Will I ever love that way again?

[Nixee]

I don't even know if this belongs in the healing section anymore... or maybe personal growth, but I put it here because I woke up today really thinking about my ex.

 

It has been 2 1/2 years since we split. I've had at least 7-8 lovers since him I think? I don't even know anymore... is that bad? I've been in one semi-serious relationship... but my heart wasn't in it and I left. Then I fell head over heels in love with someone... yet they were emotionally shut off and they had to walk away, and I don't know that any of this has done me any good.

 

I do feel healed from the wounds my ex left me, and I DO feel I've learned from our mistakes. I feel I've grown. I've taken time to know who I am. I've made huge changes in my life.... I'm pursuing my dreams, I'm taking care of myself.

 

Yet when I go back and read old letters and emails between the two of us.... I'm missing that now still. That connection. I don't talk that way with ANYONE anymore. Like you've just known someone forever and you don't hold anything back and you want the world for them.

 

Every connection I make now is guarded. I hold back, the other person holds back... and we all have our reasons. We've all been hurt. And so I don't fall. I just don't. I LIKE people well enough... but that mutual connection... it just doesn't seem to happen.

 

My ambitions and my life... everything is in the now and the future, and it is healthy and exciting. But my love and my ability to truly and deeply connect.... it feels so lost in the past, and I feel incomplete without it.

 

I don't know how to regain this. I keep waiting for it to just 'happen'... for me to just meet someone and just feel IT.. that thing again. But it doesn't. Or when I think maybe I've felt that spark... it disappears, or it isn't the same, and I feel hollow again. And people can tell me that, "well... of course it'll be bound to feel different the next time, or as you get older.." and I know this... but I also know that you should feel SOMETHING, some excitement. I shouldn't be questioning things. I shouldn't feel dead on the inside. You should have some sense of just KNOWING when things are right.

 

But not me. I question a lot more than I know. And with the except of one man, all I've done is question.

 

I've healed. I know I've healed from the wounds. I want to know how to love again.

[Goldilocks]

Hmm

 

I am very much in love with my boyfriend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sometimes though I go through old e mails, pictures etc of me and my ex and I find I miss him and what we had. I think that kind of nostalgia is just something that is when you’ve loved someone very much. It did not work out for a reason and in the beginning it just all hurts, but as time passes I find I remember what was good and forget what was bad.

 

If you can try to look forward instead of back, focus on all that is good in your life and not what is missing. Perhaps you need to do more thinking, or moving on before your ready to fall in love again?

 

As for the dating, its only bad if you feel bad about it.

[canali]

First get rid of all those damaging "shoulds" ....they will eat you up as they are not real but instead rigid rules and entities that don't exist...be more compassionate with yourself ok...but as per your need for something more than it means you have to really want something more to and take actions for such...and look to date or be with someone who wants something more too....you have to risk...open your heart...dream and be with some one on that same level of desire timing and compatibility... hugs!

[Nixee]

That's just the thing though... I feel ready. Very very ready to to fall in love. I'm looking back today, yes. But its been 2 1/2 years. I don't need to move on anymore. I don't think about my ex anymore.

 

I don't know I do try to look forward most of the time. At least I think I do.

I guess lately, romantically speaking at least, it just feels like going through the motions. I suppose I'm looking back today because the past is the only time I've felt anything REAL.

 

Its true about dating only being bad if you feel bad. I guess I'm trying not to feel bad. My problem seems to be just that I can't force myself to FEEL period. I go through the motions, and that is it. I'm not unhappy... but I don't feel excited, as much as I want to be. I just feel hollow. No more sparks.

 

And yes, maybe the "shoulds" sound bad... but I don't know... are they not true? Of course I want to and try to be compassionate with myself... but there comes a time when settling for feeling hollow and not feeling passion just isn't enough. I want more and I SHOULD feel more. That should belongs there, and this is me trying so hard to wake up and be proactive about it. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to fall in love, or who to fall in love with?

[90_hour_sleep]

do you feel like you worry a lot? if that's the case, then you're caught up in a future of pain. it may not be terrible pain, but it's pain that's preventing you from being who you are right now. honestly, i don't think there's any way

to truly love if you can't be present right NOW. think about the time when you really were in love? did you obsess over the future? were you constantly visiting your past and letting it hurt you? probably not. that's the beauty of love. it forces us to be present (or maybe more accurately, we're able to love because we ARE present).

