn't mean that he didn't enjoy the sex. Maybe he was tired or like he said, just thinking too much. A lot of people, especially the younger adults, people my age, seem to think that sex is all about coming to an orgasm. Orgasms are great! and feel absolutely amazing, but SEX is more intimate than that. Everyone is different though. I love spending time with my SO and massaging him and feeling his body and just enjoying him. It relaxes me to do those things before we head straight for the nitty gritty.

[jh1581]

Porn addiction.

 

 

Definitely NOT porn addiction. My ex was addicted to porn and rarely even wanted to have sex with me. So I've dealt with someone who was addicted to porn. My current boyfriend doesn't even masturbate that often so I'm sure it's not because of porn.

[jh1581]

It's probably not either of you. 40 minutes followed by a 25 minute session? That's a long time.

 

Him going soft is to be expected. Don't worry.

 

 

Good point. But the two sessions were a couple of days apart.

 

I feel like he thinks that he needs to last a long time in order for me to enjoy it, but that's not the case. I guess it could be that he's so worried about lasting a long time that he starts thinking about it too hard when it doesn't happen after a while.

[Nixee]

Honestly, I highly doubt this is typical ED rearing its head at his age but if he is really concerned and it continues to be a problem, he sould consider talking to his doctor or seeing a urologist for diagnostic testing.

 

He could also consider talking to a counselor, as it sounds like he is a very busy and active person who puts a lot of pressure on himself, and this can lead to stress. Stress, in turn, can very easily lead to erectile problems. In fact, in guys this age, I think it is the most common cause of erectile issues... so I'm betting that is all that is happening.

 

Pressure begets pressure begets pressure.

 

The best thing you can do is be reassuring and supportive to him. Don't focus so much on the sex, or how long it has to last, most definitely. And be there for him if he wants to talk about it. Make note if things improve after his intense language course ends or any other stresses in his life are lifted.

[jh1581]

I completely understand what you're saying. I've been with someone in the past who made me feel like something was wrong with me if I didn't orgasm during sex. I always told him it's about the journey, not the destination but my "failure" to orgasm became the center of our relationship (along with his porn addiction which made me feel even more incompetent) and caused sooo many problems. I wouldn't want ANYONE to feel the way my ex made me feel.

 

I guess it's a reverse situation where it's him not orgasming instead of me. It just concerns me because rarely do men NOT have orgasms during sex (I could be wrong....men, chime in here if I am...). This is the first time I've been with someone who didn't reach orgasm. Usually it's women who have a more difficult time (me included) because of our sexual anatomy.

[live.ur.life]

Good point. But the two sessions were a couple of days apart.

 

I feel like he thinks that he needs to last a long time in order for me to enjoy it, but that's not the case. I guess it could be that he's so worried about lasting a long time that he starts thinking about it too hard when it doesn't happen after a while.

 

When you guys are having sex, do you question him about how long you want him to last? Or do you talk about anything other than "Sex" and what sex entails (hair pulling, smack my a**, pull my hair)??? Maybe he doesn't like bedroom chit chat?? lol

[1MoreChance]

I totally agree. I could be off of course, but what came to mind several times, when I was reading the original post, was how it seems to be a performance anxiety related issue. I mean, he is doing this, stressed about that, studying for his exam, learning a new language (intensive right?), working on his upper body, etc etc

just sounds like he could be a guy who is stressed, has high expectations, and a hard time relaxing.

It's no biggie (no pun intended, sorry lol) if he doesn't come, really, just try to relax together and lighten up (not meant out of disrespect, really).

[live.ur.life]

I completely understand what you're saying. I've been with someone in the past who made me feel like something was wrong with me if I didn't orgasm during sex. I always told him it's about the journey, not the destination but my "failure" to orgasm became the center of our relationship (along with his porn addiction which made me feel even more incompetent) and caused sooo many problems. I wouldn't want ANYONE to feel the way my ex made me feel.

 

I guess it's a reverse situation where it's him not orgasming instead of me. It just concerns me because rarely do men NOT have orgasms during sex (I could be wrong....men, chime in here if I am...). This is the first time I've been with someone who didn't reach orgasm. Usually it's women who have a more difficult time (me included) because of our sexual anatomy.

 

Pfff, Oh yeah. He might have been tired. Also, is he on any medication that would cause him to have sexual side effects? How old is he? There are so many different reasons as to why he fell tired. The solution to you answer is that you will never know & you will rack your brain even trying to figure out what the problem was. If it happens again, maybe he could benefit from viagra?

[jh1581]

When you guys are having sex, do you question him about how long you want him to last? Or do you talk about anything other than "Sex" and what sex entails (hair pulling, smack my a**, pull my hair)??? Maybe he doesn't like bedroom chit chat?? lol

 

 

LoL. I don't question him about how long he lasts at all. I just do my usual moaning, "yessss", etc when it's feeling really good, lol.

 

He's actually more of a talker during sex than I originally thought he would be. He doesn't say things in too much detail though. Just if it feels good and a few more dirty phrases, lol.

 

He was actually the one who questioned me about whether or not I like it when he lasts a long time. I told him that I did, but I enjoy quickies too and that length of time doesn't really matter a whole lot to me.

[girl68]

Porn addiction.

 

LOL, there was nothing here that suggests anything even close to this. Don't come in making assumptions such as this.

 

It happens! And I like him can't stay wet nor will I cum if I think about it too hard.

