my bf said something unexpected

[indigochick]

This afternoon I was telling my bf how I felt that it is important that we have alone time just the 2 of us. Every week we have a scheduled SUN & Mon to spend together. This past 2-3 weeks hes been inviting me to spend saturdays with him because his friends throw parties. We end up spending sundays with his friends too, which is cool, but this week I started feeling like I'm getting ripped off a day that I should be spending alone with him. I enjoy hanging out w/him and his friends but I feel like he has time to spend w/them 5 days a week and I only get 2, so I want to spend those 2 days ALONE with just him as much as possible. Yesterday he told me that 2day would be our day alone. When we got up this morning he tells me that he wants 2 go 2 his friends job to wash his car cause he had been attempting to do so 4 two weeks and asked me if that was cool, I honestly didnt want 2 but I told him it was ok 2 please him. we watched a movie in his room and then went to wash his car.When we came back he told me that he was gonna workout. When he told me that, I felt like every little thing he needed 2 do was cutting time away that he could be spending doing something with me. so I told him that I felt like we hadn't really spent any time 2gether 2day like I wanted 2. He said we've been spending all day together and a couple of hours yesterday. Conversation turned and we started talking about time to his friends vs my time. I would like 1 on 1 time and told him that. He said even though his friends were with us, he feels he spent it with me. After some minutes of every aspect on the matter, he ends up saying he doesnt have fun with just me. I looked away to hold my tears and as I was doing that he then proceeded to clarify that he has more fun with me and his friends as a group than one on one, and that hes a "more the merrier" type of person and told me not to take it personal. I told him that I wanted to make plans for us to do something just the 2 of us this coming weekend and he agreed but now I feel like it's gonna' be in vain cause I think I'm gonna enjoy it more than he is. ..... Plz give me ur opinion on the matter!

[Sn0man]

Some people just like being social. That he likes taking you out with his friends is great! I've heard many complaints about men not taking their gf's out with their friends. If he's a social type, which i'm thinking he is, try doing fun stuff in your 'just the two of you' time, like taking a sunday drive, go to a pub to play pool or air hockey, go out for dinners somewhere cool, hit the beach ... whatever. Movies can get stale. So can hanging around the house all day. Just some ideas.

[thejigsup]

I have more fun with my bf when we are with our friends. That's just the way I am. I love alone time with him, but group things are better. I love him to bits, so it has nothing to do with feelings. Your bf is probably just a social person, much like me.

[offplanet]

. After some minutes of every aspect on the matter, he ends up saying he doesnt have fun with just me. I looked away to hold my tears and as I was doing that he then proceeded to clarify that he has more fun with me and his friends as a group than one on one, and that hes a "more the merrier" type of person and told me not to take it personal. I told him that I wanted to make plans for us to do something just the 2 of us this coming weekend and he agreed but now I feel like it's gonna' be in vain cause I think I'm gonna enjoy it more than he is. ..... Plz give me ur opinion on the matter!

 

This situation isn't going to change, so maybe you should consider whether you want to continue with someone who doesn't enjoy one on one, whereas you want and need that. It's just your different personalities. If he does agree to one on one with you, you're right, he probably won't really enjoy it and be only doing it because you insisted on it. Is that the kind of relationship you really want to have?

 

I understand this situattion because I got married to a guy very similar, always seemed to want other people around, not just us. That made me quite unhappy, for one reason because I'm an introvert and not comfortable around people for long, and for another reason, I thought it mean't he didn't like me much. Regardless of which reason, it just didn't work out, and not for that reason, we eventually split up. Now I'm very glad we split up, and would hate to ever have to go back to that situation. Just something to think about.

 

offplanet

[Batya33]

I agree it is mostly an issue of compatibility but I also see it somewhat as a red flag. There are several situations in long term relationships where you want to be sure you two have fun just being together - one on one - for example, taking a vacation is voluntary but do you really want to worry that if you take a one on one vacation (which most couples do, at some point, even if it's not till a honeymoon) that he won't have as much fun with you if his friends don't come (or unless he meets people while at a resort, for example so he can hang out in a group?).

 

I would want to know that my partner and I could have fun -- and be happy - - just hanging out together one on one. Obviously it's also fun to be with friends but I think there's a difference between a healthy balance and someone feeling that socializing is always superior to one on one time.

 

 

I also think this has to do with his age and stage - he is still at the stage where he doesn't want to feel tied down or domestic - he doesn't want to miss out on what his friends are doing and he still finds the "I got so wasted last night that I ___" war stories and he would hate not to have been there especially if it is because "I was with my girlfriend". Do his friends have SOs they spend alone time with, by the way?

 

I would go ahead with the one on one plans but make this the last time you put in this effort - he knows what you want and need and let him step up to the plate and make some plans for the two of you. Also, the more you push the one on one stuff on him the more forced it will feel - and the less fun.

 

(and, why not make plans with your friends on the Sundays that he wants to spend with his friends after a Saturday night?)

[Ms Darcy]

I understand how you can feel hurt. It sounds like you are an introvert, where you get your energy a bit more from reflection and quiet time, and he's an extrovert, where he gets his energy from being around others.

 

It's not a hopeless case, but I do think that you should continue to observe and see if you are happy with the relationship as time goes on.

 

Honestly, I think if you spent a little less time together, he'd be more interested in spending some time alone. Compromise is good here. A little time with the friends mixed with a little time alone together.

 

Best.

[indigochick]

I understand how you can feel hurt. It sounds like you are an introvert, where you get your energy a bit more from reflection and quiet time, and he's an extrovert, where he gets his energy from being around others.

 

It's not a hopeless case, but I do think that you should continue to observe and see if you are happy with the relationship as time goes on.

 

Honestly, I think if you spent a little less time together, he'd be more interested in spending some time alone. Compromise is good here. A little time with the friends mixed with a little time alone together.

 

Best.

How much more less time am I supposed 2 spend with him? I only get 2 days a week. He spends 5 days with his friends....should I cut it down to one?

[Ms Darcy]

How about mixing it up so it's not two days in a row like Wednesday and Sunday? That might work better.

[Ms Darcy]

How about mixing it up so it's not two days in a row like Wednesday and Sunday? That might work better.