Give up 'emotional affair' to work on marriage?

[Miater]

so I've been married 9 years,,,living with this lady for 12, both third marraiges, both have our own kids, most grown except one teen (mine)

 

Basically I lost faith in this woman when she was arrrested for shoplifting 3 years ago and did nothing about it. Got it taken care of legally but that's it. No counseling , and nothing but denial - it was a 'misunderstanding' , she says.

 

No it wasn't , I talked to the store manager.

 

She's never wanted sex more than once or twice a month and won't compromise on that. She has been insecure about holding on to me for as long as I 've been with her, and I 'm tired of it. She thought I kept some furniture when I moved in with her, not because I valued it, but because I was planning to leave her, in her mind. She told me this years later.

 

She recently told me she was sexually abused by an older brother for years, along with 2 other sisters. She told me this because we reached a point of crisis when she discovered I have been having an 'emotional affair' with a woman I met at work. I 've never touched this woman, but I feel very attached to her. I didn't intend for this to happen, but it did. And it happened once before, just before this one, though it was not nearly as serious.

 

 

My situation now is I 'm told by my wife and counselor I have to give up this relationship, if I want to work on my marraige. I quite simply don't want to give this other woman up. I am not in love anymore and quite frankly , concerned about my wife. What happened to her was horrible, but it has made her a terrible partner for me, and I just can't take it anymore.

I wish she had been honest with me about her past from the beginning, but she was afraid I 'd reject her. I can understand that , but I would not have.

Now , so much damage has been done.

 

I want her to get help, but I also want for ME to have a chance at happiness, and it's almost impossible for me to give up the one person making me feel good right now.

 

I don't see this person, but still talk and email. I 'm not supposed to be, but I am.

 

I really dont' want to hurt my wife, but I 'm sick of hurting myself.

 

Any input is most welcome.

[Miater]

so I've been married 9 years,,,living with this lady for 12, both third marraiges, both have our own kids, most grown except one teen (mine)

 

Basically I lost faith in this woman when she was arrrested for shoplifting 3 years ago and did nothing about it. Got it taken care of legally but that's it. No counseling , and nothing but denial - it was a 'misunderstanding' , she says.

 

No it wasn't , I talked to the store manager.

 

She's never wanted sex more than once or twice a month and won't compromise on that. She has been insecure about holding on to me for as long as I 've been with her, and I 'm tired of it. She thought I kept some furniture when I moved in with her, not because I valued it, but because I was planning to leave her, in her mind. She told me this years later.

 

She recently told me she was sexually abused by an older brother for years, along with 2 other sisters. She told me this because we reached a point of crisis when she discovered I have been having an 'emotional affair' with a woman I met at work. I 've never touched this woman, but I feel very attached to her. I didn't intend for this to happen, but it did. And it happened once before, just before this one, though it was not nearly as serious.

 

 

My situation now is I 'm told by my wife and counselor I have to give up this relationship, if I want to work on my marraige. I quite simply don't want to give this other woman up. I am not in love anymore and quite frankly , concerned about my wife. What happened to her was horrible, but it has made her a terrible partner for me, and I just can't take it anymore.

I wish she had been honest with me about her past from the beginning, but she was afraid I 'd reject her. I can understand that , but I would not have.

Now , so much damage has been done.

 

I want her to get help, but I also want for ME to have a chance at happiness, and it's almost impossible for me to give up the one person making me feel good right now.

 

I don't see this person, but still talk and email. I 'm not supposed to be, but I am.

 

I really dont' want to hurt my wife, but I 'm sick of hurting myself.

 

Any input is most welcome.

[Tethys]

Wow this is a tough one. It sounds like you are giving up on the marriage. Are you ready to do that?

[CallingAllAngels]

I think you have answered your own questions. You don't love your wife and want this other woman.

 

DIVORCE your wife first before you cheat on her. Otherwise she may be able to sue you for adultry.

 

There's no point in beating a dead horse...

[girl68]

Well your wife needs help. And you need to decide what it is you want. If you want out that is fine, you may at that time persue your hapiness which you are absolutely entitled to. But you may not continue with this woman (love or not) if you choose to stay.

 

Take some time off from the woman and think about what you really want. And if you choose to stay the other woman is cut off and you work on your marriage. The decision is up to you but you cannot have both that is unfair to your wife.

[Tethys]

Yes, the wife needs help -- I just want to know what is going on. The "other woman" is usually a fantasy relationship, as it seems to have no baggage, but in reality... it does.

 

I want to know if he is really ready to let the wife go and be done with it or not, or if he has any interest in saving his marriage.

[problematic1]

wow. Well i can tell by the way that you call your wife "this woman" and "this lady"

that you are not in love with her anymore. and you cant help that.

 

your wife really needs some help.

 

since you dont have kids together, divorce would be a less painful situation than normal.

 

do what makes you happy. afterall, you deserve it.

