Am I nuts? Advice needed!

[dustysgirl]

Hello, I like to get some opinions about what is going on in my relationship. (Sometimes it helps to hear thoughts from someone on the outside.)

I'm 30 years old and have been involved with "Fred" for almost a year. We live together and also own a business. All in all, we have a great relationship with a few bumps in the road. Of, course that's to be expected.

 

The issue that has been bothering me is involving his best friend, "Amy". "Amy" and "Fred" have been the BEST of friends for about 15 years. They lived together at one time, talk, text, and email. They tell each other that they love them and share everything. She lives in KY and us in OH.

 

No big deal, right? Here is the problem,,, He has told me that he had a "thing" for her for quite a while, but that's gone. He kept her a secret from me, for a while, when we first became serious. (He didn't tell her about me either.) I meet her one time (for a total of 10 mins.) and got the cold shoulder from her. She was to busy hugging him and telling him how much she misses him. The other night, him and I went out. (We never get time!) He had to much to drink and brought up how hot "Amy" is. He also has told me that he needs someone to talk to when we have disagreements. BUT,,,,, HE FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING TO "Amy" ABOUT US. What the heck is that??? Don't get me wrong, everyone needs people to talk to and spend some time with. I feel having your own friends, and your own hobbies, help make it all complete. Along with sharing things, like friends and interests.

 

If they are such close friends, wouldn't you think she'd try and get to know me? Or am I wrong here? Say "hi" to me when their on the phone and I'm there, maybe ask him how I am? Anything. I did make a few gestures to her suggesting we should get together and wanting to get to know her. However, she just acts like I'm not there. At least that's the feeling I get. She has known about me for over 6 months now.

 

I think the main reason this bothers me is that I don't like the thought of another woman viewing him in smiler ways that I do. I don't think it's jealousy (I could be wrong!) He has other close female friends that he sees all the time and are much better looking then "Amy". I don't know them other then a "hi" here and there. His friendship with them don't bother me at all.

 

Ugh......... Well that's it, in a nut shell. Thanks in advance for anything you can offer.

[1MoreChance]

well, you sound pretty cool headed about this...

 

he said he once had a thing for her, and brought up how hot she is...

 

she refuses to have contatc with you, ask how you are, etc., which is usually how a close frined of a person will behave toward that person's spouce. sounds like she feels competitive / jealous.

 

It sounds like this is gonna be an ongoing issue in your relationship, seeing that there are ambiguous feelings / behaviors going on.

 

I don't really know what to suggest, as he is close to both of you, to you as his gf / life partner and to her as a long term best friend that he also confessed to being attracted to basically (well, it was in the past, but when he is drunk he says how hot she is...).

 

be careful, it sounds unclear. I don't want to scare you, I am just saying look that situation stright in the face. I once had a bf who had a female best frined, sometimes we had plans and were out somewhere, and he just had to "drop by the cafe to say hi" (they both worked at this little cafe). then he would hlp her mop, close up, it was just the two of them, it was a tiny cafe... I'd sit around and wait, no big deal... but it did bother me that he so often HAD to go by there, when it wasn't his shift, just out of the blue.

 

and he ended up going with her, moving in with her, being her bf, when we broke up. I don't know if he cheated on me with her, but I don't think so. Just keep your eyes open.

[nutbrownhare]

If I were you, I'd be pleased that he doesn't want to talk to 'Amy' about your relationship - it shows respect. I'd be very put out if my partner talked to a close female friend about relationship difficulties rather than talking to me!

 

From what you describe, 'Amy' is either shy, or jealous of the relationship you have with your fella. They've known each other 15 years, if they were going to be together it would have happened before now. He's told you that he used to have a 'thing' for her, and the fact that they are not together says it all. She may have felt flattered by his attentions, even if nothing came of it, and is now feeling jealous because he's very clearly moved on.

 

My long-term ex had a long standing female friend (I knew she had the hots for him, he wasn't interested in her sexually at all) who used to try to make out that her relationship with him was a lot more than it actually was - like making a big deal about the fact that she'd left a coffee mug at his place! If I bumped into her on my own, she'd totally ignore me etc etc.

 

In the end, I saw her in a public place, made a point of going over, greeting her warmly, asking how she was etc etc, and made a point of doing this whenever I met her. Especially when I was I was with my fella; she had the choice of reciprocating, or appearing to be unpleasantly sulky, and I'm glad to say she warmed to me in the end. It took about two years, and her getting another fella!

 

It sounds as though she feels some sort of rivalry towards you, and this is what you're picking up. It's not a comfortable feeling, but remember that it's HER problem, and only yours if you make it so.