Called ex last night and I got closure...

[Ms.Lady]

Some may remember about my ex boyfriend and how he became distant within the last month and a couple of weeks of our relationship. I ended it because of his distant behavior. He was very cold and unresponsive to me, canceling dates for the whole month & just not calling me. He never told me why he was distant and we just left things with unanswered questions. I basically told him I was breaking up with him and he told me to just do what I have to do. I ended it and that was the last I heard of him until today.

 

So after about 4 weeks of not talking I called him last night. He answered politely and asked me if I was ok. I told him no & he says that he wasn't either. He apologized for emotionally leaving the relationship and that he didn't know how to tell me exactly that he had to end things with me. He told me that he needs to soul search and find himself and to find out who he is. He said a relationship is just something that he doesn't need at the moment. It hurted when he told me that but I accepted it. He's under a lot of stress with his job because he's a manager at a restaurant.They have given him crazy hours to work.Also he recently lost his brother in a shooting and his grandmother who he was also very close to all within a week.He's talking about trying to go back to college but he's confused about life in general and his direction. I was very supportive and I told him that I was sorry to hear about his losses and I told him to pray and let god lead him in the right direction. I just can't understand why he couldn't tell me all of this from the get go.I told him if he ever needed someone to talk to that I would be there for him.

 

So after talking with him and trying to make him feel better. He told me that being friends with me would hurt too much because he cares very deeply for me.That he basically just have too much on his plate right now to invest in a relationship at the time. He told me not to wait on him and to move on with my life and find someone that will be there for me all the time. Something that he couldn't do as he says. He told me that he loves me and he wishes the best for me in life.I told him to take care and be strong. That was the end of that.

 

I understand and sympathize that he was going through problems.I just wish he could have confided in me and talk to me about those things,not shut me out of his life. I think there was more to it than that but I just feel a great relief to know why things ended. I'm still sad that things couldn't work out between us but now it doesn't seem as hard to move forward now that I got the closure that I wanted. I hope that he will be ok, he sounds very stressed.... I'm sad about his grandmother and his brother. Sigh life is just depressing sometimes... I don't feel as sad as before..I just hope he'll be ok...

[offplanet]

Some may remember about my ex boyfriend and how he became distant within the last month and a couple of weeks of our relationship. I ended it because of his distant behavior. He was very cold and unresponsive to me, canceling dates for the whole month & just not calling me. He never told me why he was distant and we just left things with unanswered questions. I basically told him I was breaking up with him and he told me to just do what I have to do. I ended it and that was the last I heard of him until today.

...

MsLady, I'm very glad you've made the break and had closure and are ok with it. You did well! Yes it's disappointing and silly that he couldn't have just told you earlier. People can be very hard to understand sometimes I hope you'll soon find someone warm and attentive, and that you'll do something nice for yourself in the meantime.

all the best

offplanet

[offplanet]

Some may remember about my ex boyfriend and how he became distant within the last month and a couple of weeks of our relationship. I ended it because of his distant behavior. He was very cold and unresponsive to me, canceling dates for the whole month & just not calling me. He never told me why he was distant and we just left things with unanswered questions. I basically told him I was breaking up with him and he told me to just do what I have to do. I ended it and that was the last I heard of him until today.

...

MsLady, I'm very glad you've made the break and had closure and are ok with it. You did well! Yes it's disappointing and silly that he couldn't have just told you earlier. People can be very hard to understand sometimes I hope you'll soon find someone warm and attentive, and that you'll do something nice for yourself in the meantime.

all the best

offplanet

[stickman]

Just thinking about all the stress that he is going through, I can relate to what he is going through and how one can become distant. You feel that is is natural to want to help him and fix his situation...and for him to want to share this with you. But, he may need to work through this on his own. That is the way he is "wired". That is just the way HE deals with stress. It may take quite a bit of time to work through these things on his own and he does not need the stress of a relationship in the meantime. Meaning I really think he does understand your needs and he understand that he can't give you what you need from him...for now. I think that is love.

 

I think that if there is love that lies underneath it all, anything is possible for the future. But, for now you will need to work on your own and get on with your life without him. He may return in the future if things change. The question is whether you will want to be with him if that were to happen.

 

For now, you did the right thing. YOU need to get busy with your life without him.

[WomanWriter]

Ms. Lady,

 

Your post could have been written by me about my ex. That is almost exactly what he told me, in essence.

 

Part of me is thinking, "those are just excuses." I mean, how many people have to deal with stress in their lives? Are all those people single? If we broke up with someone every time we were going through a personal crisis, wouldn't nobody be married?

 

Then again, the other part of me is thinking they do love us but have a totally different way of handling stress than we do. While we want to help, share, be part of their lives, they want distance to figure things out for themselves. My ex actually said "I don't want to be dependent on you." I didn't think of it that way at all but apparently he (and it seems many men...and maybe some women) do. I think of it as interdependent. That's what you would do with a friend...help with their problems. But they want to be strong and not bring us into it, I guess.

 

Anyway, my ex told me the same thing about not waiting for him. He said he still loves me but he can't give me what I want because he has to find himself. I still don't understand what this entails and why it means I have to be out of the picture for that to happen, but after reading your post, I guess it's just something that happens to some people.

 

Ms. Lady, I'm glad you go the closure you needed. Sometimes all it takes is one last contact to be able to finally grieve and let go. For me, it was an email.

 

I look forward to reading your updates!

[Ms.Lady]

Ms. Lady,

 

Your post could have been written by me about my ex. That is almost exactly what he told me, in essence.

 

Part of me is thinking, "those are just excuses." I mean, how many people have to deal with stress in their lives? Are all those people single? If we broke up with someone every time we were going through a personal crisis, wouldn't nobody be married?

 

I'm thinking this as well and it's driving me crazy.. I keep wondering if he was telling the truth about how he really felt or he was just trying to be polite about why he really ended things?? Apart of me fears that he lost interest because there was another woman and if I ever found out.. it would hurt my ego and my self esteem. I don't understand how someone can shut and turn off all of their feelings because of stress in their lives.. I don't know.

 

I feel better about the situation, however I'm confused about whether or not his feelings for me were ever sincere...

[journeynow]

This makes me cry, but I was hoping to add something supportive. . . .

 

((((Group Hug))))

[Ms.Lady]

This makes me cry, but I was hoping to add something supportive. . . .

 

((((Group Hug))))

 

 

Awww thanks. What hurts me is that it was just so easy for him to shut his feelings out for me. I understand he's going through things but it hurts that he pushed me aside. It hurts that our relationship wasn't that strong. If it was me, I would call him and confide in him about my problems..

[journeynow]

That would hurt me too. But I understand grief is a very difficult thing, and hear how it breaks up couples sometimes, esp. when one withdraws completely, it is so hard on the other. On top of that he has job worries. My heart goes out to each of you. You might call your local Hospice organization to see if they can direct you towards resources on grief, to help you. I don't know if you can help him, you might ask to talk to a grief volunteer about it. Our local Hospice, which I am involved with, has a whole department for helping people handle grief.