Jump to content

getting back together is sometimes just nailing the coffin finally shut


Recommended Posts

Anyone care to comment?

 

For the majority of us IMO getting back together with our ex only serves to confirm that those tired frustrated feelings we had at the end of our relationship were the right and true ones and should have been heeded: NOT those latter feelings from our selective recall after the breakup that only remember how great things were in the beginning or in the middle of our gig ...because we forget about the boredom...or the dull routine sex that once was great ...or the forced smiles at the dinner table that hide sharpened teeth because inside you are both seething at unresolved issues ...or the we forget the often forced and stunted conversations ...

 

sure we all read about and envy some couples that DO make a "successful" go at it again (but not without sweat and usually it is long down the road after they REALLY have some perspective and a chance to change behaviours and attitudes...and GOD BLESS these couples as we all want that)...

 

but for the vast majority of us getting back together is akin to finally nailing the coffin shut and prepping it for burial ...and that is often ok ie IMO as long as after the pain is finally gone/ after you have healed then you can realize that you grew from the experience in a positive way or are more self aware then this IMO is the main achievement...

 

despite our childhood myths of wanting "us" to last forever a lot of us just don't ....(more on this topic later on how our myths both give us hope yet can also perpetuate our suffering too)...think about it: Jobs change as do some friendships but we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make romantic relationships "last forever" and feel like a failure if they don't despite our best efforts ie whether it be couples counselling or prolonged NC or attempted reconciliations or whatever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Think of it this way: by finally realizing your gig is toast means you are that much closer to being with someone who will love you enough to endure the tough times: the really harsh arguments that will drive you mad enough to make you reconsider your stance on gun control lol ...but the bottom line is that they will hang on for the really bumpy rides (as will you: remember it IS a two way street)... this is what I want and what I think we all what in the end...heck I'm as much a romantic as I am a realist.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh yeah! I did everything within my power to get back with him.....three times! When we split the final time.....I was so ready to close that chapter of my life, I embraced his absence. I'm happy on the road I'm on now, and never look back. I have the occasional thought come to mind when I see or hear something that takes me back, but over all....I'm focused on moving forward, and forgetting those years of misery.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dont think you should even try to get back unless the issues that broke you up are fully resolved. My ex had plenty after 5wks nc she gets back in contact, wants to make a go of it but hadnt worked on any of her issues at all. Ran again after a few good days together, it hasnt naied the coffin shut, just opened up all the old wounds and taken me back to square one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dont think you should even try to get back unless the issues that broke you up are fully resolved. My ex had plenty after 5wks nc she gets back in contact, wants to make a go of it but hadnt worked on any of her issues at all. Ran again after a few good days together, it hasnt naied the coffin shut, just opened up all the old wounds and taken me back to square one.

 

I agree with the OP and especially with and again. This is the exact same thing that happened to me. She did not change 1 thing, then ran again, making me wish and know i will never get back with an ex.

 

They left me, they didnt want to be with me, simple.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cruzer, its left me more confused than anything, i should hate her for walking straight back into my life then away again in under a week. But i feel sorry for her to a degree for the confusion she may be going through. Few questions.

1 why face book stalk me for months.

2 why sleep with a teddy i bought her every night since split.

3 why contact me saying how she doesnt think she is good enough for me.

4 why say she was scared she may have lost me for good.

5 why say that she now knew what she wanted.

6 why say that every time she went out all she thought of was me.

7 why keep all my stuff where i left it in her house.

8 the biggy, WHY after getting back and having two really good days together here we laughed played the lot run away again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And again, these are all valid questions but you have to begin to accept that you may never get the answers to these questions that you are seeking. At least not from the person you want. I think you have learned a great lesson over getting back together, as this thread is exploring, and this should be the impetus for you to really focus on you and let her focus on her. If she's not strong enough to follow through on her decision to let you go, then you need to do it for yourself, and subsequently, for her too.

 

I have plenty of questions of my own but I've started to come to terms that I need to understand that the most important answer comes from yourself, and that's how do I move on from this? The answer: by taking care of me.

 

Keep posting though. It definitely helps. The first few weeks after my break up I never posted, just lurked. Recently I've been posting a lot more and it's been really helpful for me getting insight, advice from others on here that seem to have similar experiences or thought processes as mine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had given up on getting the answears myself, until she reapeered and i really dont know where she is comeing from any more. The tme i started to heal last time was when i stopped trying to work out the unworkable. That is what i will have to try and do again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm somewhat in this situation too. We split last August, I was devastated although very angry with him at the same time. I had told him he needed counseling, and also WE needed counseling... him for his own personal issues (passive aggressiveness, unresolved mommy issues, and a host of other things), us for our repeated inability to communicate with each other and our age difference (13 years).

 

So we agreed to get back together last November. All sorts of promises, no counseling or anything. I was healing, doing well, focused on my own life. He was pining over me but no change.

 

Sure enough, within a couple months, right back to the passive aggressive silent treatment and pouting / sulking over the fact that I have a life and he doesn't. He flat out says he loves me and can't imagine living without me, and then 30 seconds later says he hates all the things I like or enjoy in life and proceeds to put down everything I do.

 

So I requested time apart with the intent that he is supposed to be making some decisions and changes. As far as I can tell, he's gone back to just sitting and waiting, thinking that eventually I'll come back. No changes and apparently no comprehension that his attitude is really unacceptable after nearly 5 years. He's very controlling, I think, but in a subtle way. I've become nervous around him and I don't like sharing much about my life anymore for fear of getting snapped at. (and this includes things like jokes at work, gossip from work, something nice I saw...) He even accused me of faking being happier last fall to get him back... WTH?? Then a couple minutes later says he was getting the impression I was happier without him than I am with him which made him feel bad.... then why doesn't he something about it?? (mini rant... sorry...)

 

So I think yes, without making any changes and any noticeable differences, no, you should not try to get back together. People told me last fall and while I did listen, I thought there might be exceptions. I'm not sure that there are, anymore. I think there has to be a clean break, and visible changes in the person's attitude and personality or whatever, not just behavior. Behavior can be faked for a while but sooner or later the truth comes out.

 

So I'm struggling with whether or not to walk away forever this time around, while on this break. It was a mutual breakup before and he wanted me back (followed me home to my house in fact just to be near me after we met for a beer), but put me in a position where I was the one who said the words to get back together. I should not have done it in retrospect. I should have kept on going with my life and he could figure out that he has to change if he wanted me back. My fault for being too trusting, I guess, but when you love someone it's hard to believe they won't follow through on promises...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmm...I think it depends on the couple.

 

My ex and I didn't and are not the type to play "Let's break up and get back together 3 times." When we said something, we meant it. That's why if we ever did try to get back together again, I would take it seriously.

 

I agree that we can't judge the relationship only by the happy times but then again we can't judge a relationship by the end either. In my case, we were together for over seven years and friends before that. For most of those years, I would say we were happy. The end of the relationship...plainly...sucked...but we also didn't end on bad terms. The sex was not dull and routine, I never stopped loving him, and he claimed he still loved me. I seriously think it could have worked out but the bad times at the end were coloring it.

 

Why give up all those years over family problems, depression, job loss?

 

He said he wanted to find himself. Fine. If he finds that he wants a totally different life, so be it. But that's not what it sounded like he wanted when he broke up with me. He said he still wanted me but "couldn't." He said it's no one else and I do believe that. Now I could be a total fool but I also think that after all those years, I do know him. I mean, I've never ever caught him in a lie before (OK, except saying he was going to spend the rest of his life with me...that one didn't come to pass...yet).

 

All I'm saying is that some relationships seem to end for stupid reasons. People are immature, afraid, scared that they don't have any career aspects, depressed, and feel like their lives suck. Even if the relationship had been going well, it's too much pressure on them with all the other muck in their lives.

