I cant deal with my past

[mr me]

Its really crazy because its nothing i did at least for the most part. Its all stuff i had happen to me or had to deal with. I had an abusive and neglectful toxic relationship. Ive grown up around stuff like that so it isnt hard to see that i would follow in those footsteps. Its just what kills me is i did everything i could possibly do to not go thru this. Its just for whatever reason i wasnt supposed to see what i was doing wrong until all of this happened to me. I cant even begin to describe the break-up because basically she was a completely different person. So im supposed to see that is who she really is or who she is now but i cant. It always comes down to me not being able to deal with the present. Ive been really depressed for over 2 years and when i mean really i mean for me to still even be able to talk about the stuff im going thru is crazy. I sometimes wish i could just completely go into my own world to get away and i do most of the time. Ive been dealing with being delusional and all types of really messed up and sick things. The crazy thing is I havent done anything bad or wrong to anyone eventho my mind is fulled with really sick and twisted things. I really dont like to go into any details or any type of specifics. Ive tried talking about stuff like that and either people think your crazy, dont know what to say or usually say something really negative. I dont know how to deal with someone saying anything bad to me when im at a place like this where im supposed to be having people help me.

 

I have a really hard time dealing with the bad things that are a part of life. Ive basically been in my own world my whole life and have had to deal with almost have another personality or having out of body experiences. I also dont have the easiest time with people because im so different that most people just dont understand me. Im supposed to be strong in the sense of individuality but i get tired of having to basically always be by myself because i get tired of being alone and dont like how alot of people treat you when your a loner. I dont see myself being a loner by choice but i definitely dont see how i can just try to fit in with people when there is basically no way. I could only see that if i tried to be someone else and ive tried to at least try to be somewhat like other people but it doesnt work for me. I dont know too many philosophical, introverted, non-conformist, rebellious, do-gooder, not college educated, coming from a very negative family life, been thru all of the crazy stuff ive had to deal with, and still dream of a better life. I can only see someone saying to keep trying, keep having faith or hope but i see that can only do so much good. It gets to a point where you need more than to just believe it or will it to happen. Im probably asking for way too much but its like with all the crazy negative stuff that could of probably drove me crazy, and im still not sure because alot of people that seem to be really gifted and troubled do have a tendency to go crazy and even if i dont end up crazy maybe alone. I know that stuff like that isnt exactly the happiest thing to think about but ive been trying to stop my life from being a train wreck my whole life.

 

I only come from a family with alot of single parent mothers or dysfunctional parents with a history of depression and suicidal attempts. I then see maybe im just supposed to move on from my past but the whole point of moving on is actually being able to deal with things so you can move on. I didnt even get to talk about the other side of my family or all the issues i have with my own parents. I think the one good thing that hopefully im able to do is focus on me now because all of this stuff has been so depressing for so long and idk how but maybe now it can be something that stops bringing me down. I guess i doubt it but i can at least see where that takes me. I always feel like my family or my past will be something that will be a problem for me but there isnt much i can do. I also have a tendency of trying to validate myself to people that have alot of negative things to say but being depressed that seems like the only thing i can do to stop them from getting to me. I also see that i end up helping myself by writing all of this which is what ive had to do my whole life because i dont see who could really help me with my life with the things that end up happening to me because they dont seem to ever happen to anyone else. So i dont really see anyone i can relate to or get advice on how to deal with it or even see that i can actually deal with it.

[jsudz2430]

Pick up and leave, if I woke up in your shoes I would probably try my hardest to make things better like what you say you have infact done. If that wouldn't work and the relationships with my family were bad as you say, I would try to go somewhere else. Look around online for an apartment or something in a different town and start over. Sometimes that's what some people need. A fresh start. Go to a new town, see new places and people and start fresh. Nobody there will know that you are a loner or know anything about what you have been through. Act like who you want to be, and since everything is new, nobody you are around will think anything different of you. It'll start to feel better. I am saying this because as I said this is what I would try to do if I woke up in your shoes, that's all. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just what I would do based on what I read.

[mr me]

Ive thought of this alot but im not in a position to do that. Im not able to work right now because of my depression and on top of that i dont think my family can really support themselves without another person bringing in income eventho i dont think that would really stop me. Ive heard all the cliche things like you only stopping yourself or whatever it is but if i am its not something im aware of because being here is driving me crazy. I also need time to get back on my feet before i really would be able to deal with the stress of starting over and taking on all that responsibility. I honestly dont know how i havent tried to commit suicide or do something really stupid with all the issues that im going thru. Its like everyday is basically impossible to deal with but somehow i manage. I just dont really know because i dont see things gettin better with the way they are now but i guess thats just how its supposed to be. I dont really know but i guess thats all i can see right now.

[Jetta]

Get into therapy for one, you'll learn to break away from your "toxic past". Get educated or get a descent job, and move out on your own. Focus on what you can do to better yourself or your enviornment, not what's wrong with it. That's one technique I can teach you. You can take medication to ease the symptoms of depression or remove them entirely if your lucky. You can then decided what you want to do with your life and take steps to achieve those things. Make a list of your goals, and then determine what you need to do to achieve those goals. Good luck.

[mr me]

I mean not to sound unappreciative but this is advice that you get all the time. I just dont think anyone could understand unless they went thru it when things are so bad you cant deal with them. Its like right now im really suicidal and ive been this way for a really long time but even with me trying to do things that are supposed to help like therapy, meds, or anything really when it comes down to it nothing is helping me. Im stuck in another world where all i can do is just deal with whatever im going thru because i dont see any end in sight. Its crazy really like i dont want to kill myself and i try to find ways not to but when it comes to the reality of what i went thru or am going thru i dont see how else to deal with it. Its pretty much impossible. I can try one thing and in my mind its like it will do everything to sabotage it to where i cant even think if im doing anything good for myself or ill just ruin it. I also wanted to talk about how bad things where before to where eventho i knew i wouldnt kill myself i would try to be a person that would really do it because i cant deal with my life. Its crazy because growing up my whole life i saw how things were going to be a certain way for me or i would make things happen and instead all im doing is being stuck being depressed with really no way out. Its disgusting and sick. I just dont get how it could ever get this bad and how your supposed to somehow find a way out of this. Ive done everything and ive done it over quite a few times but it just doesnt work like that. I dont just have it where i can just do something and things will get better.