The more abusive they are, the more I "love" them

[Anotherday]

There is something seriously wrong with me and I want to figure it out and fix it. I can no longer blame men who are abusive, aside from the fact they should not be abusive. It's come down to me. I have a history of getting involved with bad men and, the more abusive, the more I am attracted to them. The "hook" is something I cannot understand yet I know I have to get past it.

 

Yeah, I did have a father than was emotionally not there for me, but he was certainly not abusive in the verbal and emotional ways the men I've been involved with have been. It's like I cannot be involved with anyone who treats me well. I am just not interested and I am not a kid anymore. I've been in therapy for years but I can't help but feel this incredible pull towards the worst one to date. It's like I am obsessed with this guy again and I had not seen him for a year. I've gone back and read my posts of how horrible he was to me and I still can't let go. I know at his age he will not change yet I keep believing somehow he will change if I just do the right things. Can anyone please help me to understand this so I can break this pattern? Thanks in advance.

[Zeitgeist]

What have you learned about yourself in your therapy sessions?

 

There's some pop psychology theory I read about that as adults, we try to recreate unresolved crises or traumas from our childhood (or at least earlier in our lives) so that we can solve them. Perhaps part of your attraction towards these men is not so much that they're abusive but because they are emotionally cold, an issue that you had in childhood. And so perhaps some part of you feels that you play some part in this emotional coldness and are hoping that if you can change the other person, it will mean that you have successfully fixed some flaw in yourself that contributed to this emotional repulsion.

 

Not that I'm qualified in anyway to know what's going on with you. Just food for thought.

[velvette]

what are you waiting for him to change into? someone non-abusive, yes? would you still be attracted to him then, or are you just attracted to the challenge of changing someone, 'taming the beast' so to speak? if you think you'd still be attracted to him once he's a non-abuser, then go out and be attracted to all those normal great guys who are already at the 'goal' personality! maybe you can even pretend they USED to be bad boys but are ~changed~ or whatever you'd like.

[Anotherday]

What have you learned about yourself in your therapy sessions?

 

Well, I've been told I am very bright (which could be argued, given my OP) and sell myself short. I guess the standard answer would be low self esteem. This does not explain why I am seriously messed up, however or why the pull is so strong towards these types. I can only conclude there must be something in my past that has caused this. I was violated a couple of times but if anything this should send me towards only nice men.

[jettison]

You felt like you could never fully please your father, that he was disappointed in you on some level, and so you seek out men who openly don't approve of you or else treat you poorly so you can figure out a way to "win" this game and daddy's approval. There are plenty of theories out there that comtend that all of our romantic entanglements, on some level, revolve around us working out our childhood issues on our partners. And if our partner isn't able to offer us that kind of intrigue? Then they likely won't serve our purposes.

[Anotherday]

what are you waiting for him to change into? someone non-abusive, yes?

Yes, and I think he could be, but then I know abusers only change if they see a need to change and he does not. Maybe I'm thinking if I change things can be different - that in some way if I would only be "more" it could be different.

 

would you still be attracted to him then, or are you just attracted to the challenge of changing someone, 'taming the beast' so to speak? if you think you'd still be attracted to him once he's a non-abuser, then go out and be attracted to all those normal great guys who are already at the 'goal' personality! maybe you can even pretend they USED to be bad boys but are ~changed~ or whatever you'd like.

I'd love it if he would turn into a nice guy but I wrote a list of 38 abusive incidents so what am I thinking? I went back and read my posts from over two years ago and it was horrible, so what am I thinking? I just must be nuts. Thanks for your thoughts.

[1MoreChance]

I cannot know why you are this way, but I can tell you I am the opposite: my father was very abusive (mostly emotionally, psychologically), and I guess I pretty much made a decision I would never be with a man like that. I "brushed" one semi-relationship with a narcissistic type man, who was alcoholic and abusive, but he wasn't my bf, we weren't a couple, just a ridiculous weird sleeping together, seeing each other non sense and he wanted another girl. I did have something for him. he was very excentric, I don't know if this is what drew me. I ended it 6 months later, when it had already been a long distance, week end thing for 4 months. I never looked back. the first 2 months we were still in the same city, we did a lot of drinking together, which complicated the relationhsip and blurred my judgement. I drank to go along with him. I was ga ga over him.

 

still, as a general rule, I don't go for men like that and for me, that relationship made me see that I didn't ever want to be involved with an abusive person. I am secretly terrified it will just happen, though.

 

I guess all I am trying to say is, yes, we do get involved with the "wrong" people at times and sometimes we even choose them that way, but in the end, we must make a choice to choose differently.

 

what do you think stops you from choosing a different type of man, a kind person who treats you with respect? what attracts you to abusive men?

[Anotherday]

You felt like you could never fully please your father, that he was disappointed in you on some level, and so you seek out men who openly don't approve of you or else treat you poorly so you can figure out a way to "win" this game and daddy's approval. There are plenty of theories out there that comtend that all of our romantic entanglements, on some level, revolve around us working out our childhood issues on our partners. And if our partner isn't able to offer us that kind of intrigue? Then they likely won't serve our purposes.

 

Yeah, that makes sense. I still need to get past it, but that makes sense. I just don't know how to get past it. I have tried to go out with "nice" guys and I have to force myself to and I still don't even like it even though I try.

 

It's odd, but the one time my father treated me the best was when he didn't know who I was. I spent 10 days with him taking care of him and he was nice to me. He was psychotic with Alzheimers at the time.

[Kaiser_Soze]

You may want to check out a movie or the book called What The Bleep Do We Know and Down The Rabbit Hole, they deal with Quantum Physics, Neurology, and Molecular Biology. It might sound like it has little to do with what you are asking about but the do make a connection to your brains chemical additcion to emotions. You may be expierencing this. Check it out. If nothing else it is pretty interesting stuff.

