pushforward Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Hey all. Mostly venting. Been having some decent and great days, today is really hard. Lots of things going on in my life and I'm really confused in general. I'm not so sure of anything anymore or why things happen. I'm trying to be bigger than my old self and grow through these tough times. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm standing still or moving forward. I feel stuck and kind of hopeless. I wonder if I'll love anybody as much if not more than my ex or if I'll find anybody better. I've been dating here and there, nothing special, more of a drag than anything else. I'm looking for quality and quality is hard to find. Hmm, I'm hurting and it's starting to get really annoying that I spend a good portion of my days reminiscing. It's quite counter productive, I hurt, I think of good times, I hurt some more. Vicious cycle that I need to stop. It's really hard getting over a 1st love, I've discovered so many things through this painful experience, I've grown from my former self. I wonder how 2nd, 3rd, even 4th loves feel like, I know each will be unique, but I miss what I had. The circumstances that led us to be together and stay together, I wonder if I'll feel anything as special as those moments. I'm getting rid of my fears by embracing them and doing it. It's all in my head. I wonder why I'm so afraid to lose her forever, she's already long gone. I've been in NC for many months and the caring side of me still wants to see how she's doing, but I always end up putting me first because I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I question what love really is, there are many opinions on this and I've yet to formulate my own answer. I thought I had a general idea, but I'm not so sure of anything anymore. It's all questionable and nothing make sense. Is love really the end all or be all to happiness? Link to comment
pushforward Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 Hey all. Mostly venting. Been having some decent and great days, today is really hard. Lots of things going on in my life and I'm really confused in general. I'm not so sure of anything anymore or why things happen. I'm trying to be bigger than my old self and grow through these tough times. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm standing still or moving forward. I feel stuck and kind of hopeless. I wonder if I'll love anybody as much if not more than my ex or if I'll find anybody better. I've been dating here and there, nothing special, more of a drag than anything else. I'm looking for quality and quality is hard to find. Hmm, I'm hurting and it's starting to get really annoying that I spend a good portion of my days reminiscing. It's quite counter productive, I hurt, I think of good times, I hurt some more. Vicious cycle that I need to stop. It's really hard getting over a 1st love, I've discovered so many things through this painful experience, I've grown from my former self. I wonder how 2nd, 3rd, even 4th loves feel like, I know each will be unique, but I miss what I had. The circumstances that led us to be together and stay together, I wonder if I'll feel anything as special as those moments. I'm getting rid of my fears by embracing them and doing it. It's all in my head. I wonder why I'm so afraid to lose her forever, she's already long gone. I've been in NC for many months and the caring side of me still wants to see how she's doing, but I always end up putting me first because I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I question what love really is, there are many opinions on this and I've yet to formulate my own answer. I thought I had a general idea, but I'm not so sure of anything anymore. It's all questionable and nothing make sense. Is love really the end all or be all to happiness? Link to comment
heartbroken9 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Hi Pushforward. Ive been reading your posts here and there and you honestly have come such a long way. Your doing good and with more time your gonna be even BETTER. I know how you feel and Im trying to get over my "first love" if you wanna call it that. Maybe its so hard for us because its our first time feeling so strongly for someone and we have nothing else to compare it to....yet. Who knows what will happen in the future and if you will ever talk to her ever again but if you dont..it only means your going to meet someone even better and more special. I still think of my ex everyday and I hate it. I just want to forget him. I try to keep myself occupied but no matter what..all my thoughts lead back to him. Hang in there..your gonna be ok. Link to comment
heartbroken9 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Hi Pushforward. Ive been reading your posts here and there and you honestly have come such a long way. Your doing good and with more time your gonna be even BETTER. I know how you feel and Im trying to get over my "first love" if you wanna call it that. Maybe its so hard for us because its our first time feeling so strongly for someone and we have nothing else to compare it to....yet. Who knows what will happen in the future and if you will ever talk to her ever again but if you dont..it only means your going to meet someone even better and more special. I still think of my ex everyday and I hate it. I just want to forget him. I try to keep myself occupied but no matter what..all my thoughts lead back to him. Hang in there..your gonna be ok. Link to comment
pushforward Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 It's funny how I know I'll be okay, but I don't feel so. Rule of thumb for feelings, they don't follow any logic. I know how you feel, it's like they're a magnet in your mind, eventually the thoughts go back to them, no matter how much you distract or fill your head with new experiences. I know I'm doing much better than before, just a little frustrated at the lingering feelings. A few more months and it will have been a year since this whole dark period of my life began. I'm not sure if I'm heading towards the light or heading to somewhere darker. I'd like to believe in the positivity, but I'm honest and I'm lost. Link to comment
heartbroken9 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Gosh everything you say I can relate to. I know I'll be ok but right now dealing with the feelings is hard and frustrating. I know im doing better than before as well. I dont cry as much and I dont hide in my bed like I used to. I can acutally pick myself up and go out and do things. I cant believe the jerk has not even contacted me in any way. It makes me sad that he's not even thinking of me. How can you be close with someone for some time and than all of a sudden completely cut that person out?..Life is just weird and nothing makes sense. You are not heading to somewhere darker! You might not see it yet..but your heading somewhere brighter. =) With some more time your gonna be able to look back at this and just laugh and wonder why you felt this way at all. Your gonna be happy again. Link to comment
pushforward Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 I don't stress why she doesn't contact me anymore. I simply understand that I love her and she does not love me the way I want her to. It makes things simpler by understanding that it didn't work out. I don't know if I can ever laugh at this experience. Sure, I will be able to reflect and see how much changes I've made, but I think it will always be a sad experience of what if. A connection between two people that I will hold dear to my heart, not sure if I'll ever get over her. So far, as badly as she hurt me, she left the most impression on me. It's not helping that I've dated some crazies after her or immature girls who chase after unavailable guys. It's funny how I cut her out of my life and I'm not afraid to lose anybody or cut them off. Link to comment
pushforward Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 This healing process is no joke, I'm feeling horrible and just contemplating life. I'm ruminating in what could have been and what is currently not. I don't get why my I picture my life to be perfect with this other person. It isn't logical and why am I still so attracted to her. Bah, this isn't healthy, I wonder how some people move on so quickly. Normally, when I feel like this I could cry it out. I tried but no tears are coming out. I don't know how to express my sadness anymore. It's lingering and frustrating. It doesn't help that I've been sick for almost two weeks now and haven't been up to the normal things that normally keep me busy. A song that I can relate to. Amy Winehouse - love is a losing game For you I was a flame Love is a losing game Five story fire as you came Love is a losing game One I wish I never played Oh what a mess we made And now the final frame Love is a losing game Played out by the band Love is a losing hand More than I could stand Love is a losing hand Self professed... profound Till the chips were down ...know you're a gambling man Love is a losing hand Though I'm rather blind Love is a fate resigned Memories mar my mind Love is a fate resigned Over futile odds And laughed at by the gods And now the final frame Love is a losing game Link to comment
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