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Tired of mom acting the way she is and would like advice....


RoxyGril
How To Tell A Mother-In-Law To Mind...
How To Tell A Mother-In-Law To Mind Her Own Business?

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Both of my parents are divorced and remarried (2nd marriage for both of them). I went to visit my mom, step dad and sibilings yestarday for a couple of hours before I had to go to a get together with my bf's family. So, when I was at my mom's house everyone was hanging outside and talking. One of the first thing's my mom said to me was "So, how do you like that your bf is tearing you away from your family?" I automatically said that "I don't want to talk about." It pissed me off and didn't want to get in any type of drama cause it was Easter and I wasn't there to get in a heated arugement. But, she just looked at me like 'I couldn't believe you just said that,' and didn't say anything else after that and also that she couldn't believe I said that. So, that was the end of that conversation.

 

I have posted threads before about how my bf doesn't like my bf for really ridiclous reasons and how she is with me as well. She is always so negative with me and with the things that I do. She has never been supportive of what I have done and always say things that are never encouraging at all.

 

I have learned that she will never change to become better and that she will only get worse. It's just said that not a lot of people can see the bad side of her. She always blames everything that I have done and what I do now on my bf. Which is not true at all cause I believe that I am growing up and I should be able to do things as an adult. What I am doing has nothing to do with my bf. He's only showing me really great things and opening doors for me and to see things that I haven't done before. What he's doing is to open my eyes and to get myself out there cause I have be so shealtered my mom.

 

Another thing is that my mom just said that my older sister is her best daughter cause she is the only one that listens to her. Which I knew that she was meaning that to see if I would get pissed off by that. I think she said that cause I didn't do what she said to do my breaking up with my bf and my situation of moving out.

 

Sorry to say but my mom is a *****...Really how can she be that hurtful towards one of her own kids. She has been verbally abusive not just towards me but as well as my sibilings. It's just said that I have been the only one to recognize that and to get out of that kind of situation. Though I still need to break away from her. I don't need to deal with a person like that anymore.

 

She goes out with her friends until 12 or 1 at night "shopping" which I don't get. It's like she's trying to be a freakin' teenager again. I just don't understand why she's doing this. I don't know if it's because she started having kids young and never got to experiance life. I just have a feeling that the way that she is acting and handling herself that there is something going on behind my step dad's back. IDK why I have that feeling but I just do for some reason and which if something does happen I wouldn't be suprised.

 

Sorry I had to vent cause it just pisses me off really...I am just fed up with having a childish mom who has to cause drama as if she is in high school. It would be nice to have a mom that can act like a mom as well as her age.

 

Advice would be great to help me figure out where to go from here.....

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That's too bad. It sounds like you should just keep your level of contact with her limited to holidays and things that are necessary. It sounds like she has some control issues and there's nothing you can do about it except for choose not to be a part of it. It's best just to accept her for who she is and love her from an arm's length. If you can put it on yourself to be the adult in the situation then who knows, maybe your example will rub off on her a little.

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Now this has made me realize now that I really don't need the drama and all in my life. It just cause me to be upset and that my mom is pushing me away. I had this feeling that she was up to something and that if it happens to come up then all I can say really is that I knew it. Now this situation has now really vaildated my feeling that I've had for sometime now. But, definitely separating myself from it cause I don't need that in my life and to have so much drama around me. It's just to bad that nobody else can see it from my view in that household other then the people who can see the big picture of it....

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I just feel somewhat lost cause I don't have the healthest mom. It's just that I should be getting the support from her but I don't. Though I know that I can't change that or her. It's just fustrating cause I can't go to her about things because I don't trust her at all. I have never trusted her even when I lived there with her. Also, it's just sad to see my older sister who is 25 following in the exact same foot steps as our mom. It's just crazy how much they are alike and they think that there's nothing wrong with them but in reality there is. Though I know that I can change them whatsoever and that they are only able to change themselves.

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I just started a new post, I should've replied to this one! I'm having the same issues... for years now. I am considering cutting my mother off. I've had enough.

 

I'm not very religious, but I found this website, which is quite enlightening and it gives you things to think about amongst all the talk about God's way and work etc. It really makes it black and white for me, and what I should do.

 

I've just joined up, is it ok to post links?

 

Anyway... here's a bit of it:

 

In order to decide whether to stay or walk away, it is important to analyze exactly what the chances are that our relationship will ever be the loving relationship we deserve. To help us find a clue to our future with our abusive or controlling relative, we need to objectively analyze the past and the present with this person. Experience is a great teacher. If we refuse to learn from past experience, then we need to seek counseling and find out why we are so resistant to the truth. Here are some questions we need to consider when analyzing our relationship:

 

Concerning the relationship itself:

 

Am I benefiting from this relationship, or is it a one-way street? It is mutually beneficial, or am I doing all the giving? What exactly is the other person bringing to the party?