[jh1581]

I totally agree. I could be off of course, but what came to mind several times, when I was reading the original post, was how it seems to be a performance anxiety related issue. I mean, he is doing this, stressed about that, studying for his exam, learning a new language (intensive right?), working on his upper body, etc etc

just sounds like he could be a guy who is stressed, has high expectations, and a hard time relaxing.

It's no biggie (no pun intended, sorry lol) if he doesn't come, really, just try to relax together and lighten up (not meant out of disrespect, really).

 

No offense taken I do feel like he's a little uptight sometimes. Thank you!

[jh1581]

LOL, there was nothing here that suggests anything even close to this. Don't come in making assumptions such as this.

 

It happens! And I like him can't stay wet nor will I cum if I think about it too hard.

 

 

 

With regard to staying wet, I can totally relate to that...sooooo true!

[live.ur.life]

No offense taken I do feel like he's a little uptight sometimes. Thank you!

 

see, we're finding solutions... lol.....

[jh1581]

So how do you get someone who's readily admitted that they're a type A personality to relax a little more often? I don't know if he can see how it's affecting him now and possibly in the longterm.

 

Maybe that's a question for another forum, lol..........

[1MoreChance]

So how do you get someone who's readily admitted that they're a type A personality to relax a little more often? I don't know if he can see how it's affecting him now and possibly in the longterm.

 

Maybe that's a question for another forum, lol..........

 

start with soft lighting, soft music, and deep breathing, massage, caressing each other with no emphasis on climbing up to orgasm, keep focusing on the breath... believe me, you'll stay wet lol! and I hope it helps him too

[live.ur.life]

So how do you get someone who's readily admitted that they're a type A personality to relax a little more often? I don't know if he can see how it's affecting him now and possibly in the longterm.

 

Maybe that's a question for another forum, lol..........

 

Umm. I have dealt with trying to change a man and let me tell ya, it don't work.

 

I wouldn't try to necessarily make him open up, I would put him in situations where he feels more comfortable. In the longterm, if you think that he is the one for you, than just accept his personality for what it is. If he does things to annoy you, like not opening up to other people etc, etc, than let it slide off your shoulder. You can still be yourself and be open to others. If there are things that he doesn't feel comfortable doing, just accept it and let it roll off your shoulder. Ultimately, he will change as he grows and experiences more in life, like having children, a family, etc.

 

I'm just jibbering on....don't mind me..

[itsallgrand]

I was thinking maybe just not having sex for a while to take the pressure off and focus on enjoying each other in aother ways for a while.

 

That would be the route I would personally go. Not necessarily not having sex if it comes about , but taking it easy and having some fun together as the first priority.

 

If he's one of those people that seems to push push push himself (sounds like it) and has a lot of stress on the go at any one time, it's really not surprising that it catches up with him every now and again.

[bmwm3]

is he stressed or have a lot on his mind....

[diabolik]

He said that he thinks it has something to do with testosterone levels and the fact that he's working out his upper body again.

I call BS on this. When I'm working out, I am even more of a horny goat than when I'm not.

 

It's not you. If you had gained 50 lbs since you started dating, well then that could be an issue.

 

Just hold off on sex to take the pressure off him. At some point, he'll get so horny, he'll just jump you. Maybe after that performance he'll break through whatever psychological block is starting to form (I write 'starting' b/c this isn't a real issue yet - there are threads by guys who are having this problem with some regularity).

[jh1581]

I call BS on this. When I'm working out, I am even more of a horny goat than when I'm not.

 

It's not you. If you had gained 50 lbs since you started dating, well then that could be an issue.

 

Just hold off on sex to take the pressure off him. At some point, he'll get so horny, he'll just jump you. Maybe after that performance he'll break through whatever psychological block is starting to form (I write 'starting' b/c this isn't a real issue yet - there are threads by guys who are having this problem with some regularity).

 

That's what I thought too. Working out regularly is supposed to increase one's sex drive. Not the opposite. I've read articles where working out is recommended for overweight men who have problems maintaining an erection. So I know now that that's def not the cause as well.

 

It seems like it's probably more psychological to me as well. I think it'll be a good idea to not have sex for a while too to take the pressure off. At least until this is no longer an issue. Nip it in the bud before it gets worse so to speak.

[yellow_sweater]

That's what I thought too. Working out regularly is supposed to increase one's sex drive. Not the opposite. I've read articles where working out is recommended for overweight men who have problems maintaining an erection. So I know now that that's def not the cause as well.

 

It seems like it's probably more psychological to me as well. I think it'll be a good idea to not have sex for a while too to take the pressure off. At least until this is no longer an issue. Nip it in the bud before it gets worse so to speak.

 

15 minutes is adequate... sheesh, my boyfriend lasts 15 SECONDS. ;-) Now, that is a problem.

 

I personally think you're making a (small) mountain out of a molehill. I have been with guys who will get a little softer, then a little harder, then a little softer again... it seems completely normal, in my opinion. Because of that, I don't think there's anything to be "nipped," bud or not. I wouldn't do anything at all in response to him going soft. The more attention you put on this--including withholding/ avoiding sex--the more self-conscious he's going to be, and the more likely he'll go soft again.

 

As my boyfriend and I have become more and more intimate, he's started talking about his sexual concerns and insecurities... it's taken months for us to get to this stage, and all of our discussions and decisions have been initiated by him. It kills me a little, as I'm usually a take-charge type of lady, but in my experience, men are VERY sensitive about their sexual performance, and the fastest way to make things worse is to make them feel inadequate in any way. I would wait and see how things go before making any decisions about what to do... this problem might resolve on its own... and if it doesn't, I think it's best for your boyfriend to initiate addressing it.

 

I hope that helps!

YS