Just dont know

[and again]

Me and ex got back last week after 3 months n/c, she contacted me, saying that she had missed me etc and wanted to try again as she knew what she wanted and was scared she had lost me for good. (she split with me).

In breif, got back 1st day no awkwardness at all, like we had never been away, she was talking deep future, i never went over the top due to past hurt. But we still got along great laughed slept together etc.

Next day she wanted to be friends with extras, for a while, due to what we had been through, see eachother twice a week. Bit of a shock to me but got her point. Met sat, she was all over me lovey dovey whilst in our local. Perfect night out.

On the sunday left her to go home all fine and good. later she calls saying we should just be friends, as she could not promise that we would ever be in a full relationship. And doesnt want to hold me back and mess my life up as i havnt got kids etc,and i may be missing out on the one. I said i was more than happy with what i have, she said you will thank me for it one day.

The problem is i love her and her me, its all there apart from her being messed up by past. She also likes a drink. As someone on here wisely said, she may love you but her fear and adiction are stronger. I know if she gave it time she would be comfortable with us and would realise i would never hurt her.

What hurts is i miss her and her me, but she will put up this wall, i think it is a situation of her loveing me so she is letting me go. She said sat whilst out, that she had told her son if it wasnt for his dad and other exs that she wouldnt be so messed up and would be with me. (her lad adores me). She also said maybe in 12months we would be a proper couple when she stops panicking over nothing. She also totally broke down over the baby we lost.

Ive been ok all day but its hurting like hell that the girl i think world of and vice versa are a mile apart and not in touch. spoke to her sister and she told me that ex said im all she has ever wanted.

I know she is messed up ,over certain things but i cant help feel that we are so close to it all working out yet so far, and it seems so pointless.

[and again]

Me and ex got back last week after 3 months n/c, she contacted me, saying that she had missed me etc and wanted to try again as she knew what she wanted and was scared she had lost me for good. (she split with me).

In breif, got back 1st day no awkwardness at all, like we had never been away, she was talking deep future, i never went over the top due to past hurt. But we still got along great laughed slept together etc.

Next day she wanted to be friends with extras, for a while, due to what we had been through, see eachother twice a week. Bit of a shock to me but got her point. Met sat, she was all over me lovey dovey whilst in our local. Perfect night out.

On the sunday left her to go home all fine and good. later she calls saying we should just be friends, as she could not promise that we would ever be in a full relationship. And doesnt want to hold me back and mess my life up as i havnt got kids etc,and i may be missing out on the one. I said i was more than happy with what i have, she said you will thank me for it one day.

The problem is i love her and her me, its all there apart from her being messed up by past. She also likes a drink. As someone on here wisely said, she may love you but her fear and adiction are stronger. I know if she gave it time she would be comfortable with us and would realise i would never hurt her.

What hurts is i miss her and her me, but she will put up this wall, i think it is a situation of her loveing me so she is letting me go. She said sat whilst out, that she had told her son if it wasnt for his dad and other exs that she wouldnt be so messed up and would be with me. (her lad adores me). She also said maybe in 12months we would be a proper couple when she stops panicking over nothing. She also totally broke down over the baby we lost.

Ive been ok all day but its hurting like hell that the girl i think world of and vice versa are a mile apart and not in touch. spoke to her sister and she told me that ex said im all she has ever wanted.

I know she is messed up ,over certain things but i cant help feel that we are so close to it all working out yet so far, and it seems so pointless.

[stickman]

You have some major issues going on and EACH of these things needs attention on it's own. Combined, it will take a lot of time...perhaps years.

 

The loss of a child is very difficult all on it's own. I can't imagine the pain a woman goes through. BUT that said, she will have to mend herself.

 

The drinking part...perhaps from before the loss of the child? That is a difficult task to resolve as well and will take time.

 

You both love each other...and when you have that...anything is possible. From what I can see, the only thing you could do is give her the space that she needs without any pressure from you. To give someone space and support shows love and patience. A woman must work through her own issues and know and feel that you validate her feelings. You can't offer solutions and you can't make demands upon her. She must know that it is ok to feel bad...and considering the loss of a child it is understandable. Remember, when you are feeling badly about yourself....it is very difficult to see anything good in others...even the people we love.

 

I know that you love her. I know that you want to help her. But, 3 months is a drop in the bucket of the time that it may take my friend. Some people want help from others....and many people just need to be left alone by themselves. You can't fix her. She has to do that herself. The question is....can YOU be patient with her? Can you wait?

 

I hope this helps

[and again]

Yes she was drinking before the loss of the baby , but was off it once she found out she was pregnant. I could wait if i knew she would be back, but in her eyes she is letting me go for my own good. She says if we meet we should be friends but that wont happen as there is so much atraction there on both parts.

she also says she will never go with anyone else ever as she has no intrest, (her exact words).

its was bit easier when i had a bit of hate the other week, i thought she was hard hearted and didnt give a dam. But she does. I will have to give her more space, i have told her sister how i feel, and hopefully she wll see it a bit diffrent comeing from some one else.

[stickman]

You will need to give her a lot of space and TIME my friend. In the meantime YOU need, you deserve and YOU have a right to be happy and have a life of your own without her. You are not responsible for how SHE feels and fixing her.

 

You really must weigh out the benefit of waiting for her to mend that which may take a Looooooooooooooong time to fix....vs. getting on with your own life without her.

[and again]

Stickman, im going nc, but its going to be a bit mor difficult this time knowing she has feelings still, saying that i would not have walked in and out of someones life in a week after 3months nc. I know and her sis knows she worries about everythng, there was nothing to worry about this last week, if some one could have said we would be so good after 3 months break i would not have belived it.

Not just words but the actions and eye gazeing affection she showed me. But she has got major problems, shame you cant find it out before you fall aye.Maybe in time it will work out but you are right i cant put my life on hold. I would but need to know she is working on herself, and not sure she can do it on her own.

[stickman]

That's right...you can't know. For her, the fire and motivation MUST come from within...YOU can't light that fire for her. THAT is so frustrating for many of us!! Many people long to change...but just can't do it. You "gaze" in to her eyes knowing what she could do, what she could be...what she herself wants....but just can't change.

 

I am just afraid that you will continue to spin your wheels my friend...waiting and waiting and waiting for that day that will never come or live up to your expectations. ( I say this because that happened in my last relationship between me and her. We both wanted something that we could not give. And in the meantime we both deserved to be happy.)

 

YOU/We deserve to be happy in the NOW. Not weeks, months...YEARS from now. Start today!!!!!!

 

I really hope this helps you and others that read this.

[and again]

Thanks stickman, im going to try and in her way i hope she is also trying aswell. Its all there but at the same time it just isnt at the momment and maybe never will. Perhaps love alone is not enough. Bloody shame as we seem such a match on so many levals, apart from the main one, working it through together.

[and again]

Thanks stickman, im going to try and in her way i hope she is also trying aswell. Its all there but at the same time it just isnt at the momment and maybe never will. Perhaps love alone is not enough. Bloody shame as we seem such a match on so many levals, apart from the main one, working it through together.

[penelope13]

and again, you/ your brain is currently reiterating constantly: i love her, she loves me.

 

Thus you are emotionally totally stuck.

 

You have to force yourself to replace that main thought (I am not saying that you have to stop loving her), but your major thought should be: she is an alcoholic, she needs to make the first step towards help by herself.

 

Everything else (in respect to her) is currently irrelevant.

 

In the meantime you should also start to process your feelings in respect to the loss of your child and your emotional health in general

[penelope13]

and again, you/ your brain is currently reiterating constantly: i love her, she loves me.

 

Thus you are emotionally totally stuck.

 

You have to force yourself to replace that main thought (I am not saying that you have to stop loving her), but your major thought should be: she is an alcoholic, she needs to make the first step towards help by herself.

 

Everything else (in respect to her) is currently irrelevant.

 

In the meantime you should also start to process your feelings in respect to the loss of your child and your emotional health in general

[and again]

and again, you/ your brain is currently reiterating constantly: i love her, she loves me.

 

Thus you are emotionally totally stuck.

 

You have to force yourself to replace that main thought (I am not saying that you have to stop loving her), but your major thought should be: she is an alcoholic, she needs to make the first step towards help by herself.

 

Everything else (in respect to her) is currently irrelevant.

 

In the meantime you should also start to process your feelings in respect to the loss of your child and your emotional health in general

 

Penelope how do you mean i should process my feelings to the loss of the baby? That is one thing from the weekend that is really cutting me up, how she broke down, it was horrible.

[penelope13]

What do you feel in respect to the loss of the baby?

[and again]

Gutted, lost the baby i and ex so wanted, but what may seem horrible is that i lost the 2 of them at once. dont mean to keep going on about ex , but that is why she eventually ran because she seen it as i sign hat as with everything that means a lot in her life it all went wrong.

[penelope13]

I was actually asking about YOUR feelings about this, not your exes.

 

Is it possible that you have not 'lived' through the loss the baby yet and you have transferred those feelings of loss onto your ex?

[and again]

I was actually asking about YOUR feelings about this, not your exes.

 

Is it possible that you have not 'lived' through the loss the baby yet and you have transferred those feelings of loss onto your ex?

 

It could be possible but i dont think so, but every time i see a baby it reminds me of us.