 

what were the conditions for your breakup 2.5 years ago? it sounds like you still carry that love around.

[Nixee]

I certainly used to worry a lot. I think some of the things I used to worry about I have learned to let go... but some things I didn't used to worry about... I now do. Such as being able to love. That never used to be a worry for me, because I used to love so freely.

So yes... I suppose I am guarded now, but I don't know how to stop. I've been pretty torn apart by experiences, and I know it has made me cynical.

 

As for my breakup with my ex... I guess the long and short of it is that we tried for a long time to make things work, but we couldn't, and in the end he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker, who he ultimately left me for after being with him for about 7 years.

 

 

 

Looking back from where I am now, I don't feel anger anymore, and I just look at things very objectively. What he did was unfair, and he should have communicated more with me. But I was also not fair to him, and I was too dependent on him for love. .... Ironically... the tables have turned now, and I am so completely independent and self-sufficient now. If only I'd been more like this when we were together... I honestly don't think we ever would have broken up. I think I've become the girl he always wanted. ..... I just can't love the same way. And I can't have him. Or I don't. And not anyone like him. And it is lonely.

[90_hour_sleep]

do you think it has anything to do with the engagement? sounds like you had relatively smooth sailing there for awhile. the full reality of the situation has finally hit you. is there a chance you were holding on to something with him...i mean deep down? now you're having to kind of let go all over again?

 

might be way off base here. i know you mentioned you don't consciously think about him anymore. the fact that you've 'become the woman he always wanted' makes me wonder if the changes you've made have been for you personally...or if somewhere inside you were trying to change for him.

[arwen]

Hey nixee,

 

Like you, I thought it would never ever happen again that I'd fall for someone the way I fell for my Ex. And in a way, that is true, because I found someone with who I am a much better match, and the connection with him is completely different.

 

What I am saying, is that with every relationship with go through, we get a certain idea of what we think we should feel or what a relationship 'is'. Every new connection can add to or alter these ideas. In my case, I had no idea that I could be fearlessly in love. In the past, love was connected to a strange sense of fear (the fear to loose). In retrospect, I know that I simply didn't trust my Ex 100%.

 

I think that you have come a long long way, and are on the road that moves on from your ex. It's natural that you feel guarded in your connection to others- you've just been hurt. I think that once you are further on this road, you will feel more confident and free in the steps you take.

[Nixee]

Well the engagement had a huge affect on me... I can't lie... but its long past now too. They got married in October. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, and my last attempt at contact was ignored by him, even though deep down I know he does still care. We never fought, and in our last correspondence he told me he wishes me well and will always think well of me and worry about me, and I believe him. I guess I just tend to believe that he feels it inappropriate to be in contact with me because of his new wife and the circumstances under which they got together.

 

So... holding on to something with him? That I don't know. I want to say I don't think so. I feel like a part of me will always love him though. But he's married... and he's happy.

 

The changes I've made... I didn't make them FOR him. I know that much. I think what is hard though is that he wasn't just a lover to me. He was honestly a best friend, and he taught me about myself. So being with him all that time, and then losing him... of course it helped me realize what changes I needed to make for the better. The end result makes me a better person. ... I just think it is somewhat funny... and also somewhat sad that I could end up being exactly what he wanted me to be for so long, and that it is too late, you know?

 

I feel grateful that I've learned what I have from him... very grateful. I'm just really hoping that I get the chance to feel that depth of love again... because lately, I always feel like something is stopping me.

[Nixee]

This is what I am ultimately hoping for too Arwen... a BETTER match.

 

I know that my ex and I were not always right for each other on paper, and that definitely caused problems. But I guess the thing was.... it never mattered so much to me at the time because.... I loved him. I just loved him SOOO much, and I'd never felt such an intense connection, and I couldn't imagine being without it, or ever feeling it again.

 

And now, years later.... sure enough, I'm still searching for it... so I guess I can't help but wonder if I sealed my own fate by being so darned attached to him?

 

See... with my ex... what we had WAS that fearless love I think. Passionate, blind, insane, full of need and phrases like "love of my life" and "soulmate". It was the romantic kind. But, on the other hand, it was also the kind of love that in turn makes you temporarily ignore it if you don't see eye to eye on things, until eventually you are at each other's throats. Plenty of love and passion, but plenty of bickering too.

 

So now... I look for a mate, and I tell myself "oh I could never be with someone who is ___ or ____ like my ex was" ... feeling like I've wizened up. Making sure to look for basic compatibility, and hoping that mature love will grow from there. .... But it hasn't. I keep trying, and I feel nothing it seems. No passion, no spark.

 

But I so hope you are right. I hope the whole package DOES exist. Maybe my eyes just aren't fully open yet.

[canali]

I stand by my rejection of "the shoulds" especially now with more info...honestly it sounds like you are still grieving and trying to get your bearings on who you are and what you want....this is what I meant by avoiding the "shoulds" you are obviously not where you wish to be for some reason and no "should" will make that come any quicker....instead by not accepting your state right now I wonder if you are just prolonging it?...that is the thing with pain: we want to run from it and/or process it quickly ie it hurts right?...IMO numbness and feeling blah or apathy is a form of avoidance or need for healing time out ie maybe your spirit really needs more time out to heal. Let's face it too: ending a 7 year gig and then seeing your ex get married just 6 months ago would still be traumatic and fresh in my mind...just my 2 cents....this is what I meant by being kind to yourself in avoiding the "shoulds" and opening up to the pain... listening to it processing it on your own uniquely individual schedule.

[canali]

Congrats arwen! I like her advice too ie are you comparing your ex with new potential mates unawears? I love her suggestion to open ourselves up & make room for a new lover to fulfill our needs in some ways we were not prepared for (because we were still relating that fulfillment to our past lover and how they did that)...thoughts?

[Nixee]

are you comparing your ex with new potential mates unawears? I love her suggestion to open ourselves up & make room for a new lover to fulfill our needs in some ways we were not prepared for (because we were still relating that fulfillment to our past lover and how they did that)...thoughts?

 

I think the better way to describe what I do is probably just comparing my OWN feelings for current lovers to my OWN feelings for my ex back then instead.

 

Maybe there is some part of me that subconsciously worries and wonders if these new men I've encountered just don't "get" me as well, or connect with me as much.... but ultimately I know that it comes down to me just not feeling as much.

 

I think I feel open. I want to feel open. But so far I just don't feel fulfilled. If I am closed off, I guess I don't know in what ways I am, or how to open up.

 

I do know that my ex was the sort of person who dug into me and really tried hard to get to know me, and we ended up connecting deeply because of it. But I also felt open to that at the time. Perhaps I am less open and more cynical now, this is true.

 

And yes, perhaps you are right... perhaps there is still a bit of sting involved in thinking about my ex getting married. It is and was traumatic, no doubt about that. But what is there to do about that? I honestly don't feel like it is him I am holding on to so much. But maybe the caliber of love we once had... perhaps so.

[90_hour_sleep]

try not to let the past be your prison. you've developed a pattern of comparing feelings for others to the feelings of this one particular guy.

let the thoughts go. in answer to your original question...i don't think you can truly love the same way if you are associating the feelings of love with very specific instances. you've already determined for yourself what love SHOULD feel like (there's that should again). i think you've made it into something that it's not. maybe you just automatically assume that love will be the same, regardless of who you share it with. i think that's impossible.

i think it's possible that you've found love in new people, but because it was a different feeling, it probably didn't feel quite right. were those feelings good?

[Nixee]

I definitely don't want my past to be my prison

 

And I have found love again. Once. I know that. I was very relieved when it happened, because I had worried that I wouldn't be able to... and then I did. And at first he seemed to reciprocate, and things were wonderful. But then he pulled away, and decided he couldn't handle things, and it got messy, and that is another story, and another battle scar I wear.

 

I think I do definitely know the difference between feeling something real, and not feeling enough for someone. What I don't know is whether I'm sometimes not feeling enough for people because the potential really isn't there, or because I'm simply not allowing myself to fall.

Like... I WANT to love, but subconsciously... I choose not to. I find flaws, and reasons not to love someone.

 

For example, I am currently dating someone who, before we were dating, I had met, developed a crush on, then was excited to run into again... then I was even more excited when it seemed he liked me as well and asked me out. We have things in common, we are compatible, he seems to be very into me... but for some reason I have just gradually closed off more and more as things have progressed instead of opening up.

 

If I had to guess... he likely thinks I'm the bee's knees, and I sorta feel like the ice queen at times, even though I don't mean to. He could give me everything I want in a relationship... on paper. And yet I find myself struggling just to feel. And finding it easier to have little crushes on other men who I am not dating.

 

But yes... being with him feels good. It feels pleasant, and comfortable. I just feel empty. I know I don't yet feel that LOVE feeling.

[Ellie2006]

Do you think you may have too idealized/romanticized notions of love?

[Nixee]

Do you think you may have too idealized/romanticized notions of love?

 

I've thought about this... but... I don't know. Because I'm really not looking for a carbon copy of what my ex and I had anymore, even though it may kinda sound like it.

 

I don't want the drama on the same level... it doesn't have to feel like something out of a movie. It just has to feel real. I just have to know it is love, and that I'm not faking it.

 

To put it more simply, I KNOW that I've been in love twice. Really, truly in love. Having felt that way before, with two separate people.... how can I go through the motions with someone else, knowing that I'm feeling less? Knowing that they don't excite me as much... or that I don't look as forward to seeing them or talking to them at the end of the day? Or that I don't think about them as much? Etc etc.

 

I don't expect each relationship to be the same... not at all. But the general feeling of being IN love... shouldn't that feel somewhat intoxicating at least? There should be chemistry and sparks and all that good stuff. Me... I'm numb. I'm at the other end of the scale.

[90_hour_sleep]

nixee...can i ask how long your longest period of singleness was since you left the big relationship? i know it's different for all people, but i think everyone that's moved on from big relationships reaches that point where

a good stint of singledom is the only true course of action. i almost get the impression that you're living in fear of being alone. that might explain why you feel like you're trying to force feelings to happen. i'm sure you've taken time to reflect...but have you ever been in a position where you could really put yourself in a position to find your own true happiness? the idea of time can often force us to act when what really needs to happen is for us to find acceptance.

[icarus27]

Nixee, honestly.

You have been through a lot, I followed some of your story in the past.

But I'll say it straight out, hearing you say that in your damaged "numb" state you've had multiple physical relationships and a couple of messy emotional ones .... doesn't do much for the case.

 

A few sympathetic folks will say to you "There, there, Nixee .. you will love again .."

 

But I wonder what is it that you are asking here? Because I think you already know the answer to your question. Or phrased another way, you are asking the question expecting an answer and you wouldn't like it if we gave you an unpalatable answer.

 

What if I told you, No, you will indeed never love again like you did that time? What if someone said to you, face it - the heartbreak and damage to you is such that you will never love again fully, never trust again fully, never let someone in fully? Would you accept that? I imagine you are balking right now at these words, thinking why I'm being so harsh.

 

All of us suffer irreversible pain in this life. (Nearly) all of us recover, but we become changed people. We lose the innocence of youth, the hope, and yes, that also means we lose the ability to love without reserve, with caution thrown to the wind ..

 

My point is, SO WHAT?

 

Isn't a second chance in life or a second chance to love just as precious? Without you dissecting, analysing the c**p out of it, comparing it to some experience long ago and destroying it with incessant questions Why is it not like this? Why is not like that??

 

Life is what you make it. Love, too, is what you make it. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for why you're not getting butterflies, why you're not getting chemistry, and waste the time of man after man who comes into your life, closing down every time a new one comes along. Or you can learn to celebrate what you receive as a gift and feel blessed because even though it is small, it is a gift. Your choice.

 

I shake my head to think of the number of women like you, chasing a mirage from the past in their heads, and unable to commit to what is in the present.

[90_hour_sleep]

i think that just about sums it up.

[Nixee]

nixee...can i ask how long your longest period of singleness was since you left the big relationship? i know it's different for all people, but i think everyone that's moved on from big relationships reaches that point where

a good stint of singledom is the only true course of action. i almost get the impression that you're living in fear of being alone. ...