 

I do think my ex wants to experience "freedom" from the restrictions he had in his younger years. I don't necessarily think it means other women but who knows? It might. If two people love each other, why can't it be possible to get back together when they "grow up?"

 

Now, I do have to judge my ex the way he was at the end because he was obviously unable to keep his committment and folded when times got tough. That does say something about his character, as far as I'm concerned. But it does not have to be a permanent part of his character. I think he realizes that he does need to get his act together or he will be living with his parents forever and will have no job at all. I'm afraid the pressure from all angels freaked him out.

 

Either way, I can't sit here and not live life. But I also don't think the door has to be closed forever on a relationship that was not ruined just challenged.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Love that ray of needed hope...some things stand out from your reply and others ie most of us do not have good navigation skills in relationship problem solving (why cannot they maky this a credited subject in all levels of our education ie as emotional intelligence/mediation whatever!)...also that timing can be everything in being able to hang in there or not along with communination (hence my other somewhat related thread and I would love your reply as I enjoy your thoughtfulness!) and that no matter how much we may wish to fix things if our partner is unwilling/not in same headspace then all is for naught.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think once someone ends it, they mean it, even if they come back and say they didn't.

You can't take words back after they've been said.

 

They just didn't want to be with you anymore.

 

As much as I miss my last ex, I don't think I could go back unless HE changed and figured out his issues/walls/etc. I don't feel I've done anything to deserve his belitteling comments. If he was unhappy or simply didn't like/love me anymore [after 3 years], he could have just said so and ended it then instead of treating me like something less and an intrusion on his life.

 

One of my previous exs - we got back together to "try again" about 5 times. Never again and I should have walked away after the 1st one. I would have avoided bruises, nervious breakdowns, cheating and ofcourse - everything was my fault.

 

If they want you back after leaving, they have to work on it and SHOW that they've changed and want to make things better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think once someone ends it, they mean it, even if they come back and say they didn't.

You can't take words back after they've been said.

 

They just didn't want to be with you anymore.

 

As much as I miss my last ex, I don't think I could go back unless HE changed and figured out his issues/walls/etc. I don't feel I've done anything to deserve his belitteling comments. If he was unhappy or simply didn't like/love me anymore [after 3 years], he could have just said so and ended it then instead of treating me like something less and an intrusion on his life.

 

One of my previous exs - we got back together to "try again" about 5 times. Never again and I should have walked away after the 1st one. I would have avoided bruises, nervious breakdowns, cheating and ofcourse - everything was my fault.

 

If they want you back after leaving, they have to work on it and SHOW that they've changed and want to make things better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree 100% woth the initial statement. After he dumped me, he continued to hang around giving me false hope. We got back together for 3 months. One good thing, though, while he was gone, I started to realize how inconsiderate he was to me and how upset I got because of his actions.

 

When he came back, I saw that nothing had changed. This time however, I am no longer living in the fantasy world, and I was able to face reality sooner. Without him, I actually feel better now than in the past 3 years.

 

I realize now, there is no turning back. He is not THE ONE and will never be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree 100% woth the initial statement. After he dumped me, he continued to hang around giving me false hope. We got back together for 3 months. One good thing, though, while he was gone, I started to realize how inconsiderate he was to me and how upset I got because of his actions.

 

When he came back, I saw that nothing had changed. This time however, I am no longer living in the fantasy world, and I was able to face reality sooner. Without him, I actually feel better now than in the past 3 years.

 

I realize now, there is no turning back. He is not THE ONE and will never be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, I agree. My ex and I split in January 08 after a 7 year relationship - It was hard but seemed to be the best thing for us at the time. Fast forward 9 months to September of 08, we decided to give it another go and after only 4 months, we realized that we broke up for a reason and I ended our relationship once and for all this past January.

 

It's tough to let go people, but you will make it. It's not easy, but you will be fine - trust me!

 

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me it was because I missed what I had in the relationship when we still had respect for each other. Near the end of the the relationship things were quite strained and early my breakup, my memory was quite selective and I often ignored these facts. Even now when I think about our relationship I tend to remember only the good things. The difference is that now, I've trained myself (somewhat) to remember the crappy things about the relationship and remember why we broke up.