[Miater]

wow. Well i can tell by the way that you call your wife "this woman" and "this lady"

that you are not in love with her anymore. and you cant help that.

 

.

 

 

wow...that's very observant. and true. I wish it wasn't true, I really do. I hate to be in this place. She needs love more than ever, but believe me when I say women who were abused like this as young girls have problems , not of their own making. I have two girls. It breaks my heart to hear it.

[problematic1]

wow...that's very observant. and true. I wish it wasn't true, I really do. I hate to be in this place. She needs love more than ever, but believe me when I say women who were abused like this as young girls have problems , not of their own making. I have two girls. It breaks my heart to hear it.

 

well it never is a good situation but its something you cant change.

it happened and no one but the abuser could have stopped it.

proper help is key.

 

question: do her own kids still keep in touch with her?

[Miater]

well it never is a good situation but its something you cant change.

it happened and no one but the abuser could have stopped it.

proper help is key.

 

question: do her own kids still keep in touch with her?

 

 

would have been nice if her parents stopped it. But they didn't , the blamed my wife for bringing it up , and then allowed it to continue.

 

My wife has big big problems. She's had sex with me in the past and seemed different to me during it, in fact done things she usually wouldn't do. Nothing unusual, just not her normal preference.

Then the next day, had absolutely NO memory of it.

 

I can't handle this.

[Miater]

yes her kids are in normal contact with her. one moved away but calls frequently . the other lives nearby.

 

but she makes inappropriate comments about his body. She commented twice the other day that he needed to lose weight, just because he's got a bit of a spare tire.

 

I dont' know... it just seems weird to me to comment like that , but then, considering what I know about...I look at everything differently.

I hope she never touched him....

[Miater]

Yes, the wife needs help -- I just want to know what is going on. The "other woman" is usually a fantasy relationship, as it seems to have no baggage, but in reality... it does.

 

I want to know if he is really ready to let the wife go and be done with it or not, or if he has any interest in saving his marriage.

 

 

like most things, it's not simple. If it was just her I'd lose, my decision is made.

However there is a house and a high schooler who isnt' interested in having her life turned upside down right now.

[problematic1]

oh my goodness i hope she didnt either.

but my mom says that to me all the time, that i need to lose weight. it makes me mad at first then i just forget about it.

 

but anyways, thats good that her kids still keep in touch. she does have people that love her. and she has people that will support her if you do leave.

 

if you left, would you want to still keep in contact?? or would you just forget about her?

[Miater]

I love her kids and she loves mine. I would always want to be friends.

[Circe]

She got caught shop lifting. And she has only ever wanted sex once a fortnight. And she was previously sexually abused by her brother. And she has fears relating to your level of commitment to her.

 

The last is justifiable, I think, given that you are now on emotional affair number 2 and this is marriage number 3, perhaps?

 

The first (shop lifting) - Have you told her your fears concerning her behaviour, what you learned from the shop manager, what you fear about the future unless this continues? What you need her to do (therapy) and how soon you need her to start? And what you will do if she does not?

 

Because doing all the above may well resolve that issue.. or get you on the path.

 

The sexual stuff - I imagine related to the abuse - if you would have been happy to work with her through all this had she told you up front - why not work through them now? You say you don't love her. I hear that in marriages, people don't feel in love all the time. I thought the point was to do all you can regardless of a temporary absence of that feeling of love?

 

Having two emotional affairs in the past probably contributed a lot to destroying your feelings of love for your wife. You married her. It's up to you how much you value your own word and your vows and commitment. It's up to you how important that is to you.

 

Just in my opinion - I think you should drop the emotional affairs (they are just fantasy) and get back to the reality of the marriage at hand and re-investing in it.

[Pappers]

Have you passed the point of no return with your wife? sounds like you're working together with a therapist. On the other hand, it seems like you're wanting an excuse to get out (the other woman).

[volpe]

sounds like marriage is only really a piece of paper to you.

[CallingAllAngels]

sounds like marriage is only really a piece of paper to you.

 

I agree with this post........

[loulee]

i think you sound incredibly selfish. you are concerned for yourself only. you are aware that you have cheated twice9emotionally) and Im sure your wife noticed your abscence during these times which would have heightened her insecurities. yes she is deeply troubled...with good reason..she finally tells you her greatest fear and you think its all too hard and time to slip out the door..I think you need to rethink this..afterall you havent given your wife the chance to manage her problem and support her with/in therapy. you were obviously in love with her to marry her and instead of dealing with the real issues at home as they arose you have been using other women to boost your ego and make you feel good...about you....i think at the least you could try to think of her and your marriage ..this other women should not even be a consideration amongst this......she is like taking panadol for a headache..temporary fix...if you truly believe you could not be happy with your wife despite her efforts to seek help and deal with her issues then it would be best you leave, right now it must be awful for her, afterall she has kept this secret for years out of fear of rejection...and the comment about her son was ridiculous to think it could imply anything incestuous...your overreacting, its all been quite a shock no doubt....take some time out...for yourself...and sort out your priorities, perhaps a counsellor may help you do this more effectively......once they are sorted in your head and you have made a firm decision you should stick by it. you owe it to your wife to make a clean break should you leave, she has had enough of her emotions abused and will need all the support she can get, and her family will be of no help here...

[Miater]

she stonewalled me in therapy just like she did here in this house. she can't be wrong - about anything - ever. she has a pathological need to be right - I guess her ptsd tells her if she's wrong she'll be abused - I don't know - it is * * * * ed up . She 'didn't remember' anything I brought up in therapy that reflected poorly on her. The therapist tried to get her to take responsibility for her actions - she was not able to. She decided after 8 sessions that was enough - she 'didn't have time ' for any more.

 

She never trusted me - for years , she had no reason not to, but still did not. Now she has reason not to -well I guess you get what you expect in life don't you. Treat me like I'm guilty long enough - what happens - I lived up to it. No trust - no emotional intimacy - very little sex - constant criticism - my only mistake is not being strong enough to get out before I made myself the 'bad guy'

 

My daughters have seen how she treats me - now that this is out in the open , they aren't shy about telling me. And now it looks like divorce but how long till the house sells. She's irrational , angry , smashed our glass picture frame that had our wedding picture in it - I told her break one more thing I 'm calling 911.

 

Yeah I'm selfish . Aren't we all when it comes right down to it. Nobody wants to be miserable, and there's a lot more going on here than a 'temporary absence of a feeling of love'

 

She's got OCD too. She'll wash her damn hands for 10 minutes. Scrubs her face in the shower for 10 minutes too I've watched. She's bad news folks. I just don't know why I put up with it for so long - well actually , I do. My Dad was and is very much like her. I 'm used to being controlled by people who smash things when they don't get their way. I 'm getting me and my daughter out of here as soon as I can.

 

I feel very badly for her and it 's kept me from doing what I need to do for a long time. My therapist told me I can't save her - and it's not my job.

 

I 'm 49 and I don't have time for this anymore. I love her deep down inside I think - but it doesn't matter. It's not enough. She hasn't been to the doctor to get examined for her blackouts either. Oh I hadn't mentioned that had I .

 

Three of those in the last year - for no apparent reason, and this started before the affair. The last one she was at the wheel of a car with my daughter in it.

My daughter had to steer the car. She basically goes into a hypnotic trance like state. Happened twice while eating dinner, each time around 7 pm , this time she was driving. I know I should not have gotten close to another woman - I should have gotten other help - but unfortunately this is what it took to snap me out of denial and realize my wife is a mess. It's not my fault. I have stopped seeing the other woman - because I don't want her involved in this craziness. If I 'm lucky she'll be around when I get thru this.

[Miater]

nobody wants to touch this with a 10 foot pole I guess.

[CallingAllAngels]

nobody wants to touch this with a 10 foot pole I guess.

 

Sounds like your marriage has a lot of problems, but no one on this board is going to justify your emotional affair, if that's what you are looking for.

[Miater]

Sounds like your marriage has a lot of problems, but no one on this board is going to justify your emotional affair, if that's what you are looking for.

 

nope. however the judgemental attitude of some people here amazes me.

 

I've had it with messed up people. My first wife had an affair with her boss and got pregnant. My second one is a lesbian and just pretended so she could have a kid, then walked out on me. Now this. I really don't need anyone's permission to be happy. I'm not interested in sacrificing and being a freakin martyr to help sick partners anymore. I 'm done.

[MissKnowitall]

Judgmental? No. People here are being honest. Nobody is going to agree to your emotional affairs and you emotionally abandoning your wife when she needed you the most. I commend you for seeking counseling but it doesn't sound like you're taking very much of the responsibility yourself.

 

From what I have read you are being self-indulgent and selfish. Your wife was caught shoplifting but you haven't mentioned an incident of that happening again. GET OVER IT! She definitely needs counseling separately from you and should find a support network to help her cope with what happened to her. That is cold and cruel that you state women that are sexually abused have alot of problems. They do but your response tells me that she had a reason for keeping this knowledge from you because she probably sensed that you would react the way you have. You have proven her fears right when you should have been proving them wrong.

 

Why is it that everybody is messed up but you? I'm not calling you messed up but there is a pattern and you're the only common denominator. Perhaps you should seek out help on your own to find out why this is and work through this tough time in your marriage.

 

Does a vow mean anything to you? For better or worse? Nobody said marriage meant feeling the warm fuzzy honeymoon connection you once had all the time. You are experiencing a natural phase of marriage and this is the part where your integrity and honor are tried. What kind of man do you want to be? The one that walks away and also blames everybody else when times or tough? Or the man that goes the distance and does the right thing?

 

How about trying to remember how you fell in love with "this woman" and why you promised her "Til death do you part."

[CallingAllAngels]

What an EXCELLENT post....very well written. I tried to rep you but I have to "spread the love around" to other people first.