 

To answer you 90 hour.... after the big breakup... I was single for about 6 months before getting into another relationship. That one lasted about 8 months before I realized I was too numb to love him back... but from there I actually did start to fall in love with a man I'd become friends with. We didn't really start an "official" relationship though. So technically, I've been single ever since then.... everything in my life has been casual...no commitment. My focus really has been primarily on me.

 

In that period I made the commitment to finally follow what I've always wanted to do and I moved 3000 miles away from my home. Sure I've been lonely, and I've had men come into my life. I've hoped for a partner. But I've let it take back seat. I truly have felt single at times. I guess thats the kicker for me. I thought I was ready... I really really did.... and when I tried again, disappointment and cynicism.

 

Nixee, honestly.

You have been through a lot, I followed some of your story in the past.

But I'll say it straight out, hearing you say that in your damaged "numb" state you've had multiple physical relationships and a couple of messy emotional ones .... doesn't do much for the case.

 

A few sympathetic folks will say to you "There, there, Nixee .. you will love again .."

 

But I wonder what is it that you are asking here? Because I think you already know the answer to your question. Or phrased another way, you are asking the question expecting an answer and you wouldn't like it if we gave you an unpalatable answer.

 

What if I told you, No, you will indeed never love again like you did that time? What if someone said to you, face it - the heartbreak and damage to you is such that you will never love again fully, never trust again fully, never let someone in fully? Would you accept that? I imagine you are balking right now at these words, thinking why I'm being so harsh.

 

All of us suffer irreversible pain in this life. (Nearly) all of us recover, but we become changed people. We lose the innocence of youth, the hope, and yes, that also means we lose the ability to love without reserve, with caution thrown to the wind ..

 

My point is, SO WHAT?

 

Isn't a second chance in life or a second chance to love just as precious? Without you dissecting, analysing the c**p out of it, comparing it to some experience long ago and destroying it with incessant questions Why is it not like this? Why is not like that??

 

Life is what you make it. Love, too, is what you make it. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for why you're not getting butterflies, why you're not getting chemistry, and waste the time of man after man who comes into your life, closing down every time a new one comes along. Or you can learn to celebrate what you receive as a gift and feel blessed because even though it is small, it is a gift. Your choice.

 

I shake my head to think of the number of women like you, chasing a mirage from the past in their heads, and unable to commit to what is in the present.

 

Thank you icarus. Your post actually makes me want to cry.

 

I just got home... I spent last night at the house of the man I've been seeing. But it is still difficult. I can take everything you say here to heart. I can try to live in the now... in the moment, and appreciate everything about him... or any other man who comes into my life. But I guess the thing is - I'm still going to have to grapple with basic compatibility and attraction. I'm still going to have to know how to tell the difference between something with real potential, and someone I will never grow to have bigger feelings for. ... Because right now, I know I don't feel enough. I know that.

 

And I find myself questioning whether it is just ME... whether I am broken and closed off because of my past and my walls.... or whether we are just truly not compatible and there is no spark there. It used to be easy. In the past I used to be able to shrug and say "oh well, I just don't feel enough" and move on.... but not so much anymore. All I do now is second guess myself. I don't want to be a runner, and I don't want to throw away or hurt good people, I really really don't. But I don't want to be an ice queen either. No one deserves that.

[Nixee]

nixee...can i ask how long your longest period of singleness was since you left the big relationship? i know it's different for all people, but i think everyone that's moved on from big relationships reaches that point where

a good stint of singledom is the only true course of action. i almost get the impression that you're living in fear of being alone. ...

 

To answer you 90 hour.... after the big breakup... I was single for about 6 months before getting into another relationship. That one lasted about 8 months before I realized I was too numb to love him back... but from there I actually did start to fall in love with a man I'd become friends with. We didn't really start an "official" relationship though. So technically, I've been single ever since then.... everything in my life has been casual...no commitment. My focus really has been primarily on me.

