Becoming 'Comfortable'

[teknoise]

So, my gf and I were having a discussion the other day about our relationship.

 

It comes out that she describes our relationship as 'comfortable'. She's happy, but comfortable. She's not great at vocalizing her feelings, and this was about as much as I could get out of her. I'm a little put off by the comment, I suppose having a wonderful relationship where we still get butterflies over each other is a bit unrealistic, but at only 1.5 years in, 'comfortable' is a little too close sounding to boring.

 

We live together, have been together for 1.5 years now, had some rough periods of intense fighting about 6 months ago that has since passed, aren't exactly a hotbed of lust and passion anymore, and are quite obviously slipping into long-term-living-together type territory if you know what I mean. Having been married before I know what its like.

 

Am I taking this comment too personally? Should I work at becoming 'comfortable' as well? How would you guys take to hearing that comment from your SO? Would it upset you? Would you think its a good thing?

 

I kinda miss the amount of passion we had before, miss having sex more than once a week, but I do like the security of having a beautiful girl who we share a deep connection albeit lacking in certain areas.

 

I DO want to spend a long time with her. But I want to keep interested, and if things are the way they are now, I'm not sure that 5 years from now I'll be okay with what could potentially be a very dry relationship.

 

I really don't want to take off on this girl. We both very obviously love each other a lot, the long term real kind of love. We've gotten over a pretty rough patch that we put a lot of sweat and tears into fixing. She means a lot to me. But I can see myself becoming, if not eventually bored, at least bitter about the imbalance in desires for one another.

 

Any advice, comments, insight, etc is very much appreciated.

[Gratsy]

I don't think anything is wrong with comfortable. But she could have meant that she didn't think you guys had the passion...you'd have to ask her. If she can't communicate, the relationship is doomed.

[girl68]

Yes you are too worked up about it.

 

Think of it as how different people define comfortable. You think it's negative. I think it's positive.

 

Comfortable to me means: a guy who loves me even when I wake up with snot hanging out of my nose, a guy who I can come home to and not feel like I have to impress by doing x,y and z. It's a situation where I'm prefectly content where I am and who I'm with. That is what comfortable means to me.

 

What you're talking about it the loss of spice in your relationship. Has she gotten lazy? Does she stop doing things for you.

 

And yes, over time the passion fades but at that point a joint effort must be made to keep it alive.

[Ac143]

Depends how she defines comfortable. When I think comfortable & I am comfortable with my SO. I know we reached a certain level in our relationship that its not ONLY passion and lush but real love. No matter what he will be there etc...

 

Do you guys still go out on dates? Vacations? Buy each other small gifts, etc?

[faithful14]

i don't think comfortable is a bad thing...but you're not okay with it. If you're worried the relationship is getting stale, why don't you guys try new activities together? Try something different than what you usually would do, something that would challenge you both.

[Ms Darcy]

I actually think it's a great sign that you are being proactive about this.

 

Instead of feeling worried, get proactive. What does comfortable mean to her? Does it mean boring? Does it mean passionless? Ask her specific, direct questions that can help her communicate a little better.

 

Additionally, take this as a reminder. You can create romance in little ways every week. Surprise her with a romantic date. Take her to plays or a weekend vacation. Leave her a romantic note on her pillow. Send her flowers at work. Put in the effort and you will most likely reap a reward. The point here isn't to get her to do anything in particular (ie to be more physically affectionate or whatnot); it's to let her know you love her. I think that naturally encourages a reciprocal expression that will leave you both feeling comfortable and passionate as well.

 

I do wonder about the communication issue. I would put a yellow/red flag on that. You NEED effective communication in any long term relationship. As time goes on, you two might consider couples therapy - especially while things are good - as a relationship maintainence tool for the long run.

[teknoise]

Hey, thanks for all the replies!

 

Yes.. I guess I am being a little negative, and yes I do view it in a negative light.

 

Doing some thinking I have a feeling why. A few of my issues with her are the same issues my exwife had with me in my last significant relationship. In that I was a bit lazy, selfish, didn't try my hardest to keep the passion, wasn't all that interested sexually as I could have been, and just got extremely comfortable, knowing she'd be around forever when in reality she was getting increasingly put off by my comfort level and I was perhaps not being introspective enough to realize that my willingness to adapt easily allowed me to be comfortable in a relationship that I was actually starting to get bored of (how's that for a run-on sentence!). I certainly wasn't a neglectful husband, but it was pretty rare I'd show up with flowers or take her out. Eventually she cheated and walked. And that was that!

 

Lesson learned. Now I guess Karma is biting me in the ass (I'm kidding, I don't believe in karma), because the tables have turned! I'm not smothering her, but I do make a point of keeping the romance alive and actively working on maintaining a good relationship. I just randomly bought her flowers for her to find when I went away for the weekend last week. I took her to a see a comedian she really likes a few weeks back, I'm taking her for dinner tomorrow, in all liklihood for lobster. She's not the sweet romantic type so I never get any girly romantic things from her. Ever. She certainly likes receiving things though. I can live with that, but some reciprocation would be nice.

 

I try to stay on top of keeping things interesting in the bedroom, but there also things have just kinda slowed waaay down. Once a week, maybe twice, for being in our mid-20s and only having dated for 1.5 years is not much, and not something I can be happy with or comfortable with even. Since its slowly decreasing it stands to reason that someday it will be once or twice a month. I'd hate to leave a girl just for that reason alone, but I can't hack that. I've tried basically everything as well, and its apparent shes just comfortable. She can't fake passion and its hard to pull out of thin air. She's also consistently stressed due to our living conditions, her school, and the stress of raising her son from a former relationship on her own. A son that is a lot more work than most kids. So I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. But I've tried so many different things to fix that, change up the timing, try new things, letting her come to me, backing off, try more romantic options, buying her lingerie (which she wore only twice). And I've certainly tried talking to her about it. She maintains that its just who she is, and its what she is comfortable with. I don't bring it up anymore though as she gets pretty defensive about it. Its frustrating, and that lack of intimacy is definitely a window into the bigger picture of our relationship.

 

There are things that are outside of our control. We live in a busy household with roommates that means less privacy, more mess, and more chaos. We both have kids from previous relationships. We both are getting out of debt. So we are stressed and aren't exactly free spirits.

 

What worries me is that I find myself really questioning whether I want to settle down. I am starting to wonder if things would be better for me if we went our separate ways. I really don't want to but I'm not sold on the idea of being stuck with one person who doesn't blow me away. I know, comfort comes along and things get pretty routine, but maybe what this means is that I'm not yet ready for another long term relationship. Maybe being on my own for a while, or having a few relationships to get better perspective of who I want to be with, is not a bad idea.

 

I can see myself in the position my ex was in with me. I don't see myself cheating, as I never have before, but that desire for passion can drive people to do pretty stupid things. Luckily I have self control.