17 wants sleep overs at guys house

[coastalgirl]

My daughter moved out of my house to live with her Dad as she didn't like my rules. She tried it for a month but then decided she wanted to move home.

She is 17, just.

 

While she was at her Dads she slept over at her boyfriends apartment. He is 19, has roommates and has a drinking problem according to her friends.

 

This is totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion. The guy never takes her out, she usually goes there late on a weekend night and hangs out and party's.

 

My ex tells me I need to let go that she is almost an adult and will do it anyway, behind our backs. I don't agree. I feel he is letting her do whatever she wants.

 

She wants to move back home and I told her of course but while she is living with me she cannot have sleep over's at this guys house. I can't stop her from going there but no sleep overs. She started crying and said all her friends are allowed to. I am the only out of touch parent I guess.

 

I will not compromise my value system for her and told her that. So, she says she will stay at her Dads. She is stubborn and even though she would rather live with me, she won't go by my rules.

 

What do others think, am I being unreasonable. I thought about going to counselling as she has other stuff going on but she says NO!

 

K.

[jengh]

Totally unacceptable!!! I think you're completely correct in instilling these rules upon her. Your house, your rules. I wouldn't think any parent would want their 17yr old daughter spending the night at her older boyfriend's house! Eek!!

[jul-els]

You're doing what any responsible parent would do. Don't second guess yourself.

[velvette]

my mom allows me to live with my older boyfriend. I was 18, he was 19. we're in college, an hour's drive away from home. she even helped me find an apartment with him. but that's because she trusts me, and so I do my part to keep her trust. I'm not going to get pregnant/drink/party. haven't even had sex yet, although I know she'd approve as long as I went about it safely.

 

I really do think she'd do it behind your back anyway, you have to talk to her and ask why she wants to do this etc. using parental authority now will just make her disobey you, resent you, and push you away. you are her parent, you probably DO know what's best for her, but she, as I, believes herself to be an adult. so treat her as such! communicate.

[dragon lady]

I was in a very similar situation when I was 16. I moved in with my dad when my mom moved away and I didn't want to go with her. Very soon after I started seeing a guy who was 2 years older. My dad met him and flipped out because he thought I was too young. I started going behind his back to see my boyfriend. I would lie and say I was staying at a friend's house or I would sneak him into my house without him knowing. I kept the lying up for 3 years until I moved out of home.

 

I'm not saying you should just let her do it, but she is right in that she will find a way to see him anyway. Unless you keep her locked up every night, there is no stopping her.

[Qut81]

Funny, I was just talking about this.

I used to cry all the time that my mom was unfair, none of my other friends had curfews or the restrictions I had. I even told my mother that she was sooooo unfair and awful. (I feel so bad now)

At 27, those same friends are either on serious drugs, a housefull of kids, or still living in their parents basement. Rules are there for a reason, to promote discipline, respect, and responsibility. Boundaries are necessary for children.

[FarthestEdge]

I back you 100%.

 

If she doesn't like your rules, she has other options. Every choice has its price. She has to decide which one she is willing to pay.

 

Hold your ground

[Qut81]

My mom was very smart. If I lied and said I was sleeping at a friends house, she would call their parents. I couldnt sneak out cause she was a light sleeper. I did have to stay with relatives sometimes, and they let me do whatever. Thats when I hit my true rebellion. Its nice to know that my mom cared enough about me to at least TRY to set some boundaries. She always said, "I am not your friend, I am your mother"

 

Let her go out in the real world and see if she has a problem with your rules then.

[FarthestEdge]

I was in a very similar situation when I was 16. I moved in with my dad when my mom moved away and I didn't want to go with her. Very soon after I started seeing a guy who was 2 years older. My dad met him and flipped out because he thought I was too young. I started going behind his back to see my boyfriend. I would lie and say I was staying at a friend's house or I would sneak him into my house without him knowing. I kept the lying up for 3 years until I moved out of home.

 

I'm not saying you should just let her do it, but she is right in that she will find a way to see him anyway. Unless you keep her locked up every night, there is no stopping her.

 

If the daughter lies, it's her cross to bear.

If mom allows it, it shifts the moral burden to her.

 

Mom is under no obligation to ignore her own moral code. On the contrary, as parents, we have an obligation to adhere to our moral code as strictly as possible. Allowing her to do it sends the message it's ok.

[stingray]

I back you completely as well on this one! I wouldn't even ask my girlfriend to sleepover cause I would respect her mom too much.