 

Off to work!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me it was because I missed what I had in the relationship when we still had respect for each other. Near the end of the the relationship things were quite strained and early my breakup, my memory was quite selective and I often ignored these facts. Even now when I think about our relationship I tend to remember only the good things. The difference is that now, I've trained myself (somewhat) to remember the crappy things about the relationship and remember why we broke up.

 

Off to work!

 

That's what I am doing - remembering only the frustrating parts of our relationship and it really really helps. I'm not in pain any longer and I just need to let go - I'm getting there for sure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that sometimes this does happen, but I have seen just as many successful reconciliations as unsuccessful ones, if not more. It all boils down to whether you're getting back together for the right reasons and whether both people have made the changes necessary to ensure that whatever went wrong the first time doesn't go wrong the second time.

 

It seems to me a lot of break ups are the result of immaturity of some sort, miscommunication, or poor problem solving abilities, all on one or both parts. All of these are problems that can be solved with enough effort. But I think a lot of people don't want to put effort. A lot of it is timing too.

 

It seems to me a lot of people are anti-getting back together because of a few bad experiences. As far as I can tell, we all have at least a few bad experiences in relationships in general. So if I'm not going to write off getting into a relationship all together because of some bad experiences, why would I write off getting back together for the same reason? Every situation is different, some are workable, some aren't.

 

But, of course, if the reasons for the break up were incompatibility or irreconcilable behaviors on one or both parts, that's a different story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you...especially on a motivation of loneliness driving people to get back together and your suggestion of '' immaturity of some sort, miscommunication, or poor problem solving abilities, all on one or both parts. All of these are problems that can be solved with enough effort. But I think a lot of people don't want to put effort. A lot of it is timing too.''

 

I so wish that at all levels of education that there would be mandatory relationship courses, ie, on problem solving, conflict negotiation, getting in touch with your values/needs (many people hook up with someone who shows them attention and/or its sex appeal..or because of a few qualities that hook you...but long term knowing what you really need? nada...hopefully this self awareness only goes up as we get older.

 

all this said, however, just what in your mind what determines a ''successful reconcilation''? staying together for how long?..because I don't agree that it happens as much as we'd like to think: sure some will stay together and work it out (again god bless them) but I think an equally larger if not larger number get back together and heck stay together for a number of years (even get married) and then kaboom...my point isn't so much in that they've failed (as alot buy into the line that if it doesn't last 'forever' you're a failure) but instead did you grow and evolve and have more quality time than not (so not so much an emphasis on 'quantity' of time together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

all this said, however, just what in your mind what determines a ''successful reconcilation''? staying together for how long?..because I don't agree that it happens as much as we'd like to think: sure some will stay together and work it out (again god bless them) but I think an equally larger if not larger number get back together and heck stay together for a number of years (even get married) and then kaboom...my point isn't so much in that they've failed (as alot buy into the line that if it doesn't last 'forever' you're a failure) but instead did you grow and evolve and have more quality time than not (so not so much an emphasis on 'quantity' of time together.

 

To me, a successful reconciliation is one where the couple stays together for a significant period of time (at least a couple of years or more), have worked out the problems that caused the initial break up and have a mutually fulfilling relationship for that time period, if not forever. And yes, I think this happens more often than people think. Most people I know who have gotten back together have a better relationship the second time around, and several years down the road are still together. Of course, I can't see into the future, so I can't say whether they'll last forever, but I would still consider them successful at this point.

 

Obviously, there are a lot of different factors that go into determining whether or not a relationship is successful, and not all will be, but they are not all bound to fail either. Getting back together does not have to mean going backwards, trying to save something that's never going to work, taking the easy way out instead of facing reality, etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's better to take it on a case by case basis than trying to make a blanket statement about whether getting back together is a good idea or not. I know you weren't really doing that, as the title says "sometimes," but it seems to happen a lot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...