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how much was a lack of real communication an issue??


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Asking this as I am in a blue mood.... We all talk about this issue and read about its importance of course ie how we often avoid talking about the really sensitive issues and as a result anger/tension builds and we are eventually hurting and/or seething inside to only later have these unresolved tensions spill out in other ways: passive aggressive behaviours or seemingly "unrelated" arguments... or bad or no sex...or awkward silence or any other number of ways. Or on the other hand has anyone truly done the tough talks (even with a couples counsellor or in workshops together) only to eventually find that (while vitally important) communication honesty and facing up to things won't salvage a relationship on its own?...that instead it other fundamentally important things are equally important too ie compatibility that runs wide and deep... or real changes in attitude and behaviour etc ? Just asking as I am in a "what if..?" Blue mood today about my ex: she disliked talking about the tough stuff (her tough Scottish background) and in our last talk 6 weeks ago told me it would not have made any difference in our lasting or not.

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Communication is definitely the key. Being open and honest at all times would've saved my relationship for sure. I know that because we talked about after it was over and the fact that I wasn't open was the catalyst for her deciding we couldn't be together. Even now that I am an open book with my feelings it's too late. The damage has already been done and there's no going back. Of course she didn't communicate either so it just made everything else worse.

 

I did the what if for a long time and it sucks. I know that we had our differences but if we had discussed them at the time we could have worked them out. It wouldn't have been easy but it would have been worth it. Now I'll never get the chance to try because the trust is gone.

 

I know in my next relationship I will be so communicative that she's either going to think I'm the best bf ever or crazy. And that will be a good thing because it will keep me from investing my feelings in someone who isn't capable of being open with me about what they want.

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I am a decent communicator but my ex wasn't. Her grasp on it wasn't even that great. She thought when I said she didn't communicate, she took it as meaning that she didn't send enough texts! I am not a serial texter or emailer or caller so I am not concerned with that....

 

When I tried to get through to her that I had to know what she was thinking and when she was/wasn't happy with something, it fell on deaf ears. A lot of the time, she was uncomfortable with something but I would never know what it was. Half the time, I was guessing and that's not good. It made me feel terrible.

 

With us being an LDR, this was needed even more.

 

So yes, communication is key! You can't go through tough times when you struggle to let your partner know where you all stand with things, nor can you build trust.

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Communication is HUGE!!!! I wouldn't go so far as to say that if you both have perfect communication, automatically your relationship will survive. While it certainly is necessary for a relationship to survive, it's one of many things. For example, I generally had good to great communication with two of my exes, but it wasn't enough for us to last.

 

Lack of communication was definitely THE primary cause of my most recent relationship ending. We were facing a language barrier - he's a native Spanish speaker, I'm a native English speaker. We both can get by in the other's language, but not enough to have the real deep sort of conversations couples need to have without struggling and falling back on dictionaries, and sometimes we (he more than I, but I'm not innocent of this either) would just lose patience and throw our hands up in the air. Especially when you're fighting - it's so frustrating to have to stop and look up a word when you're in the middle of arguing about something. Though on second thought, maybe that's a good thing - makes you calm down a bit.

 

Beyond the general lack of communication on the broad scale, it was lack of communication that literally led to our breakup as well. He was too afraid to tell me about something really dumb and inconsiderate he'd done - but which I could probably have forgiven had he come clean in the first place and explained his rationalization - so he lied/omitted information for weeks. By the time I found out the truth, after weeks of knowing he was hiding something and suspecting it was worse than it turned out to be (e.g., other woman) - and after he lied again about why he'd done it, in a way that made it look worse than it turned out to be - it was too late, we were over. The trust was gone.

 

So, yes. Count me as one who considers communication to be of the utmost importance.

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I didn't realize how badly my communication skills were in a relationship until post break up. I analyzed the relationship afterwards and caught ALL of my mistakes (communication was #1 on my list). I always tried to avoid having talks about improvements with her and what not. I always agreed with her just to get it out of the way. I was always contained and that was my mistake. Perhaps, it would've saved us, but I finished playing, "maybe, if I had been better at this" awhile ago. What's done is done!

 

As someone mentioned this will make me a better communicator for my next lady!

 

I remember my Grandmother ALWAYS telling me, "communication is very important in a relationship!" Literally, my Grandmother used to tell me ALL the time when I was with my ex. I told her she was right all along after I realized it was too late. I thought it was about showing affection, but it comes down to more than that and that is...great communication!

 

I learned the hard way. I know I am better at communicating and I remember speaking to my ex, ex awhile ago and she told me I have become a better communicator without me telling her the improvements I have made. HA! Times shave changed!

 

Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing!

 

gee

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I can relate to this.

 

When the break up happened my ex produced loads of little small things that could have been solved with a 10 minute chat when they happened, instead she let these things fester for months and eventually they turned into this big issue for her and created this distorted image of her.

 

Ironically I always spoke to her about a problem I had with her, sorted it out and went forward (normally with me apologising for realising I was upset about nothing), and come the end of the relationship she said I had communication issues (possibly I did, but in the opposite sense of being a bit too open)

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I feel like more communication could have saved my relationship with my ex-fiance. I was always very open and communicative, but he was the classic non-communicator, who bottled all his problems up. Instead of bringing them out in the open for fear of hurting me, he let them eat away at him, til he had no choice but to tell me he didn't love me (in a romantic way) anymore.

 

I saw him yesterday and he said that he's wondered (since the breakup) why he didn't just stay with me and work things out. I don't think he realises that wouldn't have happened unless he communicated. It's a skill he's going to have to learn, one way or another.

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...Or on the other hand has anyone truly done the tough talks (even with a couples counsellor or in workshops together) only to eventually find that (while vitally important) communication honesty and facing up to things won't salvage a relationship on its own...in our last talk 6 weeks ago told me it would not have made any difference in our lasting or not.

 

In our 30 year relationship communication did get us through many rough spots. We almost broke up after 3 years, tried couples counseling but he couldn't handle it, so I continued counseling alone, but we talked about "us" steadily, what we wanted, our values and hopes and confusion, and read together "The Road Less Traveled" which helped us. Eventually our relationship got stronger. Some issues were often difficult to talk about (money, mostly) but we got better at adjusting to each other. When my husband hit mid-life, maybe 7 years ago he began communicating less and less, talking only about work, or his solo trips. My every effort to discuss the drift was shrugged off. But, I figured relationships ebb and flow, and you don't bail out during one of the ebbs, not if you are committed, and you love them. I THOUGHT we would flow again, and even now I hold onto a smidgen of hope for that, but am trying to let that go, because it is making me too sad and stuck. I'm rambling, but basically, both participants have to be WILLING to communicate. I think your ex is saying she does not value communicating like you do, so in my opinion, it would be a tough ride to have a long term relationship with her. Sometimes style of communication is the issue. Direct questions can be hard for some people to respond to, they feel pressured and on the spot, so they withdraw.

 

my 2 cents. Not sure if it is any help, as it is not a clear answer to your questions.

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RE ''Sometimes style of communication is the issue. Direct questions can be hard for some people to respond to, they feel pressured and on the spot, so they withdraw."

 

absolutely!...this was my ex and why she ''snapped'' at me on our 'trip from hell down the oregon coast...she felt i Pushed her too much and she just lost it (but our relationship was sucking and I so wanted to get us working again...i didn't feel beatup or even angry after her outburst...instead just sad that we were so disjointed.

 

I take responsibilty for what I contributed..and didn't contribute: for all my wanting to communicate (talk the talk) it was in not walking the walk that showed I'm confused and worrried when it comes to sensitive issues that need in depth communication, too.....it's the how much, when, what way and alot of things you have to consider, isn't it?

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30 years together? Wow! How are you doing? Hugs!!

 

Thanks for the hugs canali. Not sure how I'm doing, but am making a big effort to expand my life to include much more. (I'm not sleeping well, and concentrating on work is hard.) I may be hanging out here in ENA a bit too much, but the company is comforting and enlightening. I am impressed with the wisdom and perspectives of so many people here.

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I think communication is one of the most important. you can say what you like, and what you don't. In my example, My ex cheated on me and after we got together again, I couldn't really trust her. I had sypmtoms of jealously, and she was walking on eggshells, but my issue wasn't really about a guy, or guys, it was the hurt inside me still festering. She couldn't sommunicate that she was sorry, I couldn't communicate that it wasn't about being jealous.

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