[Zeitgeist]

Well, I've been told I am very bright (which could be argued, given my OP) and sell myself short. I guess the standard answer would be low self esteem. This does not explain why I am seriously messed up, however or why the pull is so strong towards these types. I can only conclude there must be something in my past that has caused this. I was violated a couple of times but if anything this should send me towards only nice men.

I think the low self-esteem is the core of the issue. I've been through periods of low self-esteem myself (pretty much everyone has), and I know that when I go through those periods, I'm pretty self-centered, even if not consciously. If you're not feeling good about yourself, you do whatever you can to feel better. And I think a lot of times, one's self-esteem can be low because a person views themselves through what they believe that OTHERS think about them.

 

How does this fit with your behavior with men? Well, with "nice" men, you may think that they don't see your flaws and thus, their kindness towards you is unjustified. So you seek out men who are abusive because they obviously see the "truth" about you. So they're the ones you have to convince, because if you can change their minds, then you can be fully satisfied that you are TRULY worthy of their love. There's no point in getting close to a nice guy because they're obviously deluded if they can treat you so well when something's obviously wrong with you. What's the point in convincing someone who can't see the truth about you?

 

Just a theory.

[Anotherday]

Well, you sound healthy and it's great you didn't get sucked into finding men like your father, except for that one guy. But looking at my history, the more abusive they are the more I "love" them. As to your last question, maybe abuse is better than neglect (which is what I had from my father). At least it's something. Or maybe I am just warped (well, yes).

[Anotherday]

Yes, very insightful. Interestingly enough, the guy in question knows everything about me - the bad stuff too. And I do have to convince him, hence maybe the obsession. Now, I'm not doing anything weird here. No phone calls, no emails, no contact since Friday and this was only because it was his birthday and I said happy BD. I'll think more about this and thanks.

[Anotherday]

You may want to check out a movie or the book called What The Bleep Do We Know and Down The Rabbit Hole, they deal with Quantum Physics, Neurology, and Molecular Biology. It might sound like it has little to do with what you are asking about but the do make a connection to your brains chemical additcion to emotions. You may be expierencing this. Check it out. If nothing else it is pretty interesting stuff.

Again another great post and I do have some chemical stuff going on in my head. I'll check into those resources.

 

I don't know why I even pay my therapist. You guys have come up with more than she has in over a year!

[Zeitgeist]

Again another great post and I do have some chemical stuff going on in my head. I'll check into those resources.

 

I don't know why I even pay my therapist. You guys have come up with more than she has in over a year!

In all fairness to your therapist, she probably knows all this stuff too. But being in therapy isn't so much about your therapist giving you the "answers", as much as it is helping you come up with the answers yourself. But I think talking stuff out on the internet with random strangers is helpful too.

[Anotherday]

In all fairness to your therapist, she probably knows all this stuff too. But being in therapy isn't so much about your therapist giving you the "answers", as much as it is helping you come up with the answers yourself. But I think talking stuff out on the internet with random strangers is helpful too.

 

I'm not so sure she knows all this. Our discussions aren't about this stuff. She gives me suggestions like "go for a walk, volunteer, join a group" which are all great, but I already know that stuff. We don't get into this deep stuff. I think you strangers are great and I am bookmarking this thread so I can "chew on it," so to speak.

[1MoreChance]

Well, you sound healthy and it's great you didn't get sucked into finding men like your father, except for that one guy. But looking at my history, the more abusive they are the more I "love" them. As to your last question, maybe abuse is better than neglect (which is what I had from my father). At least it's something. Or maybe I am just warped (well, yes).

 

well, I don't think I'm THAT healthy, lol, I have my issues and insecurities. What I was trying to say is that the answer is inside you, you must do your soul searching. Yes, maybe you are just trying to get some attention, some relationship, and abuse feels better than nothingness, neglect or absence in some warped way. There must be more to it though... how was your 1st abusive relationship? how old were you? What happenned? How did it affect you? could it have started a negative cycle? did it traumatize you to the point that maybe you thought you were worthless and deserved no better?

[FallenStar87]

I think the abuse you had to endure is playing a big role. How do you feel about yourself now? Do you feel worthy of love? Do you feel that you deserve a good, healthy relationship?

 

Could you tell us something more about your therapist? Have you talked to her about the abuse?

Probably you didn't work enough on the feelings that that traumatic experience has left you with.

 

Good luck!

[kaylanc]

Everyone puts emphasis on the whole "your father was this way" thing. That is SO not ALWAYS the case. The bottom line is, that it sounds like even if you started out with a sense of self confidence you have now been through a harsh dating history of people who helped in diminishing that self confidence and at the same time aided a false sense of need for companionship because they emotionally and/or mentally convinced you that you couldn't "make it" without them.

Please don't take my evaluation of the situation as condescending because I only know from personal experience. I've been through 3 physically abusive relationships and even more emotionally abusive that's why your post interested me because I know the feeling.

I realized it wad a "them not me thing" a while ago but it didn't stop me from getting into another 2 1/2 years of the same thing. I proudly waled away from that a month and half ago and it's been the hardest, the most gratifying, the scariest and by far the BEST thing I have ever done for myself.

I know it is easier said than done but dig down and find that person that knows they are better than the crap you've been put through and put your foot down and allow yourself to find something honestly worthy of your time.

If not for you then for those you influence (we all say we don't influence anyone but you would be surprised, think about any one you know young or old that might watch).

I wish you the best and just know this is DEFINITELY something you can overcome!

[grymoire]

Wow, this is a great post... but it scares me a lot.