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Arrrrgh. Dating Advice Requested please!


Honey Pumpkin

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Hello my lovelies, would welcome some advice.

 

I've been seeing a lovely guy recently, and he's got so many nice qualities that I really really admire: he's kind, loyal, gentle, sweet, adorable, honest.

 

The downside is that we just don't click that well on a conversational level. I am easily interested in lots of things, chatter away, like a sparky conversation. Just to be totally honest, I was in higher education for donkey's years and he left school when he was 16, is a gardener (which I totally respect), but we seem to have so little in common, we don't really connect.

 

I desperately want this to work. He's probably the nicest guy I've gone out with for a long time, and I really appreciate him. But...I'm just a bit bored when we're together, we don't seem to spark off each other. I keep thinking it's because he's shy and I should give him time. And maybe I could love the gentle, silent type?

 

Physically I like him a lot - we haven't had sex yet; I have thought about leaping on him and beeping him senseless, BUT he told me on our last date that he's falling hard for me, and I don't think that would be fair when I'm in two minds.

 

I should end it, shouldn't I? I just know I'll regret losing him, because I think he's the best guy I've known for a long time. But my friend said that he doesn't make me laugh (and I really do laugh a lot and easily).

 

Argggh. Opinions?????

 

[i'm identifiable through other threads, so I will probably delete this thread in a day or so for privacy reasons]

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question is why are you trying to make decesion off of what your friend says about him.. your friend said he doesnt make you laugh so now your have second thoughts..

 

but if youre bored around him, and dont feel the spark, theres no real reason to force it...

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question is why are you trying to make decesion off of what your friend says about him.. your friend said he doesnt make you laugh so now your have second thoughts..

 

but if youre bored around him, and dont feel the spark, theres no real reason to force it...

 

No, I've been having second thoughts for a while.

 

I just think he might be the best guy that I've met. I so want to fall in love with him, and it just won't happen. :sad:

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None of us can tell you if he's right for you or not. What do you talk about when you're together? have you tried talking to him about things that you find interesting, and he just doesn't have much to say about it?

 

Yeah, I've tried. He just doesn't seem to respond - he's a thinker. It frustrates me, because I'll say something, and he doesn't give me anything back, just a nod or nothing. But then he'll say something days later that shows he listens to everything I say and remembers.

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No, I've been having second thoughts for a while.

 

I just think he might be the best guy that I've met. I so want to fall in love with him, and it just won't happen.

 

 

you cant force yourself to fall in love... it all has to fall into place on its own.. if you enjoy spending time with him thats good.. but if he doesnt excite you, then youre just trying to force a situation that prob in the long run will fail, because it wasnt all there...

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you cant force yourself to fall in love... it all has to fall into place on its own.. if you enjoy spending time with him thats good.. but if he doesnt excite you, then youre just trying to force a situation that prob in the long run will fail, because it wasnt all there...

 

Yeah. You're right. I wonder how long I should give it though. I am having the oddest thoughts about this - like maybe I can get my fun and conversations outside the relationship, I have enough friends. Sigh. Am fooling myself, no?

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It may be that he feels intimidated by your education level and is therefore holding back for fear of saying something stupid. What is he like in other social situations? Have you gone out with his friends or seen him interact with others that he is comfortable with? If his demeanor is the same, then maybe he's just not a personality match for you. Two good people don't always make a good couple.

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Yeah. You're right. I wonder how long I should give it though. I am having the oddest thoughts about this - like maybe I can get my fun and conversations outside the relationship, I have enough friends. Sigh. Am fooling myself, no?

 

def just fooling yourself... and you will be closed off to finding the right guy that will give you all those feelings.. because you will be caught up in this 1/2 rel...

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Yeah. You're right. I wonder how long I should give it though. I am having the oddest thoughts about this - like maybe I can get my fun and conversations outside the relationship, I have enough friends. Sigh. Am fooling myself, no?