 

In that period I made the commitment to finally follow what I've always wanted to do and I moved 3000 miles away from my home. Sure I've been lonely, and I've had men come into my life. I've hoped for a partner. But I've let it take back seat. I truly have felt single at times. I guess thats the kicker for me. I thought I was ready... I really really did.... and when I tried again, disappointment and cynicism.

 

Nixee, honestly.

You have been through a lot, I followed some of your story in the past.

But I'll say it straight out, hearing you say that in your damaged "numb" state you've had multiple physical relationships and a couple of messy emotional ones .... doesn't do much for the case.

 

A few sympathetic folks will say to you "There, there, Nixee .. you will love again .."

 

But I wonder what is it that you are asking here? Because I think you already know the answer to your question. Or phrased another way, you are asking the question expecting an answer and you wouldn't like it if we gave you an unpalatable answer.

 

What if I told you, No, you will indeed never love again like you did that time? What if someone said to you, face it - the heartbreak and damage to you is such that you will never love again fully, never trust again fully, never let someone in fully? Would you accept that? I imagine you are balking right now at these words, thinking why I'm being so harsh.

 

All of us suffer irreversible pain in this life. (Nearly) all of us recover, but we become changed people. We lose the innocence of youth, the hope, and yes, that also means we lose the ability to love without reserve, with caution thrown to the wind ..

 

My point is, SO WHAT?

 

Isn't a second chance in life or a second chance to love just as precious? Without you dissecting, analysing the c**p out of it, comparing it to some experience long ago and destroying it with incessant questions Why is it not like this? Why is not like that??

 

Life is what you make it. Love, too, is what you make it. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for why you're not getting butterflies, why you're not getting chemistry, and waste the time of man after man who comes into your life, closing down every time a new one comes along. Or you can learn to celebrate what you receive as a gift and feel blessed because even though it is small, it is a gift. Your choice.

 

I shake my head to think of the number of women like you, chasing a mirage from the past in their heads, and unable to commit to what is in the present.

 

Thank you icarus. Your post actually makes me want to cry.

 

I just got home... I spent last night at the house of the man I've been seeing. But it is still difficult. I can take everything you say here to heart. I can try to live in the now... in the moment, and appreciate everything about him... or any other man who comes into my life. But I guess the thing is - I'm still going to have to grapple with basic compatibility and attraction. I'm still going to have to know how to tell the difference between something with real potential, and someone I will never grow to have bigger feelings for. ... Because right now, I know I don't feel enough. I know that.

 

And I find myself questioning whether it is just ME... whether I am broken and closed off because of my past and my walls.... or whether we are just truly not compatible and there is no spark there. It used to be easy. In the past I used to be able to shrug and say "oh well, I just don't feel enough" and move on.... but not so much anymore. All I do now is second guess myself. I don't want to be a runner, and I don't want to throw away or hurt good people, I really really don't. But I don't want to be an ice queen either. No one deserves that.

[Jarcobo]

Nixee,

I can completely relate to what you are going through and how you feel. It seems that there may have been several things overlooked here by the responders. First and foremost, it has only been 2 and a half years since you two have split and even far less time since your ex married. People heal in different lengths of time. Though you may not be hurting much these days, it is probably still too soon for you to be frantically looking for your next love.

 

Which brings me to my next point: love doesn't happen every day, every month, or every year. Sometimes it takes years before you might find the next "right one". Don't be in such a rush. Love is a funny thing - either you have it, or you don't. Just because you aren't feeling it now with the men you are currently dating, doesn't mean you are incapable of having that feeling ever again. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't be so worried that you won't love again. You will. Just give it time, and don't lead anyone on. Follow your heart. Don't rush. Try to find happiness in yourself instead of depending on another to fill you. Then one day, maybe 5 years from now: BOOM! You are in the midst of a strong and passionate love-filled relationship. And wow, imagine that, you hadn't even given it any thought until then!

[confused9]

wow. i feel like i wrote your post Nixee. I've been in your shoes, and although it is filled with others, it is a long and lonely road.

 

but i agree with the other responders. i think you need to give yourself more time, some faith, and the realization that feelings of love will never be exactly the same, but can be just as rewarding.

 

i wish you the best! i know it will work itself out.

[earlylifecrisis]

stop analyzing so much!!!

roll with it. It is what it is!!

 

Good luck and have fun!