[rosephase]

She is already doing it. As someone who was having sex at 16 with a partner I loved and have never regretted having, I would say you are pushing her away. I would sit down with her and have the safe sex talk, talk about birth control, tell her your worries about this guy she is dating. Try to treat her like an adult, it's what she wants. Tell her that you are worried.

 

Tell her why you don't want her spending the night, tell her you will pick her put if she is drunk or can't find a ride.

 

But the truth is she is already doing it, and it sounds like nothing bad has happened (yet) because of it. She feels she isn't making any mistakes and she hears you saying she is wrong. That is hard when it's coming from a parent.

[Lamprey]

You're doing the right thing here. However, I feel that when a girl makes up her mind to get on her back, there's no stopping her - she'll find a way. So make sure she understands how important it is to carry her own protection around rather than rely on a boy.

[FarthestEdge]

She is already doing it. As someone who was having sex at 16 with a partner I loved and have never regretted having, I would say you are pushing her away. I would sit down with her and have the safe sex talk, talk about birth control, tell her your worries about this guy she is dating. Try to treat her like an adult, it's what she wants. Tell her that you are worried.

 

Tell her why you don't want her spending the night, tell her you will pick her put if she is drunk or can't find a ride.

 

But the truth is she is already doing it, and it sounds like nothing bad has happened (yet) because of it. She feels she isn't making any mistakes and she hears you saying she is wrong. That is hard when it's coming from a parent.

 

Just because she is already doing it, doesn't mean mom should be an enthusiastic enabler. I agree with the points you raised about the talk (birth control etc), but mom has the right to say, "Whatever you are doing, I can't, as your mother, condone and encourage it by allowing you to spend the night at his house. My conscience won't allow me to do that. I am your mother, and I love you too much to ignore my own morals for the sake of being popular with you"

[dragon lady]

At 27, those same friends are either on serious drugs, a housefull of kids, or still living in their parents basement.

 

This doesn't describe me in any way. I'm drug-free, never want kids and I'm living away from home.

 

I kept things hidden from my dad because he refused to trust me. Ultimately, this lack of trust destroyed our relationship and we no longer talk. If he had been reasonable and let me be with my boyfriend, then I wouldn't have had to do anything behind his back. He used to call my friends' parents too, but it was common for us to start at one house and end up at another later in the night (smallish neighborhood).

[KG]

Just because she is already doing it, doesn't mean mom should be an enthusiastic enabler. I agree with the points you raised about the talk (birth control etc), but mom has the right to say, "Whatever you are doing, I can't, as your mother, condone and encourage it by allowing you to spend the night at his house. My conscience won't allow me to do that. I am your mother, and I love you too much to ignore my own morals for the sake of being popular with you"

 

Great way to put it! Kudos!

[dragon lady]

If the daughter lies, it's her cross to bear.

If mom allows it, it shifts the moral burden to her.

 

Mom is under no obligation to ignore her own moral code. On the contrary, as parents, we have an obligation to adhere to our moral code as strictly as possible. Allowing her to do it sends the message it's ok.

 

I have no problem lying to an unreasonable person if it helps keep them grounded.

[greywolf]

OP: totally with you on this one. I was 17 not so long ago. I thought I was so mature and that I knew what I was doing, but honestly I was just a teenager.

[coastalgirl]

Thanks for all the input. I agree with many especially the person who said not to be an enthusiastic enabler. This is how I feel.

 

I have talked to my daughter about birth control etc. I do try to hear her out but she is a closed book. I told her I need a shovel to get anything out of her. She says she cannot open up and that is the way she is. She just finds talking about her issues uncomfortable. I told her it's not easy for me either but at least I'm trying.

 

I'm totally open to talking and listening. I want an open discussion. But, I simply cannot compromise my morals or beliefs and as long as she lives with me she needs to be respectful of them.

 

She says they don't have sex.

 

K.

[DontMindMe]

it may be difficult for her to be tawn between two different households with different rules but i agree with you compleatly. Although, being a teen myself there is a constant urge to go against everything your parents say although their rules are resonable there is a feeling that your fredom is being taken away from you, and i'm not afraid to admit that teenagers in general are extreamly selfish and nieve. maybe you just need to find some way of enforcing your rules without making it seem that your daugters freedom is being taken away from her or that she is not being treated like a young adult. she maybe just 17 but in her eyes she is old enough to counted as an adult. i really hope this helps

[hers]

What is it you are worried about here with her? That's she's having sex at a young age? That she is with a boy who you hear has problems (please don't go off of what you hear from others)? Or that he is a bad influenceon her?

 

My mom let me stay at my boyfriend's (who was 21 at the time) when I was 17. He even eventually moved in with me and her before I even graduated high school (so I was the only girl in my school living with her boyfriend). I didn't do drugs (then) or drink and I was on birth control and I turned out ok. The thing was with my mom, as long as I was honest with her, she wouldn't try to stop me. She didn't like some things I was doing but her outlook was that if she tried to stop me, I'd do it anyway (and I would have), so she did the best she could to make sure I wouldn't end up in trouble (for example, if I'd been drinking at a party or something, even though I didn't drink, I could call her and say I'd been drinking and she'd come get me or I'd stay the night where I was). All she cared about was honesty.

 

There is a difference between enabling and being controlling and being honest and open. Just b/c she is doing this doesn't mean she will be in trouble one day or that you are enabling her to be immoral. Yes, she's young, but she will be "an adult" soon, whether you like it or not. Be honest with her now so you don't push her away.

[coastalgirl]

Don't mind me....those are very good points. And it is very difficult being torn between two households.

 

I've let her know that I am always here and that she can move home whenever she wants... but that I can't compromise my beliefs or values. I did offer to go to counselling with her to try to work on things. She has always said not to this.

 

K.

[coastalgirl]

hersmudders...I try to be open and honest, she is not.

 

She is 17, has no job, skips school all the time and honestly does not deserve to be treated like an adult when she doesn't act like one. She won't open up and talk to me about anything so how can I trust her when she is so secretive. I think she is very depressed. She chases after guys and has low self-esteem.

 

This guy has never taken her anywhere. She goes to his house around 11pm on the weekends after calling him and asking if she can come over. It is a party house. I have picked her up from his place smelling of booze. He does not respect her and does not treat her well as she doesn't treat herself well.

 

If this was a regular boyfriend who treated her well, if I met him and she didn't hide things from me I may be open to discuss a compromise.

 

K

[dragon lady]

I think this is whole other issue then. She's acting up because she's depressed. Why is she feeling this way? Has something at home caused this?

[hers]

I don't think this has to do with the guy at all then.

 

I'm curious though--whats "morals and beliefs" are you referring to? I'm just trying to understand so I and others can base our advice on that.

 

It seems a whole other issue then regarding the guys she's chasing. It seems you've spoken to her friends already about this guy. Can you maybe ask them to do an intervention for you? Maybe she'll open up to them b/c they're her peers instead of her authority figure. What do her friends think of her doing this?

 

Also if you're always approaching the subject as though she's in trouble rather than appraoching it as though you're trying to just talk (hard to differentiate sometimes when you're dealing with a teenager), then she will close off more. Be very careful on how you approach the subject.

 

Take her to lunch and jsut talk to her. It's harder to blow up at each other in public. I told my mom I lost my virginity over lunch and it went much mroe smoothly than it wouldve had I told her at home. Use an outing togethjer as a bonding experience.

[girl68]

Ok think about this being a teen from seemingly the same place as she I know how she feels.

 

If you're concerned about her drinking too much sit down her her and talk about drinking. Be honest and realistic, drinking is going to happen at his house, at yours, at her dad's or at her friends. The best thing you can do is warn her about the dangers...

-too much and you'll end up in the hospital- it happens... it happened to me

-what about date rape drugs- always make your own drinks or supervise them being made

-drunk driving- pre warn her that ANY time 1am 6am anytime anywhere you're available to pick her up and under no circumstances is she to drive drunk or ride with a drunk driver (and no screaming lectures if you have to go get her- the first time you scream is the last time she calls)

 

As for the sleeping if you're concerned about her having sex with him I assure you she does not need to sleepover there for that to happen. She will do it in his car in your driveway in your bed when you're at school etc. So all you can do here is warn her about the dangers. Tell her about loving the man she's with, respecting him, getting him to respect her, being treated right, and safe sex. Don't kid yourself she's 17 kids these days have sex at 14 (at least that's when my friends all did). I was older but I'm the exception not the rule. So safe sex, and respecting yourself and that's all you can do.

 

Try to have a talk with her and good mother daugther talk. In order to "win" her back, you must realize that she IS getting older, I was sleeping at my bf's house when I was 17 as well. He was a good boy, (so it's a little different) there. Set some ground rules- no sleepovers until she's 18. Or try to convince her this boy is no good for her. 19 year old guys want to do legal things with legal people your daughter is not yet legal- this is big problems down the road for them.

 

At the end of the day when I was her, I didn't listen to my mom and she lost me. We're still recovering 7 years later.

 

And don't assume you're the only one who's hurting.