 

Am I enjoying this relationship?

 

Is it mutually respectful?

 

Do I look forward to being with this person, or do I dread it?

 

How does this relationship impact my quality-of-life? Is it enhancing my life or detracting from it? What am I getting out of this?

 

Is this relationship good for me? Do I feel good about it? Do I receive love, care and nurturing when I need it?

 

Does it make me feel good about myself, or does it make me feel as if I have no self-respect because I put up with such poor treatment?

 

Is this relationship affecting my health?

 

Is it affecting my ability to concentrate, or my job?

 

Have I ever lost sleep over this relationship?

 

Is it affecting my enjoyment of my own life, my children or my time with them?

 

Are holidays, birthdays, and other family events often ruined for me?

 

Is having this person in my life causing problems in my marriage?

 

Is having this person in my life causing my children to be upset, confused or affected in any way?

 

Am I setting a good or bad example for my children by having contact with this person? Is having this person in my life sending a message to my children that we accept and tolerate offensive behavior, betrayal, abuse, disloyalty, dishonesty, etc? Is this person a good influence on my children, or a bad influence?

 

Is this a generally positive or mostly negative relationship?

 

Am I the only one interested in working on and improving our relationship?

 

Is my relative just as interested in keeping our relationship together as I am? Is she willing to do whatever it takes to have a positive relationship with me? Is she just not interested in putting anything into our relationship? Or does she go to the opposite extreme, becoming angry, or threatening to disown me or stop speaking to me if I complain?

 

If I were to be totally honest with myself, do I really believe that this person is ever going to change? Do I really feel that this relationship will ever be any different, or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

 

Assuming nothing ever changes, do I see myself going on like this for the rest of my life?

 

Hope that wasnt' too much. There's heaps more articles and info on there. I've also found a few blogs of women that are dealing with exactly the same kind of thing.

 

Anyway.. it's taking me years to realise - You can't change someone if they dont want to be helped. I have done EVERYTHING. I have tried to organise therapy, I have tried to nourish her soul in spiritual ways and also in ways like pampering with hair/makeup etc. But it's all the same. The same result.

 

And like one those questions above... do I really want to do this FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE??? Nothing has changed for the 26 years I've be around, it's pretty unlikely it will in the future.

 

Short of cutting your mother off though, boundaries are very important. Calling her on your terms, not induldging them in arguements. I'm just sick of the battle. I feel your pain. I have friends with mothers who are just lovely, and I wish that I had a relationship like that.

 

- A.

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I can say that I can answer every one of those questions that you posted which makes me feel that I don't necessarily want to cut her off completely cause she is my mom. But, at the same time I do want to cut her off cause I feel that I am never going to make her happy let alone her making me happy. I know she cares in some type of way but she doesn't express it or even know how to at least...It seems as if I am just becoming really exhausted from it.

 

It's just sad that she acts like a total different person around other people (and her friends). Which these people can't see the real her and it's really annoying. It's just hard cause it's like you want your mom to accept you and to be happy for whatever you may do in your life. But, any of that is always turned into some negative aspect and it's never good enough. I read in a book called 'Understanding the Boarderline Mother' it basically gave a understanding on how to deal with a mother which are often unable to validate the child's experiences. This book covers the topic of "splitting," and how/why the Borderline mother considers her child either "all good" or "no good." The last third of the book explores what children of these mothers can do in order to cope with this incurable disorder, particularly methods for setting limits on a Borderline mother's inappropriate behaviors. The parts on setting limits are the best I have ever come accross in this type of book. She encourages the child to try to maintain a healthy relationship, but not at the expense of the child's emotional well-being, stating that:

 

"Sometimes adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their [borderline] mothers that they choose not to have contact at all. No one has the right to pass judgment on such situations. Every human being has the right to protect his or her own life. In some cases, it is in the best interest of both mother and child to disengage completely."

 

 

Which I am glad this book was written cause it has help to understand how my mom is and how to deal with her at certain times, children raised by Borderline mothers are in desperate need of support and understanding. They grow up in a world that is contradictory and emotionally confusing. The following thoughts are common among children with borderline mothers:

 

1. "I never know what to expect."

2. "I don't trust her."

3. "She says it didn't happen."

4. "She makes me feel terrible."

5. "Everyone else thinks she's great."

6. "It's all or nothing."

7. "She's so negative."

8. "She flips out."

9. "Sometimes I can't stand her."

10. "She drives me crazy."

 

Which alot of this I can say that I have said!

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