Sexually Repressed

[Err]

Hi, first time poster here. I just had a question that I haven't been able to answer about myself and I would really appreciate some input on this.

 

I'll post some basic facts about me first: I'm a straight 21-year-old male virgin, have a part-time job, and go to college.

 

My problem starts here: So, one night in my room when I was 14, I was playing with my male cousin (who was 10-years-old at the time), the next thing I know we were kissing and getting naked with each other. I don't remember how exactly this happened (since I've honestly been trying to forget every detail). Then another night and another night like this with him, each separated about a few days, but never in those times did we do anything to "hurt" each other. Even at 14 I was still ignorant about a lot of the sexual things people do, I didn't even know what we were doing was "gay", much less any of the sexual and oral positions. It was just messing around with each other. Well, about a month passed, my cousin's mother found a paper my cousin wrote... apparently he wrote down all the stuff we were doing. His dad then called a police investigator and eventually had me questioned. I lied like my parents told me too, and said I didn't know why my cousin would write such things down. I was 14, never had a girlfriend, extremely shy, was brainwashed into thinking sex was bad by my Christian mother, and had police questioning me... even for a 14-year-old, that's a lot to handle (at least for me). I was caught one year later with pornography, mother didn't like this one bit. She told me that every time I look at one of those girls, to imagine her naked, my father even sat down with me as we BOTH looked at the magazine after mothers lecture THEN told me to get rid of it. He almost always never said anything and let my mother do all the talking and lecturing. Sister didn't help my situation one bit, everything she did was opposite of what my parents wanted and they came down hard on her... I didn't want that kind of punishment.

 

Since then, I've been (up until recently) living a life where I'm the most safest. I'm 21 now, only had two girlfriends, one for a week (in HS), another for a month (and she lived hundreds of miles away) but never have I been even kissed or had a serious relationship. Pretty pathetic, I know.

 

I've been trying to have more fun, going out, hanging out with friends, talking to girls about work, life, etc... but when it gets to flirting I seem to distance myself away. Is this because of my past? Also noticed that I have a extreme dislike of homosexuals and Christians. I've honestly been trying to just forget it and get on with my life, but it seems no matter what I do, I can't. It's a crushing feeling, and it seems easy to blame the past.

 

If anyone needs more info, say so. I'll be more than happy to contribute more.

[nutbrownhare]

In early teens it's very natural to want to explore bodies, sexuality etc - from the sound of it, your experience with your cousin doesn't seem as though there's the power imbalance or violation of boundaries which happens when an adult abuses a child, it was just innocent, natural play.

 

I also believe very strongly that the use of soft pornography by young teenage lads is a healthy part of growing up, of finding out about the scary mystery that is the opposite sex and finding out who you are (I'm talking SOFT pornography - lads I knew when I was a nipper used to save pics of the underwear models from clothing catalogues! - before I bring down the wrath of anti-porn people here). It can be damaging if it then replaces genuine, intimate relationships later on or leads to an exploitive attitude towards women, but this doesn't necessarily follow.

 

However, from your post it looks like your problems stem from having two essentially innocent activities jumped down on as though they were extreme, shameful perversions. I was educated at a convent and I can still recall a class of seven-year-olds being yelled at and threatened with all sorts of dire consequences for playing kiss-chase in the playground!

 

It would also be a different matter if you were still wanting to have a bit of a romp with ten-year-olds in the here and now.

 

Given your history, and the deep sense of shame both of these experiences would have given you, it's not surprising that you found repressing your sexuality the safest way to continue. You may find that sharing your experiences with others, and being reassured that your feelings were normal may help you to move beyond this. The trauma arose not from your actions, but from the extreme reactions of the adults around you.

[Err]

No, there wasn't a power imbalance between us then. But there also is a story to him. At the same time I was being investigated, he was too. From what I understand, my cousin also lied to the investigators. Years later, he wants to say that I did things to him. I just believe he found what we did so shameful he just blamed me for the whole incident. About three years ago, I found out that my cousin may have been looking at gay pornography. It feels bad to know that I might have gotten him into something to do with that. This incident was only known between, his mom, his dad, my grandmother, my mother, and my father. No one else knew what happened until two years later. My cousin's siblings found out about it and didn't want him to go anywhere near me. My aunt doesn't even visit anymore because of it (haven't seen her since I was 14 and she lives only 5 miles away) and they want nothing to do with my family. Yes. It took a while to realize that what I did was nothing but curiosity. But when the whole world is mad at you about it, you see it as a murder, something you should have never done. So, the shame didn't stop until years later and I can see the results of our actions today.

 

I never have repeated this story to anyone until now. I feel better knowing that other people think the same way I do about this.

[Err]

No, there wasn't a power imbalance between us then. But there also is a story to him. At the same time I was being investigated, he was too. From what I understand, my cousin also lied to the investigators. Years later, he wants to say that I did things to him. I just believe he found what we did so shameful he just blamed me for the whole incident. About three years ago, I found out that my cousin may have been looking at gay pornography. It feels bad to know that I might have gotten him into something to do with that. This incident was only known between, his mom, his dad, my grandmother, my mother, and my father. No one else knew what happened until two years later. My cousin's siblings found out about it and didn't want him to go anywhere near me. My aunt doesn't even visit anymore because of it (haven't seen her since I was 14 and she lives only 5 miles away) and they want nothing to do with my family. Yes. It took a while to realize that what I did was nothing but curiosity. But when the whole world is mad at you about it, you see it as a murder, something you should have never done. So, the shame didn't stop until years later and I can see the results of our actions today.

 

I never have repeated this story to anyone until now. I feel better knowing that other people think the same way I do about this.

[nutbrownhare]

About three years ago, I found out that my cousin may have been looking at gay pornography. It feels bad to know that I might have gotten him into something to do with that.

 

Many, many young teenagers have quasi gay experiences - especially those in single-sex boarding schools! Some decide later that their sexuality is hetero, some homo-sexual, some use pornography, some don't. Child abuse by an adult is a totally different matter to the kind of exploratory stuff that takes place between youngsters!

 

The trauma to both you and your cousin would have arisen from the reaction of the adults around you, not from the acts as you describe them.

[Alpha Male]

This is very common and like nutbrownhare mentioned it is just curiosity and is not limited to same sex and shouldve been treated as such. The end result is up to the person, some wind up hetero some homo but it depends on what the person was already leaning towards. I say make peace with it, if your cousin becomes gay he was gonna become it anyways whether with you at 10 or as an epiphany during a rocky reltionship at 23. Dont blame yourself for it.

[Shylight]

I am amazed at your bravery.

I commend you on opening up to our community about this topic. In answer to your question, I am no therapist, but I would only guess Yes. I myself feel very sexually repressed. I know your family has put a downer on you, but please understand YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Curiosity is normal, and your family should have been more open to that simple fact. Have you been attending therapy?

Your dislike of Homosexuals and christians, I believe, is from your past is well. They remind you of two torments in your life, your battle with parenting and the incident.

And I agree with the above poster, you DID NOT make your cousin gay. No one 'becomes gay' they 'discover' that they are.

I would try and talk with your family and explain what happened.

again, I commend you, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM