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No longer sure about Marriage


little_mouse

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hi

 

my partner and i recently got engaged. we have been together for just over 5 years now.

 

prior to this i had done the "monica thing and had a very sad file full of pictures of what flowers i would like for my wedding etc. my partner and i had openly discussed getting married and we were both been in agreement that this was something that we both wanted

 

when he finally properly asked me to marry him and when we went ring shopping i thought i would be excited for us but i wasnt. quite to the contrary infact, deep down i actually felt horrified

 

i feel like i am living a charade. everyone is fussing but i still feel shell shocked.

 

i have been engaged before, and nearly got married once and it never felt this way with them and i dont know what this means for us.

 

i know alot of you may say i am just having cold feet but i think that it is much more profound than that. am i having real commitment issues? do i just no longer want marriage full stop? what does this mean for our relationship?

 

he has no idea i feel like this and i dont know what to do

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i thought that i was committed to him and that i could happily spend the rest of my life with him

 

i think that if the engagement hadnt been made official then we would have quite happily pottered on but i think that what is frightening me is that these feelings have started to make me question our relationship which i just didnt expect

 

im just really not sure what to make of it all

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In this case, I think a little history of your past relationships would help.

 

1. How old are you?

2. How long have you been together?

3. Why did the other engagements end? Did you initiate the break-ups?

4. How would you describe your general level of self-esteem?

5. What's your parents' relationship like? Are they together and happy?

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hi

 

 

 

when he finally properly asked me to marry him and when we went ring shopping i thought i would be excited for us but i wasnt. quite to the contrary infact, deep down i actually felt horrified

 

i feel like i am living a charade. everyone is fussing but i still feel shell shocked.

 

 

i know alot of you may say i am just having cold feet but i think that it is much more profound than that. am i having real commitment issues? do i just no longer want marriage full stop? what does this mean for our relationship?

 

he has no idea i feel like this and i dont know what to do

 

I do not think you have cold feet. I think you have a gut that is screaming right now and you should pay close attention. You should be relishing this time and picturing your future...the fact that you feel horrified is really a bad sign. I am so sorry, because I know what this is like. Please do not ignore it. I hope this is helpful to you in some way.

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You should definitely not go ahead with the marriage. Your reactions are giving you that information. I sincerely hope you don't go ahead just because the plans are made and the awkwardness of explaining you've changed your mind. Just think of the future years and years of regret, compared with the relief and new lease of life you'll get after a short time span of discomfort from telling them. Be brave, it will be worth it.

 

In the week before my own wedding many years ago I had doubts whether I wanted to do this. I had OCD so it was quite hard to tell. Anyway, what clinched it for me was that my uncle had flown in from another state to give me away, and I thought for that reason I couldn't change my mind. Imagine that, for the waste of a plane ticket, I sealed my future fate. That is ridiculous!

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In the week before my own wedding many years ago I had doubts whether I wanted to do this. I had OCD so it was quite hard to tell. Anyway, what clinched it for me was that my uncle had flown in from another state to give me away, and I thought for that reason I couldn't change my mind. Imagine that, for the waste of a plane ticket, I sealed my future fate. That is ridiculous!

 

So did you get married or not? Happy or not?

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Ms Darcy..

 

1. How old are you? 31

 

2. How long have you been together? 5 years

 

3. Why did the other engagements end? Did you initiate the break-ups?

 

my first boyfriend called our engagment/relationship off because i had "a lot of emotional issues" that he said he couldnt deal with - we got together when we were 18, my parents died when i was 19 and we split when i was 22 - it was the reprocutions of my reactions to my parents death that i think he couldnt handle

 

my second boyfriend everything was fine until he lost his job, we couldnt afford to pay for the wedding so it was cancelled. after that he never managed to keep a job so after a year of empty promises i broke our engagment/relationship off

 

4. How would you describe your general level of self-esteem?

i have always had self-esteem issues but i would say that whilst its not fixed it is much better now than it used to be as i have over the recent years been working on myself so to speak ie, i took the plunge and have got into uni for my passion - art, but it is something that has always terrified me because i never thought i was good enough to do it and i constantly surprise myself which boosts me up - does this make sense, sorry to waffle there?!?!?!

 

5. What's your parents' relationship like? Are they together and happy?

my parents were together for over 40 years. they had a healthy love hate relationship, you could always see how devoted to each other and in love with one another they were but as i have already said they died over 10 years ago

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Ms Darcy..

 

1. How old are you? 31

 

2. How long have you been together? 5 years

 

3. Why did the other engagements end? Did you initiate the break-ups?

 

my first boyfriend called our engagment/relationship off because i had "a lot of emotional issues" that he said he couldnt deal with - we got together when we were 18, my parents died when i was 19 and we split when i was 22 - it was the reprocutions of my reactions to my parents death that i think he couldnt handle

 

my second boyfriend everything was fine until he lost his job, we couldnt afford to pay for the wedding so it was cancelled. after that he never managed to keep a job so after a year of empty promises i broke our engagment/relationship off

 

4. How would you describe your general level of self-esteem?

i have always had self-esteem issues but i would say that whilst its not fixed it is much better now than it used to be as i have over the recent years been working on myself so to speak ie, i took the plunge and have got into uni for my passion - art, but it is something that has always terrified me because i never thought i was good enough to do it and i constantly surprise myself which boosts me up - does this make sense, sorry to waffle there?!?!?!

 

5. What's your parents' relationship like? Are they together and happy?

my parents were together for over 40 years. they had a healthy love hate relationship, you could always see how devoted to each other and in love with one another they were but as i have already said they died over 10 years ago

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Little Mouse,

 

Thank you for answering those questions. Whilst it doesn't explain everything, it does give me a sense of where you are coming from. It helps to know that you had a healthy upbringing so that the uncertainty isn't from not knowing how to love or not knowing what love is. Also, in going back to school for art, you've shown a lot of courage in the face of fear - which helps us all build confidence. You are growing and I'm happy for you.

 

But yet remains this doubt. You are 31 and you've been together for a long time (5 years). To me, this suggests that there is something missing here. It's either him or it's you. Do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you interested in dating others? Are you worried that marriage won't be what you've cracked it up to be?

 

These are only questions you can answer. I won't say that you can't have a great marriage with this guy. I'm not married, but I know that when I question my partner and our relationship, it often stems from personal doubts about myself and my own life. I would suggest talking to him openly about your doubts, postponing the wedding, and doing some serious reflection about what you want. It will be hard for him and he'll wonder if you even want to be with him ... that's a question only you can answer.

 

Best of luck.

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