 

Yeah, I've tried. He just doesn't seem to respond - he's a thinker. It frustrates me, because I'll say something, and he doesn't give me anything back, just a nod or nothing. But then he'll say something days later that shows he listens to everything I say and remembers.

 

You can't change him, but like deciding to stay or go in any relationship, you'll have to decide for yourself if the cons outweigh the pros or vice versa. I think being able to connect and have good conversations with someone is important, but can you live without it?

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You can't change him, but like deciding to stay or go in any relationship, you'll have to decide for yourself if the cons outweigh the pros or vice versa. I think being able to connect and have good conversations with someone is important, but can you live without it?

 

No, probably not. I want to though, I really like his qualities, I really like him, but I'm not crazy about him.

 

Sigh.

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It may be that he feels intimidated by your education level and is therefore holding back for fear of saying something stupid. What is he like in other social situations? Have you gone out with his friends or seen him interact with others that he is comfortable with? If his demeanor is the same, then maybe he's just not a personality match for you. Two good people don't always make a good pair.

 

I don't think that's it, to be honest - I'm not a snob or scary at all! I chatter away about most things, and I like finding out about what makes someone tick. We seem to be a bit stuck in the small talk bit - "how are you/how was your day" etc.

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I don't think that's it, to be honest - I'm not a snob or scary at all! I chatter away about most things, and I like finding out about what makes someone tick. We seem to be a bit stuck in the small talk bit - "how are you/how was your day" etc.

 

sounds like he maybe lacks personality if youre always stuck in small talk..

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I think you should really go with your gut on this one. Whatever it's telling you is what's best.

 

Ah, well that's the hard thing. I suppose I know deep down it's not right.

 

But I'm not really getting accross here how lovely he is, how kind and caring and fab. I so want to be with someone like that - I cannot believe that I cannot kick-start my stupid emotions into love.

 

Would it be very wrong to sleep with him to see if that helped??? Although if I were falling for a guy, he wasn't sure, and slept with me to make up his mind I would be so livid, so I guess that's my answer. Although would men mind as much????

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No, don't do it, because it will just complicate things more. Don't confuse sex with love. They are not the same thing.

 

I know, you're right. I could honestly cry at this situation.

 

What kind of brought it to a head is that I spent four hours today with another guy in a professional setting (absolutely no romance, just to be clear!) and we talked about so much, it was so easy and fluid, and I felt challenged and just really alive

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Ah, well that's the hard thing. I suppose I know deep down it's not right.

 

But I'm not really getting accross here how lovely he is, how kind and caring and fab. I so want to be with someone like that - I cannot believe that I cannot kick-start my stupid emotions into love.

 

Would it be very wrong to sleep with him to see if that helped??? Although if I were falling for a guy, he wasn't sure, and slept with me to make up his mind I would be so livid, so I guess that's my answer. Although would men mind as much????

 

If he's developing feelings for you then yes, of course he would mind. Sounds like you should let this one go.

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I know, you're right. I could honestly cry at this situation.

 

What kind of brought it to a head is that I spent four hours today with another guy in a professional setting (absolutely no romance, just to be clear!) and we talked about so much, it was so easy and fluid, and I felt challenged and just really alive

 

Your partner should make you feel alive too.

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If he's developing feelings for you then yes, of course he would mind. Sounds like you should let this one go.

 

Dammit. Thank you though

 

I WANT to develop feelings. I do have feelings, but I'm not sure what they are - appreciation mainly. Some lust. A vague sense that this isn't going to work.

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Your partner should make you feel alive too.

 

You're right.

 

What if I don't meet him though. What if it's this guy or eternal spinsterhood?

 

Seriously, he's about the best prospect I have *ever* come accross for settling down with. Well, for a long time, anyway.

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You're right.

 

What if I don't meet him though. What if it's this guy or eternal spinsterhood?

 

Seriously, he's about the best prospect I have *ever* come accross for settling down with. Well, for a long time, anyway.

 

I don't know about you, but I'd rather be alone than know that i settled for someone when I didn't think we were a good match

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